Half Empty Nest, Now What?

Sarah Milken (00:00:04) - Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible, Neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago. Like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, Was this it for me? That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi peeps. Welcome back to the flexible, neurotic podcast. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, also known as the flexible neurotic. Okay, you guys, today is a quick mini sode basically called empty nest or half empty nest. What the fuck? Now I'm going to dive into this quick mini. So on my half empty nest experience with first Born Teen Son, that basically just happened by the time you're listening to this about a week and a half ago.

Sarah Milken (00:01:15) - But before I start, I want to tell you about a cool new online brand new online experience that I have announced on Instagram and my newsletter. At least I hope I have by the time this comes out. Like I said, it's Labor Day weekend. My brain is fucking jello and I'm praying that all the stars have aligned and everything that needs to happen for this three day workshop has fucking happened. I'm hosting the three day live workshop. It's called Let's Talk Midlife. Oh my God. Think of all the fucking things that we can talk about. It starts on September 18th, 19th and 20th on Zoom with me one hour each day, and then we have an after party in our special VIP Facebook group. And you guys know, I am so not a Facebook person, but I actually created a unique VIP group space, a Facebook page for this workshop so that we can hang out after the zoom, we can talk about the homework, we can chatter, we can reflect, and we could talk midlife shit.

Sarah Milken (00:02:22) - So if you are a midlife woman looking for meaning, purpose, connection and relevance, this is for fucking you. If you're a midlife mom that has kids that are getting ready to basically fly the nest, this is for you too. Or maybe all your kids have flown the nest. Or maybe you're like me and you're a half empty nester or you're an empty nester already, or you have some coming and some going and who knows what. Are you ready to tap into new sources of inspiration and take on the next chapter of your life? Midlife With a renewed sense of energy in midlife Sass I am because I feel like a bowl of fucking jello. Then this is the workshop for you. Okay, you guys, quickly. I'm going to go through day one, day two and day three, and then we're going to dive into empty nest. What the fuck? Now day one of the workshop is called Kids are Leaving Now. What? Day two. What's next for me? Day three. Fuck fear.

Sarah Milken (00:03:25) - Each day we will have this private zoom call. Like I said, it's a zoom call experience where we get into all of these topics with this new midlife chapter. As we know also comes an opportunity to reinvent our own midlife tables. Like who literally gets to sit and metaphorically sit at our midlife tables if we're on Zoom, you guys, if you join my free three day midlife workshop, we're going to be together for three days. If you go to WW w the flexible neurotic.com/free workshop, you can sign up for it and you will get the zoom link and then you can sign up for the VIP Facebook group. Okay. So one woman from my in-person event, I got so many messages from the women who came to my in-person event. One of them I selected to read quickly here. This was such a magical experience, she said. I'm still on a high from it all. Sarah is one of the kindest souls, and she radiates love, compassion and all the things that we all crave. Women are craving this type of experience, this sisterhood, these connections, this intimate, tribal way of being.

Sarah Milken (00:04:44) - Sarah saw that she heard it and decided to go for it. If you're on the fence, I would just say yes to yourself. You won't regret it, end quote. Okay, you guys, you can tell from that woman's message her name is Jackie how much she enjoyed the. And with me and the other women who are part of the group, this is what we're basically simulating in the three day workshop. So if you want to be part of this, let's talk midlife free workshop again. Go to w w w the flexible neurotic.com/free workshop. Okay, let's get into the empty nest shed because it's been a lot. So I do have to say that the emptiness, the first born drop off was really fucking hard. It's not for the faint of heart, believe me. But I will say that it ended up being a little bit different than I had expected. I really thought that I was going to be like a crying, sobbing mess. But instead something different happened and I want to get into it and tell you about it.

Sarah Milken (00:05:52) - Okay. So like I said, I thought I was going to be a puddle of tears, but I wasn't. I mean, here and there. And basically we all went into hyperdrive of planning and unpacking and Amazon shit and boxes and all the stuff. Well, I thought I was going to be absolutely hysterical looking back on it with fresh eyes kind of ten days out. I really think that this whole dropping teen son firstborn off at college has been kind of a four step grieving process. I know that sounds extreme, but it's not for the faint of heart, this whole journey, believe me, you can be the strongest person in the fucking world. But when you drop off a kid at college, part of you gets left behind, literally and metaphorically. I think this whole half empty nest saga in the four stages has helped me sort of think about it in chunks. It's kind of like a grief journey or a major change journey, if you want to call it that. So for me, my first stage of this was more denial, not like I have no idea what's happening.

Sarah Milken (00:07:03) - And is he really leaving? I don't think so. And I haven't disassociated from my brain and body, but like wondering in my mind, like what the fuck? How do I have a kid who's old enough to graduate from high school and now I'm dropping him off in Philadelphia and saying goodbye? And if you've been following or listening to me for a bit, you might have heard or seen me talking about Teen Son's whole senior year of high school. I called this the Year of Lasts. Yes, lasts the year of lasts that I talked about on one of my last episodes. The last baseball game, my last bringing of the forgotten baseball pants to school, his last prom. So many last things for me. But I will say that the year of last, although it could sound really dark and somber, it was actually a really helpful strategy for me because it forced me to stop and savor each moment as busy moms and people. It's easy to miss these moments. We're racing, we forgot something.

Sarah Milken (00:08:06) - We have to pick up the cookies or make the cookies or do whatever, and sometimes we actually miss the moments. So if you haven't done a year of class for a kid who's just finished high school, then perhaps you want to go back and do it. You really can. I promise if you go back into your camera roll for your kids last year of high school, pick like 10 or 15 things, save them in a folder and call it the year of class. And like once in a while, just scroll through them. I will say that I have my own little booklet folder virtual folder on my phone of this book of this year of Loss of Teen Son. And I look at it so much. It was like the last time all his friends came to our house. The last time they had a pool party last time, you know, they had a barbecue and made a fucking mess or the pizza party that they had because they learned or they thought they learned how to make pizza when they were in Florence this summer for their post-high school graduation trip.

Sarah Milken (00:09:09) - I mean, look, there's always going to be something that's last and it can feel really sad. If you can take it, savor it and turn it into a memory, then it's something that we always have. So if you haven't done it, go back and do it now, because I found it really therapeutic for me to have it. Okay. As it ordered items for Jake's dorm room, I think I was like still in the denial phase of Yes, this is of course fucking happening. I know it's happening, but I'm not hysterical yet. And I continue to really savor the random conversations. Teen Son And I would have, you know, kind of as perhaps some of our last private chit chats in our home pre college. He invited me to his. Room while he pulled out the clothes and he wanted to take he was figuring out like how many hoodies should he bring? And I was like, Jake, it's 80,000 fucking degrees. And he's like, Yeah, but are you going to send me this hoodie, this hoodie and this hoodie when the weather changes? And I was just like, Oh my God.

Sarah Milken (00:10:17) - Then we got under discussion about vacuum sealing. And then finally I convinced him that we needed to vacuum, seal the clothes so that we could actually fit more bedding and clothing into the bags. Look, it was all kind of heartbreaking and sad, but I wasn't like on the floor, like dying. Yet the bags got packed up for shipping. There were like six humongous duffel bags and the bags have been piled up for two days in front of the door. You couldn't miss them bags, bags, bags there for two days. So I sort of felt comforted knowing that they were still there. Then one day I came home because the luggage service had come. I think it's called luggage forward or something. And they were gone, like gone, Gone. Instagram Husband. As you guys know, I affectionately call my husband Instagram husband because he hates Instagram and I like to make fun of him. He had planned the shipping of the bags so that again was not in my arena. We sort of split up different types of tasks.

Sarah Milken (00:11:18) - This is like Sarah's task. These are Jeremy's tasks. So I saw that the bags were gone and it made me think of like, you know, when you go to camp and there's that I'm leaving on a jet plane, my bags are packed and I'm ready to go. And tears did come to my eyes. A tear streamed down my face and I was like, wow, this is really happening. I walked up the stairs to my room. I was like, I can't cry in front of other people right now. I'm busy. I have shit to do. And I kind of went back into my like, first stage of denial again. So I'm assembling my famous medicine bag, making sure that there's, you know, Pepto and Tums and Motrin and a thermometer and all the crazy shit that you guys know go into my famous medicine bags. I was running errands, picking up Last-Minute things. And then suddenly we were boarding the plane to Philadelphia. It was actually fun because Teen Daughter was with us and it kind of felt like more like a family trip rather than we were dropping our first kid off at college because it was the four of us.

Sarah Milken (00:12:24) - And I kind of felt like our college trip. We did two spring breaks ago, just the four of us. And if you've been around long enough, you've probably seen those crazy Instagram highlight reels of all the stories from that two week trip. Oh my God, that was fucking funny. Really hard. And oh my God. There's just no words for that trip. We actually got great information from the two week college tour, but that was a lot of luggage, a lot of like airport changes, hotels. I'm kind of happy We did a lot of the main schools and Teen Daughter came because I really don't want to do that kind of trip again. Okay, So the trip really kind of felt like a family trip at first. I mean, of course, until we came home, there were only three of us boarding the plane. So I think I was still on that denial stage. It was actually kind of interesting because one of my Instagram followers had messaged me and said that her husband was so used to booking round trip tickets for everyone in their family that he even did it for the kid, that they had just dropped off at college.

Sarah Milken (00:13:30) - And then when the dad realized that he had done that, he broke into tears. Oh, again, moving a kid to college is not for the faint of heart. After we landed, we had a late dinner and I wanted to face plant into my food because of course, I didn't fucking sleep the night before we left. Why would I? My kids going off to college. Okay, so let me get into it a bit. First of all, I am so thankful for my husband being there with me. I know that some people are single or divorced or widowed or have a partner who couldn't come for whatever reason. I had some friends in that boat too. It definitely complicates the situation. I just knew for me I couldn't handle it alone. But it's also what we're accustomed to. I'm accustomed to having him as a sidekick for major things. Maybe it's my co-dependence or the fact that I can't build Ikea furniture for like ever. Like you literally have to be an engineer to do that.

Sarah Milken (00:14:28) - Okay, keep listening. My being alone part kind of happened after the drop off. Keep listening. So we walked around Philadelphia the next day trying to pass the time. I was trying to get rid of my free floating anxiety. Of course I was sweating. It wasn't as human as I thought it was going to be, thank God. And we got some last minute things and then someone had clued us in that we could drop into the dorm the day before the actual move-in date. So we of course zipped up there. We had not planned on that. We popped in at five. It was kind of nice to get a preview of what we had ahead of us the next day. It also gave me some anxiety, some more anxiety at this point. What wouldn't give me anxiety. Okay. So the next day it all kicked in. The tornado of shit. It was like clothing, dust, fans, more dust like unbelievable. We took things out of the duffel bags and Instagram husband was making comments like, Why did you buy this? Why did you buy that? And why did you have to buy ten of these? And I was like, Can we not do fucking side by side commentary on every single thing I bought? I didn't see you buying mounting tape and all sorts of fucking minutia and like putting together Amazon cards of, like, teeny tiny things.

Sarah Milken (00:15:47) - I mean, look, he can build Ikea furniture, but someone has to be responsible for the Sharpie pen, right? The shower caddy, the shower shoes and the tray that could hold those wet and nasty items. Because if you know Teen Son, he would probably just let it drip all over the floor. Okay, so then Instagram husband and teen son went to Ikea. I skipped that fucking trip. I hadn't been there since I stopped breastfeeding. Teen Son. It's so weird that I even remember that. I just remember having bound my boobs with two sports bras to stop the production of milk, and I was in so much pain walking around Ikea, I was like, I am not going to Ikea to buy like drawers or whatever the fuck you're doing. Okay, So they came back, they built random drawer sets. We were there until like 9:00 at night. We eat dinner at 10 p.m.. Fine, whatever. We're totally exhausted. But you do have to be a fucking engineer to build Ikea.

Sarah Milken (00:16:43) - They got it done because Teen son and Instagram husband are very like, technical. The drill, the whole thing. I would have never been able to use the power drill and read engineering instructions, but I also never want to sew and I've never had to because there's always Instagram husband to do that shit. But who knows, maybe I could if I absolutely had to. Who knows? I'll just stick with where can the fucking shower caddy go? And we also got lucky. I have to say that there was AC in the dorm room. It's as loud as a freight train. But who gives a shit? I'm not sleeping there. And at least I wasn't pouring sweat. Oh, but I will tell you that I am allergic to mosquitoes. And I was full on attacked by them on my first and second days there. Oh, my God. Giant golf balls on my ankles. And they were swollen and crazy and itchy and stupid. Oh, my God. I have to say, looking back on the whole thing, something shifted.

Sarah Milken (00:17:43) - Like something shifted in the way that I had envisioned myself being on this trip. Like I said earlier, I thought I was going to be a crying wreck the whole time. I think the denial and unpacking mode. And did I mention that Teen Son was on the ground floor of the dorm and the windows were covered in sprinkler stains so you could barely see out the windows. So I sent Teen Daughter to buy the Windex, the extra long squeegee that had like the extension, like pole on it. She was really fucking psyched, by the way. Oh. And she was tasked with putting the air filter and fan together. Of course, I thought I was a badass and I started the window cleaning project from the outside of the windows with many people staring at me, kind of laughing like, who is this like person cleaning the windows here? And then, of course, Teen Son's roommate's dad had to come out and do the high corners because my five foot two stature was just not tall enough, even with the extension to get the corners.

Sarah Milken (00:18:44) - Okay, back to the thing that shifted inside of me. I think seeing Jake so seemingly confident and happy with the kids he was meeting throughout the couple days that we had been there made me feel like I knew he had thought that he had made a good choice. When I asked him about it, he said, Of course I'm nervous, but I don't think I'm scared. Like I'm ready for the next stage. Like I'm going to miss my friends at home. And I was like, me? And he was like, Well, I guess, but mostly my friends. And of course that felt like a dagger to my chest. But at least he was honest. Yet as a parent, it made me feel more stable, like he can really do this, he's ready for this. Kids always think they know where they want to go to school, and sometimes they show up and something happens or they get weird vibes and then they start thinking, What the fuck? I made a mistake. And I've had friends with kids who, you know, are in tears.

Sarah Milken (00:19:39) - So I was really happy and relieved about that because that would have taken me down to the floor. I felt confident that he was feeling okay. Okay, I belong here. Having a kid unhappy at any school, high school, elementary, middle school or college is the worst fucking feeling in the world. We had one of. Those experiences in elementary school. So I know firsthand how yucky that feels. So part of my second step to the next phase of this grief slash change journey was to what I'm calling partial acceptance. I can't just call it acceptance because it's really hard to just say I've accepted the fact that Teen Son has moved away and I'm going to be fine. No, I define this as knowing that teen son believed he was going to be okay so I could move to partially accepting this as happening. And I was moving out of stage one, which was basically total denial, like, this isn't happening, or I'm totally disassociated from this even happening. So to the parents and kids who don't have some of those early clues in the drop off experience that your kid can relate to, some of the kids there or feels comfortable, that can be really fucking hard and you really have to think about your words carefully.

Sarah Milken (00:21:02) - I've had some friends who've really thought carefully of the words that they're going to say to their kids like, This is not goodbye. This is until we see you again. ET cetera. ET cetera. I didn't have to get into that with Teen Son because I felt like he he was okay. Maybe I wasn't okay. And like I said, elementary school felt like that for us. So I knew that feeling so well. I think that because Jake is also a naturally very independent kid, a problem solver kind of kid, I kind of knew that if things came up, he would be able to manage them. Not saying he wants to, but like at the end of the day, he could. And that made me really comfortable. He had been to sleepaway camp for seven weeks. Several summers he had gone to Europe with like 8 or 10 friends for three weeks over the summer. I did not hear from him every day or even every two days. I kind of just kept track of him on life 360 and locations, and I just had to believe that he was going to be okay.

Sarah Milken (00:22:03) - Otherwise I would have had a nervous breakdown. I think had he regretted the choice of schools or felt unhappy about something, I would have been on the floor, like I said. So one of the other stages of this grief slash change process is self pity. Some people experience that before the partial acceptance stage. Why me? Why now? Who the fuck am I now without my kid in the house? And like, what do I do with myself if I'm not part of everyday micromanagement? Like, hashtag, Is this really fucking happening? And I'm not going to be able to change this. I didn't get to self pity until two days after I got home. Okay, you guys, I'm getting to that. I do need to mention that teen son met his roommate at the summer program of the same college the summer before. So he knew him. They were not roommates, but roommates. But they knew each other. And I had met the roommate's mom over the prior year via phone and text, so they didn't feel brand new.

Sarah Milken (00:23:08) - When I finally met them in person, it felt familiar to all of us. So that was obviously really, really helpful. That was on our side and so lucky. And not everyone has that, and I totally understand that. So that was another sort of like, I don't know, point that we had in terms of having it go more smoothly than I imagined. There were all four parents, two college kids, kids and teen sister working all hours of the day and night to get this room done. Did I mention that the bathroom doesn't have AC? Like, no AC That didn't work for me or my hair. And it's basically a single stall with a shower and a toilet. It's not a private bathroom like. You. I guess it's sort of like a private bathroom. It's not just for their room. It's like for the whole hall. But you can lock the door and no one else can come in and someone has to wait outside. There were no toilet seat covers. That doesn't work for me.

Sarah Milken (00:24:08) - And I actually went and bought a box of toilet seat covers for the boys. I have no idea if they're going to fucking use them. I bought a few extra boxes for two girls and other buildings because I know their moms. I mean, honestly, can you imagine as a girl never having a toilet seat cover to manage like all your period business? Like in the middle of the night? Oh, my God. No chance. It sort of became a running joke amongst us. Teen Son probably will deny all of it. I hope he's using them and not struggling with the toilet paper or the gross toilet seat. But again, not my problem. That's his problem now. Okay, So now we're like almost at night five of this trip. I'm calling it a trip. Like it was some kind of, like, fantasy vacation. I need to mention that we stayed for five nights. I know that seems so fucking crazy, but we went from LA to Philadelphia. I didn't want to feel rushed, and I knew that I would need that time with him for for me at least, processing this from denial to actual fucking reality.

Sarah Milken (00:25:12) - So we were supposed to see him the morning of our midday flight. On that last day we were at dinner, but he wasn't at that dinner at the last dinner. That's another interesting thing. I didn't make him come to quote our last dinner because he and a bunch of kids were going out, wanted to go out to dinner together, and I didn't want to be like that mom who was like, no, you have to have dinner with us. I had already seen him for the four days before, so Instagram Husband and I were by ourselves. I get a call from him and he says. Mom, I don't want you to be upset, but I just realized that I have an orientation at 930 tomorrow morning, and my friends and I are going out in 20 minutes. Can you come and say goodbye right now? If you know Jake? That's so fucking Jake. So thankfully, we were, like, done with dinner. I wasn't going to bring home that. My half of the pasta that I didn't eat.

Sarah Milken (00:26:09) - But then I decided, okay, I'm going to his room, I'm going to wrap up the pasta. So I say to the guy, I'm like, Can you do me the biggest favor and wrap it up as quickly as possible? And so then I was able to grab the pasta. Then they didn't have a plastic fork, but then they found a plastic fork because there was no way that teen son was going to go looking for a plastic fork in his piles of shit in his room. Okay, so as many of you guys know, Teen Son and I are pretty close. Like, very close. Although he plays tough guy. Like when we're in person and we're talking like we really share, he can pretty much predict my next move or thought. So our Uber driver arrived in front of the building. I texted Jake. He came out to the sidewalk. I was like, God, that's so weird. I thought we would be going to his room. He said, Mom, let's say goodbye here.

Sarah Milken (00:27:02) - It's easier. And I was like, What? And then I was holding the pasta bag and I handed in my phone to Instagram Husband. I gave Jake a very, very tight and long hug. I don't want to cry right now. And the tears that I had been holding back and my first two stages of this grief process of denial and partial acceptance of like, is this this was actually happening. And I was soon knew I was getting back into another Uber and to drive away and like drive away for a really long time, like, oh my God. And then Jake said, Mom, I love you. And I said, Oh my God, Jake, I'm so proud of you. I'm going to miss you and always be you and always know that you can call me no matter what. You'll never be in trouble if your friends or you ever have an emergency like, you know, I'm your person. You can always call me. Call your dad. I hope you know our home number.

Sarah Milken (00:28:04) - Just kidding. Because I feel like the kids never called the home numbers anymore. And he said, If you need me to come back for fall break, they have like a few days off in October. I will. I squeezed him again. He said, Please don't get makeup on my t shirt. It was a black t shirt. And he didn't feel like having like my tint and moisturizer running down his shoulder again. I told him I loved him. I told them that everyone is new to the college situation in the freshman class and everyone's going to be really excited and nervous. And he knows so deeply how proud we are of him and how deeply we're going to miss him. And then, of course, I let my husband go in for the hug and I had to get a photo. He shed some tears, to which I have to be honest, I was kind of happy about because then I wasn't like the only parent who was crying. We weren't in like a full sob, just kind of like screaming tears down the face.

Sarah Milken (00:29:04) - Teen Son had a few tears and he was like, Mom, I can't, you can't. I cannot do this. And I was like, I totally understand. I gave him one last embrace and we got back into the Uber. He had the bag of pasta in his hands, and then the whole ride back to the hotel. My husband and I were kind of silent, like just looking out the window and crying, boom, poof. A major milestone right here. And right now we got back to the hotel. We were both still stunned. We exchanged some high fives about parenting jobs, perhaps. Well done. And what the fuck was happening? Teen Daughter was not with us because she had gone out to dinner with a friend in Philadelphia that night when she realized that teen son wasn't having dinner with us. She bailed too. And yeah, like I said, we didn't make him have dinner with us. But let me just tell you, not for the faint of heart, you know, it was really hard.

Sarah Milken (00:30:10) - Teen daughter had to say goodbye via phone because we didn't have time to for her because it was already 930 at night for her to go back and say goodbye. And he was already out anyway. And there was no time in the morning because like I said, he was going to orientation. It's just crazy. But I'm so happy that she came on that trip, even though it was a total pain in the ass trip for her because, you know, she is the sibling who's going back to the empty house with her parents attention solely on her. Like, what the fuck? And almost 17 year old girl having to deal with her parents alone. Oh, okay. So let's get to the flight the next day. I wasn't crying like I had imagined. I really thought I would be crying the whole way. I had moved back in my mind and heart to partial denial or stunned stage. I was fucking numb. Like, what is happening? I ended up sitting next to a woman because we all of our seats weren't together, whose daughter had just gone to the same school and we knew each other from before.

Sarah Milken (00:31:12) - And we basically talked for five hours about our kids. And I think looking back on it, that was really sort of like cathartic and helpful. And she probably saved my husband five hours of talking when we got home because we kind of ran through a lot of those feelings. So if you know other women who are going through empty nest or who have been through emptiness reach out to them immediately and have them in your back pocket because no one understands it until they actually fucking do it. So this is the kicker. My husband left the next day for business trip to Dallas. He doesn't travel that much for work, so when he does, I know it's important and he has to. I wanted to yell and scream and cry like, how can you fucking leave me here alone? Processing first kid drop off and leave me with teen daughter who starts 11th grade the next day. Let's just say the next three days were really hard for me. It wasn't like crying hard. I just became like a complete bowl of jello.

Sarah Milken (00:32:16) - How could I meet my podcast deadlines? How could I say anything constructive to Teen Daughter about 11th grade? Those three nights in days felt really long and lonely. I saw a couple of friends. I had a dinner. Her with ten teen daughter. Well, a five minute dinner before she did her math homework. And then she told me that I don't cut apples. Well, and there's not enough symmetry. And my husband used the apple cutter for her apples and all the pieces are the same size. And I was like, oh, so I guess I'm failing Pinterest mom 101. Thank you for sharing Teen Daughter. What was interesting to me, though, is although she blows me off a lot of the time and is quietly obsessed with me at the same time on Orientation day, which was sort of the first day of school, it was like the pre first day school, she said. Just a reminder, I know Jake isn't here, but we still need to do a first day of 11th grade sign.

Sarah Milken (00:33:15) - You know those signs that I make with the Sharpie pen, That's like first day of 11th grade, August 27th, 2023. She's like, We have to do that and take a photo. I literally almost fell over. She hates these days where I make make these signs and I make her take photos. So weird. But guess what? You guessed it. She enjoys the ritual and the habit, and it's our family ritual that that's what we do. So of course, with my midlife fucking brain, I was like, What if I forget? What if I forget? Because I was focusing on the symmetry of the apple the next day because I want to let her sleep an extra five minutes. Otherwise I would have made her cut the fucking apple. So of course I made a note to myself with a post-it note for the kitchen so that I wouldn't forget. Funny thing is, the next day she says in the morning after I asymmetry cut the apple. That's not even a word. When is Dad coming home? It feels like he's been gone for two weeks.

Sarah Milken (00:34:16) - Oh, Heart dagger. I told her it had been three days and three nights and then he would be returning the next day. And she's like, Thank God. What I realized is she basically said to me, like, it feels like he's been gone for two weeks. But I don't know if it was really it felt like he was gone for two weeks. I think having him gone for the three days and three nights right after dropping off teens on and then having Teen Son not there, the house kind of felt empty, but she didn't articulate it that way. But her perception of it was that my husband had been gone for what seemed like two weeks, and she didn't mention Teen Son's absence. But that's what I think was happening. There's less noise, less distraction. She didn't have her brother to yell at. They weren't yelling and yelling at each other to hurry up and get in the car while the other one was seemingly taking fucking forever. So my feeling like a bowl of jello was the whole week my husband finally returned.

Sarah Milken (00:35:18) - And I have to be honest, I was sad, happy and pissed. I promised myself I wouldn't say anything about him having to leave, but of course I couldn't help myself. I really did feel weird and alone after that drop off, even though I was talking to my friends and my parents and all the things like I had created this child with him and he was gone. I was pissed, but I understood it at the same time. I felt like I had been left by myself in Teen Daughter in the throes of starting 11th grade. And it wasn't like boredom. It was like, What the fuck? This feels really uncomfortable. Like, is this my new normal? How am I going to get used to this? This feels weird. Look, I know why some people plan trips right after drop off like some people go to drop off and go straight to a vacation. It's real. Coming home is really fucking weird and empty and there's no fucking way I was going to go near his room.

Sarah Milken (00:36:17) - But then of course, I see his keys on the kitchen counter. Three packages had come for him and my signs on the front door and garage door for his friend crew that basically say, Do not slam the door on your way out. At one point 1 a.m. were still there. It was like a teen son memory scavenger hunt. In some ways it was heartwarming and like, oh my God. But in other ways it was still really fucking hard. And on one of the days the tennis match was on TV and I was walking down the stairs and I knew it wasn't my husband's voice. And for a second I thought it was Teen Son's voice. And then I remembered that he wasn't even there. It just felt so weird. And I don't know. I will say, though, that like with my husband, seeing him shed some tears while we were doing the drop off after he had been so well put together and compartmentalize like a fucking robot all the way from high school graduation through the i-kea Ikea building of furniture.

Sarah Milken (00:37:25) - Like he was starting to feel the feels like that first night that we were home. And he kept saying, It's so weird that he's not here. It's so weird that he's not here. How do we have a kid old enough to be in college? How? I hope we did everything to the best of our abilities of parents. It was so real. And then Instagram husband left for the business trip and I felt slightly alone, like a bowl. It's actually a pile of jello. Wasn't even a bowl of jello, a pile of jello with no jello form. Like not even like the jello bundt cake metal thing. I was like loose jello floating all over a flat plate with no congealed form at all. The funny thing is that many other moms dropping off kids DM me after I said that on Instagram about the jello shit and they were like, Oh my God, I feel like that too. So I knew I wasn't alone. I was like smooshy unformed, not knowing whether to cry, to run, to eat a cake like nothing was helping.

Sarah Milken (00:38:29) - One mom of a girl who was dropping off her second daughter for the first time said she felt like she had just been dropped from the VIP group chat. I laughed and commiserated. As a mom of a boy, you never make the VIP group chat asking about whether you should wear this dress or that one you get. Is there a food for dinner or should I pick up a pokeball or I forgot my baseball pants. Can you grab them or did this one esoteric item come from Amazon and could I scour the fucking house for it? I never felt like I was part of the VIP group chat, like the like the immediate friend chat. I was a little more of like the nagging mom teen son. And I, like I said, do most of our deep chats in person. I don't know if it's boys or just him. We don't do deep chat via text. So for me it wasn't like I was instantly dropped or ghosted from the chat, but I could see how this other mom and other moms with girls felt that way.

Sarah Milken (00:39:31) - And another mom of a different girl said she felt like she was missing a limb, like part of her was missing. And I could relate to all of those feelings. But and and I most closely related to the formless, loose, non congealed pile of jello on a flat plate. I could have just gone for a bite of the pre-cooked jello left in my garage fridge for my husband's fucking colonoscopy last year. But instead I was a whole body of free formed gross jello. I will say though, that one of my biggest pieces of advice is don't judge yourself. I didn't judge myself that I was in pajamas till 3 p.m. Most of those three days I wasn't in bed crying. I just felt this need to be home and nest. You know, when you're pregnant and you hit nesting mode. I didn't want to Marie Kondo or reorganize the kitchen or his room. I was working on my podcast in my pajamas with my teeth brushed. I just wanted to sit on the sofa, stare out the window and just feel cozy and comfortable in my own house.

Sarah Milken (00:40:41) - Although it was very quiet, I think I had done one workout in three days after not having worked out for a week. But I didn't care. I didn't judge myself. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings from Postmates. I put two onion rings on the cheeseburger, and I just basically wolf that down. I probably needed the iron from the cheeseburger. I ate frozen yogurt. I might have eaten a bag of pretzels over the three days. But as you know, or at least I think, you know, because I'm experiencing it, too, is that you can check into the sadness or quote UGG Hotel. You just can't stay that long. Like give yourself a few days, but don't stay checked into that sadness hotel for too long because getting out of it could be really, really hard. I think had my husband been home, maybe I wouldn't have felt like I didn't want to move for three days. But who really knows? Like, there's no way to know. He might have annoyed the fuck out of me too.

Sarah Milken (00:41:45) - The good part is that gave me three days to sit in my non-judgmental Jello state and think about how grateful I am to have created my podcast and platform in anticipation of this moment of being happy empty nest. I was also not in the mood to meet any of the deadlines that were in front of me though. But I was so happy that I had something because like I said a million times, I haven't started to play pickleball yet. I haven't started to play mahjong yet, and at least I had something that I could focus on that wasn't related to my kids. Even though I didn't really feel like doing it, it was sort of forced upon me and kept my brain busy. It's a very tough and weird time and don't judge. Yourself. You could not be productive during this time. You have to just kind of grin and bear it and don't judge other women because other women, everyone's experiences it differently, honestly. Like some people are like, Yeah, it's a good time. I'm free now and other people are like disasters and are crying every day and all day long.

Sarah Milken (00:42:51) - And everyone's journey is authentic to the to them and we're all going to handle things differently and we're all going to handle things with spouses or no spouses differently. There's so many dynamics at play here. Siblings, no siblings. All the things, whether you're kids going out of state, is in state close to your house. There's so many different variables that put us all on different playing fields of what the experience is like. But the bottom line to all of the experiences, no matter how different they are, I would say the similarity is the growth on the other side. The other side for me, of this half empty ness journey that I've just started in my life. So, so far I am learning that being a consultant mom instead of a manager, mom or supervisor Mom is my new, new and my forever new role with Teen Son who should probably be called college son. Now that what I think about an outfit that he's wearing is irrelevant. That he will be responding to even fewer desk texts than he did before he left.

Sarah Milken (00:44:03) - Fucking of course. And now he has a new trick up his sleeve where he's turned off the unread the read receipts thing. So if he doesn't feel like talking, he doesn't want me to know that he's seen the text and not responded. So I was like, That's cute. That keeps going on and off on different days, which is kind of hilarious. But I will say he did send a bunch of photos. When I say a bunch, 5 or 6 in the first two days because he knew if he sent me photos, photos are worth a thousand words. They're proof of life and he wouldn't have to engage in 5000 fucking texts with me. Look, you guys, we always tell our kids that there's growth in change and taking risks and doing new things. However, when it comes to ourselves, we're less likely likely to impose those same expectations on ourselves. Sure. Go to the date party with a random person you know nothing about. Join that club that none of your friends are joining.

Sarah Milken (00:45:02) - Then when it comes to ourselves, we don't always want to go to that dinner where we don't know someone or whatever it might be in some uncomfortable way. This is a gentle reminder to all of us that we can do our things. It just doesn't always have to feel good in the process. Hard shit is manageable. Sometimes it's hard to see the growth that awaits you. Or you see women on Instagram talking about the quote, freedom that comes with empty nest. I'm sure that we'll see that freedom soon. But right now, freedom seems too hard. The problem is, is that the term freedom is so foreign to us because we've been focusing on our kids, spouses, partners, careers, all of the above. So more free quote me time feels overwhelming. If you don't already know how you want to fill that time so freedom can feel stressful. So you know how I talk about I've been talking about the stages of grief or the half empty nest change journey that I've been on. So just to repeat myself, stage one was denial.

Sarah Milken (00:46:12) - Is this really fucking happening? Stage two was partial acceptance. Like, okay, this is happening, this is really good for him. I'm not losing a kid. I have a kid who's gaining a tremendous experience ahead of him or, you know, I kept reminding myself of that. And then for me, the stage three of self-pity came when I got home, not while I was there. And then my husband left for a business trip. The shit hit the fan. Teen daughter started 11th grade and I was like, Oh my God. Although I have my podcast and platform, I still had this feeling of like, What the fuck? Now I feel like jello. Nothing makes us immune to these feelings. No job, no podcast, no hobby. You can't take them away. It's a parental rite of passage in most cases that our kids go off to college or get jobs or move out of our nests in some capacity. So no matter how much nesting I had thought I had done in my 19 years of being a mom to teen son, that nest felt very different with one birdy across the country.

Sarah Milken (00:47:24) - It just did. One week into this journey, actually, when you hear this, it'll be almost two weeks, ten days ish into this journey. The freedom stage has not set in yet. I'm not dancing on the tables. I don't feel like the freedom privilege right now. I feel more relevant than I did two weeks ago. Let's be honest. I keep scrolling my photo library. I go to my folder for the year of last moments that I hearted in my camera roll thinking What's he doing right now? Do you think he would be mad if I texted him? It's three hours later there is he a dinner as he had a party. Where is he? Is he happy? Has he made really good friends? Is he happy with his decision? I have so many fucking questions. I want to ask him 20 questions. But when he's called me the 2 or 3 times, he's called me for 60s. I can't ask 20 questions that are like these deep answers, so I just have to go back to that place of He's not complaining, he must be okay.

Sarah Milken (00:48:29) - He's not complaining, He must be okay. You remember back to the days that you wanted your kids to like, be in bed by 7 p.m. because you needed a break and then you remember wanting your teenager to fucking get home already so you could fall asleep. And now at this point, you think like, if I could just go back to those days only for a few minutes. As they say, the days are long and the years are short. I'm at the beginning of this empty nest half emptiness journey as I only have one kid who has flown the nest so far. So I'm a half empty nester. Teen daughter isn't as accommodating with my need to interact, and teen son would ignore me when he could and turned on the charm when he knew he needed to. Just to get from point A to point B, it was actually very sweet. Teen Daughter will grow into that, just like Teen Son eventually did fake it to make it as they say. All I can say is that half empty nesting or any kind of empty nesting is not for the faint of heart, while at the same time parenting my kids has been the most meaningful job and adventure that I have ever had.

Sarah Milken (00:49:43) - I have no regrets. Good stuff can be hard. That's what makes it meaningful. Give yourself grace. Nothing is perfect. Whether you worked while they were growing up or you didn't work or you did this or you do that did that. None of that matters now. What matters is you and your relationship with that kid and the roots that you have planted with them for the 18 or 19 years that they've been in your home. Hopefully we'll just stay as strong as ever. Most people say that they do and that the roots get even stronger over time and you guys appreciate each other more over time. If you don't work out, if you're not busy as fuck when you get home and you just feel like being like the bowl of jello, don't judge yourself. Eat the damn brownie when you have to cry. When you have to buy another sweater for the fall when it's still 90 degrees out, that dopamine hit can feel good once in a while. Reach out to friends who are in the same boat.

Sarah Milken (00:50:47) - One thing is for damn sure. It sure makes you feel less alone and less feeling like you are even crazier than fuck when you know other people are going through the same thing. The first week I was home and my husband was getting home that night I had a dinner planned with three other moms who had just dropped off their kids. Yes, I felt badly not seeing Instagram husband that night, but he had also already left me for three days, so I felt like I had a free pass. If you have people in the same boat like I did that night at dinner, or the girl who sat next to me on the plane or my friends that I've talked to on the phone, it clearly helps if you don't have access to friends who are in the same boat. I'm going to say to you that my free online workshop is made for me and you and a group of like minded women who are going to talk about issues like these. If you want to dive into the empty nest crazy and other major midlife topics like what the fuck now in midlife and fuck Fear, then my three day workshop is for you.

Sarah Milken (00:51:55) - September 18th, 19th and 20th. Go to w w w the flexible neurotic.com/free workshop free workshop. Okay. I need to go for another walk. I need to eat another few pretzels or buy a candle or do something. Teen Son did FaceTime me after three texts where he was asking me a question. I said, Can you talk? And then he called me and I said, Can we FaceTime? I kind of pushed him a little bit. Over this past year, I found a little rhythm to my madness and annoyance levels with him. I realized I can push once or twice. Then I need to wait a few days. I did this on his three week trip with nine friends to Europe. He sometimes didn't reach out for 2 or 3 days. Yes, I checked his locations and life 360 and then he would send three photos. And again the photos were worth a thousand words. And if he has a quick question and doesn't want to engage in a full blown chat, he texted my husband, He knows he's not opening Pandora's box with Instagram husband only with me.

Sarah Milken (00:53:04) - And then he has to get into 50,000 questions. Okay. Oh, my God. Crazy fucking time in our lives. Guys, If you like my podcast, please subscribe. It matters. It pushes it through the podcast platform. Algorithms. Algorithm, algorithm. Oh my God. If you like my podcast, share it on social media and tag me. You know, I always reshare if you like my podcast, tell some midlife friends and of course follow my Instagram at the flexible neurotic to all you empty nest. Half empty nest, whatever empty nest. Moms, I love you Talk soon.