How To Say FCK to Fear In Midlife

Sarah Milken (00:00:04) - Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible, Neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago. Like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, Was this it for me? That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hey, peeps, it's me again. Dr. Sarah Milken with a new episode for you. I pulled it from day three of my free workshop last week that was called It's Time to Talk. Midlife Day three was so fucking good. I mean, all the days were good, but day three got into the juicy, the nitty gritty of being scared and doing it anyway.

Sarah Milken (00:01:07) - And basically everything that relates to fucking fear. Yes. Saying fuck, fear and midlife. I tell you, five of my own midlife strategies, I talk about what the research shows and we really, really get into it. If you're looking for tangibles for outcomes, this is the episode for you. The first 15 minutes, there were a bunch of women who so kindly participated in the conversation, introduced themselves, said why they were here and talked about my podcast or my Instagram or something about me that has moved them in some way in their midlife journeys. I was so overwhelmed and appreciative. I narrowed it down to three not in any order, but I just felt like 15 minutes of intros might have been a lot, and I really want you guys to get into the episode quick thing. You guys know that I'm obsessed with this topic of the midlife remix table. Okay, The Midlife remix is another name for midlife crisis. We're not having midlife crises. We're having midlife remixes. Midlife remixes imply that we have agency and self-responsibility.

Sarah Milken (00:02:19) - It's not just happening to us. A midlife crisis is happening to us and there's nothing we can fucking do about it. We can do something about it. A midlife remix table is a place where you get to curate and create all of the people who are at your midlife table, your metaphorical table, your literal table. Who are the people that you want? They're supporting you, cheering you on. They don't even have to be people, you know, It's other like vibe women who are in the same mental headspace that you're in wanting something more, wanting something that they can wake up every day and be like, I want to fucking do that. Something that's outside us, outside of spouses and children and all the things, something that's just fucking for you. So, so many of you guys couldn't come to my in-person live event at my home over the summer in Los Angeles. So many of you, 490 of you DM me and said, Do it virtually so. I listened. You spoke. I listened.

Sarah Milken (00:03:24) - I created it. I created an eight week online experience, aka a course. It's not pre-recorded sessions. It's you and me. And a group of women live every week for two hours a week on Zoom. We are getting personal. We are getting into research. We are talking about real things that can impact, impact midlife strategies and midlife self reinvention ideas. What the fuck is next for us, you guys? There's only two more days to sign up. Two more days? I don't even know if I'm going to be able to do this again. I have so many other projects going on and teens on and so many trips back East. I really wanted to squeeze this in and make it so, so good for you and for me. So go to my website. What the flexible, neurotic.com the eight week midlife remix table experience is the banner running across the top. And also if you go to my Instagram, it's the first thing on my Linktree. Okay, I want to get you guys into the episode.

Sarah Milken (00:04:31) - I hope I see you on the inside of the course. Love you. Talk soon. Okay, so here we go. I want to get cozy with you guys. I'm curious if you're open to this, but would you guys want to? If you feel comfortable, go off camera, say what your name is, say where you're from and why the fuck you're here. No pressure at all. It could be four of you. It could be none of you. And I think Jen Dynes is smiling, so she wants to introduce herself. All right. Well, I'm Jen.

Speaker 2 (00:05:03) - I'm in. I live in Seattle. And I'm so glad that you've done this because I need your message and community. And having just started menopause after, I think I should have I should have been experiencing it for a few years ago, but all of a sudden just came on and it came on hard. And I'm just looking for community. And it's so nice to know that there's so many other women going through the exact same thing.

Speaker 2 (00:05:29) - And I just find comfort in community and and so that's why I'm here.

Sarah Milken (00:05:34) - I love that. Thank you so much. I think we all are. We're like, how are we going to meet other people that aren't just like faces on Instagram? And I don't know, you're what are you going to do? Like walk up to someone at a coffee shop and be like, Yeah, I think you look like a midlife woman. Do you need any friends? Like, it doesn't work like that. I mean, I guess it could, but whatever anyone else want to say.

Speaker 2 (00:05:54) - Hi Heather. I live downtown.

Speaker 3 (00:05:56) - Chicago. I always have to preface that because I'm people say, all right, I live in Chicago. I'm like, no, you don't. You live like two hours outside of Chicago. So I live in the city. Um, but thank you so much, Sarah, and thank you so much, everyone else for being here. Um, I, uh, I have been sober from alcohol for four and a half years, and I thought that that was the hardest thing.

Speaker 3 (00:06:18) - Things that I've ever done. And congratulations, Heather, on smoking. That's like, think that's even harder. Um, but I thought that was hard. And I've been it's really tough because I felt so good and it's been so amazing the last couple of years and it's really frustrating to all of a sudden feel like shit and be super crabby. And as some of you saw in my response the other day in the Facebook group, like the thought or hearing my husband just chew his toast in the morning, I have to leave the room. Like I don't like feeling like I'm just on edge and walking on eggshells all the time, not because of anybody else, but because of myself. So and I just think it's really important for women to be talking about these things because we're not alone. And this is something that absolutely everyone goes through. So we deserve the fucking attention. We deserve to have a better life. So I don't promote this, but I just got this job. Have you guys heard of it? No.

Speaker 3 (00:07:20) - The girlfriend. Dr.. No, It's this vaginal like lube. But not for sex. You're supposed to just put it on. So I got this sample, and it's supposed to increase your sex drive, so you're going to have to keep doing that.

Speaker 2 (00:07:35) - You don't want to.

Sarah Milken (00:07:36) - You don't want to have sex in the kitchen randomly and spontaneously. I totally get it. Neither do I want.

Speaker 3 (00:07:40) - To have sex. Ever. So, yeah. So thank you. Thank you for doing this. Thank you so much.

Sarah Milken (00:07:45) - For being here. Love it. Okay, who's next? I don't know how to do this hand raising shit. Guys, just talk.

Speaker 4 (00:07:51) - Hi, Sarah, It's Dana. Dana. Hi. Okay, I got dressed so I could turn on my camera, so thanks for the moment. Thanks for the motivation. I'm not like Sarah. I don't put on makeup. The first minute I wake up. Yeah. Um, okay. So thank you for everything. First of all, thank you for all your medical topics.

Speaker 4 (00:08:12) - You helped me decide I needed to go get a menopause consultation because my ObGyn, who was so beyond amazing for pregnancy, has been very not very helpful for menopause. So I got a consultation and I'm all on a better path now. So that's one, two fear. This is my topic, so I'm really happy about today's topic. I'm in the Midlife remix and I appreciate all your Instagram posts of encouragement because whenever I'm sort of slowing down, stuck in the perfectionism and the fear.

Sarah Milken (00:08:50) - Oh, we're getting into that today.

Speaker 4 (00:08:51) - Dana, I know your words of encouragement. Really, you know, help me with the projects that I'm working on. So thank you for that. And third, I'm all here for the midlife friendship. We've had the pandemic and lockdown and feel like I've been hibernating a lot and got out of all kinds of habits and patterns where I socialized and I'm interested in getting back in the mix. And like one of the other people on here said, we used to have like school carpool and school meetings and all kinds of other things where we would run into people and run into friends and, you know, all that is about to end.

Speaker 4 (00:09:30) - I have one high schooler left in the house, but, you know, by late high school, there's not that much for parents to be doing at the school.

Sarah Milken (00:09:37) - Yeah, I totally get that. And I feel that because I as much as I'm over all of the school stuff, it definitely gives you times and points of connection. Um, and it's sort of like forced conversations and you're like, I'm a real human wearing real clothes and the whole thing. And I think, like you said, since the pandemic, it's a lot of like, Zoom and at home. And that's why I did do my live event in June, because I know that and I know not everyone can show up to an event in Los Angeles. But sometimes it is nice to see people in person. But even in this situation, like I'll talk about later, all the women who came to my live event like we're still in a group text and we talk to each other every single day. Like there were women messaging me this morning, like, good job.

Sarah Milken (00:10:25) - Like we're going to see you today on the Zoom. And it's such a nice thing knowing that there's people that know you, who feel you and who are going through the exact same things you are and that you're like you're accounted for because no one wants to feel like they're not accounted for. And I feel like platforms like this really create that. Okay, So you guys in my mind, you know, like there's that whole, like Sleeping Beauty, Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, that's like mirror, mirror on the wall. For me, the last few years have been fun, fun on the wall and fear, fear on the wall. It's been this like mix of like fun and fear, fun and fear every five seconds. And I think so much of the fear is you being in your own way, because I'm experienced that for the last three years. And I've interviewed so many experts who talk about that, so much of why we're not doing what we want to be doing is because we're afraid.

Sarah Milken (00:11:30) - So today is going to be talking about getting out of fear. The past two days I've had ten golden nuggets. Today I reduced it to five because I knew we were going to do the intros, or at least I was hoping you guys would participate in the intros. So I had to cut some of them off. But, you know, I'm always around. I can always give you the extra five golden nuggets. I'm going to I'm going to announce two giveaways at the end. So stay here as long as you can. There's one giveaway for the homework and then there's one big bigger giveaway. I didn't post my Instagram post that was a part of a different giveaway because my brain just couldn't take it. I was like, I can't be on Instagram for one more minute, so guess what? I fucking cut it. And that's part of what we're talking about today, is like going with the flow, what feels good, what does. And I was like all ready to post. And then that was like, that's just going to take too much energy right now.

Sarah Milken (00:12:23) - And I want to focus on day three of the workshop not responding to Instagram post. So that's part of the beauty of doing your own thing is you kind of have to listen to your intuition and be like, That works, that does it. And moving on to the next thing, Um, Golden nugget number one. Hold on tight, guys. Dana. This one's for you. Perfectionism is no longer an excuse. Okay, So many people, including myself, because I'm a recovering perfectionist. Hence the flexible, neurotic podcast title. Being a perfectionist. Fine. But we can't use it as an excuse anymore because for too literally, two, three decades. How old am I now? I was like, Oh, I can't do that because I can't do it perfectly. And you think it makes it sound okay and you rationalize that in your mind, but it's really not. And I think that this whole excuse of perfectionism has to be over, especially because what marketing research shows today is that listeners, viewers, people like you, like me, we want to see real people doing real shit.

Sarah Milken (00:13:36) - We get to see IBM and Nike and Nikon cameras and, you know, with millions and millions of dollars in budgets being able to create these phenomenal commercials and perfectly curated ads and all of that. But what people really want to see is real people doing real fucking things that they can relate to. So being perfect is not what other people are wanting or resonating with. Like, I'm coming on here going, okay, I don't know how to answer the hand raising. Like, that's not a that's like me saying, Hey you guys, I'm imperfect. I didn't practice this six times and I'm just showing up as who I am. Yes, I prepared for this, but not everything is going to be perfect. Okay. So perfectionism is no longer an excuse because messy is the new perfection. Okay? People want to see you in your pajamas. You don't have to do that. Like you see me in the morning in my pajamas with dog hair all over me. People want to know that you're real and that you're not perfectly curated and that you have every single thing mapped out.

Sarah Milken (00:14:46) - Type one in the chat if you consider yourself a perfectionist.

Speaker 2 (00:14:55) - See.

Sarah Milken (00:14:57) - But guess what, guys? That we have to turn, that we have to push that aside. Perfectionism is over. Messy is the new is the new. Look, it doesn't mean being like a clusterfuck. It just means you're never going to feel ready and nothing is ever going to be perfect. So just fucking do it. Okay. So in this three year mid-life remix of mine, I have realized that perfectionism could not be an excuse. Look. Yes? Do I want to jump on the pickleball court and, like, play pickleball, even though I don't know how to do it? No, of course I don't because I don't want to be a beginner. That's really hard. You don't want to start a cooking class, Dana, Which I'm sure because Dana has a whole cooking platform. It's like you're. You must be thinking your mind. Well, what if no one shows up? It would be so imperfect and so embarrassing if only one person showed up.

Sarah Milken (00:15:54) - But the reality is, is that one person is going to turn into three and that's going to turn into four and it's going to turn into five. But if you're not willing to start small and be a beginner, it's never going to work. Type one in the chat. If these feelings of perfectionism of like, I can't do that, it feels too big. What if no one comes? What if I post an Instagram post and no one likes it type of one in the chat? If any of that sounds familiar. I know. See me to look at all of you guys. It's all of us. We can't make this shit up. We just can't. Look, every five years, like I said, we all create. We all crave novelty and something new. The only way we can create something new is by stretching ourselves out of our comfort zone. But that feels so uncomfortable. And I get it. Like, I don't know if you guys got that fucking crazy email that we had to send out last night that was like, fucking read this, so's this.

Sarah Milken (00:17:02) - The whole email software told me that like a bunch of people got the emails of the replays. But then a lot of people, a lot of you guys were emailing me and being like, I never got the replays. And I was like, Oh fuck. And for a second I was like, Well, I don't want to email people and like embarrass myself that like the that my emails aren't even going out. And then I was like, You know what? I don't fucking care. Everyone signed up for this. I promised the email and I want to know if you got it. So I just sent like SOS. If you got the email, let me know. If you didn't get it, let me know. That's really imperfect and kind of fucked because someone who's planned a three day workshop who has to be like, Did you get my email? It's kind of embarrassing, but guess what? I'm showing you that I'm a real person. I don't have to overthink it. I can get myself out of rumination station and not think about whether I should send that email or not.

Sarah Milken (00:17:58) - There's no fucking good time. You're never going to feel ready. Look, professional research says that mid lifers in general feel that it's unacceptable to make a mistake, that they don't attempt to do things if they're not going to do them well. And I know you guys can all relate to that. And it seems like that there are so many unknowns that a lot of times it just feels easier to not do anything because everything seems so complicated. So let me just stay in my comfort zone. That's too fucking annoying. That's too much work. I don't want to go the extra mile. I don't want to figure out how to do that. Look, you guys, when I started this Instagram and this whole platform, I didn't even know what Google Drive was. I'm not kidding. Three years ago, didn't know what Google Drive was. My husband was like, Is that a joke? I'm like, Well, one, would I have used Google Drive? Like I've been a stay at home mom, like serving on boards.

Sarah Milken (00:18:58) - But the boards, they send fucking emails. They're not like Google Drive documents where everyone's like participating in it. Like I had to learn all of that stuff. It was so hard. And he kept saying to me, What do you not understand? And I'm like. Uh, a lot of things. And I also don't want to always learn every single thing because I can't be good at every single thing. I have to figure out what my wheelhouse is. So when I started this podcast, here I was. I was like, okay, I want to start this podcast. I don't know how to do that. I don't know what Google Drive is. I'm a social media virgin. I don't even have my own Instagram account and I've never been on Facebook. Well, that sounds like a really good combination for starting a platform. Like, holy fuck, Like, I really had like, like dominoes lined up. It was like, fuck. And my kids are not that helpful. They're lovely, but they're like, What do you mean? What do you mean? You need to start an Instagram account? And they're looking at me like I'm like a moron.

Sarah Milken (00:19:59) - So I did figure out how to start a podcast with Google. I did figure out how to do a post, and in fact, I even hired a social media company. I don't know if I've ever told you this. I hired a social media company when I first started and I was like, Okay, I want you guys to do my social media. And I hadn't paid them yet. And they sent me like a sample and I was like, What? These are just like pictures of me all over a grid. Like, this is what my social media is going to be. I was like, No, that's not me. So I like reneged on the contract, which was fine because we were early enough in it and I said, I can't do that because this doesn't even represent me or anything about me. So what was really funny is I ran into the woman. She's lovely and amazing at her job. Um, and I ran into her and she goes, Wait, who's been doing your social media for the last three years? It's amazing.

Sarah Milken (00:21:00) - And I'm like, me. And she's like, What are you talking about? I said, Well, I think of all the ideas and I have a VA who like, fucks with canva and like, makes fonts. And I'm like, I don't like that. And can you make the font bigger or smaller and can you make it pink instead of white? And like, that's it. It was like, I'm just going to throw shit on the wall and see what sticks. And like, yeah, some posts do really well and some posts don't, but I can't make my whole journey based on outward metrics because if I did that, I would never have the next day. If I saw that like my post numbers were down and that changed my trajectory. For what? Because Instagram didn't rank my post really high that day, and part of the fucking fear is really trying to figure out the depersonalization from what's happening. It's not fucking personal that Instagram decided not to have you high up in the algorithm that day.

Sarah Milken (00:22:06) - And I will say there are personal things in there, which is part of the fear thing too. And we're going to get to that with the external peanut gallery. Believe me, I know it so well. Type one in the chat, if you felt like any of that made sense to you, if you resonated with any of that. Okay. Yes. Rebecca. Denise. Melanie. Julie. Amy. Okay. Golden nugget number two. It's fucking hard to be a beginner. Okay, look, not tooting my own horn, but I'm a nerd. I'm a grades person. Like, I went to an Ivy League school. I got a PhD, I did a dissertation, all the fucking things. Okay? Then I go to start a podcast after being a stay at home mom for 18 years and not knowing how to use Google Drive and Oh, I'm going to be a brand new beginner at a podcast and I'm going to have zero followers, zero episodes, zero listeners, and I'm going to start from scratch on Instagram.

Sarah Milken (00:23:10) - Like that's like a minimum that feels like a minimum wage situation. It's very hard to go from like, here to here. But guess what, guys? It's for everyone. Unless you're buying someone else's business, which is a possibility for sure, unless you're buying someone else's business or you're taking over someone else's cooking course, everyone is going to be a beginner, not just you. It's all of us. And if you skip steps. It's just going to come back to bite you in the ass. You can't buy your way out of being a beginner. Look, like I said, I could have paid the social media company the few thousand dollars to take over my social media, but it wouldn't have been me. It wouldn't have been authentic. It doesn't mean that I didn't have someone help me with Canva posts, but it just meant that the Instagram had to reflect me and what I was thinking and what I was doing with my podcast, not someone else's version of it. And that's what I'm saying.

Sarah Milken (00:24:16) - So I think that for being a beginner, for me, that was one of the hardest things in terms of my fears is like, Well, I have a PhD and I'm going to start over. Like what? You're going to put me back all the way down to kindergarten like I've come so far. That's all ego. That's like, you got to put that shit away. Because as you know, like even with the college, like the whole college application experience, it's like if you go in with an ego, you're going to get fucking hosed really fast. So it doesn't mean you can't be confident. It just means that you have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Anything new is dirty hands. No one else can do all that work for you. It's like the dumb weights. You can hire the trainer, but the trainer can't do the weights for you. And that's kind of what this whole like, midlife what's next for me Journey is and we talked about the self responsibility over the last two days is that no one else can do the job except for you.

Sarah Milken (00:25:18) - And it's fucking annoying, believe me. Because if I could have hired someone to do it, I would have. So I have a few strategies for the fear. Fucking fear and what worked for me in terms of being a beginner. So strategy number one, be willing to start small. Fucking suck it up guys. Nobody wants to be a newbie. Nobody, nobody, nobody. But every single person I've interviewed said the same thing. They started small Mary Claire, However, she has like seven zillion followers on Instagram and TikTok. She was like me. She was like, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. All I did was started posting things. Hi, I'm Mary Claire Haver and I'm a menopause specialist and this is what I have to say about blah blah, blah. And it caught on. People were like, Oh my God, this is a real person posting on Instagram. This is a real Ob-Gyn who has an opinion on things, and she didn't have an Instagram expert.

Sarah Milken (00:26:18) - She just started posting shit. So be willing to start small because things that start small grow. Okay. So my mom, for example, is 75 years old. She's been a CEO for 48 years. She started a school for special needs kids 48 years ago with four students. Okay. Four students Today, it has a $200 million operating budget and six campuses. If she had said to herself, I can't start a school because I only have four students. The world wouldn't have what she's created as one of the largest nonprofits in the country for special needs kids. Yes. Growing up with a mom that, like, talented is hard. That's a whole other bag of gems. But having said that, watching her do that my whole life and never giving up and like she would start a festival and like, you know, 40 people would show up and then the next year it would be 250, you know, And then by the end it was like a thousand. My point is, we can all start small.

Sarah Milken (00:27:29) - And yes, she had a PhD and yes, she had all of those things and she still started Small strategy number two, willing to learn on the go. I'm going to repeat that. Willing to learn on the go. If you are not willing to learn on the go. Doing anything new is going to be really fucking hard. You're not going to know everything. You're not going to. For me, it was Google Drive and Instagram and all of those things and like dragging files into folders. I didn't even know what the fuck anyone was talking about. Okay? But I realized when I the one I will say when I interviewed Susie Schwartz, who runs Unplug Meditation, one of the key things she said to me was transitioning from being Glamour magazine editor to creating this whole meditation model was the same thing. She had to convince herself that she could learn on the go, that she didn't have to know everything before she started. And that's what I'm saying to you. Don't not do something because you don't know how to do this, this or this.

Sarah Milken (00:28:44) - Be willing to learn on the go because it's worth it. And you can be honest with people and you can be vulnerable. I'm like, Hi, I'm a tech moron. Let's move on. Yeah, you can do that. So for me, strategy number two, learning on the go sounds basic, but it's fucking essential If you're a writer and you want to start a blog and you're writing is your specialty, but you're not starting the blog because you don't understand how to post the blog. Like, I wouldn't know how to do that. Don't let that stop you. You can hire a VA, you can ask a teenager, you can hire a college student, all of which I've done. You could torture your spouse, all of which I've done. You don't have to know how to do everything. Do the part that you're fucking good at and find someone else to help you. I have no shame in saying that I'm Tech challenge. My husband thinks I'm a moron. All of the things.

Sarah Milken (00:29:43) - It's all good. Okay, Strategy number four be scared and do it anyway. I know that we've touched on that a bit in the last two days, but I will tell you that every single expert that I have interviewed, including Pamela Salzman, I'm sure most of you guys know her. She's a chef. She has a cookbook, blah, blah, blah. That was one of the first things she said to me, and she was my second podcast guest. And she said. The one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give midlife women is be scared and do it anyway. And that was such a nugget for me because I was on episode two and I was fucking scared and I was like, How am I going to do this? But almost every single person I have interviewed in this journey has said exactly that. I'm giving you like a nugget from three years. It sounds really simple, but it's true. It's the only way that people are getting things done. Mary Claire However, no fucking idea how to use Instagram gets on there is like, Hi, I'm Mary Clare Haver, I'm an ObGyn.

Sarah Milken (00:30:46) - I'm sure you guys have seen it. She had no idea even how to use Instagram. This is balls up. This is zero fox in midlife. This is being authentically being authentically you, being good at what you're good at and fucking the rest and being willing to learn on the go Strategy number five, Just say yes sooner to uncomfortable things. Okay. Sarah, What the fuck are you talking about? This is what it means. If you're a midlife woman, you want to make more midlife friends, right? You're like, Oh, I'd really like to make more friends. So someone invites you to an event or a dinner, a book signing, and you're like. I don't fucking know anyone. What if I don't have anyone to sit next to? It's going to be so awkward the first 15 minutes until I find someone that I have something in common with. Everybody feels that way. Even famous people. Everyone feels that way. Who would you talk to? Who am I going to sit next to? Type one in the chat.

Sarah Milken (00:31:52) - If that stops you from going to new things sometimes. Yeah. See, you're like, Oh, I can't. But guess what, guys? When you do say yes to new things, it's like sliding doors. Did you see that movie? It's called Synchronicity. Shit happens. The only way shit happens is if you put yourself there. It can happen when you're sitting at home, like on Netflix. That doesn't mean Netflix is not important for your mental health, but it just means that unless you go to that party, unless you go to that book signing and make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, you're never going to be put in those scenarios to meet that extra person. Okay. I got this invitation for a menopause event in New York City. I was like, Oh, that's kind of cool. Naomi Watts is putting on event. And then I thought to myself, I don't think I know anyone who's going, I can't go to that. That's gonna be so uncomfortable. Oh, I can't do that.

Sarah Milken (00:32:52) - And then I was like, okay, shut the fuck up, Sarah. You're going to go. You're going to find someone to sit next to. You're going to fly on an airplane by yourself with Carry On, even though you've never done Carry on before because you just want to stick it to your husband and you're going to fucking do it. And guess what, guys? You have to be a little bit uncomfortable to create change. I went to that event. I happen to know people, but I didn't know that before I agreed to go. Okay. I found out once I was there that I knew people at that event I met Tamsen Fadal. I'm sure some of you guys know her humongous Instagram account. Tick tock, blah blah blah. All the things. I met her. She came on my podcast. A few other people I met came on my podcast. That wouldn't have happened unless I had gone, unless I had made myself feel uncomfortable and shown up. And not everything has to be like for a podcast interview or this or that.

Sarah Milken (00:33:48) - Like I was at the Brentwood country Mark. And if you guys don't know that, it's like an outdoor like restaurant or anything. I saw Kathy Heller. She's a famous podcaster, and she was sitting with her two daughters, two of her three daughters. And I was like, Hey, I'm not really like the kind of person who would walk up to someone. But I just want to tell you how much I love your podcast. And she was like, Really? Thank you. And then, of course, her daughters thought that she was like a celebrity or something. And from that time, we've become friends. And like, she's going to interview me. I'm interviewing her. I just taught a podcast class on her podcasting course, but that only happened because I walked up to her and introduced myself to her. She wasn't like, Oh, there's a midlife woman, I'm going to go meet her. No, it was I had this, like, awkward moment where I was like, I'm waiting for my Mexican food to bring home to my teen daughter who ended up not even wanting it after I waited for 30 minutes for it.

Sarah Milken (00:34:52) - And. I walked up to Kathy and was like, Hi. I really love your podcast, and we became friends, but I wouldn't have been able to do that without putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. Okay. Golden nugget number three Your inner bitch mean girl is mean. I don't have to tell you that. You know that. Does anyone have a name for their inner bitch? I don't. I feel like I wish I did. Does anyone have a name? Type A yes in the chat. Oh, you Melanie. Yours is Stacey. Did you have someone bully you in high school or something named Stacey? That's so cute. Mean, not cute, but cute that you have, like, a girl's name for her. It's like a mean girl name. Oh, my God. I love it. So good. Okay, I don't have a name for mine, but I will say that my inner bitch says to me, You're not good enough. You're kind of older than you should be.

Sarah Milken (00:35:55) - 67,000 other people already have podcasts that are doing well and you're never going to catch up with them. Type A yes in the chat. If you have an inner bitch mean girl that's going over and over and over again, I'm telling you why you can't do something. Yeah, I know. Okay, so this is my idea for you. This is what's worked for me. We're all going to have to be honest here. You know, when you're in the market and the corner of your eye, you see someone you know and you don't make eye contact because you don't want to have to talk. Nod your head. Yes. Okay. I'm the fucking queen of that. And I don't remember most people's names either. And then I'm like, Do I know her from preschool, from elementary school, from high school? And then I feel like I have dementia, the whole thing. So that's what I do with my inner mean girl. I'm like. I see you out of the corner of my eye.

Sarah Milken (00:36:49) - I hear you out of the corner of my ear. But I'm just going to keep on moving. And that's my suggestion to you. The same way you ignore people in the supermarket and you don't make eye contact is the same way. You ignore your inner bitch and you're like, I fucking heard it and I'm going to keep on going. I'm scared, you're annoying, and I'm doing it anyway. Because the reality is if you don't do it, no one's doing it for you. So fuck the inner bitch. Put her on mute. Go. Yep. I hear you. Move on. Okay. Let me tell you a story about my quick inner bitch here. I posted an Instagram post that said, Hey, you guys, let's have a mid-life baby shower, but let's not celebrate our kids. Let's celebrate taking care of ourselves like, okay, great, 5000 people like the Post. What? That's weird. That's like so many. Usually it's not that many. And 500 people commented, I'm in, I'm in.

Sarah Milken (00:37:46) - I'm like, they're in. They're in for what? And then I got all these messages like, you're going to have a midlife baby shower, right? Like, I want to come to an event. And I was like, Could I do an event? What? Why not? Everyone's asking me. And. But a mid-life baby shower? That sounds really weird. Would anyone come? And I started replaying this thing in my head and my inner bitch kept going and I was like, Yeah, I hear you, I hear you. And then my husband's like, It's kind of a cool idea. Do you think people would come? And at that point, I was like, Fuck it, I'm going to try it. If I don't try it now, I'm never, ever, ever going to try it. And then Inner Bitch was like, Yeah, but your son is graduating from high school in like two weeks to really have time for this shit. And your husband just planned a trip to Hawaii for your last trip.

Sarah Milken (00:38:36) - Of the four of you before college, do you really think you have time to plan a live event at your house and have people fly in? No, I don't. But guess what? I'm going to do it anyway. And I'm not saying to take on more than you should, but there's always going to be a reason to not do something. And I had 10,000 of them. But let me tell you, having that live event push me to the wall, push my boundaries, push me out of the comfort zone and created 5000 million different opportunities, I got two sponsors for it. I wouldn't have had sponsors had I not had a live event, but I put myself in an uncomfortable position to see what things would happen. Okay. I think you guys are getting this. Hold on. I'm going to skip through some of this golden nugget number four external peanut gallery. How many of you guys type one in the chat? If you think other people are going to judge you for whatever you do?

Speaker 4 (00:39:36) - Right?

Sarah Milken (00:39:37) - I know.

Sarah Milken (00:39:39) - I'm like, everyone was like, You have an Instagram account. You've never even had Instagram before. I thought you hated social media. And I'm like, Yeah, I did hate social media, but guess what? I changed my fucking mind. You're allowed to change your mind. I knew I needed social media to push a podcast. I can't. I can't advertise for a podcast all alone in a house that doesn't work. You got to do what you got to do. And I needed an Instagram account to promote the podcast. How do you promote a podcast? You get people there, you create a conversation. It's uncomfortable. People are like, Oh my God, Like, But guess what? The external peanut gallery cares less about you than you think. Everyone has so much to think about on their own plates. Jen, Julie. Heather, Do you have time in your day to think about what I'm doing? No. No, you don't. Because you're worried about what you're doing. We blow this whole thing up in our heads like we did in high school with teenagers about what other people are thinking of us.

Sarah Milken (00:40:51) - Most people don't have time for that. And guess what? Who the fuck cares? Because guess what? You're the one doing the thing and they're not. And you need to stay true to you and what feels good for you. This leads me to Golden Nugget number five, which is one of my favorites, and I think it'll help you. This. Text keeps coming up. Hold on. I got to get this off my face. Okay. Golden nugget number five. What would you do if no one was watching? Type one in the chat. If you have an idea of something that you would do if you knew, no one could see it and no one could judge it and no one could give you a grade. No one could tell you how many likes you had on a post. All of those things. A lot of you. Yeah. I told you, my friend Melissa yesterday started an Instagram account for, like, fashion and styling, and she said that was the one thing that I've said in the last three years that took her from not having an Instagram account to creating a fashion Instagram account is she said, I'm not doing this because other people are watching me and that's on a good enough reason.

Sarah Milken (00:42:12) - And she just fucking did it. And believe me, yesterday she said to me, she's like, Oh my God, this is so hard. Sometimes I just want to, like, crawl into a hole and die. It feels really hard. And I'm like, I'm doing day three of my workshop tomorrow. I want to crawl into a hole and die. This feels really hard. I've never fucking done this before. And she was like, I know it's all hard. Change requires things that are hard. We all have hard shit. I feel like I'm like Glennon Doyle, right? Oh, my God. So we're talking about fucking fear. There was a researcher article that came out asking older women what advice they would give to their younger selves. Okay, so listen to this. They said I wouldn't create a to do list. I created Don't do list. And I was like, That's kind of cool. It's sort of like during the pandemic, I was posting this thing called like the bucket bucket.

Sarah Milken (00:43:06) - Like, what would you put in your bucket bucket? Of course, that's like the Sarah version of the don't do list. It has to have, like, bad language. Um, do you guys have anything? Type of. Yes. In the chat, if there were things that you would throw into your bucket, we don't have to get into what they are, but type A yes if you feel like you have a bucket bucket items. That's the best part of midlife, is that we get to say, Fuck that, fuck that. The fuck that I have more time. I'm not spending as much time managing my kids and I have time for this fucking bucket. I love, love, love that. Okay, then along the same lines, one woman, the elderly woman, said, I wish I didn't have to be productive all the time, that it was okay to chill the fuck out and stare into space and do nothing. I will admit I'm. I'm a person who does not feel like they need to be productive all the time.

Sarah Milken (00:44:06) - I know that it doesn't match my personality. And you're like neurotic, crazy, whatever. But let me tell you, there are days, like on a Sunday where my husband's like, You haven't moved in five hours. I do not care. Sometimes I just want to be and I don't judge myself for it. So if you can take a little piece of advice and say that midlife nap. I'm the queen of the midlife nap. Take it and don't feel guilty about it. We have so much time ahead of us. We have to take these little breaks. We can't be going 1000mph all the time. It's just not possible. Be okay with just. You don't even have to meditate while you're chilling out. Just stare. Eat bonbons. I don't care what you do, but you don't have to be doing something all the time. And you should see my workout routine this week is like zero. But again, this week is shitty. Next week will be better. We can't always have to be doing something and something has to give a lot of the time.

Sarah Milken (00:45:13) - Okay, you guys. 300 women signed up for this workshop. There are not 300 women on the zoom. A zillion people had worked this that, a million things. And they're all watching the replays because I can see who's watching the replays. There is not a Google template that's like, this is how you do a three day workshop for midlife women who want to feel connected and want to find the next thing for themselves. No, there was not a template. I had a fucking create it myself. I was like, How am I going to create an intimate space where we can create spark, we can create connection. And so I just did it. I did it messy. I did it for you. I did it for me. I didn't do anything other than being a mom, really, for the last 19 years. Actually, that's not true. 16 because I've been doing this podcast for three so you can see I'm really not that good at math. Yesterday I told you about my perfectionism thing and how I realized and learned from experts that it's better just to do it than to wait until you're ready, because ready is never.

Sarah Milken (00:46:21) - This is our time, guys. I'm 48. I'm turning 49in February. Some of you might be 40, some of you might be 50. Some of you might be 68. But wherever you are in that time spectrum, it's midlife. This is a time for us to be midlife obsessed with ourselves. It's not narcissistic. It's necessary. Nobody is going to create change except for you. And I'm going to just keep saying that over and over again. I know I'm three minutes to 11, but that's okay, because if you can hang, you'll stay. My oldest graduated from high school in the spring. I just dropped him off at college. I just got a video of him with no shirt on dancing around. I don't even know where the fuck he was. Oh, my God. I'm still thinking about that. But you're here, which means you're all interested in me. My podcast, my Instagram, my midlife baby shower experience. Many of you guys sign up for this workshop. We're all wanting something.

Sarah Milken (00:47:18) - We're all craving something. We don't know exactly what it is, but it's something. And it's something that feels like this where you feel seen. You feel, you feel heard. You all, many of you guys shared at the beginning of why you're here. And most of the reason of why you're here is the people. It's very hard to find like minded people who are self-selected, who want to be somewhere, who would sign up for a workshop and actually fucking show up. It takes extra work to show up here. I want you to type a one in the chat if you're ready to get uncomfortable for midlife change as I slurp down my salted water. Look, you guys, you all answered correctly. Just kidding. Okay? So if you have five extra minutes, here we go. Have something super special to tell you about. This past summer, I had my first live event at my home on June 24th. The midlife baby shower experience. I'm sure you guys saw photos and videos where this is a place where midlife women and me, another self-selected group.

Sarah Milken (00:48:29) - We created an intimate space for midlife magic. And it wasn't like the magic was just because there was an amazing chef and gorgeous decor. It was because of the conversation amongst the women. Every single woman who was there messaged me or told me in person that the best part of that day was the midlife brunch table. I curated a deck of topics. I passed them around. I let everyone pick the topics they wanted, that the topic they wanted, and then that person would share what they felt about it. Then other people chimed in. I curated, summarized the conversation, and everyone's takeaway from that day was like, Holy fuck, That was the best part of the day. Susanna, are you still on here? No, you're not. Okay, because she was there that day and I wanted her to comment on it. Okay. So I wrote out all these topics. Everyone was like, Oh my God, I love all of these. We. Which one should I pick? They were things like feeling invisible, feeling less relevant, wanting more mid-life friends, wanting to feel connected to other like vibe women feeling seen and heard, knowing we're not alone.

Sarah Milken (00:49:45) - Itching for something new. Empty nest and all that goes with that. Aging parents perimenopause, menopause, leaning into hard things that we've been resisting doing new and scary things, opening up to less perfection and more messy needing new hobbies. My husband has 700 and I have none. The list goes on and on. We've lightly explored many of these topics over the past few days, but there's so much more work and information in there. When I offered my live event this summer, I got 490 DMS from women, I don't know, 490 people, but I got 490 DMS from women saying I can't do that date. It's too expensive to fly to LA. Can you do this online? I was like, How do I like take this whole day and all this magic and do it online? But guess what, guys, don't tell me I can't do something because I'm going to fucking do it. So you asked. I listened. I spent all summer even while dropping off a kit at college for the first time, sweating my balls off in Philadelphia, and I created the details for this three day workshop and an online virtual experience.

Sarah Milken (00:50:59) - You asked. I listened. It's called the Midlife Remix Table Experience. It's exactly how it sounds. You meet a bunch of like, vibe women we're going to gather each week just like this in a two hour zoom Intimate, intimate conversation, reflections and personal work on all of these midlife topics. Imagine being around a beautiful metaphorical virtual table and looking around and thinking, This is my fucking vibe. These are my people and I belong here. Each week we're going to gather expert nuggets and I'm going to bring in experts like all the people you listen to on my podcast, to come in and do one on one sessions with us. Deep conversations, questions and answers. A life coach, an intermittent fasting specialist, a midlife nutritionist, a human design specialist, a meditation coach, a female writing coach, all of the expert things that you guys have loved about my podcast, they're all going to be with us in those two hour sessions. Not every single time, but it's going to be all laid out.

Sarah Milken (00:52:08) - You will have access to the same people that I interviewed for my podcast. The Midlife Remix Table experience will create, curate and live out our cravings for new midlife friends and connections and real research. You guys see that? I do the work, I do the research, I see what's really working and what's out there, who is this midlife remix for? It's for you and me. It's for burnt out, bored midlife women wanting more spark and novelty personal connection with new and liked vibe friends, deep reflection and action, step accountability, and of course, midlife self reinvention strategies. I want you to picture yourself sitting with me like we have for the last three days, getting into midlife strategies that have really worked, trying new things, being scared and doing it anyway, feeling like you have a group, feeling like you have accountability, feeling like you've had this kind of like shift in mind, in mindset. Like, could I do this a little messy? Could I be really imperfect? Does this sound like you? Because I feel like it's.

Sarah Milken (00:53:25) - It sounds like me. I want you to think I'm. I'm sort of predicting what your doubts are. Okay. Doubt number one. I've never put myself first. How can I invest money and time and myself and my personal midlife growth journey and make new friends? I totally get it. Spending money is hard. But guess what? When you invest in something, you're telling your brain and it's fucking important to you when it's free, you guys are special because you came to a free event even though you didn't pay for it. But most people only show up if they fucking paid for something. And that's the truth. So you guys are already unique because you got something for free and you came anyway. Okay, so if you have that doubt number one of I never put myself first, the answer is self responsibility. If you don't do it for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. Your husband or spouse or partner is not going to be like, Oh, I had this great idea.

Sarah Milken (00:54:26) - I think you should sign up for this eight week mid-life remix table experience. That shit is not happening. It's going to be you. Doubt number two I need.

Speaker 2 (00:54:35) - A huge.

Sarah Milken (00:54:36) - Self-care budget to make my own reservation at Sarah's midlife remix table. Nope, not true. I'm not saying it's free, but it's not this crazy ass budget. If you think of it over the eight weeks, the answer is you don't need 17 life coaches. I had one. You don't need nine online courses. I've done those two and you don't need pre-recorded webinars that you're never, ever, ever going to fucking watch because I've done that too. But you can join this small group like we've done for the last three days. It's going to be just like this for eight weeks. Doubt number three What if I don't bring enough to the table? Let me just tell you. That's a bunch of bullshit. Because I will tell you, the women who showed up at my live event. Some of the women were like executives, like big time executives.

Sarah Milken (00:55:30) - And some of the women were like me. They were stay at home moms and we all sort of felt like, oh, how are we going to, like, connect? Let me just tell you, every single person who was there will tell you none of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were like via midlife women wanting to be in a special, intimate place and wanting to create change for us and wanting to take like the driver's seat in our own fucking lives and rewrite our own narratives. That is the only thing that matters. We have to flip that script and say we are enough, authentically as we are. You don't have to bring anything special to the table. You don't have to have a degree. You don't have to Nothing. The special sauce is you and you get to join as you are, As I said, executive, non executive. None of that mattered. I did this at my house and it worked like magic. And I know it works and I have taken this and broken it down into an eight week experience.

Sarah Milken (00:56:34) - If you sign up soon, especially because you're here, you will get 30% off the original price. You will become a founding member, so your name will always be on the member wall for all the future times. And you will be the founding members of the Midlife Remix table experience. You'll be my beta testing group. You'll get to give me all the feedback of what I did great and what I could do better. You're going to have lifetime access to all the recordings of the sessions. They're going to be live sessions. You're not going to watch me prerecorded. And then you're like, This is so fucking boring. Why am I watching this? There's going to be a private Facebook group for all the members, just like you guys have seen over the last three days. There's going to be a group chat. I haven't figured out how to do that because this other group is smaller than 20, so it works fine for a group chat. But Nicole is going to figure out how we're going to do a group chat where we can kind of talk on the daily.

Sarah Milken (00:57:36) - So there's accountability. We're going to have sessions with real midlife experts. All the people that you hear on my podcast are going to come and talk to us privately and personally. You'll be able to ask them all your own questions. It's a curated experience inviting you to my midlife table. I have a bunch of seats at my midlife table for like five women who are wanting more. I want you to make a reservation. We're all itchy for something new. It's about having something that's our own. Having this podcast, having this platform, having all of you has been transformative for me. Truly, truly transformative. I know what it feels like to be itchy all over. Itchy. Itchy. Itchy. I had to find something that brought me a little bit of energy. Made me feel a little bit scared or a lot scared. And finding this podcast in this community has done this for me, and I know so many of you guys have all of these things that you're itchy for, and even if you don't already have an idea of what's next for you, this is an opportunity for us to find it all together.

Sarah Milken (00:58:48) - I've created this beautiful spark of energy for myself and hopefully for all of you guys. I want to sort of present a golden ticket and say, Hey you guys, let's jump out of the midlife waiting room together. We've been talking. Tuesday, Wednesday, today's Thursday. I want you to make a reservation at my midlife remix table. I have no idea if I'm going to do this again. This is the first time I've ever done it. So if it's on your mind, don't be like, Oh, I'll just wait till next time because I don't know. I don't know if there's a next time because everything I do is new and I have to try things out and see how they feel, see how they feel. For me, it's really about creating a safe, creative, beautiful space where we can all be authentically ourselves and create change for us. So if you're interested in this golden ticket, please make a reservation soon. Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listen to this episode that I pulled from day three of my free workshop called It's Time to Talk.

Sarah Milken (00:59:51) - Midlife Day three was basically fake fear in real strategies. I wanted to summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listen to a long episode, I'm like, Oh my God, I love that. But then I can't even fucking remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode, we dig deep with our golden shovels in a conversation about embracing fear, silencing the peanut gallery and our inner mean girl bitch and really doing you in midlife golden nugget. Number one perfectionism is no longer an excuse. Yep, you heard me right. Perfectionism. Perfectionism is no longer something we are participating in. In midlife. I'm definitely guilty of saying, Oh, it's not ready yet. It's not perfect yet. I'll get to that part tomorrow. I know we rationalize it in our minds, but it's not an excuse anymore. We are in an era where people want to see real people doing real shit. We're past the days of super polished perfection.

Sarah Milken (01:00:58) - Real shit is relatable, so don't be afraid to show up as who you are and a quick midlife PSA. You are never going to feel ready and nothing is ever going to be perfect. So just fucking get over it and do it. Just start. Show up for yourself. Figure it out on the way. Grow as you go, Learn on the go, and just embrace the fact that perfect is impossible and it's holding you back. Golden nugget number two It's fucking hard to be a beginner. Okay, let's just say it how it is. Being a beginner is hard. It's uncomfortable. It brings up doubts and no one knows what they're doing. At first I had no idea how to even use Google Drive when I started this podcast. I'm like, okay, how am I supposed to run a whole podcast? Starting from scratch is really intimidating. Like zero followers, zero listeners. I don't know how to use Google Drive. I've never done social media before. I'm a total social media virgin.

Sarah Milken (01:01:58) - I was brand new to everything. But let me tell you this little secret. Everyone is a beginner at some point and it's something we all have to work through. It's not something that we can, quote, buy our way out of, skip or be saved from. It's part of the fucking process. But that doesn't mean that we can't be confident. It just means that we have to be willing to get our hands dirty and say things like, Fuck it, I'm just learning on the go. I don't know everything. My advice to you during this beginning phase of anything is to be willing to start small, start posting the Instagram posts, start writing the fucking blog, start researching your idea, whatever your thing is. Just start in the ways that can get you going. You know that confidence is a muscle. You got to work it one small thing and then the next thing feels good to it doesn't need to be 0 to 114 seconds, go from 0 to 20 and then 20 to 40, you will learn things on the way, learning on the go.

Sarah Milken (01:03:00) - That's important. Golden Nugget number three Your inner bitch mean girl is mean. I don't have to tell you. Okay? The inner mean girl is the voice in our head saying we aren't good enough. You're not young enough, you're not worthy enough. The list goes on and on. It's the voice that fuels the need for. Perfectionism and stops us before we can even start. So like, what do we do about that inner mean girl voice? We keep moving. This was my thought. Okay? And I talked about this in the episode as well. So, you know, when you're in a supermarket and you see someone you know and you're like, Fuck, I really don't want to say hi to that person. So you kind of like skirt your eyes away, you don't make eye contact and you're like, I'm just going to ignore that. I'm just going to ignore that. But you can't really wait. Okay, wait. I have to stop. You say to yourself, I'm just going to ignore that.

Sarah Milken (01:03:57) - So what I'm saying to you with your inner mean girl, treat her like someone you were ignoring in the supermarket. Don't make eye contact with your inner bitch. Don't listen. Acknowledge in the back of your mind. Yes, I hear her. I see her. But I'm going to keep fucking moving. I hope that makes sense. Because the women who were on the workshop were like, Oh my God, that fucking made sense. But guess what? If you don't do it, no one else is going to do it for you. And the truth is, you will never know how good something can be until you try. I had no idea that anyone would come to my midlife baby shower when I posted about it. And guess what? It turned out to be my first ever live event and created such an amazing community that we are still talking and we're always expanding. If I had never posted about this idea, I would have never known if I could do it or not, or if it was even going to be a cool thing.

Sarah Milken (01:04:51) - If I had listened to my inner bitch saying that it was weird or annoying or no one's going to pay, it would have never come to life. Don't let your inner mean girl bitch run your show. Golden Nugget number four The external peanut gallery cares less about you than you think. We all have one. It could be friends. It could be your kids. It could be your Instagram followers. It could be carpool moms. The external peanut gallery can be anyone outside of you. Yes, they might have opinions, but the truth is, is that they care less about you than you think. Let's be real. Everyone has so much to think about and so much shit to do on a daily basis. Everyone has so much on their plates and worrying about their own plans, their own goals and their own fears. And at the end of the day, you are the one who's doing the thing, not them. So always make sure to stay true to who you are and what feels good for you.

Sarah Milken (01:05:49) - Golden Nugget number five What would you do if no one was watching? This is one of my personal favorites to think about. Like, ask yourself, what would you do if no one could see or judge you? What would you do for the pure enjoyment of it? Is it a fashion and styling Instagram account, a cooking YouTube? Or maybe you would relax more if you didn't feel the need to be productive all the time. Maybe you would stay in your pajamas for half the day without having anyone to comment on it. I don't even know. The possibilities are endless. Thinking of it in this way allows us to explore these possibilities. This is the best part about midlife. We get to say, Fuck that, that's not for me. And remember, change requires things that are fucking hard and annoying. You probably will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you explore what feels right, the better you will feel. Okay. I already talked about my online eight week course. The signup is done in two days.

Sarah Milken (01:06:49) - Go to my website. What the flexible neurotic. The banner is running across the top. You can also go to my Instagram and it's the first thing in my linktree the other things the gold is dripping off these nuggets. Grab it, use it if you want some more things to do other than sign up for my course. You can subscribe to my podcast, share it with friends or write a fucking Apple Review because guess what? It's really fucking helpful. DM me, You know, I always respond, Oh, and of course follow my Instagram at the flexible neurotic Duh. Okay, sign up for my course. I'll see you on the inside. Love you talk to.