EPISODE 39: how to be your midlife chief soul officer
Shelley Paxton 0:00
Crown yourself with the title chief soul officer. Because what it really means is that we're a badass. You're a badass who takes responsibility for the direction of your life and you live it more authentically, more courageously and more purposefully, and it's beautiful. It's in alignment with your truth.
Sarah Milken 0:26
Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken V flexible, neurotic. Today I have a very rebellious guest. We're gonna find out how to liberate our souls in finding and creating the lives we crave. This is not religious. This guest spent 26 years in the corporate world as a marketing executive in household names like McDonald's visa, AOL, and Chief Marketing Officer at Harley Davidson. Now that is hot. Then she had a recurring nightmare that made her reevaluate her life because she realized she was neglecting her soul. We're gonna explain all of this. She left a very big job at Harley for a deep soul search. She ended up coining the term soul battle. We're gonna dive into that and she became chief soul Officer of her life. I just fucking love that. People wondered why she would ever leave the coolest career Harley, I want you to think about Brene Brown meets biker babes with a dash of Liz Gilbert the author of Eat Pray Love. She's the author of her best selling book a corporate rebels guide to finding your best life. Name number one of Forbes 21 books to read in 2021. She is leading a revolution to rewrite the script of success. Yes, I said rebel Lucian not revolution, and she's gonna liberate a billion souls from feeling empty. For today. She is our midlife soul liberating coach. Her name is Shelly Paxton.
Shelley Paxton 2:53
Hello, Shelly. Oh, that was so beautiful. Yeah. Oh
Sarah Milken 3:00
my gosh, you deserve all of it.
Shelley Paxton 3:04
I'm honored sister.
Sarah Milken 3:06
I'm so excited that you're here. I mean, I'm sure my listeners saw me plastering you all over my Instagram recently. I was on your podcast, the rebel souls podcast. We had the best conversation I didn't even want it to stop and it's funny I read listened to it this morning just to get like pumped and fired up. I was like I don't even like listening to my voice. But listening it to you with you. I was like, Oh wow, I don't sound that bad.
Shelley Paxton 3:36
Oh my god. It was so much fun. And I've been chomping at the bit to have this conversation because I'm like, I need more. I need more Sarah. I need more midlife.
Sarah Milken 3:49
dug into midlife sexy. We went from frumpy and lumpy to midlife sexy and if you if my listeners have not listened to it, they have to go and listen to it. Yes, it's on every podcast platform rebel souls podcast. It will also be linked in my show notes. You have to go back and listen because you need more Shelly more flexible neurotic. Oh my god.
Shelley Paxton 4:15
More sister was like it is it is midlife sisterhood Right? Like in a bottle. We caught Lightning in a Bottle girl.
Sarah Milken 4:23
Oh my god. My husband's like, is the midlife remix forever. I'm like, yes, it's forever. He was like really? I'm not sure I signed up for that. I'm like, Well, I don't have to tell you. Oh, here
Shelley Paxton 4:34
we are.
Sarah Milken 4:37
Okay, get ready. We're gonna do rebel souls. What are they? How do you become a rebel soul and we're gonna chat soul sabbatical what it is. How do we create one for ourselves in midlife, and we're going to dig deep with our golden shit shovels. I know you like gold and shells from our first chat on your podcast. And we're going to dig Deep with my golden shovel and yours to do all things rebellious, soulful and life changing. Are you ready?
Shelley Paxton 5:08
I already have goosebumps. Yes. At this is I got like proverbial chamfer just on to I do. I mean, I
Sarah Milken 5:17
always wear a fur vest
Shelley Paxton 5:19
and my golden Wonder Woman bracelet and your honor a cough.
Sarah Milken 5:23
I mean, I always wear a fur vest with my golden shirt. javal you have
Shelley Paxton 5:27
to I mean, I'm in Chicago and it's chilly and this just felt warm and sexy. So, you know, I get a hot flash it's gonna get ugly, but I did tell you before
Sarah Milken 5:38
we started recording I put extra deodorant on for you today.
Shelley Paxton 5:43
Gonna make you sweat so I can't
Sarah Milken 5:45
wait let's ready sexy is on Okay, so these get sweaty,
Shelley Paxton 5:48
sexy together. All of us. That includes you peeps.
Sarah Milken 5:53
Oh my god. All the peeps. The intention of this episode is to talk about the importance in midlife of feeling like our souls are satisfied. How do we get there? And how do we know if we've had a successful revolution? That word revolution cracks me up because it sounds like I'm saying it wrong, but it's our Ebel. It's not like revolution, but it is yeah, right. Sorry.
Shelley Paxton 6:21
I'm so ready.
Sarah Milken 6:22
Okay, so midlife soul searching is a key part of the midlife remix, as we all know, first of all, recognizing that we are in need and want of a remix and then figuring out how to get there. I know you've had success in getting to your revolution, midlife remix, I want to talk about that. I want to ask all my burning questions that have been on my mind since I found you on Instagram. Since I was on your podcast, I'm going to ask questions that are on all of our minds.
Shelley Paxton 6:54
Yes, please. And you know, and you know, I'm an open book. So let's
Sarah Milken 6:58
go there. The open book is not great, either, because this could be a fucking 10 hour episode.
Shelley Paxton 7:03
And then there's that or a part two and part three, that will of course have to do across our podcasts so completely.
Sarah Milken 7:09
Okay. So you have a very interesting and complicated story that could be five hours unto itself. So what I did was I did flexible neurotic style. I kind of snapshot it. I'm going to give the listeners a snapshot of the first 5 million years even though you're only 50 to
Shelley Paxton 7:29
51 Turning 50 Next month, January.
Sarah Milken 7:34
See and are you coming to California for I will be
Shelley Paxton 7:37
there for part of January and my birthday. Yes. And I cannot wait to see you. Oh
Sarah Milken 7:41
my god. I cannot wait. I'm so excited. Okay, so I'm going to do the quick snapshot. You grew up in Minneapolis. So your midwesterner you did not feel like you fit in with your family. You were like, the fucking outsider. You were a rebel child. So sorry for your parents and borderline as you call yourself a pain in the ass to your parents. Right? Then you took pain in the ass to sex drugs and rock'n'roll teenager. I can't even because I have two teenagers. I can't even imagine what that looks like. You had the perfect cheerleader sister and you got shipped out of the house. How old were you were you were shipped out?
Shelley Paxton 8:21
It was. I was 15. I was I believe it was my sophomore year in high school. So 1516 Yeah, no boarding school. Yes. Boarding School in southern Minnesota. This super sexy little town. Do you remember it? You remember what I called the boarding school that I went to I called it nuns with guns. Because it was a merger. It was a merger of this old military boys school and like religious like combat girls school.
Sarah Milken 8:48
How did you do? They're
Shelley Paxton 8:51
not well, they they did not invite me back at the end of the first year. So I negotiated with my parents to come home. Oh, my God. Yeah. Let's just say it said all my sex, drugs and rock and roll habits. That's all.
Sarah Milken 9:05
I was gonna say. Like it clearly had the opposite effect of what it was supposed to have. Right? Okay, so you end up coming home graduating. And then in your 20s you get this sort of entry level ad executive job right? Then you somehow get a job offer in Turkey and you take it huh? Right.
Shelley Paxton 9:31
Well, it was with the company I was working for. So yes, the short version is I kind of have the early life in cheese before
Sarah Milken 9:39
I had the midlife and cheese. Yeah, we were 26 Right.
Shelley Paxton 9:43
I was 26 and I was feeling like part of this black sheep feeling I'd always had was like, what like who am I? Where are my people? I want to see more of the world because I don't feel at home here in the Midwest and I wanted to I wanted to see the world and start To see my career as a ticket to seeing the world. So I raised my hand with the big global ad agency that I worked for at the time and said, send me to the place that no one else wants to go. And the rest is history.
Sarah Milken 10:13
Oh my gosh. So you end up going to Turkey, you're there for four to six years or four years, okay? You meet a guy, you get you know, you meet a guy, you have a great beginning of your marriage, then it turns into a nightmare disaster of epic proportions. And then what happens?
Shelley Paxton 10:35
Well, so I mean, listen, we had a very a long and fruitful relationship. I was with him for 11 or 12 years. So honestly, I mean, he was my soulmate. And we had an incredible adventure.
Sarah Milken 10:47
So we were you living in Turkey your whole marriage or you move back here?
Shelley Paxton 10:51
No, no, in fact, we we moved to New York City. So when we got in gauged on New Year's Eve of y2k, when everyone thought the world was gonna end, which just makes me laugh to this day, I was like, I was gonna get engaged on any day. That would probably be the DERA like, yeah, this might not last anyway.
Sarah Milken 11:13
Oh, my gosh.
Shelley Paxton 11:15
And then we moved to New York City, and we moved all over the place. But we did come back to or I came back to when he came to the States with me. And, and that we were all over New York, Chicago, we lived in Shanghai for a bit, came back to Chicago. And I got really, really, really sick when I was in Shanghai. So now we're at like, 36 years old. And I had a year long illness that just kind of woke me up to who am I and what am I doing with my life? And what do I want and in my in a relationship that's growing with me now that I was kind of seeing the world through a different set of wow, I just survived a life that life threatening illness lens. And that was the beginning of the end of our marriage. We simply weren't growing together. And unfortunately, it turned into an epic shit show of a divorce. And I found myself at 39 years old, on the eve of my 40th birthday, going, oh my god, I'm single. And I haven't been single since I was 27 years old, dating world, everything else had evolved in. Honestly, Sarah, that was the beginning of midlife for me. Because I was like it completely, you know, asked of me, I was reinventing myself on every level. Part of that was going to Harley Davidson. When I was 40, I went sexy. It was super fucking sexy. Yeah, super sexy. I don't regret a minute of it. It was part of me, Reclaiming my badass or we might. I
Sarah Milken 12:50
mean, it's like hot woman gets a chief marketing job. But partly, I mean, you didn't even ride motorcycles.
Shelley Paxton 12:58
At the time. At the time. I didn't mind a guy who I had worked with who's a dear friend. He and I had worked together back in the ad agency days, he had gone to be the first chief marketing officer ever at Harley Davidson brought me in to create this global marketing organization. And ultimately, I took the position of chief marketing officer but yeah, talk about sexy. I put on my black leather, my skinny jeans, my badass boots, I learned to ride a motorcycle, I reinvented myself and reconnected with my rebel soul as part of that work and rode motorcycles around the world, which makes the question of like, then why did I end up at 46 feeling empty, and I think this is what makes my story really, you know, intriguing to people because it's not like I was doing some, you know, typing job in some back office somewhere, you
Sarah Milken 13:52
had the badass sexy job that everyone wants, and you checked all your box sets
Shelley Paxton 13:58
100% in it is I am living proof. And I'm guessing that, you know, many of your listeners can relate to this, that you get to a point and even when the world tells you that what you're doing is epic and sexy and the you know, top of the mountain and they're, you know, you're getting rewarded in all the ways we're taught, you know, to get rewarded, right. I had the money and the titles and the accolades and the promotions and all the things. And yet, I started having the nightmare. And I was like, Oh my God, I am completely disconnected from myself. And what I realized is that I was living my dad's dream. So here I am. I'm now 46 years old. Presumably at the peak of my 26 year advertising and marketing career, I was really successful by everyone else's definition. Right. And I felt success D, which is kind of how I talk about, you know what that feels like when you tick all the traditional boxes of success and yet none of them resonate with your truth and your soul. And none of them lead to true fulfillment which is from the inside out which to me is what the full part should be. In successful
Sarah Milken 15:22
to you left Harley with a What did you call it a fuckup. Fund?
Shelley Paxton 15:31
I had my fuck you but yeah, so you? Yeah. Yeah. Cushion.
Sarah Milken 15:38
Yeah. So that tell us a little bit about your cushion? And like how you got to term this to coined this term soul battle with two bees?
Shelley Paxton 15:48
Yes, yes. Oh, my God, I have a little joke about that. Because we were going back and forth on how to spell it. One of my girlfriends looked at me and she's like, two bees are not to be like, Okay, we're going there. We're going there. It's a made up word. So I always said like, it's a made up word. I can spell it however
Sarah Milken 16:06
way you want. And, and it's a
Shelley Paxton 16:08
reminder to all of us, right? Like, we can make up the rules. And we can break the rules like this is our narrative to create,
Sarah Milken 16:16
that's the best part of midlife, it's like 100% Fucking your way. However, that way is and not judging other people's ways. Exactly. Who gives a fuck what everyone else is doing?
Shelley Paxton 16:32
Well, and so that's a great segue into answering your question about like, okay, so Alright, three things you asked me that I'm gonna start with the titles was so radical first, and then I'll answer the question about the fuck you funds so. So what's really interesting is to the exact point that you just made when I finally came to terms with the fact that I was lost, and I was completely disconnected from my soul and who am I because I had attached all of my identity, like, 99.9% of my identity, to my work, and my titles and the sexiness of all the stuff I did on the like idol war 1,000%. That was my only because, right like that was. And so when I came public and said, I'm stepping away, and people were like, Oh, wait, you're doing this voluntarily, like you're leaving the position of the Chief Marketing Officer of Harley Davidson, who does that exactly. As you said, I really started to have heart palpitations. And I was like, Oh, my God. Oh, nobody. Everybody thought I was crazy. My family thought I was crazy. Like, that shit crazy, wears like, and Shelly Paxton more in the same sentence quite frequently in those days do
Sarah Milken 17:47
reminds me of like me when I got my PhD. And then I decided to stay home with my kids. Yeah, I was like, the whole peanut gallery starts chiming in with their dance and their song, and then you're like, fuck, fuck, Am I doing something wrong? Am I gonna regret this? And then it kind of makes you think about just because you can doesn't mean you do. So it's like, just because you can have the Chief Marketing Officer job at Harley doesn't mean it's right for you.
Shelley Paxton 18:17
Yeah. Yeah. And just because you've got it doesn't mean makes you happy? Yes. Right. And somebody said that to me as I was like, going through this epic struggle, and I was like, That's right. Like, just because you made it to this particular top of this particular mountains, doesn't mean it makes you happy. And that's the hard work. And so here's what I did what I because I'm creative, and I'm a marketer, and it's what I do. I was like, I was going to bed wrestling with this idea of how do I explain to people what I'm doing, because I'm not. I didn't know if I was putting corporate forever. I knew I wasn't going on an extended holiday. I knew I wasn't taking a traditional sabbatical. So I'm like, What am I doing? How am I going to explain to people because I was so tired of telling my story again and again and having people go like,
Sarah Milken 19:14
you're fucking nuts. Yeah. batshit crazy, Shelly.
Shelley Paxton 19:18
Aha, batshit crazy, Shelly all over again. And one morning I woke up it was it was like a divine download. It was a gift. And I was like, oh, five chief soul Officer of my life.
Sarah Milken 19:33
So good, jelly. So good. Thank
Shelley Paxton 19:37
you. And in those days, and honestly, I still wear that title proudly that I have decided when I created my business called sabbatical. I was like, I'm Chief soul officer, because for the rest of my life, and I invite every single person listening to this right now to christen yourself, Crown yourself with the title chief Soloff. Because what it really means is that we're a badass, you're a badass, who takes responsibility, right for the direction of your life. Right, and you live it more authentically, more courageously, and more purposefully. And it's beautiful. It's in alignment with your truth.
Sarah Milken 20:22
I think the reason why it resonates with me so much is like, as a mom, like of, you know, being a, quote, stay at home mom for 17 years, I find and I know a lot of other moms who are listening can resonate with this is a lot of times people you go to a dinner party, they're like, What do you do? And like, the first response is, I'm just a mom, because you you can't say on the Chief Marketing Officer at Harley, because you're not, but you say, I'm just a mom, because you feel like you need an answer. You need a label. Yeah. So what I love about that is it's like saying, Hey, I'm just being me. And whether that's doing yoga three times a day and walking on the beach and walking my dog, or it's being the Chief Marketing Officer of Harley, it doesn't matter what it is, you're just doing you.
Shelley Paxton 21:11
And to me, that's exactly what it means to be chief soul Officer of your life means I'm living life on my terms. And no one else is, I'm living a life. That's true to my values. What's important to me and my, in my essence, and so hand in hand with that. I'm like, Okay, I'm the Chief soul Officer of my life, because I was such a title whore label whore. Yeah, that time that it was really important to me to have a title to hang on to because I knew I would honor it. If I gave myself what sounded like a big important, but kind of different titles. And then that's when the title, that's when the concept of sabbatical popped up, I thought, oh, that's what I'm doing. What I'm doing is going on this journey, to honor to reconnect with my creative soul, to really understand what she's all about and who I am outside of this 26 year career that's entirely defined to me. And I don't know how long this little journey is going to be. I don't know if I'm going to boomerang back into the corporate world. I'm not sure what that's gonna look like. But to me at the time, what full radical meant is that I'm going to take that break, and honor that soul journey and do the hard work to get there and to know me.
Sarah Milken 22:40
I love that. Yeah.
Shelley Paxton 22:42
And honestly, Sarah, what's so interesting now, is that I just I posted this, I don't know, a couple of months ago on Instagram, I was like, how would I talk about sabbatical? Now, because I've been on this journey. For five years, I've written a book, I created this movement to liberate a billion souls, which is essentially each one of us becoming Chief soul Officer of our lives and like ripping off the shackles of should and living life on our own terms. That's what it is. And I wrote this definition. I was like, actually, sabbatical doesn't mean like, you're leaving your job. sabbatical is about finding yourself. And at the end of the day, it's a way of being that's in full alignment with who you are. And it's creating a life that supports that. So it's not about leaving a job or taking a break or anything. I now fully understand that every one of us can live sabbatical not take a sabbatical. And I think that's an important distinction is because
Sarah Milken 23:43
I know you make this sort of parallel to the Eat to Liz Gilbert's Eat, Pray Love. And you say, my journey is different from that. Tell us about that.
Shelley Paxton 23:55
Yeah, and I honestly, it's evolved over time. I mean, this is growth. It's the we are constantly the journey is who we're becoming in the process of, you know, realizing our dreams.
Sarah Milken 24:09
I mean, I've only been doing this for a year. So come to me in five years, my midlife remix might have different layers, different lenses, different textures, and that's part of the process
Shelley Paxton 24:22
100% It will, right it will and I'm so excited to live all of those iterations with you. And for everyone listening. This is the beauty right? We don't have to know the answers. In fact, I think one of the things that I've learned in midlife is sitting in the not knowing is the biggest gift I can give myself
Sarah Milken 24:44
fucking hard for control freak shell I know like, was live in murky waters. Can you live in the unknown, but at the same time, I always say like if it were easy First of all, everyone would do it. And you wouldn't have as much meaning and you wouldn't love it because things that don't have any challenge to them. It's sort of like combining like, things that are really hard. You and things that you love, you kind of get this perfect combination of flow, because you're putting just enough effort to feel the pain or the frustration, and then you start again. Yeah, yeah, that's how this whole journey has felt for me.
Shelley Paxton 25:31
Yeah, and I'm in it right now. I am, I mean, talk about raw and real and real time. I'm sitting here and you and I might have scratched the surface on this, but I'm at a point where my whole business I was like, Oh, I sort of accidentally Yes, I started this movement, because I was trying to answer these questions for myself in this life. And I tripped into it. And people were like, oh, wait a second. She's not batshit crazy. after all. She's on to something really interesting. She is saying Enough of this bullshit enough of living my life on everyone else's terms and frankly, enough of living my dad's dream because that's what I was doing. And I don't say this in a flip way. I have no regrets for the career that I had. It served me so well. And it brought me around the world
Sarah Milken 26:25
interesting. Shelley, it like, this keeps coming up as a theme in a lot of my episodes is this idea of living in seasons, you know, and it's like, I knew I didn't know when I was getting my PhD that I was going to be a stay at home mom. And then when I was a stay at home mom, I didn't know what I was going to do next, but each season like living life in seasons is so juicy because you get to do different things along the way. Like I don't regret being a stay at home mom, I wouldn't have changed that for the world. But that was a certain season of my life. And this next season is like approaching empty nest. And the midlife REMAX and like figuring out what's next for me in this next midlife season. Yes. And then I'll get to my next season of like living in Florida, in an old age home with you playing you know,
Shelley Paxton 27:21
more. I hope so.
Sarah Milken 27:23
I mean, honestly.
Shelley Paxton 27:25
Yeah. I love that too. And it is exactly how I think about my life. But honestly, I didn't have that vocabulary five years ago. I didn't understand that. So I love that you're pulling that out of conversations. And honestly, for me, it's like, just surrendering to the fact that I don't have to have the next five years figured out, let alone the next five months, and maybe not even the next five days or five hours. Yeah, right. I am in this place of like, what's next in the moment. And I've started thinking like this big, I don't know if it's a pivot, or it's transitioning into the next season of what I want to be what sabbatical wants to be. What's next. What's book number two, all the things. And I've started thinking about myself as an artist, and it said it was prompted by a conversation. I was recently in Baja, Mexico at the modern elder Academy, which every mid lifer needs to check out. I
Sarah Milken 28:23
saw that on Instagram.
Shelley Paxton 28:25
Yes. And it was prompted by one of the founders saying to me, like, you know, I was I was telling him how, like how curious and fascinated I was by this guy I had met down there who's an artist and I was like, I just love hearing him talk about his process and his curiosity and his discovery and his exploration. And I'm so confused about my life and my business and what the model should be, and the breeding a billion souls and I got so overwhelmed in the moment, and he was like, surely, what is the role of an artist and like, Well, I mean, really, at the end of the day, an artist shifts consciousness, you know, around maybe how we see our world, how we think about culture, maybe how we rewrite the script of success. Yeah. And he looked at me and he's like, What if you're simply an artist, who's shifting our consciousness around how we think about success, especially now in this hopefully soon to be post pandemic world. Yeah. And it was beautiful, like those reframes are powerful, because all of a sudden, it took all of this pressure off of me to think I had to have like, the perfect business model and do it a certain way. And whatever he's like, your art can manifest in any way that feels joyful to you, and that lights you up. So it's a book and it's your podcast, and who knows what the next iteration is speaking on a stage, whatever it is, was really beautiful. Yeah,
Sarah Milken 29:55
I totally see that because I feel like even in just creating This podcast like, I'm a very creative person, but I can't actually paint or like make, you don't mean that I can think of how I want things to look. But I can't actually like implement them. But in such a fascinating way this podcast has been such a creative expression for me, it is because it has so many elements of me in it. And I that's one thing that I want people who are listening to take from this is, sometimes you don't know what it is you want. A lot of the time you don't know what it is. But when you stop and you think about like, the things that you love to do, or the things that you're good at. So like I have a lot of friends who are really good at cooking. Or they're really good at you know, making sort of holiday meals and the whole setup. I'm the worst at all of those. I am the worst Pinterest wife the worst Pinterest Mom, I've failed every single one of those categories. But I so appreciate other people who have those skill sets, like Pamela Salzman, like, oh my god, I'm like, she was my second podcast guests. I'm like, How the fuck does she do that she makes these gorgeous meals for her kids and her family and her friends. She plans it out all a week in advance. But my point is, is so many of us have those skills. And like Pamela didn't wake up one day and was like, Oh, I'm going to start a whole online cooking experience. It's like she started teaching a class in mid life at a school, a garden, a class, and then there's studying vegetables. And then it turned into, Oh, can you substitute in a cooking class? Because the regular teacher isn't there. She had never done it. And she was like, Oh, I'm kind of scared. And they were like, come on Pamela. And she was like, Okay, fuck it scared and doing it anyway. So it's like, kind of finding these little moments in ourselves that we love to do not everything is going to be like a Forbes 400 company idea.
Shelley Paxton 31:59
No.
Sarah Milken 32:00
It's like, if you're like good at making photo albums, or like, whatever it is, that brings you joy, where you wake up in the morning, you're like, I want to fucking do that.
Shelley Paxton 32:12
Until you don't write until you don't
Sarah Milken 32:16
leave soon as I hate this podcast, I'm done.
Shelley Paxton 32:19
Yeah. As you should be, right, like what lights you up?
Sarah Milken 32:24
Like, I already went to high school in college, I checked those boxes. Those were like, you know, personal requirements. But now in midlife, the beauty of it is we get permission to do whatever the fuck we want to do.
Shelley Paxton 32:34
Right? Yeah, well, 100%. And let's be honest, we've always had that permission. I know. And now it's our time to seize the reins like permission is I think you and I talked about this on my podcast. It's like capital P permission needs to be front and center for everyone. I have these I've yellow posted or orange posted notes. For post it notes. Oh, my God, my orange post it notes every day I write myself permission slips. Yes. So here's the thing, right? Like, if you need a front and center reminder that we we get to give ourselves permission, we don't ask for permission. You know, write yourself one of these and say, What do I need to do? Or not do or feel today, in order to be my most badass powerful self? And make that list? Give yourself that permission? Because it is really hard like this permission in practice, right? Practice is another one of those things like we'll do it on a daily basis, we can build the permission before.
Sarah Milken 33:39
Yeah, no, it's sort of like taking small steps. It's like you take a small step, you have a little success. You want to do it again. And like, as you know, with this whole midlife remix sabbatical thing, finding what makes you feel good. There are days where you're like, I'm fucking nailing it like I flow. This is awesome. And there's some days where you're like, Oh, it's so hard. But when you know that everyone else is in the same boat. It's normalizing. And I think that that's part of the beauty of this podcast is and I think people enjoy is that there's a relatability factor. It's like, okay, things are fucking hard and midlife things are fucking great in midlife, people like Sarah and Shelly are doing it. And they're showing their vulnerabilities and how clunky it can feel sometimes. And I think vulnerability is like another key thing that's part of this whole life, journey. Midlife journey for all of us. And I know it's a big thing for you, and your obsession with Brene Brown like me, I mean, who who's not obsessed with Brene Brown? Oh, I
Shelley Paxton 34:52
have her new book in the other room. Oh, good. I'm almost done with her Apple Atlas of the heart. Everybody read it. Plug Atlas of the heart her new book so friggin No, I
Sarah Milken 35:03
haven't gotten mine yet. Oh, Amazon Maria.
Shelley Paxton 35:06
I know, I know. Well, and can I just say like in the spirit of being vulnerable, right? I mean, Brene always says, like, you can't have courage without vulnerability. Vulnerability is the most beautiful act of courage. It says, like, I'm putting myself out there. And I've been I've honestly am about to record a solo episode about how I've been really in struggle around. What does this next season of my life and my business want to be? It's the growing pain. And I think we are we are called to share that because that's where the deep human connection happens. To your point. It's like, that's where all of us is mid lifers, yeah, and fucking sexy mid lifers that's so sexy, hello, get to come together and find each other because of those relatable stories. And if we're not sharing the good, the bad and the ugly, it's hard to connect it. So that's what I love about what you're doing. And what I'm doing and what our you know, our soul posses doing is that we are out there sharing those stories saying like, yeah, we are normalizing
Sarah Milken 36:18
crying on Instagram every day to show how relatable you are. But it's like, Hey, I'm like a real person to like, some days, I want to fucking kill my kids. And some days, I'm like, Wow, you're amazing. And, like, love my husband. And other days. I'm like, it'll get away from me. Oh, those are all real life
Shelley Paxton 36:39
feeling? Well, and it's really important. And you know, this, when I wrote my book, I made a pledge to myself and every single beautiful soul who was going to read this book doesn't matter how many people that that was, his will be that I was going to not tell some polished, pretty story, because it would have been really easy for me to tell a story that was kind of through rose colored glasses of, you know, having this glamorous job and all the things and yeah, I'm honest about those pieces. But it was about diving deep into what was really going on behind that shiny veneer with a hot mess at times inside of what I was experiencing and not feeling like I could talk to anybody around me out, you know about it. Not feeling like I could ask for help. And so, you know, this is the other thing that I want to say and I think it's so important in midlife is find your people got support on this journey. And that yeah, don't be afraid to ask for help. Ask the I had to learn the hard way. I tried to take my life, my own life 12 years ago, because I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. And now I understand that it's a sign of strength. And that's why I've curated people like you, in a community around me and we support and hold each other, if through the good, the bad and the ugly. 2020 was the year that shook us. 2021 was the year of the Great Awakening, where most of us were forced to realize like what matters and what is not serving me anymore in my life. And 2022 is finally the year of the revolution, we get to rewrite the script of success on our terms. And I invite everybody to take this opportunity now. I think that's, you know, especially in midlife, like, this is our invitation in Big Gold.
Sarah Milken 38:47
Huge gold letters, I think but I also think that's overwhelming in a way because you're sort of like, whoa, what do I do now? What do I do next? And you You also don't want to be a shit disturber and a lot of soul battle work and midlife reinvention work is shit disturbing. It's not necessarily negative. It's just like, hey, guys, hey, family. Hey, kids, Kay husband, I'm gonna do things a little differently around here. I'm not going to be available for every text. You know what, Jake, you fucking forgot your baseball clothes, but I'm recording a podcast like I can't bring your baseball clothes to school. You know, and that was a really big shift. And I sort of disturb for lack of a better word, you know, the sort of framework of my family for a minute. But I think the beauty in that too is that I think some way I mean, a lot of us are people pleasers. Let's be on Yes. I want to keep the peace. We don't want to say to our husbands that we're not happy with this or happy with that. We don't want to say it to ourselves, but at a certain point in midlife, you do have to become a shit disturber because midlife reinvent can only be done by you. Only only. And that's what's so beautiful hard fucking annoying about it. Like you want to go on Amazon and get that box that's like Shell heart for, but it doesn't exist.
Shelley Paxton 40:18
Yeah, download now, right?
Sarah Milken 40:19
Yeah, like that's what I want. It's so interesting. So
Shelley Paxton 40:23
I go back to the definition of Chief soul officer which says you are a badass who takes responsibility for the direction of your life. And I'm somebody who believes we are the conscious creators of our experience. And it might only be my experience right now in this next minute talking to you. Okay, but so much of that has to do with and here's the other thing like this is, you know, I love Tim Ferriss, I think asks on his podcast, like, if you could have a billboard, what would you put on your billboard? And one of the things there are two things I would say one is, every badass accomplishment is a series of tiny steps. Take the next tiny step, because it is overwhelming to think about, like, if you had told me in September of 2016, when I was taking the first step out of the door of Harley with like two boxes of like motorcycle memorabilia vibe, be like an author of podcaster leading a movement and living life the way I am today, I would have dropped all of it rolled over and just fucking laughed hysterically for 20 minutes and had been like I couldn't even imagine. None of this was on my radar. The only thing that was close was I always thought I wanted to write a book at some time. I didn't know when that was going to happen. And I was going to wait for the the inspiration of that nudge, like, Oh, this is the story. And this is the time. So we can't imagine it. The only thing I could imagine in that moment was I needed to take that time for myself, I needed to invest in the possibility of my future self and in the connection with my soul. And that was going to give me a little breadcrumb to lead me to the next step. And when I listened more deeply, I was going to get the next breadcrumb, and then those were constantly opening doors and portals that led me here five years later, I'm still I'm still taking one little tiny step at a time.
Sarah Milken 42:32
I think my billboard would say midlife reinvention is your responsibility. I really love that. And it's not even in a heavy negative way. It's just a fat. Like I waited for so long. Like Like I always say I thought my husband even though I never asked him to I thought my husband was be like, Sarah, I have this great idea for you. You should start this podcast on midlife women that should it's not happening. It has to be you and it can only be you. It's like it can only be you like, yeah, you can have a trainer, you can have this you can have that but you have to do the work it and that's where you have to think of this midlife self reinvention journey is like, you can hire the coaches, you can talk to Shelly, you can talk to me all of that. But unless you are willing to do the work, nothing is happening.
Shelley Paxton 43:27
Absolutely. And I'll tell you and all the time when I'm coaching. I have long conversations with anyone before I will work with them to ensure that they are invested in this journey. And I don't mean only financially, right, but you have to have some skin in the game financially. But it's really Are you ready to take these steps forward? Are you ready to go into the cave and have that dark night of the soul? Are you ready to face I mean, my favorite question of all time is what are you pretending not to know?
Sarah Milken 44:03
I'm so glad you said that. Because that's on my list to ask you. Ah, I think I was pretending not to know that my midlife issues were so strong. Yeah, for so long. I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna go back to work at 35 Okay, I'm gonna go back to work at 37 Okay, 40 and then I'm 45 and I'm like, Okay, I just pretended that I didn't know I was that fucking itchy for something to call my own for so
Shelley Paxton 44:35
long or so long. Same with me when I started and honestly, I don't think I had the clarity of this until I wrote the book. And I was going back and telling the story and I went, Oh, I missed that sign. No, I probably saw that sign and it pushed it down. Right like the universe is gonna whisper and then it's gonna show and then it's gonna whack us with a two by four. Are you listening? Yeah, and
Sarah Milken 45:02
a lot of us get whacked with health issues,
Shelley Paxton 45:05
Big time, big time. And I had the health issues, I had the nightmare, all the things, and then we get whacked by COVID. And then we get whacked by tragedy and loss in our lives, right? With the people we love around us who are we're losing at young ages. And so these are the things that we're going to get the wake up call one way or the other, and you got to hope that it happens while you're still standing on your own two feet. Totally. And we've got to take I call it taking your own bullshit by the horns because you gotta take the bull by the horns. I'm like, take your own bullshit by the horns. Yeah, call yourself out.
Sarah Milken 45:44
I'm the coordinator of my own shitstorm.
Shelley Paxton 45:47
Yes.
Sarah Milken 45:50
For a year, my kids will tell you, I'm the coordinator of their shit storms. Also really focusing on my shitstorm right now.
Shelley Paxton 45:58
Oh, my God, I love it. I love it. It's so true. True, but But honestly, sitting quietly, and asking yourself that question, what am I pretending not to know it's a game changer. It is also the scariest question you'll ever ask yourself. And when you start to just, I mean, just let it come up. Just even just like, journal, just write it or spew it out in some way and just sit with it. It's the most rewarding work of my life. It has definitely brought me to my knees. I have definitely cried my way through a good portion of this. I have screamed my way through a good portion of this. And I can honestly sit here and tell you that even in this crazy like transitional space that I'm in right now like this messy not knowing this. I happier and more fulfilled than I ever have been, I am making less money than I ever have been. Don't think that's going to be forever. Doesn't matter. Right now. It's like my checklist for what success looks like actually did a whole episode on that success is not a checklist. It is a feeling
Sarah Milken 47:13
totally. It's appealing. Because people say well, what do you how do you know you're successful? It's like, well, first of all, what the fuck does that mean? And second of all, it's like, how do you feel? When you wake up? How do you feel? Are you wanting to stay under the covers the whole day? Like, do you feel like happy? Do you feel content, like all tell you like a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, like my husband goes to work. He has his own company. He's like, out and about, and I'm like, Okay, what's on dock today, I have a board meeting. I'm doing carpool. And none of those things were bad. And I would never want to change any of those things. But I didn't have like my own judge my own, like energy like, and then like yesterday, my husband's gone the whole day he comes home, and like I'm working on this podcast with you. And it's like nine o'clock. And I actually thought to myself, I was like, Thank God, I have my own thing. Because he's busy. My teenagers are busy. And if I didn't have my podcast, I would feel so like kind of alone. I did an Instagram post yesterday that was like, choose you in midlife and you're looking in the mirror. Do you remember who you are now what you look like now? Like, I have brown spots? I have wrinkles? Fuckit we all have that? Like, do you remember who you are? Because so much of our lives, we've been living other people's narratives or taking care of our children or putting our shit to the side that we sort of lose track of that. And I think a lot of people were like, oh my god, I actually have no fucking idea. And there's no judgment and that because I'm there too. We all are. But it's just recognizing it and then figuring out what your small steps are to getting to that feeling that you want to be at of like, Hey, I love this life. I love what I'm doing here.
Shelley Paxton 49:09
Yeah, and give yourself a few minutes 30 minutes there's I worked with a group of C suite women and one of them I told her that I love this concept of meetings meaning capital m capital he like put time on your calendar, even if it's 30 minutes a day. That's your time and your time alone and then ask yourself in that moment, what serves me best. This is how you get to know yourself again. And you can do it in 30 minute increments. All at me 30
Sarah Milken 49:38
That's good one. We did not talk about the Fuckit font.
Shelley Paxton 49:41
Oh shit. Okay, so the quick I'll do the quick the quick explanation. So the fuck you fun came about because of the name. That's okay. It doesn't matter. It's all the same but the it came about because I talked about the divorce and the divorce was financial devastating for me, I was the breadwinner in the relationship. The divorce got ugly, it didn't wipe me out. But like, at least half of my retirement was gone. A big chunk of anything that I had in the world was gone at 39. And it felt really scary to me. And so part of Harley was like, I wanted to make myself you know, like, brace my rebel soul again, and make myself whole from a financial perspective. And in doing that, I hired a financial advisor, and I said, Listen, I want to create this thing called the fuck you fund because I don't know like, I now understand that nothing is guaranteed. My life's not guaranteed a marriage is not guaranteed a job is not guaranteed. None of it's a guaranteed, right, we know this. So I want to fuck you fun that says, you know, fuck you to my ex for what you did to me, and fuck you to a future that's anything less than fulfilling. And if I want to pull the ripcord on this, fuck you fun, I'm going to come to you and say, I don't feel fulfilled. And I need to use this as my little nest to give me some runway to figure something out. And little did I know how precious that was gonna be. And I was gonna pull the ripcord six years later from Harley and say, It's time I need to use that cushion. And so I tell people really, honestly, if I was not living hand to mouth, I was also not wealthy. And I am not a trust fund baby and all the things I had money that I said, if I'm smart, this money will get me about a year, but I'm going to have to go back to work after that. So you got a year to figure it out. You can take it you could not take it. But this is your runway. And so to me, that's like you know, I would encourage everybody create a little cushion, even if it's for a month or three weeks, or whatever it is. But that cushion for when you need it. Yeah, is invaluable
Sarah Milken 52:02
for midlife women, even if they're not working to have that kind of small cushion of if this, I have this. And I think it's something that we don't read that a lot of us in marriages take for granted, like, including myself, that we're not always 100% You know, independent in the sense of like, if this were to happen, I could do X or even like on a simple scale of like, hey, I want to have this discretionary income to hire the trainer for a month or two. Or to sign up for that coach or whatever, whatever that is to create that little spot for yourself.
Shelley Paxton 52:48
Yeah, and I love that idea of like use it to dig back into your passion so I'll sit tell you the doorways for me when I said I was going to go on sabbatical and reconnect with my creative soul I said I want to do three things, get back into writing, fall back in love with photography and travel, you know without you know, without it being a work thing. And so I know travel is a funny thing right now and not as easy as it used to be. But writing and photography were gateways that just like completely shifted my perspective and helped me reconnect with things that light me up and ultimately led to doing this I'm writing a book
Sarah Milken 53:27
I love it and I love you Shelley and I'm so happy we got to shovel or ship today. I know everyone listening has enjoyed this shit shovel as much as I have. And if listeners want to find you Where can they find you?
Shelley Paxton 53:42
Oh my gosh, well the easiest place is Instagram at soul battle with two B's like you said Shelly Paxton on LinkedIn Shelly within EY I'm also on LinkedIn and then go to my website sabbatical calm or listen to rebel souls my podcast first the first episode should absolutely be the one with you and me and if anything about my journey or the book sounds interesting, the book is sold radical a corporate rebels guide to finding your best life you can find it anywhere.
Sarah Milken 54:14
Love it. I want everyone to start thinking about what should they can start doing today. One small step I want to thank Shelley for diving into liberating our midlife souls in what she calls a soul radical and in the ways we can find our inner selves and what makes us feel vibrant and find meaning in our lives in the second half of life. And hence this podcast Shelley Paxton
Hey peeps, it's me again. I'm kind of in a whisper because both my teenagers are sleeping and you know what that's like? So I listened to this episode was Shelley Paxton so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you guys to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a lot Episode I'm like, oh my god, I fucking love that. But then I can't even remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode we dive in with Shelley into what she calls the revolution, a souls revolution and we talk about the big notion of a soul battle. Yes, S O UL a soul battle and how important this is for mid life, rewriting of our scripts. Golden Nugget number one a revolution. Discovering your revolution is liberating your rebel soul. Take this revolution as a time to reinvent yourself. Challis explains at midlife, it is important to our soul to be satisfied to feel that, oh, that that sense of meaning and satisfaction. This means we have to look deep into ourselves to realize what it takes to make us truly happy. We have to use a revolution to reclaim who we are and reconnect with our souls. And sometimes this means quieting down the peanut gallery because there's so many people in our lives who are like no this no that Why are you doing that? Shelley? Why are you leaving your you know, Chief Marketing Officer job at Harley Davidson like everybody wants that job? What are you even thinking? So you have to tune back into yourself and tune out the peanut gallery. Golden Nugget number two, a soul battle? Yes, a soul battle. Shelley's term is all about reconnecting with your soul to see what you are like outside of your career. Who are you really? And for those of us who don't have careers, it's like, Who are you outside of being a mom or a wife or partner like do remember that? Shelly explains that it's not about taking a break or leaving your job or not being a mom for six months, it's attorney to find yourself at the end of the day and become fully aligned with who you are. And then creating a life that supports that. Shelly says it's an important distinction. And we can't take a soul battle without asking these questions. We have to actually live the sabbatical. Golden Nugget number three, don't be a label whore. Okay, what's a label or we're not talking about product Gucci. We're talking about labels in life. I'm supermom Tiger Mom, I'm the Chief Marketing Officer of Harley Davidson. Those are just professions or titles that society gives us we're a wife a partner this or that. You're you are defined by the things that you're passionate for and excited about. And sometimes it's not about your job or being a mom all the time, especially in midlife, and your kids are getting older. You're having to sort of redefine what your quote inner label is. Success is not about having the best job, or being the best mom on the planet. Shelly says being successful is when you have true fulfillment from the inside out. Living with no regrets. Golden Nugget number for becoming the chief soul Officer of your life. Well, that's the title of this episode. Achieve sole Officer of your life is the title we should be taking on and talking about, because it's the best one you can give yourself. No one can do the work for you. You have to do it. I always talk about that in my Instagram. The midlife self reinvention. Fairies are not coming to save you. You can't fucking buy it on Amazon, you got to do the work. It's so hard but so worth it. This is the time to take the first step to live your life authentically reevaluate things and try to find a purpose that makes you just feel really good about yourself outside of being a mom or a wife or a career person being achieved. So officer is living life on your own terms and staying true to your own values. Golden Nugget number four, living in seasons, I always talk about living in seasons on this podcast. Have you gotten the midlife issues and you have this urge to do something new, but you don't know where to start? Well, Shelly and I talked about this concept of living in seasons. So like for me, I got my PhD I thought it was going to be a working mom. I chose not to be working mom chose to be a stay at home mom. But now that my kids are getting older, I'm going into the next season of like, Hey, I'm coming back to work. I'm doing this podcast. Sometimes we can't do it all at the same time. We have to live life and seasons. And what feels good to us there isn't always a linear approach. Golden Nugget number six, no permission slip needed peeps. You don't have to ask for permission any more from anyone to do what makes you happy and feel like yourself. Not everyone's going to understand your midlife reinvention. And that's fucking Okay. Bye bye peanut gallery. It's time to be yourself with the peanut gallery getting in the way tune them out. Golden Nugget number seven. Vulnerability is the most beautiful act of courage. Shelly explains. It's important to find your peeps, so you have support on your midlife journey. Don't be afraid to ask for help, midlife can be a chaotic and emotional time. And the best way to get through it is to be open to be honest to lay your shit out on the table. You don't have to get on Instagram and cry publicly if that's not who you are or if it is who you are great fucking do that. Not everything in midlife is sunshine and rainbows peeps, but it's so worth it. Okay, finally, Golden Nugget number eight, the Fuckit fund. I mean, honestly, it's the best name ever. Nothing in life is guaranteed a marriage a job, etc. Shelley created a fuckwad fund as a financial cushion. Or if and when things get tough, she has some money to live on. She explains that there is something in our future. That is unfulfilling, then you can pull the ripcord and use your bucket fund as a safety net and just and figure it out. Okay, guys, the gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it, use it, there are three things you can do. First, subscribe to the fuckin podcast. Second, share it with some friends who like midlife shit. And third, write an apple review. writing reviews is kind of annoying. It's an extra step. But guess what? It really helps the podcast grow. You think your little review won't matter? But it does. If you went to a show in New York, and everyone said my clap doesn't matter. I'm not going to clap everyone else's. Then there will be no one clapping if everyone said that you all matter, every single one of us matters. DM me, you know I always respond. Oh, and of course follow my instagram at the flexible neurotic da love you talk soon.