Creating Your Midlife “Inner Work” To Do List

Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife pump wondering, was this it for me? That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just love coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi, good. Pete. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken V flexible neurotic. Today I have an interesting and fabulous guest. I would call her a midlife lifestyle blogger who has gone from a lot of fashion to more fashion recipes and a huge focus on spirituality. She now calls herself the spiritual fashionista, her Instagram account and Facebook are the handle crazy blonde Life Blog. And most recently, she's the creator of her 21 day course the journey of becoming her name is Suzanne Smith. Hi, Susie. Hello, I'm so glad to be here. I know. I'm like oh my god, she's a real person because I see you all fabulous on Instagram. I'm gonna keep going with your intro for a second. So Suzanne's blog and course are both a deep dive into the layers of midlife in the midlife journey. She wants to teach us inspire us to live our juiciest lives and break the damn rolls. We're going to chat about how we define our best midlife selves and specific things she did that she teaches us to get closer to the most juicy self we can be in midlife. Suzanne knows firsthand how so many of us mid lifers feel as we wake up some days and we're like hormonal blobs, and other days we wake up feeling inspired and creative and ready to take on midlife self obsession, as I call it. And other days were the hormonal blobs where we just want to stay under the covers and cry or hide. She's living it just like us. One of the things I love about Suzanne is that she's honest, she tells us where her life has been where it is now. And she's tried so many things and figured out what has worked for her her midlife secret sauce. I want to start with Suzanne and telling you guys what my intentions are for this episode as it is for all my episodes of the flexible neurotic I want to dig deep with our golden shit shovels in an edgy midlife conversation Suzanne, based on your Instagram and your fabulous clothes and style. I bet you have an amazing golden church up all. I think I do have a pretty amazing goal. I want to talk about how in midlife, you can just feel off, overwhelmed challenge and just like oh my god. And I know Suzanne, you've turned some of your biggest midlife obstacles into the basis of your platform. We want to talk about the tools for midlife women to live the lives that they dream about. Filled with purpose, having friends, Sparky marriages and other fabulous things. And towards the end, Suzanne is going to give us her tips on getting on fucking stuck in midlife and specific things that women in her platform are doing small steps doing the work, I always say, we have to do the work. It's not easy. So what do you think about that? Suzanne? I think that you do have to do the work. And it really isn't easy. It's slow going is one step at a time. But it's a commitment to just start. I think that's the most important thing and to realize that you have the power to create your life in your hands. And you just don't want to let your life happen to you. You really want to create it on purpose with intent. I love that. And I want to talk to you. I know I got permission from you before we started because I want to talk about what sort of set you into the self discovery in midlife and figuring out who you are and what you want. You describe how after 24 years of marriage, you realize that your husband was having an affair. And that really sort of catapulted you into the next version of you. Can you tell us about that?

It was a really hard time in my life. I can't imagine ever having to go through it again. And I knew something was wrong. Something was off. But I really for the longest time had no idea what and he actually told me and you know, it wasn't over at that point, and it dragged on for a while. It was just a very excruciatingly painful time. But I will tell you that I can say probably was never great. And part of it was me, you know, I was a really Navy person, I was looking for outside validation, I wanted everything to come to me to make me feel better from the outside. And I didn't realize that I needed to do the inside work the inner work, to heal myself. And that would make my life so much better. When this happened, it really sent me on kind of a path of self discovery, I started to meditate, I started to journal I started to read self help books, like every one that was ever written, I feel like I mean, my bedside table was I mean, still is it's just stacked. And I just started to learn these, what I call spiritual truths, and I started to put them into practice. Now, I'm not gonna say it was overnight, it's still not overnight. I mean, there are days, I still look at him and think I'm just so mad at you. But we are still together. And our marriage is, I would say better than it ever has been. Now, you know, it's a marriage. And it's two people. And there are always going to be issues and arguments and things. But we are happy, and our families together, which is really important to me, I was so afraid to be alone. So I just could not let it go. And that's one of the things I talk about in my course, I don't know that I would still be here. If I hadn't had that fear of being alone, I hung on just with everything I had. But I didn't realize I would be okay, if I was alone. But I know now. And I think that's maybe one of the things that makes our marriage better. I know, I'd be fine. I don't really want that. But I would be fine now because I have done the work. And I think that I know this happens so often. And people don't really want to talk about it. But it was so pivotal in changing my life for the better that at this point, I look at it as a gift. You know, I have the gift of the story of what happened to me. And I can share it with others, other women predominantly and, and I think when you share you, you give others the empowerment to do that as well. And we can all help each other support each other, you know, my story is always going to be different than someone else's. And we can never truly understand someone else's life. But we can relate. And I do think it's important to feel not alone with your problems. I mean, I couldn't agree more. I mean, just speaking from my own marriage, I mean, my husband and I've been almost married for 18 years together for 27. We met in ninth grade. And I'll tell you this past year with a move or remodel to kids in high school, the pandemic I was like, oh my god, the marriage is hard. You know, like, obviously, we weren't getting divorced. But it really like tries your patience. And you're all together. And there's all these big life things happening at the same time. And you're just like, Oh my God. And I think for me, I realized in all of this when I started getting what I call the midlife issues like oh my god, I have to find something for myself that's outside of my kids and my husband, that I no one was going to do it for me. Like I had this secret wish that Amazon was gonna drop off this package. That's like Sarah, here's your fucking self reinvented men like, yeah, like all pay triple. But it never came, you know. And I also had this fantasy that my husband was going to do it for me, he was going to be like, Sarah, I have this great business idea for you. And all you have to do is wake up in the morning and do X, Y and Z. But that didn't happen either. And the reality is, even if he had done that, it wouldn't have been my own right, it would have been his idea, his baby and yeah, wouldn't have work. Yeah, it wouldn't have worked. And so I think I've realized in all of this that, you know, part of my message is, we do have to do that work. And I think that when couples come together, a lot of women are very dependent on men in relationships to make them happy. And I'm sure in some cases, it goes the other way too. But I think that the responsibility lies in each individual having their own sense of self outside of their marriage. What do you think about that?

I think it makes all the difference in the world. Like I said, it's just kind of maybe a more simple way to put it, but when you know, you're okay. When you know you're going to be fine. No matter what comes your way. It's just all in knowing you're worthy and that you'll be okay and that you really have a purpose here on this earth. I don't believe that anyone was put here just randomly. And so during this time is when I started my blog, and I started it. Just one day I just started it I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't No anything. And that's kind of what kept me busy. It gave me a purpose. It gave me something to focus on second, did you have any experience in how to write a blog and how to write an article like not like how to do it? Not one bit. My first blog post was a quote from kurta it was the one Imagic has begin, I can't remember the exact quote. But I just thought, Okay, I've always loved this quote, This is what I'm going to start with. And that was my entire first blog post. And how did you build an audience? Gradually, I just very, very gradually, people in my town started reading it, I did lots of recipes. At that time, I was taking all my own pictures. And it was very little fashion, it was more food because that's what I could photograph more easily. And then it just started to grow a little bit, I started to get different people to take pictures for me. Finally, I hired someone to help me because I was on WordPress, and it was fine. But I just didn't know anything. So I just needed a little technical help. We all do. Yeah. And so after it just really it's been very gradual, very, very gradual. But I've learned so much along the way. And it really saved me. It really did just now you started that around four years ago. Is that what I read? No, it's been a little over 606. Okay, how was your husband? And I know you have three grown daughters? How were your husband and your daughters with this new midlife venture that you had going on? My husband at first had no idea. He was like, What are you doing? How are you ever going to make any money doing this? Well, that just made me mad? Because honestly, I had no answer. No, it was just like trial and error. And then my daughter supported me from the very beginning, my oldest daughter helps me now son, she has a job. But she does my emails for me. She does my books for me. She keeps me in line, that she has a very analytical mind where I have a more creative mind. And so she does help me in that way a lot. And, you know, every now and then I'll have one of my other daughters who put together some fun outfits for me when you stare at your closet every day. It's like, I don't want any of this. I want. Exactly. I have not been aware of my husband's like, What are you talking about? Really? How can that even be? Yeah, he's like, What are all these new boxes at the door? I'm like, Aha, yeah, whatever. Yeah, my kids are teenagers. So getting them to help. It's like not even worth my time. But I do torture my husband with the technology help because I need it badly. Because I'm sure you know, I started this from zero also 18 months ago. And I'm like, This is really hard. I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm so impressed with it. I love it so much. Thank you. It's so real. And that's what I love most about it. Yeah, midlife shit in your face, as my kids call it TMI. Going back to this idea of couples and what each person in the couple is bringing, there's two things I want to talk about. One is, I know Will Smith is controversial right now because of the Oscars. But um, we're not going to talk about the Oscars. But I did find a quote, where he talks about the importance of couples individuality, and how that works in how he perceives his marriage to be and I thought it was interesting. He wrote her happiness, meaning Jada says happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy, and I should be happy as an individual, then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy, when you can't do it for yourself is selfish. I 150% agree, I could not agree more. You can't look look for outside validation from anybody or anything, you'll never find it you'll be looking forever and ever and you'll be miserable. I agree with that.

So in speaking to midlife women today, right now who are listening, who are feeling like kind of irrelevant, not seen not heard their kids are either out of the house or edging out of the house, or they don't have kids and they just feel sort of lost. What recommendations do you have for sort of just getting started? I think the problem is we have done for everybody else for so many years, we haven't taken care of ourselves. And we don't really have any idea who we really are. So I think the first thing that you need to do is to figure out what your passions are, and fall in love with yourself. And I recommend doing that in a lot of different ways. You're not going to ever figure out what you really love. If you keep doing the same thing every single day. You have to step out of your box you have to try new things. Take the class you've always wanted to take start the blog. I mean, even just go to the coffee shop and meet a friend and be out in the world and just step out of your box. That's I think that's the best thing to do to start and then find a mentor find someone who you will we resonate with what they're saying, you know, I've had so many mentors along the way, it started out with Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Bernstein, I went to her first spirit junkie. I mean, that was really for me stepping out of my box, I went to New York, in the middle of, you know, my trauma and pain. And I did her spirit junkie, master class and didn't know a soul. That was really good for me just to be around people from different walks of life, people who thought differently for me, some of these ideas that I was hearing, I had no idea I grew up in the South. And all of this metaphysical stuff was just so new to me. But I soaked it all in, and I loved it. And then I just wanted more. So I think if you start and you learn something, you find something you're interested in, that just sparks your creativity, it sparks your interest, and you just want to learn more. It's just such a gradual process. But if you don't start to do something different, you're never going to change. I couldn't agree more. And I like that you talk about mentors. I mean, I've had mentors in my life. But there are people that I've known. But I like how you talk about because sometimes people are like, Well, how do I find a mentor, I don't know someone who does X, Y, or Z. But I liked that you talked about people that you didn't know personally can still be a mentor to you like you didn't know Gabby Bernstein. But you went to her class, and she became a mentor to you even though you didn't know her personally. And I think that that's a very attainable thing for all of us. Oh, for sure. And there's so many people out there now that I think really are teaching very wonderful spiritual truths. And mostly people are teaching just from their lives and from what's happened to them. No, I had somebody asked me what my qualifications were to do this program. And my answer to them was, I have a story. And I came from this really dark place in my life, to a really happy place in my life. And I can share my story and tell others how I did it. And their path might not be the same as mine. But they can inspire them to start that journey. And I think that that's the whole thing, nobody's path is going to be the same. But you have to have that inspiration. And you can gain that, especially now from so many people. I just bought a year long mentoring program. And it's very intense. And somebody said, it's like, drinking from a firehose, there's so much information in this program. So many live modules to me just things to do. And like I said, Melanie layer, I put that in the show notes in case people want to check it out. How do you spell her last name, la yer she has very amazing I found her on Instagram on the beach last summer. And I could not get enough of what she had written because it rang so true to me. And so I started buying little small programs and doing them. And finally, I just jumped in with both feet and both a year long thing. And I just see that as an investment in myself. I also love it because it gives you a sense of structure. Yes, something to check in with because sometimes it's hard. You listen to podcasts, you read books, you let you read blogs, and you're like, there's so much information here. And I don't know what to take in where to start. And you feel like so overwhelmed with it all that sometimes when it's like a laid out plan, and you're checking in, and I feel like that that's what your course is doing for people too, is it's giving people a daily structure.

Yes. And I would like to think that it's also something that they can come back to as time goes on. But it's a module every day. And I actually do an audio because part of the thing I love about the program that I'm doing is if I miss something, I can go back and listen to it when it's convenient for me or in the car. Or I can listen to it again and take notes. And mine is the same in that way you can listen to it. There is homework, and there are journal prompts, there is a guided meditation, that I have loved doing that part, I decided to also take a course in meditation from the Deepak Chopra center, because I'm just so loving doing that. I mean, I meditate myself, but I love to guide other people through meditations. So that's been an important part of this for me, just my whole journey was when I started meditating and started really being dedicated to find that little bit of stillness every single day. Yeah, and I remember reading some of your work and it was talking about how, in this time with your husband when it was so dark and you were so upset and reactive, that you felt like you were almost like trigger happy. And the meditation is what helped you kind of come back to yourself and this place of okay, maybe I don't need to react to every single thing that's happening. Well, I think what meditation can teach you is that you have an awareness and you can actually, you know, when I feel read this, it blew my mind. But you can actually be aware of your own thoughts. And I don't think a lot of people are aware, they just have this replay of the same thoughts that go on in their head every single day. And it's a lot of it is the very same thing every single day. And once you realize that you can be aware of your thoughts, and then you can look at it. And you can think, well, is that really true? Because sometimes it's just not. It's just something that you've been conditioned to believe is true. So if you step back and think, Is that thought true, and it's not easy, I'm not even going to pretend it's easy. But it's just learning to really be hyper aware of what you're thinking how you're reacting. And that is a choice that we all can make. Oh, what kind of meditation do you do? Is there a certain type, I do different things? The reason I ask is like myself, a lot of listeners a lot of us struggle, like I floss my teeth twice a day. My dad's a dentist. meditating every day is like, Ah, it's hard. I can't see. It's not like, oh, I don't have the time. I mean, everybody has 10 minutes. But for some reason, it's hard for me to commit to it. Well, it's the first thing I do in the morning, I drink a glass of water, I get a cup of coffee, and I sit down and meditate. And I do that because if I don't do it first thing in the morning, chances are I won't get it done. But I do like to mix it up. Sometimes I just I like a little music. So sometimes I find you know, the, the bowls, the chon bowls, I love that in the background. And I'll set my timer. And I have I'm doing this numbers thing. I don't really know a lot about it. But I'm learning. So I'll set it like, for 16 minutes and 16 seconds, and I'll meditate for that. I love Melissa wood. I love her meditations in there a little shorter. And then Michael Beckwith, I don't know if you know, no, I do. I know. I adore him. He was really instrumental in helping me to kind of reconcile the way I felt about religion and Christianity with the metaphysical. And so I've really enjoyed his insight into all of that he's explained some things to me that never made sense. How did you take a course are you follow him on Instagram. I follow him everywhere. I follow him on YouTube. And that's where I do the meditations on YouTube. Every Sunday, he does a meditation service. So always look forward to having a fresh meditation on Monday. You know, in some I love. What's his name? It'll come light Watkins. Oh, yeah, I love him and his meditations. So it just depends on how I'm feeling that day. Sometimes I just don't want to hear anybody talk. And sometimes I need a little bit of inspiration myself. So I'll listen to something different. I don't think there's any formula, which is the great thing about meditation, you can do what works for you, I think and I say in my meditations, that I think it's just really important to do it with a sense of, of kind of respect. So that like you're putting that signal out to the universe, that you're really serious about this. And that, you know, you're looking for that wisdom in the stillness, that you're asking for guidance. And that's important to do it seriously. Like if you're gonna do it, do it.

Yeah, no, I agree. I'll do it like every day for two weeks, and then I'll stop and then I'll do it. And then I'll stop. I think that that's why it's sometimes doing an app, even though it's not super creative. At least it's like a forced routine where you're not thinking about it. It's like, you know, like unplugged meditation, it's like, this is the meditation of the day you're doing it. Because if I'm left to my devices, and I'm like scrolling YouTube to try to find things, but maybe you could like meal plan, like, you know, you meal plan, maybe you could do like a meditation plan. I think that's a great idea. And the thing about the apps that I find, and I've done the calm app, and I've done headspace, and I think they're really great apps, but I don't find that they bring that spirituality into it that I'm really craving, it's more just quieting, which is fine. If that's what resonates with you, by all means do that. That's not quite enough for me. I just want something a little deeper. I love that. Now I have a question. Okay, so you live in the south? And I'm not going to say there are certain stereotypes but like, I'm sure yeah, like, there's like, I'm not sure the metaphysical. And the woowoo is always, you know, a big accepted thing. So I'm just curious, like, did your husband think you were like cuckoo berry when you were like, Oh, I'm going to a manifestation workshop in New York with Gabby Bernstein. And I guess I'm asking that because my husband laughs at me kind of because he's like, one day you get into all this woowoo shit, like, What are you even talking about? You know what I mean? Like, I did an episode on Akashic records and one on plant medicine, but I see it differently than he does but I just think gets kind of funny. You know, a lot of times husbands or friends are like, what's this whoo, whoo shit happening? You know, it's funny, some of my friends have started to ask me questions and get into it a little bit as well. It's not as widely like, If I lived in LA, it would be totally different. And everybody would know exactly what I was talking about. I think it's getting more mainstream, just because of social media. But I also think that people are really searching for explanations like I was to things that just never made sense before. Yeah, I do think that people are really hungry for answers and things. A lot of times in religion, the Bible was written how many years ago by men, trying men and a different time, a different culture. And I think so much of it just never made sense. And I do think that we, as humanity are in a time of evolution. As far as that goes, we're evolving into a more intuitive society. And sometimes you look around, you're like, No way. But I do really believe that it's true. And that I wouldn't be a part of it. You know, I'm just so excited to be a part of that. And watch as it unfolds. Because I do you think that there's a lot going on? I know, I like to call myself an information war. It's like, I take in so much, so much, so much that sometimes I go like Sarah, shut up, turn your brain off, stop, you know, because it's like you, there's so much available to gather and think about and it's and that's what keeps me that's a really keeps me inspired is because every time I turn around, I'm learning something new. I just discovered human design. And I'm, like, gosh, I'm a projector. And I don't even really know what that means. I know, I'm still learning mine, too. I think evidently, I'm supposed to work less and create more like, oh, can create. But you know, I don't understand it. But I'm learning and I love it. And there's just so much more. I love that idea. Because it says an idea that we talked about a lot in this in this podcast is learning as you go. And in midlife, or anytime it's actually hard to like start small and start, like new and be fresh at something. But then at the same time, it's like we expect our kids to try out for the soccer team and try out for volleyball, right? Oh, yeah, come on, just take a chance. But we don't put those same expectations on ourselves. I mean, that's what I've done through this whole podcast is like, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. But I'm willing to say I have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm willing to learn as I go well, and I have a whole module in my course. And it's called start before you're ready and learn the way on the way. And I've done that I had a catering business years and years ago. And I was just inspired by Martha Stewart and I wanted to make things look beautiful, and had no idea how much hardboard that was going to be. But I did it, do anything you want to do. And that's just what I keep saying is really, if you want to do it, just come do it.

I love that. And your daughters must really see that now with you too, especially sort of coming back to this sort of like career type modes, you know, later in your life after they're all grown up. I really hope so. We've talked about it a little bit, I finally started to ask them just this past maybe several months, don't you see that I've changed you see that I'm different. Because I'm so much different. I don't react like I used to. I feel you know, like every day is a new opportunity to do something great. You know, I'm not like a Pollyanna. I'm not, you know, crazy happy all the time, but I do. I know how to bring myself back when I go down that rabbit hole of doubt and feeling bad about myself. I do know how to bring myself back and I think that's something that Gabrielle Bernstein talks about a lot is not that you're gonna that you're always going to be happy and always have it figured out. But when you do go down that rabbit hole how quickly can you come back? And I love that that's so perfect. And it is and it takes learning tools you know, meditation, journaling, positive self talk, I mean, sometimes you just have to look in the mirror and have a good pep talk with yourself like are a good cry. Yeah, but you know, we call it in the south like a coming to Jesus meeting. It's time for one of those sometimes I love that. I know, like I posted on Instagram. I'm like, Oh my God, all this stuff is happening. I just need a good cry. And I'm not a big crier, but when I do, it's like, oh, God, but then it's also coming back up from that. Yeah, and that's another thing I've really learned is that you can't just shove your feelings aside. You really need to feel them but I also just learned not to wipe your tears away. Because if you let your tears run down your face and absorb into your skin. There's something in your tears that's going to make you feel better, isn't that body working for itself? Wow, I have not heard that one before. I know I just keep, I'll keep the makeup stain there, you know, like right in place. If people are listening to this podcast, if people are looking for your core, if people are searching for new information for their lives, there's a larger reason for that things most of the time don't just happen. Like there's a reason. And I know on your blog, you have a set of questions that I just love that I think that the listeners of this podcast will love to. And I kind of want to go through each of the questions and sort of see what you think they're your questions, but I want to hear your thoughts on them. And because I think it's nice for listeners who are listening to have these questions kind of floating around in the back of their minds while we're talking. So the first question you say to ask yourself, when you're about to start this what I call the midlife remix, instead of a midlife crisis is Do you feel like you live the same day over and over again, I think that that's just a sure sign that it's ready to change something up. If you get up and you don't look forward to your day, you know, it's just going to be the same thoughts, the same food, the same arguments, the same stress the same everything every single day, it's time to do something different. It's time to change that, because it's not a happy way to live. I love me, unless maybe you're on a tropical island somewhere you have. Yeah, exactly. But what happens if you're like, it goes back to that sort of spousal partnership thing? Like, what if you're wanting to expand and change and evolve? And your spouse is like, what the fuck is she doing? I don't understand, like, what do you do then? And what are your clients saying about that? Because if only one person is evolving in a relationship, it's like, how do you move forward?

Well, I think sometimes if the relationship is meant to be, then you know, you can't change that significantly, without affecting the people around you. Now, I'm not going to say that that's going to save every marriage, or that even every marriage should be saved, saved, I think sometimes, sometimes you can address the problem, if things aren't working out, then maybe it is time to take a look at the relationship and just decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. And I certainly do not feel qualified to give advice about that. But I think if it's not right, if it's not changing that you're really going to know it somewhere deep in your soul, if you've given it your best effort, if you've done the work on yourself, and you know, that you're healing and that you're moving forward. And there's just no interest on the other partners part to do the same. That was not my experience, there was a lot going on behind the scenes with him and with me, and we just both needed to do a lot of work. And, you know, we're still both doing a lot of work. And there's some days which are not good. Yeah. But I think overall, I do know that it's good. Well, married marriages work. And as long I think as long as both people are willing to do some version of the work, like there might be one person who does more, or it appears they're doing more, but as long as the other person is sort of meeting you halfway, or at least not saying like, Why the fuck are you going to Gabby Bernstein, you know, like, in accepting and supporting and understanding that need for growth and not wanting to be the same person as you were 20 years ago, right. And he has told me that he's very proud of me for what amazing. So I know, it makes me cry a little bit. But I did, I heard something I don't even know I hear all these things. And I remember him and they come back. But if you're really worried about the path, someone else's on that means you've stepped off your path. Like, you can only worry about yourself, and if somebody else wants to come along great. And if they don't, well, then maybe they're just not meant to be in your life. No, it's fair point. Okay, the next question you ask is, do you make promises to yourself only to let yourself down every day? Yes, I think that's a big one. I think a lot of days, you know, it can be the the one that comes to mind I think most is the diet and exercise. Okay, tomorrow, I'm going to eat healthy food tomorrow, I'm going to eat too much tomorrow, I'm going to go to the gym, and then it doesn't happen. And then you go to bed and you've eaten too much or you've eaten, you know, whatever. And you're mad at yourself, because you promised yourself you weren't going to do that anymore. It's hard to just keep promises like that if there's not some reason compelling you because you want the idea of this complete life, this holistic, you know, healthy and that's not to say you're never going to eat dessert or skip a day at the gym or whatever. But it's like it's self love and self care. And when you really do start to truly fall in love with yourself. And I know you talk about this so much. Yeah, and start to change. And it's never going to be perfect because it's a day to day choice. When you wake up and you decide, today, I'm going to do the same thing I did yesterday, or today, I'm going to make it different. And then you go to bed and you feel proud and you feel accomplished. And then that gives you the desire to to move forward and keep going with it. Now, how do you stick with the food and exercise thing? Do you have little tips and tricks? Well, I really just love to work out. It makes me feel good. It's something I enjoy. It's a challenge. And I've really always been that way the exercise has not been much of a problem for me. The key on Instagram, Suzanne, you are like in a gym full on weights. I mean, I'm blown away. Well, I really do enjoy it. And I also you know, I'm just learning so much now about how important it is to for women to die. No. So scary, right? Yeah. And I don't want to be that hunched over a little woman with a broken hip. I just want to be jumping out of an airplane when I'm 85. Have you had your bone density done? I have. I have not done? Oh my god. But I really don't feel like it's gonna be a problem. But it would be interesting. And yeah.

But it's interesting, because even my Pilates teacher, she was like, Oh, I have my bone density done. And I have some areas that need work. And that's the thing is, there's not going to be a perfect result. But I mean, I had my bone density done when I had my mammogram last year. And he's like your left hip and your left lower back are showing like beginning signs of you know, osteopenia, or whatever. Frightening. Yeah, and some levels. Yes. But in other ways. He was like Sarah like this is if I did a bone density test on any women, your age, like 99% are going to have some kind of issue. And you know, you're working out and you know, you're doing the things that you need to be doing. So continue doing that and maybe make the weights heavier or added an extra day. So I tried to use it more of like an inspiration than rather than like, Oh, what the fuck, like what's going to happen? Now, as far as diet goes, that's where I struggle the most because I love sweets to me. I love I'm a cracker fanatic. I've always eaten the cracker and a piece of cheese and wine. And those are things that no, really not the best occasionally as I choke on my water. Yeah, but I also feel like if you live a life in total deprivation, what's that? True? And I do not. I do not live a life of neither do I. Okay, so the next question you ask is Do you have a dream you're afraid to pursue? And I love that because I think a lot of us do. Well, right? Because we feel unworthy. We feel like, Well, who am I to do that? And I have felt that when I was writing the course, I remember waking up the morning before it would the first time. It was a 21 day course. And this time, it's a 30 day course. But the first time I woke up and I thought, What if people think I'm crazy, but nobody likes this? What if? What if, what if what if I could have jerked it back and not let that email go out that I would have because I was just so paralyzed with with that fear. And that's, that's what gets us is like, but in the end doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks. I mean, if you're speaking your truth, and it comes from your heart, then it's good. That's the way so think you have to sort of ask yourself, like, what's the worst that could happen? Like, I'm not going to die, my kids are not going to die if I put out a podcast and no one listens. Like, no one's gonna die if I close my catering business down. And I know that's kind of like an extreme way of looking at it. But it's almost like in a weird way, there's almost no other way of looking at it. Because if you're not scared, it's probably not worth doing. Do you know what I mean? are very Wheezy. Yeah. And if you've put your whole heart and soul into something, or if there's something that you really want to do that badly, and the only thing holding you back is fear of what other people might think. You gotta let that go. I know, especially you in a small town. Oh, my God. Oh my gosh, well, you know what my saving grace was? I was like, I was the talk of the town for years. This is nothing and that is the honest truth. I was so happy when when they all moved on to the next person he was having, you know? Gosh, I mean, not that I want anybody to go through. Oh, I know. I know. It's just take the focus off me for a little while. I mean, there were days when I didn't want to go anywhere because I would walk in a rhythm. I know people were like, you know, talking behind my back and, but that's human nature. It's just gonna happen. Yeah, and I also think that we teach our daughter As in our children that you know what, like, Mean Girls and all that bullshit, it never really goes away. I mean, high school is over. But midlife you know there's people who say this and say that and it's up to you to sort of keep yourself in your own lane, keep. Yeah. You just never know what people are gonna say. You have to know your own value. And then that's when you stop worrying about what other people think. Did anyone criticize you or sort of like sneer at you when you started this midlife remix blog? Actually, no, I have great followers. The only thing that happened was, I went on I did maybe an Instagram story. And somebody said, What have you done with your lips? And I was like, well, filler, of course. Yes. You're like, Wait, if that's the worst thing that someone's gonna say about me? I think I'm good. Well, yeah, and if they read like two or three posts prior to that, they would have known what I did to my left, so open about it. I so love that. I know, I'm open about my shit to go. And look, there are people who are like,

I don't dye my hair. I don't do Botox. I don't wear makeup. And I'm like, good for you. I do. And that's the thing. I think in this whole midlife thing is like, choose you, do you and don't judge other people for what they're doing. Because everyone's making different choices. Take HRT don't take HRT, I mean, it never ends. You're right. I totally agree. And everybody does feel differently. And if you don't want to do Botox, and you don't want to get your lips filled, then that's fine. But but really, it's it's probably a good idea not to judge people who do Oh, god, it's so hard. And I have a 15 year old daughter. So I'm like, trying to walk the walk as you know. Now I want to talk about something I found on your blog, which I found fascinating. You had this blog post called, Are you the one for you? Yes. And I want you to tell listeners a little bit about that. And then I pulled two that I want to talk about. So tell me what it was how you got there. This actually came from one of the courses that I took from Melanie layer, and it was called you are the one and and what it boils down to is that you are the one in your life, who was going to do what you're going to do. It's all up to you. But you're also the one for your children, you're the one for the people, if you're a coach, you're the one for your clients, you're the one for your husband, I mean, think about it, like you are responsible in a lot of ways for being there for people and for showing up. You've made a commitment. And so that's really where that came from. And I do think that sometimes to to look in the mirror and say, you know, I'm one, I am the one. But I think you know comes from that I am she had you do an exercise where you made a list of all the ways you are the one right? Yes. And I don't remember, I know, I'm gonna read it to you. So there were two that stood out to me as it relates. I mean, there are a lot of them I loved. But the two that I wanted to talk about? Well, the first one is you wrote, I'm the one who was willing to take the first step of my journey of becoming the person I was put here to be. Now, how do you teach that in your course? Well, I believe that we're all here for a reason, I believe it's up to us to discover that reason. And you can find hints through what the things you love the things that make you feel good. But you can also not ever try to discover that and then you never go anywhere. And I think that really we have a responsibility to shine our bright light because nobody has that same light. So we do have a responsibility to take that first step and move forward. And I do this in a lot of ways in the course we do vision boards, we do breathing exercises, we do the meditations, we do what I call a desire list. It's like a kind of spring ritual thing where I have everybody make a list if they desire of things that they want to see happen with this new season with the transition, and then you burn your list and you sprinkle it in your yard or on dirt somewhere and then you put a flower over it to just seal that. And that is like a ritual that setting an intention to be serious about the things that you want to bring into your life because nobody's going to do it for you. Yeah, that's for sure. And I love all these little things that you teach and you talk about because most people aren't going to take the time to make a list and bury it in the ground and put the flour on it. But I think that when you do take those moments, you're basically telling your brain and re wiring your brain like, Hey, Sarah, like, this is really important. Like you took the time to write these out, you took the time to lay the flower on it. And I think we are so much our subconscious thoughts that by taking those moments, and telling ourselves that these things are important, it's so crucial. Yeah, it sends a signal and something that you don't really forget. Mm hmm. Because when you take the time to do something like that, it really is. It's part of you after that, and I love that.

So the next quote that really stood out to me from the you are the one list you wrote, I am who has made me my mission to continue to evolve and grow by first healing my relationship with myself. That's what the whole journey is about. Yes, you have to you have to learn to forgive yourself. People talk about don't live in the past. And I do agree, you can't live in the past. But there's some things that you need to heal from the past, yes, you need to heal, you need to take the lesson, then you need to be grateful for the lesson. And you need to say now what, and you need to move forward, you can't keep dwelling on that thing that happened to you. Like, for me, my husband's affair, a lot of people, they never get over it, it takes their whole life, and then they let it ruin their lives, and they never forgive, and they never get over it. That's no kind of life. And so I chose to start this journey. And it feels good to forgive, it's powerful to forgive yourself and other people. So that's what I chose to do. And I think that's really important. I think it sort of shows this whole idea of midlife of choosing you, whatever that is, like if choosing you meant leaving your marriage, then that's you, that's a decision you made. But if choosing you meant I'm going to do the work for myself, my husband is going to do the his work. And I'm going to choose to stay in this marriage. But as long as the alignment is there with the choice that you're making that choice and either way, it has to come with forgiveness, because that's just holding on to the past and being bitter. And it'll just make your whole life seemed kind of dull, because it's always this thing. Totally. Now, if you had one piece of bottom line advice on finding the sweet spot in this midlife journey of becoming, what would it be, just decide to start, just make a decision that you're worth it, just get up every day and just do one little thing. One little thing that's different, that makes you feel good. You know, it sounds silly to buy yourself flowers or take the time to sit and drink your coffee. But just something that signals to you that you're, you're serious about it that you're ready to begin, and then just go for it. Yeah. And I also think like in this journey, like I chose to start a podcast, but other people might choose to play pickleball or take up cooking or whatever it is I have friends who started maj on and maj on groups. And I think that some of us don't want to start something because we're like, but we're not going to be on the Forbes 400. Or I'm not going to be the best pickleball player. But if we wait until we think we're going to be the best at something it too much of life has already passed Well, in what has been the best mean anyway, I don't know, we have to be our personal best. But somebody else can be the best to. I just think that that you have to stay in your own lane and not worry about whether other people are doing and you may just end up on that Forbes list. Who knows? I never know. And maybe that's not your goal either. And that's the thing. Maybe your goal is just to be more playful or more sensual or more whatever, whatever it is. It's just finding what that thing is for you. And maybe it's multiple things. Oh, that's true. I mean, I'm into so many things right now. I'm loving just everything I'm doing. And some of them are related. And some of them aren't. I'm trying to really learn more about photography. I want to learn more about the technical side of my blog, I want to start a podcast and so there's so many so many things, but you're never going to know what you're interested in until you get out there and start looking.

Totally. Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listen to this episode with Suzanne Smith so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listen to a long episode, I'm like oh my god, I fucking love that and then I don't even remember what the specifics are. So I'm coming here to you right now and doing the Golden Nugget summaries you don't have to remember shit. In this episode, we discuss creating action steps to spark change in your midlife. Golden Nugget number one change starts with you. Nobody else is getting a fucking do it except for you. Amazon's not coming. No one's coming to save us. We have to do our own work. If you see There needs to be a change in any aspect of your midlife, then you have to take the initiative to make it happen. Suzanne explains that you have to work on yourself first before any big changes can happen. You have to evaluate your feelings and actions to see what you should be doing differently. It's not fucking easy, then we have to take the action steps that's even harder. If you want to see a change in your marriage and you have to express to your partner what that change is peeps, your partners in a mind reader. They have to meet you halfway in order for your relationship to thrive, marriages teamwork, and you can't do it alone. If you don't start to do something differently then there's never going to be changed changes on you. Golden Nugget number two. Okay, so Suzanne started off as a midlife blogger and was very interested in recipes and fashion and as time progressed in her blog and platform evolve, she started calling herself the spiritual fashionista. I love that name. What does it even mean? Suzanne explains that when she was separated from her husband, she had to do some soul searching. Maybe she wasn't necessarily separated. I think they had some marriage drama, and they took some time to work it through. But I won't say that they were necessarily separated because I don't know that as a fact. She says that instead of continuing to search for outside validation, and outside recognition, she decided to look within and discover the root of her problems and find her own spiritual truths. Suzanne realized she had to do the inner work in order to heal. During her discovery process. She read self help books, practice journaling, and all sorts of meditation. After realizing her fears and self doubts her spiritual truths taught her that she would be okay. No matter the outcome of her marriage, her biggest fear was to be alone. But after all of her inner work, she realized that she could be alone if she needed to be but her marriage has been worked out. Golden Nugget number three, meditation and self awareness. Sometimes we're going through a difficult time we can get so upset that we've become trigger happy with our emotions and feel like a fucking basket case. Believe me, I know well, Suzanne says that when she was so reactive during her marital problems with her husband that she needed to take a step back. By practicing meditation, she was able to oversee the entire situation and come back to herself. She could see her thoughts. Suzanne became self aware and stopped replaying all of the same bad thoughts that she had inside of her head on repeat. She explains that once you are aware of your thoughts, and you take a hard look at them, you start to realize that some of them aren't true. So in tough situations, it's important to be hyper aware of what you're thinking and how you're reacting Golden Nugget number four, everyone has a story share yours. Even though Suzanne's situation with her husband was very difficult. She says it was pivotal and changing her life and describes it as almost a gift. Suzanna explains that she shares her story because she wants to empower other women who are going through similar situations. She says that everyone's life stories are different and we can never completely understand what someone is going through. But it's important to not feel alone and establish these connections. There are no qualifications needed when sharing your truth. She says there are no qualifications needed when sharing your truth. Golden Nugget number five. Don't wipe away your tears. Newsflash. Fergie was wrong. Big girls do cry. Suzanne says that one of the easiest things you can do is look in the mirror, have a pep talk with yourself and have a good cry. She says she wants her that it's important to never shove your feelings aside and the tears matter. You have to explore what you are feeling in order to understand what issues need to be addressed. Just because your situation may not be as big of a deal to other people, it doesn't mean that your emotions are invalid. Suzanne adds that when you cry to let his tears absorb into your face because there's a chemical in your tears. That is going to make your body feel better. I thought that was kind of cool. So let your body work for you and cry away. I mean, and you guys have seen my Instagram where I had that big fucking midlife cry and I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Okay, the gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it, use it. There are so many things that you can do. First, subscribe to the fucking podcast. I need you guys. The more subscribers The more people get to see the podcast it just the way it works. Second share with some friends who like midlife shit and third, write an apple review. writing reviews is so fucking annoying. It's an extra step but guess what? It really helps the podcast grow.

I know everybody's asking for reviews. But if you're here and you're listening to the podcast and you love it, let everyone know write a review Do you think your little review won't matter? But it does. If you went to a show or a concert and everyone said my clap doesn't matter, there will be no clapping you all matter. Also DM me, you know, I always respond. I'm the only person in my Instagram 24 hours a day. No one else is in my Instagram. No one else has my password. If you're getting a response, it's from me, if you're getting a comment, it's from me. And so many people ask me like, how do you do that? It must be so time consuming blah, blah, blah. But you know what? It's worth it. It's time consuming. But that means that I get to know every single person who messages me. And if you start following my Instagram and you get a message that's like, welcome to my Instagram. I'm the one who's fucking copying and pasting and sending that to you. There's no one else doing it. It's all me. Okay, you guys, I've done my schpeel Of course, follow my instagram at the flexible neurotic. DA Talk soon. Wait, you guys I forgot one more thing. I had so much fun talking to Suzanne that we recorded a separate rapid fire minisode that's going to air next week. So make sure not to miss more juicy Golden Nuggets with Suzanne Smith. We do a deep dive into 10 practical steps. Don't miss it.