EPISODE 37: Reigniting midlife intimate energy
00:00
You can experience the best pleasure the best sex with gasm beyond menopause.
Sarah Milken 00:10
Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic. Today I have another hand picked interesting guests to chat midlife remix with us. This guest get ready. This is a very long intro. This guest is founder of women's body wisdom and embodied female pleasure coach and menopause mentor, yoga and somatic movement teacher, a trained nutritional therapist and women's health writer. She has been working internationally with women one to one and group settings for over 15 years, guiding them to reconnect to their innate wisdom their bodies and discover their pleasure, power and purpose in midlife. And she is the founder of the community platform my menopause story, a community platform on Instagram born out of her belief that everyone's menopause journey is unique, and that each and every one of our stories matters. For today. She is our midlife pleasure coach. Her name is Gabriela Espinosa Hi Gabriela.
02:00
Sara, thank you what a beautiful introduction.
Sarah Milken 02:04
Well deserved but like I'm reading all these things going Wait, does she want to fucking live with me?
02:10
I'm happy to come you know I'm going I want to tell them to come visit us.
Sarah Milken 02:13
Oh, you have to I mean, honestly, based on this intro of you. I feel like every single woman in the midlife, ReMax wants you to live with them. Because I don't think the husbands or spouses like always understand what's exactly happening. It's like, sometimes you feel like you're in the loony bin and then sometimes you feel like you're so fired up and on it. It's like this weird mix.
02:35
Well, I think it's so important to have our own sort of set of interests right and have our and have it be mysterious, right? Meet our partners can't know everything about what we're doing every minute of the day, right? So I like to have a little bit of mystery so I'm happy to add that little bit of mystery to
Sarah Milken 02:51
ah, I can't I can't wait to I just cannot wait to dive in and my husband's could really get to enjoy listening to this episode on his dogwalk he's become a vagina expert, by the way. Okay, so I want everyone to get ready. Like it? Yeah, but he's like it's not translating into the house. What the fuck is going on? But you're gonna solve that for me today because you're my pleasure coach. Okay, so I want everyone to get ready. We're going to do the midlife pleasure toolbox. We're gonna dig deep with our golden ship shovels to get through some of Gabrielle's tools and practices, teachings and how to access our deepest desires. Feel more, connect more own our pleasure, power and purpose. We're going to chat female embodiment and what that really means you have your golden shovel ready, Gabriella?
03:38
It's ready.
Sarah Milken 03:39
Oh my gosh. And you know, my daughter's next door sleeping like I said, so I'm sure she's really going to enjoy my 15 year olds really going to enjoy this conversation is going to be enlightened. The intention of this episode is to talk about the importance in midlife of finding parts of our old selves and developing new parts of ourselves and we are helping to normalize the conversation about midlife, midlife pleasures waning libido, feeling disconnected and kind of just lost. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm
04:08
ready. Okay,
Sarah Milken 04:10
so in my research on you, Gabriela, you were in a corporate career for 15 years. You were running, performing, hitting career benchmarks, climbing the ladder, then you had three kids in five years, you became like the hard driving perfect mom putting your performance based standards of your career on to being a perfect mom, perfect wife. You turn 40 And you fucking hit the wall. I want to dive in. What happened? What did you do? How can we relate?
04:39
Well, I was thank you again for having me here. I just want to say my pleasure big fan of what you do. I'm here with you by your side to disrupt and mix the midlife narrative there. So yes, that's a very accurate account of what brought me to this work. Yeah being I mean, I don't I didn't really have any role models. I had some role models of how to do the, you know, the mother, the wife thing, but I'm not very many. So I was striving for this standard, this narrative, the story of this perfect, you know, marriage is perfect family trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, putting myself last. And I was also at the time trying to start my, my business, I opened up a yoga studio. So I was trying to start my entrepreneurial career at the same time. And yeah, as you said, I hit a wall, I wasn't taking care of myself in the way that I should be in terms of listening to my body when I needed rest, nourishing my body properly, not listening to those telltale signs of stress and burnout. And so that's exactly what happened. I burned out, I developed a autoimmune condition called graves hyperthyroid which has the symptoms that mimic menopause so hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, and but I that that first encountered with my health totally changed my life around in terms of me diving deeply into nutrition and different body based practices so I could heal myself. And so and it worked, right, I changed my diet changed. Um,
Sarah Milken 06:28
so where did you go? Like, I mean, most of us when we're feeling kind of shitty and listless, and all over the place, we want to go under the covers and hide, some of us fall into sort of depressions, being upset, frustrated, like, how did you garner enough energy to sort of say, You know what, like, there's an answer for this, I'm not just going to accept this as my new normal of feeling like
06:50
shit. Well, you know, I was already trained as a yoga teacher at the time. And I had been doing a really physical intense practice, right. And so I just turned to other practices that I knew about. So I just dialed it down, I just sort of dove into what I knew, dialed down my yoga practice to more restorative, more calming breath practices. And I basically spent, yeah, a few years, I'm sitting on it right now, lying over this bolster,
Sarah Milken 07:22
Oh, I see that it's bright purple
07:25
was my go to healing modality just lying over my bolster, and tuning into my breath, trying to call my nervous system, because my nervous system was over activated by the stress by the symptoms that I was experiencing. And so once I was able to, you know, get over that little hill, I was fine for a while, right, I was fine. And, but then I started experiencing the symptoms, again, those creeping symptoms of anxiety, you know, the night sweats and I'm like, What is this my thyroid again? So I would go back to the doctor, telling my thyroid was out of whack. We do test Nope, it's not your thyroid, you're fine. Don't take beta blockers, go take some antidepressants. And I just refuse to do that. And so I again, I started on this, you know, I have always been very curious to explore alternative healing modalities. And so I sought everything from your VEDA, to homeopathy to Chinese medicine, and really delve deeply into modalities that would help me and I talked to everyone, right? Thai didn't get answers. It was so I was so confused, right? I was so confused. What is the doctor say nothing is going on with me. But I am experiencing these symptoms. My yoga practice is able to help me, but there is still there's still a lot going on that I'm not aware
Sarah Milken 08:50
of. So is when you found your embodiment coach.
08:54
That's when I found my embodiment coach. Yeah. So I found out that I was in the throes of menopause eventually, right? perimenopause. Right. And I, you know, one of the biggest signs that I knew something was going on was just not feeling myself just feeling I had lost all enthusiasm for life. didn't enjoy being, you know, with my partner, I, my libido was shot. And that just was it me, you know, I had enjoyed we had enjoyed, you know, a great sex life and my Vita was always, you know, on form. And that was something that I had really sort of identified myself with, right, my sex drive, my passion, my sensuality, that was part of my identity. That's who I saw myself. I saw myself as a sensual sexual being, and that all took a nosedive. And I, one of the modalities I found was a form of somatic movement, the non linear movement method which I learned from the renowned intimacy an embodiment coach Michaela Boehm spell her last name for us. EOEHM. Okay, Lila Boehm. So you may have seen her recently. I'm hosting the SEC love and Netflix theory would have to check that out. But that's her. And so she, with her guidance, I learned to come back into my body.
Sarah Milken 10:27
So I let me interrupt you for a second. So when you were in this, did you ever consider taking hormone replacement or doing any kind of hormone drugs or anything of that sort? Are you just strictly wanted to sort of stay in the non medication route?
10:45
Yeah, I hadn't. I didn't even know about HRT. I didn't even that wasn't offered to me as an option. Okay, I read this was, you know, almost 10 years ago, I really didn't know much about the options that were available. I did sort of know about HRT, but I didn't want to go there. I did want to seek natural options. And I kind of already had the intuition, the inkling that this was more about putting a bandage, you know, medical bandage on it really was about dealing doing some, you know, what they call inner work dealing with the stuff that was coming up. So you know, as you move through perimenopause, and your progesterone levels, decline, your progesterone level, your progesterone keeps you calm and happy, as that starts to decline. A lot of stuff comes up, right? Yeah, that's for sure. And so it was sort of a time of reckoning with all of that stuff that came up. And a lot of long held trauma that I had, in my tissues at a deep cellular level, a lot of limited beliefs, a lot of, you know, coming to terms with what I thought, you know, a woman was supposed to be, who was I as a woman who I want it to be as a woman. And so through working with Michaela and the the nonlinear movement method, the somatic modality, which really allows you to tune into your
Sarah Milken 12:05
what feel like and look like,
12:09
Oh, wow. Yeah. So it is, you know, it's a journey, right? It's a journey, it's, you know, it's a deeply personal exploration. And it's different from for everyone. It's a deeply personal exploration of what's going on internally, emotionally, mentally, physically. And you will come up through, you know, challenges and resistance, and but you will also have breakthrough. So you, I moved from experiencing complete disconnect with my body because of all the symptoms that were happening, complete dissociation, so not being present, right, being somewhere else, to experiencing, you know, ecstatic states of expansion. So
Sarah Milken 12:52
like, that's what everyone wants to know. So what is Michaela do with you? Were you doing physical body movements? Were you doing sort of deep talking through certain issues? Like, what are the wats? Yes.
13:05
So the nonlinear movement method is a powerful somatic modality that allows your body to guide you. So it's a movement form, it's a movement modality, and you are gently guided, so I was guided by her with certain prompts. Certain, you know, guidance in terms of, you know, how I wanted to move my body, it's basically moving your body as you're feeling. So tuning into what you're feeling.
Sarah Milken 13:32
So you teach this now, right,
13:35
I teach this now.
Sarah Milken 13:36
So give me an example. I come to you. And I'm describing all of the same symptoms that you just described a few minutes ago, what's like, the first thing you do with me?
13:46
Hmm. So the first thing I would do with you was would be to have you sit down or lay on the floor, feel your feet on the ground, right? Because a lot of the times when we come to this work, you want to have this sense of safety that you're okay, right? So feeling your feet on the ground, and just tuning into what you're feeling, doing a little check in how are you feeling? Emotionally? What are the what's the what is the quality of your motions that name them? What is your mindspace like today? What is your energy like today, I'm just getting a sense of what you're feeling, and being able to name it either with a word or sometimes I get people to name their feeling states with colors or textures or flavors. And once you become you're able to identify what you're feeling, you begin to move with that feeling. So if you're feeling tight and contracted, you move with that tightness and contraction.
Sarah Milken 14:47
So are these free movements because when I see you on your Instagram, for lack of a better term, it like looks sort of like tai chi or something. It's sort of like these like flowy hip circles. arm circle like it, I'm trying to describe to the listeners sort of what it looks like. It's not like you're memorizing like a step routine or a cheerleading routine. And it's also not like, it's just stretching, like you would stretch in the gym, like what is
15:17
it. So it's going to be different for everyone. It's really about tuning in to how you're feeling, letting that feeling, guide the movement, and letting the movement guide the feeling. And then what happens when you're able to identify these emotions and move with these emotions, you're able to process them with the intelligence of your body, your body has so much genius, your genius, then your body's genius then guides you to release those emotions. If you're holding on to any trauma patterns, it allows them to release the trauma patterns into flow. It allows you to really tune into an innate sense of goodness that you always have in your body because when we're so preoccupied with stress, pain, discomfort, tightness, tension, we block out the goodness the pleasure that we all have in our body
Sarah Milken 16:16
okay, we're gonna get to the pleasure in a second because I know that is a huge topic for us mid lifers, but going back to my other question of like, the main things that you took away from Mikayla and what made you want to teach them to other people? So if I'm a midlife are going okay, Gabriela I feel like I'm fucking disconnected. I'm all over the place. I'm sweating. I'm anxious, I'm all of these things. What are like the three things I should be sort of thinking about on a specific and a general basis?
16:45
So when you're experiencing those symptoms, right, when you're experiencing the symptoms, whether it's hot flashes, or stress and anxiety, those symptoms can lead you to disconnect from your body, you're in your mind space thinking, oh my god, what can I do to alleviate this? I'm going to die. I can't do
Sarah Milken 17:03
this. Yeah, menopause is awful. I can't take this anymore. I just feel paralyzed in stock. And you just say fuckin,
17:10
exactly, you feel your you freeze, you go into freeze or you dissociate, right? Those are nervous system states. And so what the practices allow you to do is to come back and connect to your body through the movement, through becoming more intimate with your nervous system through identifying what your body is holding, and being able to move with them. So you move through them. And it's a way of reconnecting back to your body. And so once you reconnected, you feel that sense of connection back to your body, you feel that sense of safety, you're able to connect with that sense of goodness and say to yourself, I'm going to be okay, you know, I'm going to be good, then you're able to feel better in your own skin,
Sarah Milken 17:54
right? Do are there little things that we can do, like, have a massage, massage thought, well, touch is such trying to get my husband to give me a hug for more than three seconds when he's trying to finish this house that we just moved into. And I'm like, I'm stressed. He's like, okay, but you know, like, everyone is doing their best. So I'm like, Okay, what are alternatives to chasing my husband around and trying to get a 25 minute hug. So it's interesting, because I've been reading about weighted blankets. Yes. And I feel like there's little things like that, like, I've tried this weighted blanket, and it's probably I mean, it could totally be placebo. But I've slept through the night for a week. That's amazing. No weighted blanket. blankets are a one. But do they work because of that same notion of kind of like you're feeling held? You're feeling secure. It's telling your nervous system, okay, I'm safe. I'm okay. Now.
18:49
Yes. You're, you're being held, you're being loved. Right. So weighted blankets are great, but that just wearing you know, even just a nice comfy blanket or big comfy sweater. Right? And, you know, touch is so important. So I always tell my clients that it's so important to take matters into your own hands, right? Yeah, you may you're you're turning to your your husband or partner or to a kid for that comfort, a hug. And that will work, right? That does work, you know, especially if there is that emotional connection. So the touch of a loved one definitely works. But you can take this into your own hands. So the healing power of touch to lower cortisol levels and provide that sense of safety and love and closeness and feeling at home in the body. So it's so powerful. So it can also touch can also enliven our central engagement with ourselves in the world around us. And so, you know, I just, you know, you can even start here with me so I can just guide you if you pick up your hands and you take your dominant hand, and you just lightly lightly start to throw your other hand as though your dominant hand is a light, soft paintbrush. So you're making these light strokes along your hand. And then you get to explore other parts of your hand. And then you become aware of the sensations that are happening. Right? That's a really powerful way, just beginning to self touch. You can also do things like rubbing your hands together, rubbing your hands.
Sarah Milken 20:27
It's funny, because last night, I put a tub of lotion, like hand lotion on my nightstand. I was like, I think I'm gonna put that on right now. And so like, and I kind of did it an extra long time. I mean, it was probably only like a minute, but compared to like, just spending 10 seconds slapping it on, I was like, Oh, that kind of feels good. feels wonderful. Yeah. And I think what's interesting about some of these things is they're all They're not like revelations. They're not rocket science. But we don't stop to take those moments that we like, would take for granted like putting the lotion on or putting on a pair of cashmere socks, or recently, I bought silk pillowcases. Because I'm like, oh, that just like feels really good on my hair on my face. But if you asked me that two years ago, I would have been like, Wait, what are you even talking about? And like, every morning when I wake up, I have this like long, really old, grungy, Brunchy cashmere grey kind of like sweater robe that people probably see on Instagram. But it's sort of just sends a signal to my body of like, I'm awake. I feel good. I'm in myself. I'm gonna drink my coffee. And it's like part of my little ritual. I think so many of us are so busy that we don't have these little rituals, or we don't sort of define them as rituals. Like I never thought about my gray, grungy, cozy sweater as part of a ritual until a few months ago.
21:52
Yeah, and I love your your sofa little stories, right?
Sarah Milken 21:59
person called fame slippers. Yeah, I
22:01
mean, that's totally it, right?
Sarah Milken 22:02
I never wore slippers until like a few months ago, literally. And it's like part of this routine. It's like I get up in the morning, I brush my teeth. I put on the grungy robe, I put on the gross, ugly slippers, I have some pretty ones too. And I drink my coffee. And it's sort of just like part of my routine. But I think sometimes, you know, we can get lost in our lives and our days, and we're doing things that are ritualistic, but we don't sort of articulate them. So we don't attach the meaning to them. But I think if we actually stopped and thought like, Oh, I do this every day love me like applying meaning to this so that it's definitely part of my day and taking care of myself, you know? Absolutely. And
22:43
it's it's that moment of connecting with itself. Right? Which Yeah, and
Sarah Milken 22:47
knowing that you're taking care of yourself. Now, a big part of your work is embodied female pleasure. What does that mean? First of all, what does embody that mean? So because it's like a buzzword like everybody's talking about embodiment, we're talking about divine feminine, we're talking I mean, all of these things, and I'm like, wait, alignment, I'm like, are they the same thing? Are they different, like break it down for us?
23:19
So embodiment is what is the result of all of these practices this that's what embodiment is reconnecting to your body. So it means having a felt sense of everything that makes you uniquely you, you know, your physical, the your physical, your mental, your emotional, your energetic, you're spiritual, all those parts of yourself that make you uniquely you. And so it's a it's a deeply intimate and personal journey that requires constant tracking, and distinguishing what's what right to give you greater access to the parts of yourself, right, that long to be acknowledged and expressed. So you want to reconnect with all of those parts. So it's an invitation, I say, it's an invitation to befriend your body and attend to your body's cues just like you do right for that big buzzy sweater or those slippers to attend to your body's cues or resources resourcing and regulating with food and how do you know if you've achieved embodiment? You just feel good in your skin. Right? Okay. Thanks for feeling good in your skin. Right? And it's it's a very felt sense and it's as I said, it's everyone's journey to embodiment is different and but
Sarah Milken 24:33
does it change is embodiment like changing on a daily basis?
24:36
It depending on what you're experiencing at any time, right? So the you know, it's any stress or anxiety or overwhelm we face, especially in this culture that prioritizes productivity can pay us to discomfort when we're not even aware that we become disconnected or disembody that can lead us to disconnecting numbing Right, dissociating discomfort. And so what the what embodiment does or embodiment practices do it, they provide a doorway to this greater sense of connection with your body, and right and it opens up this, this dialogue with your sensations with your emotions to bring your whole body online and present. So what's female embodiment? And so so the body of work that I do, which is called embodied female pleasure, embodied female pleasure, yeah, invite. So we've done some sexy bringing, we're bringing embodiment into the picture. So it's a body of work, right? That helps women reconnect with their body by cultivating a deeper awareness of sensations in your body. So you're able to know what you're feeling right and access, the pleasure that's already deep within you. So access, as I mentioned before, there's always a sense of goodness, innate, goodness, innate pleasure in your body waiting for you to access.
Sarah Milken 26:06
Yeah, I've read I've read you, you know, you're talking about that a lot. Tell me what you mean, you keep you know, you're saying that we all have it inside of us. We just have to figure out how to access it. But what do we all have inside of us? Is it women's intuition? isn't old wisdom from previous experience? Like what is it?
26:26
It's that sense of a lot you can call it you know, aliveness, vitality, bright energy, right? life energy, it's right. What is all these all these qualities that make you feel alive and present in your body?
Sarah Milken 26:44
So is it just that we not all of us have found it yet? Number one, or number two, had it prior in like prior life before kids or whatever. And now we're trying to go on a journey to kind of rediscover what makes us feel super vital in light? Yeah, I
27:02
mean, we are born with that, like, force, right? If you look at children playing, you know, we all have that sense of joy and wonderment and vitality. We all have that. Right. We were born with it. It's that's what I mean, when we're it's innately part of you. And yeah, as you move through adulthood, as you move through womanhood, as you move through menopause, as you move through life, we can disconnect from that we can disconnect from that. So we we want to find ways to reconnect with that meaning, so it becomes more of who we are more of how we show up in the world. And, and that has a ripple effect in you know, in our relationships, in our life, in our work in our community.
Sarah Milken 27:51
The women who are coming to you, what are they articulating as their chief complaints?
27:58
So a lot of them are experiencing the symptoms of menopause, right? Hi, they're feeling anxious, hot flashes, stressed, weight gain, that's a big thing, right? They experienced the weight gain. And so they have lost sense of who they are, right? They've forgotten who they are. They've lost their sense of identity is there, they've been there attached to who they once were, right. And so I guide them through a journey of reconnecting to the body that they have now. Right? So they can know that that body is still they can still experience pleasure and aliveness in the body they have now I'm sure there, there are things that you can do with diet and exercise. Of course, that's right. Part of those are things are essential as well, yeah, it's about keeping that sense of connection and that open, compassionate dialogue with your body so that you can nourish your body with everything that she needs. And, you know, a lot of the women that I talk to, they come and they say, I just don't feel like myself anymore. I don't feel good in my skin. And a lot of it is based on their perceptions of what their body should look like. Their inability to accept that our bodies are changing, and that we need to do things maybe a little bit differently that what worked before may not work now.
Sarah Milken 29:31
I want to talk about pleasure. So in your 20s and 30s, you would you describe yourself as sort of a pretty sexual sensual person. Then you kind of went into your kind of blackness blackout but burnout, menopause, Z yaki no sex don't want to deal not into it. How did you come back into your pleasure? And how did your How did your definition of personal pleasure change from that time into midlife?
29:58
You So, great question, because it is it is about talking about expanding our concept of pleasure and often what we think of pleasure is often sexual, right? Or has to do with the genitals.
Sarah Milken 30:16
It's like orgasm clitoral orgasm. Oh, it's like I know. And
30:21
you know, that's not very helpful, especially if you're going through menopause and you're already feeling disconnected and you know, don't touch Oh,
Sarah Milken 30:28
yeah, your your vagina is dry. Inelastic are kinda like, it's really helpful
30:33
to expand the concept of pleasure again, you know, look for what brings you joy, what lights you up, and, you know, bringing your step, a smile on your face. And again, the question that I always ask is, what makes you feel alive and vibrant. So it's about, you know, bringing more mindfulness to the things that give you pleasure so we can consciously cultivate more of it, focusing on the things that bring you joy, and making them a priority with with full awareness and noticing what happens in your body when you savor those pleasurable moments.
Sarah Milken 31:03
And now, do you have any I mean, aside from your whole course on female embodiment, do you have specific tips for libido?
31:14
For libido, so that's the $10 million question. Gabriela Yes, yes. So, um, libido is all about your sexual energy, right. So I think when it comes to the Vita, we want to remove the goal of orgasm, and explore a way because we that's what we think I can't have, you know, I don't feel like having sex and I can't have an orgasm. But if we remove the goal from orgasm, and just explore a way to connect your yourself with breath with sound with with massage, so you know, as you're doing that global gazing, begin to massage the area, the labia, the pitcher is down to the perineum just start to bring, you know, gentle, conscious pleasure, right. So when we start to generate and build that will slowly start to generate and build sexual energy gradually, right? So you're starting to put more in the tank, so your capacity builds, and you can hold it more and cultivate it. So it's about finding ways to gently and slowly build that sexual sexual energy. And so much can block us from tapping into that.
Sarah Milken 32:28
How do you feel about the connection between sort of personal purpose and libido because I find that if I just sort of feel like kind of lost and you know, I don't have a purpose. It's very hard for me to sort of engage sexually, but I feel like even like with this podcast over the past year, I'm like, Okay, I have a purpose. I think I know what I'm doing. I'm getting like, energized by meeting all of these interesting, you know, experts like you. And I feel like that changes my personal energy. So then my husband's like, Oh, she's really happy with herself. Exactly.
33:05
That's, you know, I find that pleasure, power and purpose are all connected. Right. And so that sexual, that energy that we're building, and if you're not doing sexual practices, the ones I just said breathwork, hip circles, you know, shaking torching, yeah, that starts to build that sexual energy, which is the same as the type of energy that you're doing to create and build your podcast. It's all connected, right? Sexual Energy is lifeforce energy. It's what wakes us up in the morning, and gets us to do what we love to do most. And so it's that same type of energy. I don't see it any
Sarah Milken 33:46
differently. Yeah, I think some of us kind of categorizes like libido and sexual as like one category, and like life, purpose and meaning and another category, but it sounds like what you're saying is they're sort of all interrelated. When you feel like you have meaning you feel like you have purpose, then you feel better about yourself, then you feel like you may be a little bit more sensual and sexual or open to that maybe, yeah, or vice versa. If you're engaging in those practices that will feed the work, your purpose that you're
34:16
doing, and it will make you feel more alive and engaged with life. That's how you build the your, your sexual energy, right? We talked about that. Yeah. And once you you build that level of sexual energy. You're doing it for yourself, right? You're doing it for yourself, you can then start to if you wish, right some some women are fine, just stopping there. But if you wish, you can then explore more of sexual pleasure through self pleasure through internal exploration. And that's sort of where we get to at the end of my roadmap, getting to exploring your pleasure spots, your sexual pleasure spots by working internally, with your hands with your fingers. with one's right I have a few little examples here. This is an icicle I love glass. I love glass ones because they're just another way to get to know yourself to get to know your pleasure spots.
Sarah Milken 35:15
I shoot like something that looks like a glass. It's vibrator.
35:21
I glass dildo basically. Yeah,
Sarah Milken 35:23
I didn't want to use that word. I was like, am I gonna you know,
35:27
it's curved this way so that you can access certain pleasure areas like your G spot, right? And this other part of the the bond is rich. So that's built for more internal pressure just doing a little bit what is called. This is called an icicle. This is called an icicle wand. It's so pretty, that's beautiful, and it feels nice. It's dishwasher safe.
Sarah Milken 35:55
Oh my god. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
36:01
Nick, I can't remember I'll send you the link. Okay. Here's another one. This is another one that I quite like. It can look very intimidating.
Sarah Milken 36:08
Oh my goodness, that looks like a glass snake.
36:11
This is called the cervix surface. Yeah, the circuit serpent has these beautiful rich, he has a little bit of internal exploration that has this bowl here at the end so you can try to reach up to locate your surgeon. You know, many women aren't even aware that cervical orgasms exist, that their body even has the potential to experience more expansive, ecstatic orgasmic states.
Sarah Milken 36:37
When so yeah. And I also noticed that the sort of tools that you're showing me the glass ones, there's no battery, they're not. Like, what's the thought process behind that?
36:50
So I love I mean, I love vibrators. You know, I have one here. This is my favorite new one. It's called mystery buy. Oh, what is that? How
Sarah Milken 36:58
do you work that one doesn't even look like when it was given to me by it looks like a silicone nail file.
37:05
And so it you know, and it has different types of vibration. And you can you know, even begin to do gestures massaging her neck, yeah, or, you know, the my chest, your breasts, the inner thigh. So it doesn't you can drop it like this and give it to your your partner. You can do all sorts of things, you can just press it gently against your clitoris and maybe take it internally if you want. But I find that the vibrators while they're great, they're there. They're a quick fix, right? They're very goal oriented, right? They're going to get you what you want, in a certain period of time fast. So they're very goal oriented. They're quick, BEX, and I don't I personally don't feel they allow for this more intimate exploration of other parts of ourselves that, that aren't really talked about, right? Like our cervix, like our G spot like these other spots. And how have you incorporated your husband in all of this? Oh, my gosh. So yeah, it's been a process, right? By it came, you know, for a while it was, um, you know, difficult to talk about, because I didn't know I didn't have language with which to talk about, I didn't know how to express myself in this way. Right. So it really was about getting to know myself, getting to know where my pleasure spots were getting to know how they made me feel. And doing it for myself first, right. I wasn't doing it for him. I was doing it for myself, or first awakening all these pleasure areas, pleasure pathways. And then once I had a good sense of what gave me pleasure, what made you know what, what my pleasure spots more than I, you know, began to speak to my husband about it. You know, I, I've been studying about my orgasmic anatomy. And this is so amazing what I've learned, I want to share it with you.
Sarah Milken 38:55
Oh, are you ever embarrassed to be like, Oh, I've been masturbating for the past hour? You know what? No, no,
39:02
no, he knows that I have to do you know, this self pleasure practice I go part of it is practicing on my own. So I can then bring this what I've learned into our relationship, and essentially guide you to giving me pleasure in the same way that I can drive pleasure. And, you know, he was so on board with it. You know, he prioritizes My pleasure, right? I'm first right, I'm first and he's all on board for it, because he knows that it makes such a difference to the way we relate to intimately the way we relate to sexually, to the way we just relate. And, you know, the other day not too long ago, he was saying, you know, I feel like we're having the best sex ever we've ever had and like what you know, we we used to have pretty good sex when we got married, right? It was really hot and heavy. He's like, No, but this is better. This is different. And I feel like it is because I leave prioritize my pleasure. I'm feeling more. You know, I've accessed other pleasure zones in my body. It's not just you know, that quick fix. Let's go for the orgasm. Yeah, other areas to explore and we feel them. You know, it's these expansive states of, of ecstasy when you can access, say a cervical orgasm, which is just amazing, right? And he feels it, I feel it. We both feel it together. We're there in this mutual exchange, exchange of sexual energy. And it's just mind blowing.
Sarah Milken 40:31
So any midlife woman who's like, I just can't do it. It's not going to happen. You're here to say you can do it. And it can happen at some point. I
40:39
mean, I did it did. Just because and also, just because you've never had an orgasm, some women have never experienced orgasm doesn't mean that you won't, right? It just means you have to do a little bit of detective work.
Sarah Milken 40:53
Yeah. And it's, that's a huge topic that I talked about in all my episodes is, it's hard to want to do the work. You know, it's like homework, anything. I mean, because we're also used to instant gratification. Now. It's like, oh, I can go on Amazon and buy this, I can do that, you know, blah, blah, blah. But so much of this midlife process is us doing our own work. You can't buy it, like I can hire you as my female embodiment coach, but you're not the one who's sitting there with the wand and putting in the hours and the homework. It's me, and what are you willing to do to make your life more meaningful and more vibrant and feel better?
41:31
Yeah, no, that's absolutely it. I think we try to look for that quick fix. Yeah. What I love about this work is that I put the pleasure back into your hands, right? You if you take it into your own hands, and it's so empowering, it's so empowering that you that you can, you know, become more intimate with yourself and discover that you have these new realms of pleasure that are accessible, right? And I find that, you know, you can experience the best pleasure the best sex, but that's chasms beyond menopause.
Sarah Milken 42:08
Okay, so what do we what else? Do we not cover? Gabriela? Is there anything that we didn't cover?
42:13
That we should have? Or we've covered? A lot? Right, um, you know, pleasures is isn't just genital, I think that's really important to know, it's important to engage with the rest of the body and feel ready and turned on before even considering going internal, that includes any kind of penetration, making sure so this work also allows you to develop boundaries. Yeah. So making sure you know what your yes feels like, from your body before, you know, going inside either yourself or having someone else going inside, right and approach the whole process with loving curiosity and no goal, just exploring what there is to be discovered. What they're what your body is going to reveal to you. And I think that there's so much magic and mystery in that in that exploration.
Sarah Milken 43:05
Wow, boy, our midlife pleasure chests are full. We have so much work to do, but such good work. And that's the thing about this whole year for me, it's like, like I said before, it's a lot of these things require work. But it's meaningful work. It's worked for us. Hmm, yeah. And we and I feel like menopause, and perimenopause. It's like life expectancy is so much longer now. So it's not like, oh, fuck it. I only have 10 more years to live. It's like from the time that we're done with our, quote, childbearing years. If you're having children, to the time we finish our lives, it's so long, and we can't give up so soon. We have so much time to reinvent ourselves to find new pleasures to rediscover sexual energies, find old ones, create new ones by a glass wand, have a cervical orgasm that I hope listeners walk away from this episode feeling like yes, there are things I can do in my sort of midlife pleasure zone and I want to try some of these.
44:11
Absolutely, absolutely. I think that's a great a great message to take home from from
Sarah Milken 44:17
well, Gabriela I've loved digging deep with you. As soon as I saw you on Instagram, I was like, I know I'm gonna love this woman. You know, you got to me through Dr. Suzanne Gilbert lens and that whole episode, which was amazing, I love her. I've been so moved by our golden shit shovel digging today. And if listeners want to find you, where can they find you?
44:40
Well, they can find me on Instagram Gabriela Espinosa and also my website Gabriela spinoza.com. I will be guiding a three month it's a six module three month journey for awakening new pathways to pleasure in January 2020 To solve belong and it's part self study so you go at your own pace so the beauty of doing this this work is doing doing it at your own rate going taking your at your own pace so it'll be partly self paced self self study. The all the sex ed orgasmic anatomy add that you never got it always wish God will actually be collaborating with a doctor. Doctor, she's already Harper who gave me this this one, this one, she's based in London, she'll be doing some of the more the clinical lens of like, what is actually happening, what are the changes that are actually happening to our vulva vaginas, remedies that you can do right medical remedies, as well as hormonal remedies that you can do to alleviate any anything that's going on. And I will do the more the embodiment practices, we'll have someone talk about relationships and communication. So I'm really excited to launch this in January. It's going to be I think, first of its kind. It's going to be a 2022 sexual wellness, empowerment force for
Sarah Milken 46:11
women. I love it. It's like the 2022 New Years intention. Exactly for your own personal female embodiment.
46:20
Pleasure. Yes, making it you're making pleasure, your highest intention and, you know, making sure that you know that pleasure matters, right. Your Pleasure matters. And I love that.
Sarah Milken 46:33
I love digging deep with you. Thank you so much for coming on the flexible neurotic podcast. I can't wait to share this with everyone. Thank you so much. Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listened to this episode with Gabriela Espinosa, the pleasure coach, so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a long episode, I'm like, oh my god, I love that. But now I can't even fucking remember what she said. Or he said, This is why come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode we discuss embodied female pleasure. We learn what it is how to get it, and we learn how to use this method to reconnect with ourselves on a more intimate level. Golden Nugget number one reigniting your energy. Sometimes during the changes of midlife, we feel disconnected with our bodies. Gabriela teaches us how to feel better in our own skin again by using alternative healing methods. By listening to our bodies and feeling what we need, we can get to the root of the problem. Golden Nugget number two, the healing power of touch. Touch is essential when looking to feel comforted and safe. This can be found through your loved ones, but you can't solely rely on them. Gabriela says we need to take matters into our own hands in order to feel at home in our bodies. Golden Nugget number three, rediscovering pleasures in midlife in midlife, it can be difficult to boost our libidos. Gabrielle explains in order to awaken our sexual energy we need to access the pleasure that's already deep within us. This can help us reach full body pleasure and become more sexually confident. Golden Nugget number four, internal exploration. gaining a sense of curiosity and exploring new pleasure in our body can help us reach new levels of ecstasy. Gabriela suggests vibrators can be a quick fix. And if we create more intimate self pleasure practices, we can understand the orgasm instead of just chasing it. The gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it, use it, there are three things you can do. First, subscribe to the podcast second, share it with some friends who like midlife share. And third, write an apple review and send me a screenshot and I'll send you a mug. Oh, and of course follow my instagram at the flexible neurotic