Pro Tips From The Diarrhea Bowl…How To Master The Colonoscopy Like A Pro

Hey peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife pump wandering. Was this it for me. That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi, peeps. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, and this is the flexible neurotic podcast. This minisode was supposed to be the fourth of the midlife golden shit shovel clusterfuck series outlining all of my clusterfuck events of being post 40 and all that comes with perimenopause and almost menopause. But I'm going a little bit out of order. And this one's going first, let me tell you why. I had a fucking colonoscopy today. I'm not even lying. It's now 8:23pm. I had it at 10am this morning. I had no plans of doing this episode today. But I got so many messages from you guys and so many questions like the whole thing that I felt like I just needed to talk about it and I wanted you guys to have the information sooner. So this episode is going to be called the midlife diarrhea bowl. And if you've been watching my stories on Instagram, there's now an Instagram highlight reel called My first colonoscopy. Okay, I thought that post taking the Michael Jackson drug this morning to put me out for the colonoscopy. I think it's called propofol. I wasn't sure if I was going to be like, really into recording but I'm psyched. I'm here for you, we're going to do a deep dive literally and metaphorically into my diarrhea saga. As you know, I'm 47 years old. The new guidelines for colonoscopies is 45 years old, not 50 anymore. I know we all want to say 50 Because that's what it's been for so long. But it really is 45 I was supposed to do this colonoscopy shit show before COVID I didn't have it scheduled, but I turned 45 on February 22. And thought, Oh, I'll do it in March. But then we started the pandemic. Bye bye, colonoscopy. Here we are. Two years later, I had my fucking bike accident that you'll hear about and one of the minisodes in Hawaii. That was rad. My menopause month long bleed. That was super fun and my fucking frozen shoulder. So those are the first three episodes that are coming to you after you guys hear this one. Okay, so the short story, I went to the gynecologist for the month long bleed that you will hear about. I make her do the Pap smear and the breast exam. There's no fucking way I'm coming back for that shit on another day. So we go through all the things she does the ultrasound, you'll hear about that in that episode. Then I say I'm getting Am I getting the poop stick and she looks at me. And like she's confused. And I say the finger in my ass. She laughs and says of course and I'm like, Oh my god. Ugh, Does she really have to stick her finger in my tush? Yes, she does. Okay, I didn't argue with it because I knew I had to have it. And so she sticks her finger in my tush rubs it on the slide that's like this little like piece of paper that they like send off or take to the lab. And then at the end of the point appointment, I'm talking to her and she says, you know, you're 47 you need a colonoscopy. And I'm like, I know and I tell her the whole story about how COVID came and I couldn't do it, blah, blah, blah. Then her nurse walks in and says, Okay, Sara, you have no UTI. You're all clear. But there's a trace of blood in your stool. And I'm like, Oh, perfect fucking timing. I'm getting the colonoscopy lecture. Oh, my mom's calling me on my cell phone right now. I'm getting the colonoscopy lecture right now and you find a trace of blood in my stool, but obviously a trace of blood in your soul. Like, honestly, you guys don't have a freak attack about that. It is pretty common. It doesn't mean that it's normal. It's just pretty common. So you definitely have to get tested for that kind of stuff. So I schedule console for colonoscopy, the doctors super fucking nice. She prescribes me the pills to elicit the evacuation, diarrhea and she tells me that she's had great success with that I was so happy to hear about it because I'm so used to hearing my friends talking about this like revolting drink and how people throw up from it and how they just can't get it down. So I go downstairs to the lobby I

get the meds in the lobby. Pharmacy, and I go on my way I call back to set up an appointment. And they give me these like fucked up times like starting at noon and later and I'm like, I need a fucking morning appointment. I can't starve all day. I made that mistake once with my first C section with Jake it was a Plan C section. And they gave me the noon time. Okay, first of all, I was like not one of those like skinny pregnant cute people. I was like, I know people don't believe me, but I was literally like in a Ranga Tang, like, I was so big. My neck was so thick. I think I gained like almost 70 pounds. It was not a good look for me. Anyway. So I just remember like almost dying, waiting until noon to eat. So I wasn't going to make that mistake again. And Marin, I see section with mera and my second kid much earlier than that. Okay, so my mom keeps calling me. That's cool. So I'm like, There's no way I'm going to do this late in the day and they say, Oh, well, she sees patients in her offices in the morning. And that's why she does a colonoscopies in the afternoon. I'm like, Okay, that's a hard pass for me. So I asked around, do my neurotic research, one of my besties told me about her doctor, I have my console with her new doctor, and she says something about the liquid. And I'm like, oh, no, I can't use the liquid. She says, Well, I don't usually use the pills. And I say why? And she says, To be honest, it's a lot of work to change all the protocol and everything. And I just stick with the liquid because I've been doing it for years, blah, blah, blah. I asked her if there's anything wrong with the pills, she says no. And the same thing. She says the same thing that the other doctor says that the old version of the pills had some drama, but the new version is safe and as effective as the liquid. I asked if I could use the pills from the other doctor. And she said yes. And I was like, fucking score. And I got a morning appointment. Okay, so that part's done. One of the points of that whole long story is sometimes you don't have to take what you're given, like, they were like, ready to give me the afternoon appointment. I'm like, sorry, that doesn't work for me, I need to find a different doctor than the new doctor was like, Yeah, we use a liquid. I'm like, that doesn't work for me, I need to use the pills, it doesn't mean that you're always gonna get what you want. But at least try ask for what you want. What is the worst thing that could happen? They say no. And then you'd move on to a different doctor or just sort of search around a little bit. Don't just take what's given to you. Okay, most of my friends have like the 7am appointment so they don't starve in the morning. And you have to check in at 6am. Now, if you're married to my husband, and as you most of you know, I've known my husband since ninth grade. And we've been together 27 consecutive years married for almost 18 You know that a 5am wakeup and sitting in the car for an hour and a half at 6am because of COVID restrictions is a combination for him to be a real asshole. That is going to be grouchy city. So I say to her, Do you have a later morning spot, so they give me 10am With a 9am check in I'm like, oh, that's golden, Sleeping Beauty husband can get his beauty rest, and not be grouchy. Awesome. Okay, so fast forward three weeks. I say to Jeremy, I have my colonoscopy on March 1 at 10am. He's like, Oh my god, I have a conference in Pasadena all day. And you know, my husband, like, has his own company like works for himself has a business partner. So it's not like he's clocking in. But it's like something he cannot change. He's like, it's not changeable. There's 10 companies pitching us or whatever shit, he was saying, I have no idea. And I'm like, oh my god, I have to take a deep breath before I fucking kill him.

He's like, I can hire a driver to take you or maybe the cleaning lady can take you or maybe one of your friends. And you're not allowed to leave the surgery center and an Uber without someone you know, like as if I'm going to get into an Uber after a colonoscopy with the Michael Jackson drug in my system. What the fuck no way. So I'm like, Okay, what am I going to do? So I realize it's a Tuesday the colonoscopy is going to be on a Tuesday and my dad doesn't work Tuesdays, he will of course help me out. But then that means that I get my mom more involved. And then I have to answer 50,000 more questions from my mom than I normally what? She's gonna have more access to me she's gonna be able to call and text my dad. Look, I adore my mom, but she's fucking mental with anxiety about medical shit. And she actually thinks she's a doctor because she consults Google. She also has IBS, so I would have to hear like diarrhea stories like comparing them to my diarrhea stories. I already have enough of my own diarrhea, whatever. It's just, it's gonna have to be my dad, I'm gonna have to put up with my mom. My husband got fucking lucky. So let's fast forward to this past Sunday, which is like the two days before the colonoscopy. So like two days ago. Now it's Tuesday, I'm researching what I'm allowed to eat and make a huge list of foods and drinks were huge. There's like four things you can eat and drink. And I had to the market. He asked me if I want him to come with me, but it was sort of like he already knew I was mad because he hadn't taken any interest in the discussion of the colonoscopy. Like he didn't even know I was getting put to sleep. He didn't know this. I'm making him sound like a total asshole. He's actually a great husband and amazing dad, but like somehow when it comes to medical shit, he becomes like a complete shutdown paralyzed person and like, does not like get into details. He doesn't want to do what if scenarios, whatever. Okay, so I'm like, No, fuck you. I'm going to the market by myself. I don't want someone annoying me. I don't want to be on a timeframe. Anyway. Okay, so I go to the market, I get the pre made jello cups. They can't be red or orange. Yellow is like the colonoscopy theme. You can basically eat yellow but not eat red or blue because of the dyes and you can't eat orange either. Who knew? So if I buy two boxes of yellow jello because they don't make yellow jello pre made, at least I couldn't find them. I had to buy the green ones pre made, which are fucking revolting. And I actually had to make the jello myself and if you know me, I don't cook into making jello like it took a few steps. I'm not gonna lie. And then when I go into the glass Tupperware for the fridge, it honestly look like a urine sample because it's like bright yellow. Anyway, I also bought Campbell's chicken noodle soup because I was like, I can't just eat like organic gross chicken broth from a carton, like at least I have to have like some of the real deal and I'll just strain out all the weird items in the soup like the carrots and the chicken and the noodles. Because you literally cannot eat a solid. But then the next day the broth from the old person's deli near my house just sounded so much better. You know, like when a restaurant makes something. It probably has a little bit of fat in it even though you're not supposed to eat fat. And like I don't know just taste it just the thought of it tasted saltier and yummier Okay, so I went to the market got all that shed. I went to the deli got my broth. Oh, and I also bought Italian ices they're approved lemon yellow ones with no fruit pieces because again, no solids. You should get them because the jello gets to be disgusting after the first two ingestions of it. Okay, so jello broth, I bought drinks. Okay, so the pro tip on the drinks, you can drink yellow Gatorade and white Gatorade. You cannot drink orange or red or blue. I also bought the regular sugar ones and the no sugar ones because I needed options. I felt like no sugar, I would sort of be like kind of craving the sugar and I felt like too much sugar. I was going to have like blood sugar issues and I was going to have like sugar all over my teeth and I would need to like brush my teeth 12 times a day. Anyway. So pro tip by the yellow Gatorade and the white Gatorade. Also another pro tip by ginger ale brand name Canada Dry fucking amazing. And apple juice. I bought apple juice most people drink it I don't know I kind of wasn't into it. So I didn't even touch that but they're both approved and I bought both of them. Okay, so while I was at the market because I'm fucking neurotic and crazy, like the flexible neurotic.

I thought hmm, I think I'm gonna buy some wipes for my ass pro tip. Okay, so I hear that the toilet paper with all your visits, rips your asshole open and people are like almost crying one of my friends was like I was literally crying because my asshole was like dying. So and I also had one listener who actually messaged me and told me that at the end of the diarrhea saga when it's like all clear like You're shitting clear liquids she got in the shower so she wouldn't have to wipe because her asshole was so on fire. Okay lol I couldn't think about clear diarrhea water running down my legs in the shower. So I skipped that went for the wipes Okay, so I got the waves are no parabens no this no fragrances, but they weren't flushable and I swear they sell flushable wipes but not at that market whatever. Then I thought about my asshole a little bit more like what could help me so I grabbed a new Aqua for and but pace Do you remember that stuff like that? We used our kids asses with diapers. I was buying that for myself. I sprung for the new Aqua four because yes of course there's like a half used Aqua for bottle and every bathroom of my house and in the kitchen medicine cabinet, but like, whose fingers have been in there? Like what could possibly be growing in them? No, my asshole deserves a brand new fresh fucking aquifer. So I did that. And then we go to so Wait, let me summarize that food wipe strings bud pays off before Oh pro tip I need a stool softener, laxative situation. One of the papers I had said take two Dooku locks in the morning just to get things moving. I am not a laxative taker. I just if I don't have to share that I don't share it like I just I don't know. So, but I bought them that was part of my market run. Okay, so that night I'm like, Okay, this is my last supper. What could I eat? That's just gonna like hit the spot. Nail it. So I get possible and A's and mushroom pizza from former if you guys are from LA, you know for Montana. It's just like, check it in and oh my god. Okay, so I eat that it's amazing. And then 11pm I take out my teenage son's ice cream. It's like full fat ice cream from Lori's another local favorite. And I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna eat full fat ice cream so that I'm not like starving in the morning and why not eat like a pig before your pipes are cleaned out. So I eat the full fat ice cream at this point. I'm borderline exploding. Okay, so the next morning is Monday, which is yesterday prep day, I was prepared to not eat much and eat my discussing foods from the market. Then I read while I was standing in the kitchen that the fast only had to be 24 hours. So I can't even fasten on Yom Kippur, the Jewish holiday when you're supposed to not eat or drink. And it was only 8am. And my colonoscopy was actually at 10am the next day. So it was really like 26 hours, I was a little skeptical. So instead of like eating some of the bigger foods that they said I could eat, I just made to plain scrambled eggs. I kind of thought okay, it's not appetizing, but it's like a little non greasy fat and some protein. So pro tip if you schedule for 10am You can eat a light breakfast like my eggs the day before around 8am and just be fast. Okay, if you know me, I always drink a cup of coffee but I don't drink a black and I have like almond creamer and cinnamon and stevia and all this bullshit that makes it fluffy. But I was like, What if I get a headache from not drinking coffee? So of course I have to get a blow dry the day before my colonoscopy because why wouldn't I just kidding, but yeah, why would I? So I make black coffee which I never drink put in a to go cup and sip it all the way to get my blow dry. Go to the blow dry. Well, first I had to take a shower and wash my hair because I want to just like get that part done and not take a bunch of time having taken laxatives at the hair place. So if I felt like if I wash my hair at home, I'd be better off Okay, so I go get the blow dry and I'm like I say to my stylists I'm like I might have to go use a restroom. You know, I just took two laxatives I'm just not sure and she's like, don't worry. I'm gonna go pick up some lunch. So I can just like lock you in here and you can use the restroom. I was like super. So she leaves I go into the restroom My hair's blown out and done. I'm like, do I have to go to the bathroom? Do I not think God I like didn't even try because there was no fucking toilet paper in there. She literally had brown paper towels like that

look like sandpaper, like I would have died. Anyway, so obviously I've got under her for years. So I've earned the right to have these like awkward conversations with her. So I packed my shit get in the car. I drive to FedEx. I'm playing with fire a little bit because I'm like, Okay, what if I shouldn't my pants I haven't taken a laxative. I don't know if I've ever taken one. I have a deadline on sending something. I'm just gonna go my clock is ticking. I get to FedEx and I swear to you know that woman in front of you who's like 36 minutes like, how do I send this to Europe the cheapest way the guy's like, oh, I don't have the right size box. And then the guy behind me was getting pissed and he's like, wrap it up lady you obviously can send it you're not going to spend $750 Wrap it up anyway. So I was just like praying I wasn't going to shit in my pants there. Okay, so then I go from FedEx the deli because I wanted to get the yummy broth. So that's another Pro Tip Get the yummy broth from a restaurant. And then I buy another pro tip a black and white cookie. You know the words like half black frosting, half white frosting, it's huge. It's like a frisbee and I buy a few plain bagels because these are going to be my snacks are going to zip blood bag with with me to the colonoscopy which is another pro tip because a lot of people say after the colonoscopies are like fucking starving and they literally want to eat their hand. And I can't drive my dad to the brink of insanity like trying to find me a quick snack after a colonoscopy. Although my mom would do that. I wasn't going to put my dad through it. And then I run into the pharmacy to see if this pharmacy has flushable wipes. Of course they don't. So I'm like, Okay, fuck the flushable wipes. Okay, I get behind by 1pm the pills for the evacuation start at 2pm. I poured the broth into a coffee mug, I drank it like my coffee. And that was my lunch and I ate some more disgusting yellow jello. I'm weirdly not hungry. Maybe I'm just like nervous and I'm about to start this whole evacuation. I get on a podcast call, I start taking the pills. There are two sets of 12 pills. So you do one set in the day and then like six hours later,

you do the other set. Okay, so read reviews online pro tip these by the way, I'm not a doctor, and I'm not telling you to do any of these things. You have to check with your doctor, see what their opinions are and if it's okay for you, because I did that, too. Okay, so I set a timer, I took all 12 pills five minutes apart. So whatever. The this is like the colonoscopy this morning, like killing my brain. Okay, so I did 12 pills five minutes apart. So it took me forever to get through them. And supposedly when you space them out, it gives you way less cramping. I also read that if you take Zofran, which is the anti nausea pill that you can take when you're pregnant, it sometimes helps like if you start getting nauseous from the 12 pills, and gas x you can take up to four gas X pills in 24 hours. So I took two of them. So again 12 pills five minutes apart with a timer. Zofran as the anti nausea pill, it is not over the counter, you have to get that from your doctor and gas x which I had in my kitchen. Again, check with your doctor. Okay, so I get like, completely fucking water log to the point where I could explode. They make you they give you this like little plastic cup that tells you exactly how much water you have to drink and you're supposed to drink like one while you're doing it. Blah, blah, blah goes on and on. Okay, the pro tip for that is get a fucking straw and make sure you buy straws when you're at the market. I forgot to mention that because drinking the water through the straw, it gets done in three seconds rather than five hours. Okay, so after the 12 pills, I feel like I'm going to explode but I'm not going to die. I just feel like very waterlogged and kind of gross. I lay on my bed somehow, like I fall asleep and I'm like, Okay, if I fall asleep, am I going to shit my pants, whatever, I don't care. I felt like an exploding balloon. So I waited for the volcano. It never came. And then finally the nurse the doctors nurse randomly called me and asked and like asked me how I was and I was like, it's so weird, but like I took the pills two hours ago, and nothing's happening. So I don't remember why. But I stood up from the bed. And she and I go oh my god, I have to call you back. And just the movement made me have to go so I hung up on her I ran to the toilet. And if you're watching my stories, you know that there's a special magic toilet in my house. It flushes really well all the other toilets like I'm always clogging them. It's so annoying. So I did this whole pre setup of the toilet with my wipes, the bud paste the Aqua for plastic gloves, Aline trash can. And my solution to the non flushable wipes is I have these green doggie bags that are not clear so I could stick the shit covered wipes into the doggy bags, tie them up and not have to look at them. Okay, all of that is on my Instagram highlights. Okay, so the first round I sat on the toilet after hanging up on the nurse it was three full geysers in one sitting and then done and it's obviously brown. So obviously I'm not done. Okay, so pro tip. Please note that every single time I shit after I wiped I put Aqua four and Bob paste together mix them together on a fresh wipe. And then when my bot was clean, I would use that wipe with those two things on it to kind of get in my butthole Okay, and I did this before the first round like before I talked to the nurse when I gone to the toilet to just pee I had sort of like pre prepped my butthole with the aquifer and By pays, because I never knew when the volcano was coming. Okay, so the other pro tip from all of that is I lay down on my bed while I was taking the 12 pills and I didn't walk around or move. So my tip to you is walk around and move because it's going to come down faster and I had to wait two hours. Okay, so after each evacuation, Aqua forum, but paste on a fresh wipe when you're clean and reapply it every single time you can thank me and love me later. Oh, another pro tip. I forgot to mention pre open the dogshit bags. I know it sounds stupid. But you know when you're in the market, and you're holding like six fucking apples, and you can't get the plastic like fruit bag to open because the two pieces are stuck together and then you're like licking the bags. You're not gonna be licking your fingers while you're having diarrhea. So make sure the shit bags are pre open so you're not struggling with them. You throw the shitty wipes in and you tie it up and you toss it into your line trash

can. Okay, I'm probably getting a divorce by now because my husband's probably listening to this going. She's lost her fucking mind. Okay, also you can have antibacterial wipes to pre clean your hands before you get to the sink was so you can put gloves on if you're going to use your phone because you know I was filming myself on the toilet as you can see in my Instagram highlights. Okay, so the first round of shootings done three full geysers done. I changed into fresh on days. This is another thing that people don't realize, when you have that much shit splattering around. You're bound to get a yeast infection no matter how clean and perfect you are. Splashing shit is definitely getting near or in your vagina. So I just put fresh on design. Okay, so after round one I had another cup of broth and I couldn't eat more jello, so I busted into the lemon Italian ices. Oh my god, they've never tasted these. So so good. No fruit particles clean and simple. Okay, then it's 7:30pm I started the whole 12 pill bullshit thing again. Okay, took the Zofran this time I only took one gas axe, and I did the 12 pills and they only did two minutes apart because by this point, I was like a pro and I was feeling brave. And I walked around and this time it came a lot faster. Now during these runs to the toilet in round two, I was drinking my ginger ale if you haven't had full sugar ginger ale lately, the Canada Dry was like a fucking desert and it soothes your stomach. It's like another amazing pro tip. Okay? When you know you're you know, you're almost done with all of this shit. When the diarrhea becomes clear, you're literally spraying water clear what looks like clear water out of your ass. So I was approaching clear, same routine. Let's be honest, I'm going to be honest, the water is so thin that it's like dripping out of your butthole that when you stand up, it leaks out. I have a pretty tight ass Okay, I did not have a vaginal birth. I don't have those issues, but it's still pours out. Okay, I've never had that happen before. So my pro tip for you that no one wants to talk about is have like eight to 10 pairs of extra underwear and extra pair of sweatpants in the bathroom. Because then if you have like any squirty weird things on your underwear or like the bud pace and the Aqua for it's like you could just put like a fresh pair on and you don't feel as nasty. And you're also going to prevent UTIs because let's face it, there's like that all that splatter that we talked about. Now you're putting on fresh underwear so it's good. So when you stand up the ass liquid does pour out. So this takes me to pro tip 7 million. I think I'm at this point. You know how when you don't have a maxi pad and you grab toilet paper into making a maxi pad and you shove it like in your vagina not in your vagina but under it to be like a maxi pad. That's what I realized I needed to do for my ass. So I made a toilet paper maxi pad and I shoved it in between my cheeks sort of vertically. I swear. It saved me so many times because every time you stand up like water pours out of your ass. So the gross liquid would hit the maxi pad toilet paper before it like hit my underwear. So anyway, this morning I woke up to a morning pile of like dirty underwear. Two pairs of sweats blah, blah, blah. Okay, I was done with the diarrhea. You guys this is almost over. I was done with the diarrhea at 11:15pm I went to bed. That's fucking amazing. Some of my friends are like, Oh, I had to do like this second drink at 2am and blah blah blah. I cannot do that. Okay, this is the kicker. So Jeremy who's like so annoying with like, he needs his beauty rest. Asked if he thought I was gonna keep him up because he had that big meeting. Like conference all day in Pasadena today. I'm like, How the fuck would I know? If I was going to keep you up? I've never had a colonoscopy before. How would I possibly know? So I was like, you can go sleep in another fucking bed. And he's like, Yeah, but if I sleep in another bed, I may not sleep as well. And I was like, honestly, I'm so fucking done with you. You're the least helpful person and I'm worrying about your sleep and you're not even taking me tomorrow. Like, honestly, I can't handle it. So anyway, I was so fucking down with him. At that point, I decided to he decided to stay in our bed. And then I made him switch sides with me because his side is closer to the magic toilet.

I knew I'd give him a fucking panic attack because my nightstand was covered in but shit. Like every item we've already talked about. And he's totally OCD and has like, just Alexa on his side of the nightstand. So he wanted to say something but he couldn't because he kind of had not been like so abusive and empathetic throughout the day. And he had already crossed the line nine times. So I go to bed around 1130 I wake up at 4am I turn over on my back the liquid pours through my bud maxi pad. I'm like, oh, gotta go to the bathroom. So I went to the toilet let that run literally for a second and I was done. Got back into bed after I changed my underwear and my pants from my pile. I slept till 645 Of course Jeremy's sound a fucking sleep. And Alexa starts chiming you know, like the little low chime at seven like the gentle wake up. I send some emails. He's like, How'd you sleep and I literally wanted to just like, I don't know, wanted him to just like get under the covers and not talk to me. And whatever. So he started to get up and I packed my bag for I was gonna say the hospital it's not the hospital like the surgery center. So protip wear warm socks because they let you keep them on and you just put the booties over your socks. If I didn't have warm socks, I would have died. Bring a sweater so you can wear it after when you're cold. They give you blankets while you're in there. But then when you're leaving, you're still kind of cold. Bring water and Gatorade and your favorite snack like I brought the black and white cookie and a plain bagel. I also packed extra undies and extra pairs flood pads. In case I had a liquid squirt. I'm like nobody wants to sit in their own shit in the car. I forgot to mention that. You know we all know as mid lifers there's like a sneeze pee. But during this I realized there could be a cough squirt, too. Thank goodness I didn't cough last night but honestly had I coughed I would have been like squirting shit. So be prepared for that use your bud maxi pad. I also forgot to mention that when I got there, the nurse asked me to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. And I'm like, How the fuck can I pee? If I haven't been allowed to eat or drink since midnight? I have nothing left in my system. And I just looked at her like you're deranged. So we agreed on signing the pregnancy waiver. I mean, come on. I'm 47 I'm on birth control pills. It's safe to say I'm good. Oh my god. Okay, after I sign that I got into my gown shower cap booties over my socks. They roll the guy out who was in the lobby with me when I got there. And he had just had his colonoscopy and he was snoring like a fucking hound. I said to the doctor team, I was like, please wake me up if I snore like that. Because that is just embarrassing, and I can't Okay, anyway. So the anesthesiologist came in the IV went in, I got rolled in and off I went into lala land. I woke up from the best nap from the Michael Jackson propofol drug I was slightly concerned about it. My kids actually had it for their wisdom teeth and they had such different reactions. My son woke up singing Saturday Night Fever. I'm not joking. And my daughter woke up crying and screaming like she was working in a back alley and like being chased by tigers. I have no idea. It was so scary. And then I thought, well, what if I wake up make a fool of myself are overshare about my husband or something not like I don't overshare in general. But thankfully that didn't happen. I woke up to no pull ups. I'm so happy. I drink some water. I met my dad and his little dog outside. I got in the car and dove into my cookie and I split it with my dad for being such a good sport. The rest of the day. I kind of just hung out in my backyard got some sun trying to like keep my shit together literally and figuratively. You can see it in my highlights on Instagram. Like I said, I created a whole reel because there were literally 1000s of views and people kept asking me for the expired ones and I'm like, Wait, how do I do that? How do I send them so I'm like, You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna make a highlight reel. The best part is I get a call at 5:30pm I haven't heard from my husband all day, except for the one text this morning that you can see on my Instagram that's like, thanks for being the guinea pig on the colonoscopy, blah, blah, blah. So the 530 call was him asking me how I was and telling me how exhausted he was from his day, how he had lost his voice. He can't talk to him one more person. And I'm like, sitting there. Just thinking like, why is he even telling me this? Like, I just had a colonoscopy. I just shit my brains out for 24 hours. I've barely eaten today, whatever. Okay, guys,

I'm so happy I was able to share all this information with you because I wish I had some of this information. Moral of the story, get the fucking colonoscopy. If I can do it, anyone can. And I am my husband's get guinea pig as he told me follow my pro tips. I promise you, you will thank me later. Make sure you check in with your doctor about all my little side shows. I don't ever weigh myself. So I can't tell you if I lost any weight. I know everyone kind of loses from one to four pounds. But again, I don't even have a scale. The cough score is real. And the liquid does pour out shove the toilet paper maxi pad in your ass. Okay peeps a few more things in all my enthusiasm and getting you all the pro tips from the diarrhea ball, and how to get through your colonoscopy like a fucking champ. I forgot to mention to you some key statistics that they're not to scare you. But to highly frame the importance of getting a colonoscopy and encourage you to get your asses to the colonoscopy. Get your spouses, partners, friends, whatever. Okay. Number one colon cancer. I mean different resources say different things. Colon cancer is either the second or third leading cause of cancer death for men and women. Number two, it doesn't have to be in your family to get colon cancer. Of course, it's a much higher risk if you do but it's not the only way to get it. Number three, the new guidelines say it's age 45. For the first colonoscopy, it's not 50 anymore. Okay, what number am I on for screw the numbers reducing the deaths from colon cancer by removing polyps before they turn into cancer, just by getting a colonoscopy, they'll be able to remove any polyps that are in there and determine if they are cancerous or not, therefore reducing your risk. Okay, you guys, this is the next one when they are doing the colonoscopy. And if they find polyps, they can remove them at that time, so they don't have to go back. And again, that doesn't mean that in no circumstances that they'll have to but most of the time, they could just sort of do a one and done. Most polyps are benign and not cancer, but they do send them to the lab for analysis analysis to determine whether they are cancerous precancerous or noncancerous. Next, only five to 10% of polyps will become cancer. But it also depends on your family history. Those with family histories might be asked to get colonoscopies once a year, because it is such a preventable cancer, and you can stay ahead of it, you'll have a higher chance of just finding it on time. Okay? No blood tests can show you if you have colon cancer, so don't think you're going to get out of it by getting a blood test. Next, yes, there is a virtual colonoscopy that is less invasive. I am not a fucking expert on it. But all I know is that you still have to do this shitty prep. And if they see a polyp, they can't remove it at that time because it's virtual. And you will have to go through the whole thing again just to remove the polyps. I'm not an expert, but I wouldn't choose to do that. Because if there's a polyp in there, I just want it one and done and out. Again, I'm not an expert, my basic basic understanding, talk to your doctor figure out what's best for you. The bottom line is that we have this tool called the colonoscopy and it can prevent colon cancer in a big way, not 100%. But colon cancer is found in 40 out of 10,000 screenings, and it's the only cancer screening technique that can actually prevent cancer and not just detect it. So are you booking your colonoscopy today? Hope so DM me, like all the other women who have and let me know if you're booking your colonoscopy because you guys we're all in this midlife shit together literally and figuratively. I want to thank you guys for bearing with me and supporting me. I've gotten so many messages that women are signing up for their colonoscopies and making their husbands do it too. You can be damn sure that my husband's prep and colonoscopy days will be on my Instagram after he underperformed on mine. You know, let's go Jerr I do hope you get some beauty rest tonight Jeremy it must have been a hard couple days for you. You guys, check out my Instagram, please write a fucking review. I know it's annoying to take that extra step, but it helps me so much to grow as a podcast. Please tell some friends there's nothing like a friend rec on something.

I know I'm forgetting to say something because I'm kind of hungry now. Okay waiting for my Postmates dinner. follow my Instagram. Subscribe to the damn podcast and write that review those the best gifts you can give me. Bonus points if you do all three. Talk soon.