The Kids are Leaving / Left The House… Now What?

Sarah Milken (00:00:04) - Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hey peeps, it's me again, Dr. Sarah Milken, and this is the Flexible Neurotic podcast. I wanted to come on here and say that this episode was recorded back in September. We are now three weeks post the Hamas massacre in Israel. And in all honesty, I've been struggling with how to release an episode while the world is falling down. We are experiencing a modern day holocaust.

Sarah Milken (00:01:08) - Give me 30s to give you my thoughts and we're going to start the episode. We all said never again to Jews being killed. And here we are with a world full of hate, antisemitism, murder and so much hell. Thank you to all of you who are supporting the Jews and the people of Israel. As you know, I am Jewish. I am standing up for what I think is right to me. There is not a question. Sitting and not speaking up won't change anything. I decided that in honor of the moms of Israel who were lost in the massacre, or the moms who have kids kidnapped as hostages, I would publish this episode. My heart breaks for the mothers out there who are mourning their children and or praying for them to return home safely. Okay, so today I'm airing a new Miniso that I pulled from day one of my free workshop a few weeks ago called It's Time to Talk Midlife. I got such amazing feedback in my DMs text messages, the Facebook group from that workshop that I decided to take all three days and make them into separate podcast episodes.

Sarah Milken (00:02:13) - If you were there live in the workshop, it was fucking awesome. And now you get to listen to it again. Because, you know, when we listen to things again, especially with the midlife brain, we get so much more out of it. And if you haven't listen and you weren't there, then this is your chance to do it. You know these are not going to be an order that really wasn't the fucking plan. But whatever. You can already have listened to day three, which was episode 94 called How to Say Fuck to Fear in Midlife. Now, this episode today is centered around the kids are leaving. Now what? Whether you are already an empty nester or a half empty nester like me, you will be able to walk away with shit up. Oh, I never thought of that kind of moment, so make sure you listen to the whole thing, because I have ten. Yup, ten golden nuggets to share. So let's get into the episode. Kids are leaving now what? So that includes if you're an empty nester already, if you're a half empty nester, if it's coming up for you in the next year, 2 or 3.

Sarah Milken (00:03:19) - And even if you don't have kids and you have nieces and nephews, and you are entering a transitional point in your life where you feel like perhaps there's a hole and like, what are you going to do next? Sort of like a grief kind of moment. And if you've had a kid leave for college, you know, the grief feeling so well. I'm so excited you guys are here. If you're here, you probably know me already. You resonate with me. You resonate with my messaging. I can be a little TMI. I can be some, like relatable. You could be like, oh my God, me too. She fucking said what I was thinking, but I wasn't going to go into the TMI as much as she did. Okay, so as many of you guys know, I just dropped off my 19 year old son Jake at college. I'm not going to go into all the details of the college drop off, and I did a whole podcast episode on that, and you guys can listen to that, and I'm sure some of you already have.

Sarah Milken (00:04:23) - It was basically, oh my God, is all I'm going to say. It was everything that you imagined it to be and fucking more. So if you follow me, you might know that I've been calling Teen Son's last year of high school, the year of Last's. It seems like kind of morbid and sad that you're like the year of last. Okay, the last baseball game, the last prom, the last day of school. Oh, it's like a heart dagger. I would just like to say that I think for me, it wasn't from a place of, like, negativity of, like, this is the last year, all of that. It was more like, we're we're so much on autopilot. And we're running from this to that to Aaron to the next thing that I thought to myself would, if I miss this moment, what if I'm doing something else and I don't really soak in this time of this is his last baseball game, and he's not playing baseball in college, and this is the last time I'm going to be sitting on this bleacher that's rock hard, killing my ass.

Sarah Milken (00:05:33) - And the wind is blowing even in LA, and it's freezing cold. And I have a cashmere sweater and shawl and everyone's looking at me like I'm from the North Pole. Um, but I really wanted the last year of his high school experience to be something that I remembered. So what I did was, is, as I chronicled the year of last, I took a screenshot or a picture, and then I created a little folder in my phone called Year of Lasts. And I probably have 15 photos in there. And for me, when I'm feeling kind of shitty and sad, I kind of go back and I look at that year of last. And if you didn't think of the idea while it was happening, I really recommend that you go back and do that. Just pull like 10 or 15 cool photos from the last year of high school and just put them in a little folder. Not baby photos, but photos from the last year, because it really kind of plays into this idea of remembering very specific moments that made up that last year of high school.

Sarah Milken (00:06:41) - I mean, I don't want to remember college applications at all. That was like beyond beyond, and that's a whole other episode onto itself. The bottom line on the college experience and the college application process, if you're wondering, is nothing fucking matters. You can't predict anything. You can do 675,000 AP classes, activities up the wazoo, and the schools that you get into and don't get into make no fucking sense. So don't even bother trying. Just let your kid do their best, throw in the chips and move on because anything that you predict is not happening. So that's my that's that's my golden nugget. Advice from the college experience. Let your kid do what they want to do and enjoy themselves, because nothing that you think is going to happen actually happens. So I want you guys to go back and maybe kind of collect 10 or 15 photos to sort of actually sit down and remember those moments and kind of put them in that wet cement in your head. Yeah. Because I have a little folder, like I said, where I kind of go back and look at it and I'm like, oh my God.

Sarah Milken (00:07:53) - And it's not to make me sad, it's just to remember that whole year of time. Okay, so you know that I like lists and I like golden nuggets because at the end of all of my episodes, I do a golden nugget. Summary I basically feel like the midlife brain for me. I'm like, don't fucking shout a million things at me and tell me 100 things. I'm not going to remember any of them. I just need kind of like a bullet point summary of what the fucking bottom line is. So what I did for today is I basically came up with a Golden Nugget list of the ten golden nuggets that I'm in the process of learning in this half empty nest journey that I'm on right now. So who's ready for the Golden Nugget? Summary? As I gulped down some water? And then you guys, you don't even have to take fucking notes. The Facebook group, I listed them all out for you. I typed them up. So, as you know, I like to try to make things easy for people because I know what midlife brain feels like.

Sarah Milken (00:09:04) - You're like, can you fucking repeat that again? You just said your name nine times and I have no idea who you are. Okay, Golden nugget number one. Congratulating myself, congratulating yourself. Job well done. You have launched a fucking human being into the world. I know that sounds really stupid, but I had probably 20 of you guys send me this Instagram reel that was like, you've launched your bird into the world. And I was like, wow, what a good reframe. Instead of like, hey, yes, I have this huge hole in my heart. It's like congratulating myself on a job well done. I'm not guaranteeing he's going to have a 4.0. I'm not guaranteeing that he's making $200,000 the minute he graduates from college. I'm not even guaranteeing that he's emptying his fucking trash can, because I got a photo the other day of him giving his trash can a bath in the college bathroom, and I was like, that is so gross, I'm going to die. And I was like, why are you washing the trash can? And he said, we sort of gave up on trash bags for a while.

Sarah Milken (00:10:18) - And I was like, um, okay, I'm just going to pretend that you didn't say that and we're just going to move on. So I want to take a second. I want everyone to clap for themselves if they've launched one or more children into the world, not even you don't even have to have a kid who's gone to college. Maybe they got a job. Maybe they've moved out of the fucking house. Whatever it is, congratulate yourself. Job well done, kid. Out of the house. That is Golden nugget number one, congratulating yourself today. Job well done, kid. Out of the fucking house. Okay, Golden nugget number two. Don't try to overcome your feelings. Own them. Don't shove them down. Feel them. When I came home from the Philadelphia drop off, I literally felt like jello wasn't even like jello in, like, that really cool mold that you get where you get, like the curves of the jello cake that you can cut where it's like organized and cute.

Sarah Milken (00:11:24) - I was like splattered chunky jello all over a plate with no mold. I did not even know what to do with myself. And so many of you guys messaged me and was like, that's such a good way of putting it. Like, I really did feel like fucking jello. It's so hard. And then I also said that there were times where I was like, okay, I wish I could put Spanx on and the Spanx could hold my jello ness all together while I'm sitting on the fucking sofa. I'm still in my pajamas for the first three days. If you saw me on Instagram, I was in my pajamas. I brushed my teeth. That was like step number one. I brushed my teeth, drank my coffee. I was still in pajamas until 3 p.m. working on this workshop for all of us, so I had something to work on. But I could not motivate to work out and I could not motivate to like, shower and put my clothes on. But that was only 2 or 3 days for me.

Sarah Milken (00:12:23) - And that's going to be another part of this conversation in a few minutes where you can kind of feel all the feels and feel like a jello blob, you just can't hang out there too long and we're going to get to that. Okay. Golden nugget number three of this emptiness experience for me. Half emptiness. Because as you guys probably know I have teen daughter here. She's turning 17 in a week. She fucking hands me my ass all day long. It's like I have a supervisor. It's so stressful to have an 11th grade daughter. I adore her to pieces, but I'm like, was I like this to my mom? Did I not want to be micromanaged? Like, and my mom's like, well, maybe I just don't remember you being as snappy. And I was like, well, maybe because I had a long term boyfriend and I was always complaining about you to him, perhaps. Okay, Golden nugget number three is I want I have been working on this for myself, and I think it's a really good nugget for all of us to think about.

Sarah Milken (00:13:31) - I've been trying to reframe this experience or event of my kid leaving my house as a creation of a new nest, a new kind of nest with new roles. So what do I mean? Okay, so we're all going from manual. Your mom to consultant mom like my son doesn't give a fuck what I have to say on the daily. So I'm not the helicopter micromanager mom, as I was before, where I was like, do you have your baseball pants? Did you get your prescription? Did you do this? Did you take your vitamin D supplement, all of that? I can't do that anymore. He's in Philadelphia. I only know he's seeing my text because I forced him to put read receipts on. So that's another trick, you guys. If your kid is not responsive to you via text, make them put red receipts on, because then you know that they've at least seen the text, and then you can move on to the next task in your brain. Okay. So creation of a new nest.

Sarah Milken (00:14:36) - What does that mean. It's the new role of us moving from the manager mom to consultant mom in the nest. It's also creating a place where your kids want to come home to. So like, my son is not going to want to come home to me, like throwing a million things at him. So I'm like, oh, when you come home, you can bring a school friend or your friends from, you know, the ten kids who came to my house every night for five years. They're obviously all welcomed here. So it's like creating that nest where they want to come home to, where they sort of started. And I'd also say like for a sibling, like I'm a half empty nest. So I still have my daughter at home. And I have to say that it's a different role for her to like, this morning. She's like, why the fuck do you keep reminding me of every single thing I need to bring to school? Like I'm not in third grade? I'm like, do you have your water bottle? Do you have your sports bra for your tennis match? Do you have this? And she's like, you've never like, done this before.

Sarah Milken (00:15:40) - Why are you asking me all this? And I was like, I stopped for a second and I thought to myself, I don't know why, why am I doing this? And the reason is, is because I had to do that with Teen Son because he's a boy. And if I did it, I would get a text from him that was like, please bring my baseball pants. So because he's not here, her role has now changed to only child, and my parents are annoying and suffocating me and trying to micromanage me. So I'm trying to kind of. Think about how our nest has to change a little bit, and how the rhythm of our days have to change, because now it's her and us, and teen son is not in the nest anymore. And what is that going to look like? Like we're so used to having him fly in and out of dinner, but now it's like the three of us staring at each other and it feels really different. It's like my daughter just wants to hide.

Sarah Milken (00:16:41) - She's like, get away from me and don't ask me one more thing. Next thing, before I get to Golden Nugget number four, we have to talk about partners or husbands, because I have to say one of the hardest things about this half emptiness journey for me is the fact that my husband was not as upset as I was. It was annoying to me. I felt like I wanted to punch him. I was like, wait a second, I'm crying, I'm stressing, and you're just thinking about this compartmentalised life of what's the next step? Oh, we have to fill out school forms. Has Jake has has he had all of his vaccinations? But he's not doing the vaccination drama? I am, but he's just thinking of all the steps. Have I ordered more? Enough duffel bags to send all the clothes. And I'm thinking that, like, I'm basically like losing a limb by having a kid leave. And he had this way of just, like, compartmentalizing it and not feeling like this bowl of jello.

Sarah Milken (00:17:43) - Anyone want to go on off of mute and kind of tell us, like what that felt like? Okay. Hi.

Speaker 2 (00:17:52) - So I. Just can summarize it for you. The difference between my husband and myself was literally like the day after we got home from dropping my son off at college. He went out. He's similar to your husband, Sarah, where he has a million hobbies. My hobbies and basically my entire life in a lot of ways has been being a mom. Totally. As I'm sure many of you on this call have been. And so my husband loves golf first. And so he went out the day after we dropped my son off at school, and he played the golf round of his entire life. I was at home with my daughter. She and I spent the day crying. Oh.

Sarah Milken (00:18:41) - So at least your daughter was crying? My daughter was like mean to me. She, like, wouldn't express to me how she felt, so she just kept, like going in the other room.

Sarah Milken (00:18:52) - I knew she was struggling, so that was kind of. Yeah, that was that's the way was her way. Yeah. She copes. But my husband was exactly the same way because he I thought he hated golf after all these years. So someone finally convinced him to go. But I have to say, he's been there almost every single day after work since Jake left. And I'm like, how did I become the golf widow? Like, what's happening here? And he is just experiencing this so differently from me. I'm like, this is not fair. Yeah. Did anyone else? Does anyone else have anything to add on this?

Speaker 2 (00:19:32) - I will.

Sarah Milken (00:19:33) - Oh, hi.

Speaker 3 (00:19:34) - Hi, I'm Heather. Hi there. Hi. Thanks so much for doing this. Oh my God. Kind of the opposite problem. Where? Well, sort of my. So my son goes to DePaul University, right? Just like three miles from us in the city. And I was a mess. And I was a complete bitch like the week before he left.

Speaker 3 (00:19:52) - It was because I was sad, and that's just how it was coming out. But when my husband has done is kind of the opposite. Where, yes, he's not as emotional, but now he's lobbed on to me. So it's wanting to go to hot yoga with me four nights a week and walking the dog now so I can't even listen to any podcasts in the morning. I literally have no alone time and I it drives me bonkers and it's great. And it's like our date night kind of going to yoga, but date.

Sarah Milken (00:20:23) - Night every night, you're like, dude.

Speaker 3 (00:20:25) - No, I need my alone time. I know I would never say that to him, but I think what he's done is he's definitely pouring himself into our. And she's suffocating. But it's just it's really funny.

Sarah Milken (00:20:37) - I know my husband wants to walk with me all the time and I'm like, okay, but I don't want to talk back, right? Like, this is like my time. I'm like listening to a podcast.

Sarah Milken (00:20:47) - Like, I'll stare at the grass. I don't even care. And he's like, why are you not talking? I'm like, because your voice is annoying me right now. And like, this is my alone time. And I don't want to talk about the dog's allergy problems. Like, I don't give a fuck right now. Yeah. And and then I said to him, I know this is kind of rude, but I was like, do you care if I listen to a podcast while we walk? Because it's like, sometimes I just don't I don't want to be asked questions. It's like, I this is like my kind of like meditation time. So I find that if I walk on the treadmill with the beautiful weighted vest, I don't have to talk to anyone. So I like, but I do. I do try to do the walk once or twice a week and pretend that I'm interested in the dog's allergy problems. Golden nugget number four let freedom ring everybody on TikTok's like, oh my God, emptiness, freedom free at last.

Sarah Milken (00:21:45) - I'm like Martin Luther King today. Free at last. All these things. Now it's all my time I get to sleep in, I get to do all of all the things that I've always wanted to do. Okay, so here's the problem. Let Freedom ring sounds really great in theory, but. It's also really hard because if you don't have those hobbies or those passions, like my husband, the hobbyist has the piano, the golf, all the things you're like, okay, well, what what am I supposed to do with my time? Does anyone here feel like, okay, so what am I supposed to do with that extra freedom and that extra time? Because we want to ask you how you made that mental shift. Tell us. Hi. Tell us how you let freedom ring.

Speaker 4 (00:22:38) - I'm the kind of person who's always had a lot of things that, like, interest me and excite me, and I've had a lot on the back burner for a very long time, and I feel like I have this ongoing conflict between I have one kid at home and same age.

Speaker 4 (00:22:55) - Actually, both my kids are similar age to Sarah's kids. I have one kid at home, one in college, and it's this constant conflict of one like loving my kids, trying to savor every minute, enjoying being with them, um, feeling, you know, that, like, the time is limited, you know, I don't know where they're going to end up living if we'll be in the same city, you know, it's it's a loss. And at the same time, I want time for me. How much time can I keep sacrificing and putting every single person in the house ahead of me? If I have a to do list, I do what my kids need first. Like I'm still calling like doctors and prescriptions and whatever, and the meals in the house are still me. So whatever anybody else needs comes first. And I'm really excited for my to do list. And I've turned one of my hobbies, which is cooking into a second career. And so I'm trying to put as much time into that as I can.

Speaker 4 (00:23:52) - So in terms of how do you do it, I guess I would say think about what it is that you've ever enjoyed, ever liked, even. It was a very long time ago. I know when I was in my early 20s, I was really into learning my family's recipes. Actually later 20s, when I first got married, I wanted to collect all the family recipes so I could make them too. And I was in graduate school. So I said to myself, one day I'm going to write a cookbook. So I waited decades, you know, to be able to tackle this project. And I ended up I haven't written a book, but I have a recipe website. So in that way I'm able to put any recipe I come up with one at a time onto the website. You know, even if it's at times when I have little kids, even when it was months apart till I entered. Another thing. Um, so for me personally, I feel like I've been waiting a long time for a lot to do a lot of these things.

Sarah Milken (00:24:49) - Wow, that is amazing. Has anyone else had the same experience? I have.

Speaker 4 (00:24:54) - A daughter who.

Sarah Milken (00:24:56) - Graduated college in.

Speaker 4 (00:24:57) - May and has.

Sarah Milken (00:24:58) - Actually come back home temporarily.

Speaker 4 (00:25:00) - She's working in Philly and we live outside the city, but my youngest is in Miami.

Sarah Milken (00:25:06) - Going to school.

Speaker 4 (00:25:07) - And my.

Sarah Milken (00:25:07) - Husband.

Speaker 4 (00:25:08) - Travels a ton.

Sarah Milken (00:25:10) - So when both my kids were in college the last.

Speaker 4 (00:25:13) - Two years, I.

Sarah Milken (00:25:15) - You know, I work part.

Speaker 4 (00:25:16) - I work part time, I have friends, I get involved in stuff, but I had a lot of time on.

Sarah Milken (00:25:24) - My hands.

Speaker 4 (00:25:24) - Trying to figure out what to do next, but then, but then also embraced kind of being alone. At times. I found eating dinner by myself was not something I liked, but when I had friends, you know, all my married friends were really busy at night, so it was really trying to find. Like what I struggle with, what I want to. What I want to do next, but also kind of embracing like, well, I have the freedom to do anything.

Speaker 4 (00:25:48) - So if someone says, hey, do you want to go do meet for dinner or drinks? I'm like, sure. Let's do it. But it's a really weird time. It definitely is. And it's really weird. You know, my spouse was much like, you know, had a very different reaction than I did. And, um, just trying to find new things to keep it going because my daughter is going to leave again soon and I'll be a full empty nester again.

Sarah Milken (00:26:13) - Wow. I know it is hard, but I do like the spontaneity part a little bit. I mean, I have teen daughter at home, but it's still given me, you know, she's busy and she's studying and she's doing all of her activities. So there has been a little bit more space in that where it's like, oh, wait, I can go to dinner with four friends and she's not going to care. Whereas and not that the teen son cared so much, but it was like he always had friends coming in and out of the house.

Sarah Milken (00:26:42) - I kind of like wanted to be around and all the things. So it definitely has one layer off. And the fact that I'm not reminding him to do shit, boring shit and all the things because boy brains just work differently, especially ad boy brains. I have less reminding to do, apparently, according to my daughter. So I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Like. Our labels are changing. We've gone from helicopter micromanager mom to consultant mom. Maybe like stay at home mom or career mom. Was your label like. And now your kid's gone. So are you still a stay at home mom?

Speaker 4 (00:27:25) - Who are you?

Sarah Milken (00:27:27) - What are you? A lot of times if you're a stay at home mom, especially if you're a stay at home mom like I've been for the last 19 years, a lot of times you're like, I'm a mom. But now that your kids off at college, you're like, do I still say that? Like, what's my new label? There's a lot of us who have those hobbies and passions, and then there's a lot of us who don't like.

Sarah Milken (00:27:51) - For me, before I started this podcast, I was like, I don't know, wait, what am I good at? I don't know, it's not like I had this whole list of like, okay, when my kids are grown, I'm going to do this. I literally was like, what the fuck am I going to do? And I think there's a lot of us in that place. In terms of the labels, I know that for me, I have felt less visible, less relevant and kind of less meaningful now that one of my kids is gone and I actually had a dream. This is like kind of sad and I can't believe I'm sharing this, but whatever. I had this dream the other night that I came home and no one had noticed that I was gone for a year. And of course they would have noticed if I was really gone for a year. But it kind of shows you like what our subconscious minds are thinking about. Like, even if you're not thinking about it on a conscious level, your subconscious mind is like.

Sarah Milken (00:28:55) - Wait, does anyone care if I'm here? Like, do I matter as much anymore? Does anyone else have those feelings of like less relevance and less meaning and less visibility? So we're going to move into Golden Nugget number six. Golden nugget number six is reframing this separation from your kid as the invisible string. Do you guys remember that book that kids book the invisible string. Okay, so basically it's this idea that there are these two kids and they're afraid because they're hearing the noises of the thunderstorm, and the mom is trying to, you know, console them and tell them that everything's going to be okay. And she explains to them that even if they're in their own room, that there's an invisible string attached to her and it will always be there. And I really thought about that when I got home from dropping off my firstborn, because I had said that to him. And of course, he probably didn't listen. Or maybe he filed it somewhere in his crazy brain, but it really made me think about how we can all reframe this separation as the invisible string.

Sarah Milken (00:30:14) - Look, we all have locations. If you have locations for your kid on your phone or like, like 360, where in the world is Jake Milken? Let's find Jake. He's in the dorm. He's at the bookstore. Oh, he's at Chipotle. You know, it's like, ridiculous, right? But in a sense, that is our invisible string right now. That's our like. That's like our lifeline. We want to know where they are, even if it's of no relevance. Like, there are times where it's like 1:00 in the morning in Philadelphia, and I can't identify exactly where he is. He's just on this block and I'm like, oh, he must be at a club. Oh, I guess I'm not going to ask about where he was tonight, but it's this idea that we always have this invisible string attached to our kids. My husband doesn't have it on his phone. How fucking funny is that? Like, if he wanted to know where my kids were, he would actually have to call them.

Sarah Milken (00:31:14) - And I said to him, I'm like, you don't want to know. Like in case of an emergency. He's like, but I have you. And I'm like, okay, great. So I'm going to just like, stay up all night and like watch like 360. You know what's really funny? I never allowed my kids to have my location and my daughter secretly turned it back on. And then she texted me the other day and she goes, did you turn the locations off? And I was like, I thought you hated me. Why do you want to know where I am? It was actually kind of funny. She doesn't hate me, but she was probably monitoring, like whether I was picking up Frida's Mexican restaurant dinner that she wanted or whatever. Oh, someone said, I've never tracked my kids. It's better for everyone. Okay, so I will say something about that. I was at dinner the other night with four empty nest moms, and we were talking about life 360 and I said, they said, well, do you have it? And I said, yeah, but I don't have the notifications on.

Sarah Milken (00:32:16) - I don't want to know. Every single time he enters and exits the dorm that like, gives me an anxiety attack. And none of the other moms had had their notifications turned off and I was like, am I the only one? And it made me so anxious to do that. But then at the same time, I felt like it was a really good part of like my letting go a little bit, like I could look if I wanted to, but I wasn't going to be notified every time that he took a step. Okay. Golden nugget number seven. Trust the process. When you're telling a control freak like me to trust the process, and I'm telling you guys to trust the process, it's it's hard to accept that as a truth. Like there's no way I'm going to give up my control. But at the same time, if you think about it, just as in life, there are millions and trillions of kids and parents who have successfully launched their kids into the world, parents who have successfully transitioned into empty nest and gone on to lead meaningful lives.

Sarah Milken (00:33:21) - So I'm telling you, as the flexible neurotic that I am beginning to trust the process of that, I will be okay. I'm trying to take a page from my husband's book, as he always says to me, Sarah, you think too long term. Let's just think about today and like what the next step is. So I'm really trying to trust the process here and learn that not everything is in my control, and it's just going to be what it's going to fucking be. Okay. Golden nugget number eight your spouse or partner matters. Fake it to make it if you have to. Are you guys thinking like. Wait, what is she talking about? Because what I'm saying is, the time with your spouse is much more important. We're having to redefine the dynamics of our spousal or partnership relationships in our house. I'm like, I'm not having sex. More like, please get away from me. Um, but the reality is, is that these are things that we do have to think about.

Sarah Milken (00:34:31) - Felt that your relationship has changed since your kids have left. Yes. Okay. Who who wants to talk about whether it's for the better or for the worse, I will. Okay. Hi.

Speaker 5 (00:34:47) - Hi. So I'm a little bit past you guys. I have daughters in your 20s, and I've already launched them. And it was really hard. I used to close the bedroom door so that I wouldn't walk by and see the open door and cry. Um, but you know, what happens is that you actually always say this. You can have sex before dinner. You can have sex wherever you want, whenever you want. You can have ice cream for dinner. Like there are no rules. I feel like there's so much power and control you get back in your life that you. It's just been amazing way of embracing it. And I'm not saying that you have sex every day, but I'm saying you can have sex wherever the heck you want to have sex.

Sarah Milken (00:35:38) - So are you telling me, are you telling me you have sex and weird places in your house?

Speaker 5 (00:35:43) - I'm not not telling you that.

Speaker 5 (00:35:45) - Oh, interesting. Yes.

Sarah Milken (00:35:47) - Do you have lube in the kitchen?

Speaker 5 (00:35:49) - Um, I there's all kinds of lube in the kitchen. What are you talking about?

Sarah Milken (00:35:57) - Really?

Speaker 5 (00:35:57) - Honestly, do I have to tell you it really does get better. Everything gets better.

Sarah Milken (00:36:03) - And do you feel like. Do you feel like your spouse wanted to spend more time with you? Or was like, by him at the golf course?

Speaker 5 (00:36:10) - No. He wanted to spend more time. He was like, he was like yours in the sense, like, let's go on a walk together. Let's do this together. And I'm like, my happiness. Your happiness is not dependent on my happiness. I need to figure out my own. And so once you figure that out, I think it's much easier to come together as a couple.

Sarah Milken (00:36:29) - I totally agree, I think one of the things that has obviously helped with my son leaving and my husband kind of like doing his hobbies and going to work, is I, because I've been with my I've known my husband since I was in ninth grade and so and we've been together 27 consecutive years, except not including the month and ninth grade where I dumped him for a senior.

Sarah Milken (00:36:56) - So there's a lot of time spent together. And now it's sort of, you know, there's a codependence probably more on my side than his side because, like, he has, has had a career for the last 19 years and I've been a stay at home mom. So there has been a lot of from me of like, what time are you coming home for dinner? Like, what are we doing this afternoon? What are we doing on Sunday? And I think for me, having this platform in this podcast and being busy has helped with my codependence on him from, you know, this idea of him saving me or him making it better for me. The self responsibility part is, and I posted a post on Instagram that a lot of people resonated with. It's like I don't play pickleball yet. Okay, so Golden Nugget number eight, we just did your spouse or partner matters. Fake it to make it if you have to. I mean, we know the midlife vagina's not always on functioning properly.

Sarah Milken (00:38:00) - At some point we're going to have to talk about vaginal estrogen because I've been using it and I'm just telling you it's a game changer and it really lubes up your whole bottom half is all I'm going to say. We can save that for another time. Um, okay. How many of you guys have a weekly plan with for like, a spousal or partner lunch or dinner, like a date night, a date lunch or whatever? Does anyone want to share? Like some of their secret sauce of making, like, a date night or a date lunch for me? Um. My husband and I go to lunch every Friday, and I think it works out perfectly now because the golf came back into the picture. So lunch is always at Brentwood Country Club and then he plays golf. Actually, that's not true. He plays golf before he takes Fridays off. He plays golf before we have lunch, and then he comes home and does an hour and a half piano lesson. Talk about the fucking hobbyist. It's so annoying.

Sarah Milken (00:39:04) - I can't handle it. And I'm like, what's my hobby? I don't know. Okay, we do fun, fun day Friday bar hopping in early dinner. Wow. He likes to take me out for lunch once a week. Okay. That's cute. Does anyone want to talk about it? Anything that they've tried or done that's worked. Other than being naked in the kitchen.

Speaker 6 (00:39:30) - I'll talk about it, actually. Okay. Karen, how are you? Hi. Well, my husband's a drinker. I married a Brit, so we're very big into Friday happy hour. Anytime. He can basically imbibe himself and we can have cocktails together that he's fully in. So whether it's a Friday night happy hour or a Wednesday night happy hour for that matter, it's pretty much just involves a cocktail and maybe an app at a bar somewhere. That's the hour thing. So we don't really need to set like a regular schedule, but we like, yeah, just the occasional cocktail together.

Sarah Milken (00:40:07) - As long as he can get all his parts working after alcohol, I guess it works, right?

Speaker 6 (00:40:12) - So it works for me.

Speaker 6 (00:40:13) - That's the plan is his part to work. So it's just to the mom who was like, you can have sex wherever you want. I actually really like to keep it to a minimum, and I like sorry. Morning before coffee, before my coffee buzzer goes off. So I actually would like to talk about your estrogen insertion or whatever that is, because right now I did it last night.

Sarah Milken (00:40:36) - Yeah. Mondays and Thursdays it gets inserted.

Speaker 6 (00:40:39) - Telling you I definitely need to know more because that whole thing is just going up, literally in smoke for me. But I'm all about happy hour with with your partner. It's it's good and it's nice and easy.

Sarah Milken (00:40:51) - I love it. So Golden nugget number ten I'm going to say. And I see my friend Melissa. She's part of my empty nester crew. She's part of half empty nester. So we try to do a weekly thing where we get together, we have lunch or dinner, just us or with some other half empty nester moms, and we talk about the real fucking feelings.

Sarah Milken (00:41:13) - I call these planning weekly glimmer moments with friends and family. Sometimes my parents. I can handle that. Sometimes they're too annoying and I do adore them to pieces. But that's a whole other topic for another day is kind of the whole management piece of aging parents. It's a whole other part of this. And I think another interesting thing is, especially for girls, moms feel like they got dropped from the group chat was like she used to ask me my my opinion on her outfit or what I thought. And now I've been completely ghosted, drop from the chat and was like, don't worry, I was never part of Jake's fucking chat. Like ever. We've heard this a million times. At the longest standing, Harvard study shows that friendships are the most important predictors of happiness. So that's why I am also creating this platform here. It's not always easy to meet new like minded, like vibed women in midlife, and that's why I have created this podcast, this platform. I feel like there's so many of us feeling all the same feelings, and having us all together in one place is affirming.

Sarah Milken (00:42:27) - Like we all want to feel seen and heard, and we all want to feel like we have a place at the lunch table. High school is over where we're. It's like mean girls. Like you're not allowed to sit at my table and you have to look exactly the way I do. I'm basically saying, come sit at our table, wear whatever the fuck you want. Botox, don't Botox, have gray hair, don't have gray hair, do whatever the fuck it is. But let's be together and support each other in making choices that feel good for us. Because by the time we've gotten to midlife, we have earned the fucking right to do us, choose us, and be who we want to be. And if you're with people who aren't supporting that, those are not your people. And let's create a space here where we have our people are all here. You're showing up for yourself. You're showing up for me, you're showing up for each other. And the best part about this is by showing up, you're telling your brain that you're in.

Sarah Milken (00:43:24) - Because we can all watch things on social media and scroll and be like, yeah, I would love to look at morning sunlight because Andrew Huberman told me to, but unless you're fucking doing it, the changes are being made. So you're here today, which means you're ready to make those changes in midlife. It's our midlife time to rewire our thoughts, our old midlife shit, into new shit. If you're still feeling like jello, I totally feel you. It's really hard and there are some days I feel like ass and some days I feel better. So the days that I feel better, like today where I'm all pumped with adrenaline, are the days I'm going to get more shit done. And then there are days where I'm in my pajamas till 3 p.m. and no one is alone. We're all in this together. I hope that these ten golden nuggets of what I have found have worked for me in half empty nest have been helpful to you. I hope you're inspired. I hope you feel seen and heard.

Sarah Milken (00:44:18) - I hope you know that I'm always here for you guys. I love all of you. Hey, peeps, it's me again. I just wanted to pop in here and do my Golden nugget summary, because I know that when I listen to a long fucking episode, I'm like, oh my God, I love that. And then I can't even remember the specifics. So this is why I go back and do a golden nugget. Summary. Golden nugget number one, congratulating yourself on a kid or kids launching into the world. I'm not sure this nugget needs more explaining. It's straight to the point, because launching a human into the world is a huge feat and something you should be extremely proud of. Whether they went to college, got a job, or moved out of the house on their own. I want everyone to clap for themselves if they've launched one or more children into the world. Clap clap clap. Golden nugget number two don't try to overcome feeling like oh my God, what the fuck? Feel the feelings, just don't hang out there too long.

Sarah Milken (00:45:22) - We have to own our feelings and feel them. Even if we feel like we are in a jello state or just a blob sitting on the couch. I felt both those ways. That's okay. We just can't stay in cluster fuck hotel that long. Golden nugget number three. Reframe this quote leaving of your kid or kids as a creator of a new nest. New roles for everyone. We as moms are going from manager mom to consultant mom to our little bird that has left the nest. On the other hand, if there are siblings still at home like I still have teen daughter at home, they might feel like an only child now for me, I had to run through an imaginary checklist for my son before he left the house to do baseball practice, because he would forget things. After my son left for college, I started doing that for my daughter and she got so annoyed. She's like, I'm not Jake. I can remember shit. She didn't need me to remind her. However, that was something I was so used to doing with him, so it really kind of transferred to her without me really knowing that that's kind of what was going on.

Sarah Milken (00:46:34) - She was very quick to remind me. Golden nugget number four let freedom ring sex in the kitchen lol. If you are a full empty nester now, you have a lot of extra time on your hands. Well, maybe. And perhaps you want to have sex in the kitchen. I mean, I don't, but I know some people might. Now you have that extra time. Let freedom ring. Golden nugget number five. Our labels are changing. We're finding new personal identity pieces past, present and future. We're going from stay at home mom to now. What do we call ourselves once our kids leave? What do we say to people when they ask, what do you do? And if you're a stay at home mom and your kids are gone, you're like, uh, I don't know. It forces us to really look at our identity. The good news is, is that we get to choose a new identity and figure it out. We just have to get over the anxiety of that golden nugget.

Sarah Milken (00:47:30) - Number six, reframe the quote separation as the invisible string. The kids book, called the Invisible String was applied to our own kids when they were little, and they didn't want to sleep in their own rooms. We would give them the comfort and telling them that there's an invisible string from them to us, and that the string is there even if they can't see me. The string is there. Now, that invisible string for me is having my son keep his read receipts on when I text him, so that I know that he is alive, walking around through the school what he's doing, he's not sleeping all day or doing whatever. He doesn't necessarily respond, but that's okay. Golden nugget number seven trust the process. Changing of control, the unfolding. I'm trying to take a page from my husband's book, as he always says to me, Sarah, you think too long term. Let's just think about today and what the next step is. So I'm really trying to trust the process here. It's really hard for a control freak.

Sarah Milken (00:48:36) - And and I need to learn that everything is not in my control, and it's just going to be what it is and it's just going to fucking be. That's really hard. Golden nugget number eight your spouse partner matters. This is going to sound cliche, but we have to keep dating our partners, plan a weekly lunch together or dinner and make sure it's just the two of you. And you just chat and put your phones away. It's really hard, and you can start dating yourself. If you don't have a partner, that might be easier sometimes. Do nice things for yourself, like buy flowers for the kitchen when you're out and about, and just because you like the way they look on your kitchen table doing shit for you. Golden nugget number nine. Get dressed for you. From my research and my own experience, if you get dressed and ready. Each day you will feel more motivated and put together to take action steps, whatever those steps might be. You just might feel more motivated to do them.

Sarah Milken (00:49:34) - If you are in like clothes, maybe a little lip gloss, maybe mascara for some, you know I'm a makeup queen. Email someone work out. Say yes to the lunch with a friend. Golden nugget number ten. Plan glimmer weekly moments with friends and family. Bonus if they are empty nesters. This helps with the feeling of aloneness. Whether you have a weekly dinner with empty nesters or half empty nesters, old friends, new friends, or just excited to get together for a book club, whatever it is, I'm not saying you need to fill your whole week. Each week, just sprinkle moments into your week and your month. As we have all heard a million times, the longest standing Harvard study shows that friendships are the biggest predictors of happiness. And if your kids were once your everything and your connection to the world, now you need some new ones. The gold is dripping off these nuggets. Grab it. Use it. There are three things you can do. First, subscribe to the fucking podcast.

Sarah Milken (00:50:33) - Yes, it matters if you subscribe. Second, share it with some friends who might like midlife shit. And third, write an Apple review. Writing reviews is kind of annoying. It's an extra step, but guess what? It really helps the podcast grow DME. You know, I always respond, it's only me in my Instagram. And of course follow my Instagram at the flexible neurotic duh. Love you talk soon.