midlife brain yard sale

Sarah Milken  0:00  

Now isn't the goal for all of us midlife women to live life not crack and under boobs what? And give zero fucks about what other people think. Okay, I'm selling all the fox. They are pretty cheap these days. Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just love coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hey, peace. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, and this is the flexible neurotic podcast. Okay, so I'm in the mood for maybe a little bit of a rant. 10 minutes maybe. I'm going to call this my midlife brain yard sale, where I rant out my shit at a mid life yard sale. Okay, I'm fucking tired. I want to blow off some summer steam. I want to clear my chest before the school year begins. My kids started school on Monday. It's now Saturday night. This is not a typical format of any of my podcast episodes. So if you're new here, this is not exactly how it works. I usually have a guest or I have maybe a little bit more formal of an episode. I'm not really sure. But this is going to be like 10 minutes of a personal dump or 15. If I really let it all hang out, I'm kind of in the mood because I have breakthrough bleeding. Like it's like a fucking period from hell and I had to go on progesterone this week just to shut that shit down. So I'm cranky. And I have french fries waiting for me downstairs like that's the kind of mood I'm in like dive into French fries that were just delivered to my house. Okay, so if you have 1015 minutes for stream of consciousness rant, the midlife Yardsale I'm selling all the rest of the fox that I have left. The fox that I have left. There's a few now isn't the goal for all of us. Midlife women to live life not crack and underboob sweat and give zero fucks about what other people think. Okay, I'm selling all the fox. They are pretty cheap these days. The part of the end of the episodes usually is where like I asked you guys for shit, but I'm not even sure you guys listen all the way till the end. You know why? Because you're already at the end your kids are getting in the fucking car you want to order at the Starbucks drive thru. And I'm just going on and on. So guess what? I'm going to do it right here so that you can hear me and I can get my message share this podcast with some midlife bitches who don't want to feel alone, okay? No one wants to feel alone. They want to feel like other women are going through the same shit. And I think that's been part of the success of this podcast. And my Instagram is I'm like,

Sarah Milken  3:29

oh my god, I had this happen. And this happened. I feel like shit and I'm bleeding and I'm sweating. And I'm also having creative flows. And so many women are like, Wait, me too. I thought I was the only one. So share this podcast with these people so that they can feel less alone. Also, I want you to write a fucking Apple review. It's such an annoying task. It's like remembering to pick up your clothes from the fucking dry cleaner. You know you should but you don't remember to do it when you do have the time and then you finally do pick it up and you feel so accomplished people in midlife women in midlife who have actually gone and done the apple review. There's like a couple of 100 now feel so accomplished, because so many of us don't even know how to do the technology bullshit. And so they're like, oh my god, I actually fucking did it. So do all those things. Share my shirt on social media. I love love, love the women who are involved in my podcast listening crew and my Instagram, to those of you who participate and comment on the Instagram. Thank you. You know how much work this is and you don't just like look at it, you actually participate. I adore you. And if you haven't jumped in yet, here's my personal invite to jump the fuck into the conversation. You will feel more I don't know part of the karmic mid life energy circle and Of course, you know, you could always DM me, I get hundreds of DMS a day and I respond to all of them. I'm the only person on my Instagram. So if you reach out or comment on a post, I'm the one responding. Participating also makes you feel less alone. So let's go I adore you. Okay, enough, enough enough, the Yardsale brain dump starts now. So this will probably be 15 instead of set. Okay, isn't it funny that the school you're starting is kinda like, the new year on January 1. It's like when school starts, the rest of our lives will begin summer is finally over. We love summer, but it's also like a lot of fucking Uber driving if your kids don't drive yet. It's a lot of like unstructured time and like messes in the kitchen, along with some really fun moments to Okay, so when school starts, I'm like, Oh, this is like my new year's fucking resolution. I'm going to be super consistent with my workouts. when school starts I'm going to have the perfect family dinners curated. I may not have made them but I will have mastered fucking assembling them. when school starts I'm going to pre cut all the fruit. when school starts my car will always be clean. How long does that really last? You guys like three days? It is like New Year's resolution. So this fall my kids will have been in school for three days of school when this episode airs. So I can't give you my update of what actually happened versus what I want to happen so let's discuss how the summer went. So the summer started with packing of teen daughter and teen son for summer pre college programs in Philadelphia in New York City. I thought it was gonna be easier than those seven weeks summer overnight camp packing that drove me to drink. It was in it wasn't my son the 18 year old easy peasy teen daughter drove me to the cliff the brink of insanity. Did she have the right number of jean shorts? Should she bring flip flops or sandals? Will the Ugg slippers be too fucking hot in the dorm room in New York? What if the dryer in the basement of the dorm shrinks on my clothes? Okay, then I did the medicine bag should show that you all watch on Instagram. And if you didn't you might need to go back and find that in the highlight reels because that brought a lot of entertainment and so many women wanted the list for the medicine bag. Okay, so each kid got every item at the CVS Pharmacy Plus prescriptions in case they needed them. They were utterly mortified but clearly not surprised on their fucking mother are Miss neurotic of the flexible neurotic and as you know they are used to the medicine bag from our family travel.

Sarah Milken  7:43

If you missed the episode about the origins of the medicine bag, it was called never carry on in mid life meeting carry on luggage because literally my carry on luggage is my whole medicine bag and makeup. You should go back and check out that episode. Okay, the air conditioning is finally cranking thank God so if you hear it I'm sorry. Okay, so we took New York City in Philadelphia by storm I sweat in every crevice of my damn body crevices that I didn't even know existed. I didn't even know your eyebrows could sweat but they fucking did. If you're from LA you're not used to humidity and the humidity is brew tall. Okay, I was able to order my oatmeal and coffee in the hotels although it was shitty. I tried to maintain my morning ritual and of course brought the collagen powder, chia seeds, cinnamon and organic walnuts from home so I could really do the whole oatmeal science experiment that I create everyday at home. I carried a hand fan through New York City so that my makeup didn't melt off. So I basically had like makeup sweat congealed makeup read congealed makeup. It was a hot mess but whatever. Okay, so teen son decided that since he showers twice a day, he didn't need to change his sheets for three weeks. I couldn't fucking argue with him. I don't care I'm not there. He sent pictures of zip ties you don't like those really hard thin plastic ties that would you would use to strap luggage or electronic cables. He poked holes in the sheets and the fabric and tied the sheets to the bed because the sheets kept sliding off the dorm mattress even though he had one of those mattress pad things. Okay, so we had a buy that in Philadelphia the morning of because Amazon so conveniently sent a crib mattress cover a crib mattress cover to the college so that was sorted teen daughter on the other hand, who never made her bed at home actually washed her sheets once a week and always had a perfectly manicured bed. Why I have no fucking idea. She said her room was teeny tiny and she couldn't handle it looking like a hot mess. Yet right now as we speak all the remnants of her lunch and now it's past dinner time. And the reheating pan are all over the kitchen. Whatever. Okay teens John makes a smoothie every morning so I have to do a collection of the almond milk, the banana peel, the MCT oil and the protein powder and the dirty blender all over the counter. But guess what guys, I'm not even getting mad about it because he's leaving for college in a year and I'm already having a fucking meltdown about half my empty nest. Okay, so back to the summer shit Instagram husband and I made it home from the East Coast ready for our 50 Shades of Grey for weeks without teenagers until I got some combination of like COVID in the flu. It was like I was having positive tests not positive tests. I couldn't even figure out what the fuck it was. But guess what? I was really sick really sick. The testing was bizarre whatever I recovered Instagram husband slept in another room and didn't get near me it was probably good because I was probably the one snoring this time not him with that cough and all that shit. So my 50 Shades of Grey. You know that fantasy of the four weeks of sex every day, just kidding. literally turned into 50 Shades of coughing sneezing, being miserable IV drips for vitamins, and me complaining and Instagram husband ignoring me per his usual reactions to sicknesses. You know, I've

Sarah Milken  11:15

told you guys this before he lives in the 1800s where you don't use medicine. You should lie in a bed and be miserable and sleep for five days and not do anything proactive to get better. Okay, so the weeks passed 50 Shades of Grey never happened the sickness is recovered and then teen son and daughter we're back before we knew it and I really had not accomplished anything. I was like, Oh yeah, I'm gonna do 50 Shades of Grey clean out the kitchen cabinets. I didn't do shit. So suddenly we move into the Instagram husband's colonoscopy. Now that was a shit show literally and metaphorically. You guys, remember I had my colonoscopy in February, I did a whole solo minisode that did really well cracked people up and got people off their asses to get their own colonoscopies. And if you haven't listened to that episode, go back and listen to tips from the diarrhea bowl if you want a real fucking laugh and you want an exact step by step guide on how to master the diarrhea ball. Okay, so he was a total asshole and ignored me during my colonoscopy. I thought I could let him do this on his own Fuck him. He's gonna have to do this. First I told him that I had my written notes. But he could only have them if he did all my online returns. And there were literally like 16 boxes. He reluctantly did their returns. Then he read my notes and he's like, these suck. I already know this from listening to your episode. Like there were more secrets to it. I mean, I gave all the secrets in the episode but I also didn't want to do the returns. Okay, so then he told me that he didn't need the jello or the broth. He was just going to starve himself. Then of course the day of the prep, he's like I'm hungry. So of course I had to go to the deli which smells like good filter fish or cheese and I don't even know I don't know, totally grosses me out. And then I went to the market bought all that shit and made the urine colored yellow jello. Um, so Martha Stewart it's insane. He proceeded to shit the rest of the day finished by 11pm as I promised him, slept through the night and then I dropped his ass off and picked him up. First colonoscopy done and dusted for both of us. Okay, you guys, if you haven't done your colonoscopy, go fucking do it. It's never coming off the midlife checklist until you face it. And no one can do it for you. Except for fucking you. So you might as well go and do it and the age is not 50 anymore. It's 45 We ended up being 47 Well, we did it because of COVID. So if you are 45 or above, get your ass is there. Okay, so then colonoscopy done and dusted. We started getting the school medical forms. What the fuck? How many can they send? How confusing can they be? And then their kids need physicals so that their sports forms can be filled out, but there's no available appointments until October. Okay, so I'm calling pleading begging, willing to make the worst time possible appointments. risking my life with my kids. Oh, yes. They would love to come at 730 in the morning before your first patient. Well, that was fucking fun. Okay, then we moved into dental cleanings they came in when I made my kids schedule those for themselves months ago. I can't deal with their calendars. If they have to change them. They have to deal themselves. Teeth teens on got his teeth cleaned. The dentist told him all his teeth are moving and he needs to go to the orthodontist again. What the fuck he's 18 We're starting this bullshit again. He had braces in first grade and fifth grade and was done with all of his orthodontics with perfect teeth by fifth grade. Okay, you're wondering why did he have braces and all that shit. So really, he had a full set of teeth at a year old. I know that's so weird. So he started losing teeth fast like he was in his Last year of preschool and he was losing teeth. Okay, anyway, Miss Perfect. My replacement on Earth teen daughter has worn her retainers post orthodontics in elementary school every single night. Her teeth are perfect. I texted teens on the phone number to the orthodontist and I was like you deal you're 18 I will reluctantly pay for your third fucking round of orthodontics, but I'm not managing the schedule. So he scheduled the appointment got fitted and scheduled and had them installed for the fucking Invisalign. Guess what, it's all done and dusted. Now he just has to wear them and not lose them. I mean, how long do you give that the beauty of these kinds of mistakes like him not wearing his retainer for the last five years? Like, you got to learn the hard way. So maybe he did. Maybe he'll actually wear them. I have no idea. Okay, so next topic, teen son's girlfriend left for college. She's a year older than him. I did not discuss this on Instagram because he didn't think it was my story to tell. But I'm just gonna mention it here as part of my summer scene. I'm not going to the details, but lots of feelings and oh my god. So she's at college now and teen son is entering the beauty and annoyances of his own senior year. Having fun with his friends maintaining his grades and applying to colleges. Holy shit. Hard to imagine that I have a kid that's old enough to be going to college. I mean, I don't know. I can't even think about that. I'm really trying to give zero fucks about what happens in the college admissions process. Instagram husband and I truly don't care about prestige. We just want him to know and to go where he feels good like what feels good for him. The college admissions in LA were a shit show for the private school circuit. Last year safety schools were no longer safety schools, teens girlfriend leaving for college, my friends kids leaving for college, my Instagram friends kids leaving for college and I'm like what the fuck? How can I start the empty nest feelings now? But guess what? It's in full fucking effect. Empty Nast is looming. I'm thinking about all the things I want to do with teens on this year, can I create more weekly rituals? Can I see him for more than five minutes a day between beach volleyball, baseball, schoolwork, college applications, friends and all the things. And you know, he never texted me back. Like rarely, I made him put his read receipts on just so that I could fucking see if I've made contact into the vortex of teen life. And then we move into teen daughter's driver's license coming up in November and her starting 10th grade. If you're a mom of a girl, you know how brutal girls can be to one another. And you know, high school girl, that's fine. Keep your daughters nice. I'm doing the same over here. Remind them that everyone is insecure and looking for a spot at the lunch table. So always tell your kids to create a spot if you're someone who can. I'm blessed to have lunch see creators they're not always lunch see creators, they've also been kids who haven't had seats at the table. You know, the cool lunch table isn't always the nicest place to be shed changes and read changes all the time. We all know that as parents just let's all keep our kids Nice. Okay, so if you're wondering why I'm having a 47 year old breakthrough bleeding through my seven day a week birth control where I'm not supposed to get periods at all, and I had the month long bleed in December. If you didn't hear that episode, you got to go back and listen to that. Maybe it's because of all the things I just blurted out above. Oh, and I'm the only one who does the content creation for my podcast and Instagram. Yes, yours truly, it's a shit ton of work. But if fucking love it, I wake up each day to jump in and chat with all of you. I get really tired too. Of course. I'm coming up on my two year anniversary of the flexible neurotic podcast. Who the fuck knew that this could be real. Literally, I pinch myself every day. I'm like, How did I do this? How do I maintain the steam? The answer is I don't fucking know. I'm scared. I do it anyway. And I just keep going and going and going. I'm scared and I do it anyway. And I just keep going and going and going. Some days I'm like flowy and creative and jumping out of my skin with excitement and other days. I'm like, my brain fucking hurts. What was I supposed to do? I don't know. How am I going to finish what I even started. I asked that to myself all the time when I'm tired. But I've also had awesome things happen. I had a company come in and offer to buy 50% of my intellectual property. Like that's so funny, flexible, neurotic is intellectual property, whatever. Obviously I can't do that right now. I'm so new to this. I have just been like trying to stay aligned with how I started the brand. I want to be the person I want to show myself authentically As blah blah blah blah blah. Okay, so hopefully you can relate to my midlife brain yard sale. This is obviously longer than 10 minutes, whether you're an empty nester or you're going to be an empty nester. If you're a spouse or a partner of someone who's gotten a colonoscopy. If you're a parent of a kid getting their driver's license, a hormonal hot mess, bleeding for a week sweating through your blow dry waking up in the middle of the night while your spouse is sound asleep while you take on the world's problems alone. I am here for you and me in this midlife vortex of ebbs and flows full of fabulosity. fabulosity are the moments when my blow dry stays when my workout isn't full torture when I am not bleeding through all of my underwear.

Sarah Milken  20:46

I see you I hear you. This is the place the podcast that Instagram if you want to feel seen and heard as a midlife woman to know you are not alone. You're not the only one feeling all the feels you are normal. Well as normal of any of us can be in midlife. Okay teen son is about to have 10 boys over here for poker and Instagram husband surprise teen daughter in his taking her off to the killer's concert. I don't even know what their music is. I'm ordering sushi now even though the french fries just got delivered going back to the period bleeding that I'm having and all my weird cravings. And I'm finishing up my podcast prep for Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown, the makeup artist, the entrepreneur, the oh my god, don't even ask me how she's coming on my podcast. This is like a bucket list interview. I don't even know how it happened. I DM her created some kind of synergy. She said yes. Cool. Shit can happen if we work hard if we're patient consistent and passionate. Look, not all things will happen at the same time but synchronicity is a pretty cool thing lately. Okay, you guys, I'm probably at 20 minutes now. adore you love you flexible neurotic. Check out my instagram. Check out my website. I have some amazing blog posts, and go back and listen to old episodes love you talk soon.