EPISODE 35: Reignite Your SExuality & Self-Love for manifestation in midlife

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We're so busy being moderns that we are afraid to say that's fucking self love. I am good at this. This is not for me. I don't want to have sex like this. I want to do this. That's self love. That's what it is. And again, I think it all comes down to courage.

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Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this.

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Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic. Today I have a guest who is very cool. She's a thinker, performer facilitator, Mind Bender, we're gonna have to find out what that is. Non half asked her. She has been studying psychology for 20 years. What's new is her foray into spirituality which happened about six years ago, after chronic pain took over her life she needed to make changes. What this guest quickly found was that her physical health is inextricably linked with your spiritual and emotional well being and that unexpressed emotion tends to backfire on the system. So she says don't hide from your shadow, embrace it. Let's put our full authentic selves out there so we can connect deeply with one another, and perhaps relieve the world of some of its collective pain. She is pursuing a master's in spiritual psychology at Columbia University while living in her dream location at the beach in Malibu, and sometimes in San Francisco back and forth like I just learned she's also a mother entrepreneur and creator for her own digital YouTube show. Calm now live her name is calm na Bhojwani well done that was a lot I had to get all of that in there because you are very cool person and I'm so happy you're here. Thank you. I'm thrilled to be here sir. Thanks for having me. Gosh, I'm so excited you're here. I've no idea how I found you. I think I was just in the Instagram rabbit hole and I was like, God this lady's kind of cool. She's gotten a certain energy and I like the way she curses just like I do and she's talking about all this spiritual whoo shit that I'm really kind of just dipping my toe into and I need her for this podcast so you're here and I'm so excited. Fabulous then as I'm learning from my spiritual friend are no coincidences. Oh, see? synchronicity. Okay, so in this episode, we're gonna dive into some of our inner work and spiritual health. That calmness says we can all benefit from especially in midlife after 40 How old are you? I'm 41 just after 40 I don't 4020 20 January so I go to body and so just before the pandemic Wow, that's awesome. Calm nah, I usually ask guests if they have a golden shit shovel to dig through the midlife layers and I know from your Instagram you have to have a one or two because I see you like to wear gold dresses hmm I Do I Do I like I like anything shiny I'm like a meth addict

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it's funny because my friend and I call each other Mr. T You know like when you're like wearing all the jewelry it's just like it's or like a fucking Christmas tree one or

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the other my entire family is jewelers except for me so that's also that's also in my blood. I really am bring the bling Yeah. Oh god and usually wear those big sort of triangle earrings and I love that's right i do i do love

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them today I might have to make I might have to make you go get them I might I might just do that calmness gonna share with us her experience of turning 40 and seeing what the fuck to her life and changing it up and helping others do the same. We're going to talk about reigniting old passion self love, the importance of intuition, sex, sensuality, and ridding ourselves of shame and what we are calling on the show a midlife remix, not a midlife brace F calm now, am I correct in saying that the purpose of your platform is to help people find the Zen and spirituality and rediscover sensuality and personal energy and incorporate it into their lives. Yeah, absolutely. And I think this technical way to say that is to just cut the BS. Yeah, that's what we want to do. And that is I think one of the most beautiful things about aging and mind you we're not told that there are many beautiful things about aging, right? Yeah.

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sagging boobs what else? Like hair loss? Yeah, all all that drive vagina do I vagina? Oh my god. Oh my god, if I can drive vagina has been in my space for the last few weeks, my friend that I've been talking about a lot. It's the beauty of the of the aging process is that ability to sift through the BS? Yeah. And there is this sort of resurgence and rebirth and my golden shovel without sounding completely trite is really coming back to yourself. Because we go to we're born into a family, we through through verbal and nonverbal cues, we sort of we take on what we think is supposed to be right behavior and write goals and write this and right. So right from that point, we're kind of playing a role, you know, somebody gives us a checklist, and then we walk that path all the way through, you know, we go through the right colleges, and then we marry the right people. And we have two children, and we put a pink bow and a blue bow, you know, all that kind of stuff. And then by the time you get to this age, all of that starts to lead its own life, you know, you find out you can you you don't have to put 200% into your career, because it's kind of an auto drive. And, you know, the children are growing up and need you less than Who the fuck is left. It's, it's back to you. I know. I love that. I think that's the that is the key opportunity. What you do with that? Who's left in the mirror moment? You know, when people say coming home to me? What do you think that means?

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I think well, let me let me tell you why I think it's so hard. I think it's hard primarily because of what I just said, we are very conditioned to follow a mold. So coming home to yourself is the number one factor is courage.

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Because when you come home to Holy shit, this is truly who I am, particularly for women, when we're often told where too much or too little. Nobody is just right. Nobody is just right. You're either too fat, or you're too thin or you're too rich, or you're too poor, or you're too loud, or you're too submissive to all extremes. Yeah, exactly. So when you come to that medium, and you're like, Well, this is my center and my center, maybe too far left to right, who gives a shit. This is my center. That's where you come home, that it is scary as hell because if you sit with it long enough,

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your world starts shaking, used to become intolerable of the bullshit and intolerable things that hold you down. And you know, if you if you get through it, you know, some call it the dark night of the soul or whatever. But if you get through it, then there's light to be had. Your best years may come after that, right? There's this whole sort of youth misconception out there your best. Here's your 2030s you got a book? Yes. And you have sex, right? Great. You can eat hamburgers or whatever. But I know a lot of people that have stepped through the pain of that excavation back to themselves, and are leading their best lives in their late 40s in their 50s. And it gives me hope I'm still working on it. Yeah, I mean, like, do you think that people know when they've come back to themselves? Like, do you feel like they know that they sort of made it? Like, is there a feeling that you have do you think? Yeah, I think I think you know, we with media and sometimes with stories, it's, we think it's like a like a Sunday thunderclap. Like something hits you on the head. Sometimes it's like all white light. Oh, yeah, exactly. Or, you know, yeah, it's a near death experience, or it's like something traumatic, and then you're like, factsheet, and whatever. In my experience, it comes in piecemeal. And that's where the whole idea of being present and being conscious is so important, because these messages start coming to you more and more and more from different aspects of your life, and you have to be awake enough to see them and connect the dots. Right, and to be prepared to get uncomfortable. And I know that the opening to your YouTube videos, it says Okay, welcome to come to live. Get prepared to get uncomfortable. Part of the hard part of a midlife self reinvention journey is sometimes you don't know what it is you want. Oh, yeah, it's like all the touchy. Yeah, you're like itchy. You're like, Okay, do I want to start a business? Do I, you know, want to adopt a kid? Do I want to have another kit, you know, whatever it is. It's because we're looking for this kind of novelty and newness. And, you know, the research shows that every five to seven years, we sort of become psychologically itchy for the next thing. And I think we also put so much pressure on ourselves that whatever that next thing is, has to be like, you know, Brene Browns podcast or Forbes 400 company. And the hardest part is figuring out and getting comfortable with starting small and being okay with that. Yeah, no, it's true. And you know, what's really in what's coming to mind for me is in my program, we study a lot of positive psychology, right? bazik Poly psychology you might be familiar with it is the opposite of clinical psychology where we, you know, Freud and his buddies only think about what's wrong with you. So this

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is kind of the study of what's strong with you. So character strengths, positive traits, blah, blah, blah. And when you're thinking about what we want to do when we want to put out there, what the research shows is the life that is most most correlated with good life satisfaction, higher life satisfaction is a life that is filled with meaning and purpose. And that has to do with serving our communities, that has to do with serving a purpose larger than yourself. And for many of us, we start with that internal Well, what do I want to do, but if we don't it outside, and I listen, I'm not Mother Teresa, I'm far from it. I do small bits of service, in a way I think is, you know, in keeping with me and who I am, but that is a piece that is so interesting, when you know, when this information gets out to people, you know, all you like, volunteering for an organization. Look how much compassion COVID brought out into the world. I mean, there were there were food chains. There were people in India who were running groceries and picking them up for all people and dropping them to their homes. There were people singing in the street, like free concerts just for each other. And that is a fundamental element of humanity, that I don't think we talk about enough. It's relegated to the nonprofit world, you know, the do gooders, the tree huggers, blah, blah, blah. But it's actually a very, it's a very fundamental human desire. Yeah. And I think that community and feeling that feeling of feeling held by people in your community is also a huge predictor of life satisfaction. Yep. And I think even though, when we used to get on the balconies and saying or whatever, during the pandemic, everyone sort of felt like they had like, a mini moment, a mini purpose, even if it was for those five minutes. It's sort of like, if you go to a show, and you're like, I don't need to clap. Everybody else is clapping. But if everybody said that the no one would be clapping. So it's like, we have to remember that like, no matter how small something feels like, there is a purpose. Yeah, so I mean, so the interesting thing here is in a capitalist world, particularly for women, raising children is not monetized. It's not monetizable. As we talk about it, it is the you know, the hardest work with no payoff. Yeah. Kids love you love you unconditionally. But you know, sometimes, sometimes that's not enough. Yeah, right. But when it comes, I think that's, that's why a number of women in their midlife sit around be like, holy shit, what have I done with my life? Now you've done you've done a ton, right? The Empty Nest piece, though, is really hard. Like, how old are your kids? Again? They're a little young. Yeah, when they're 10, and 12. So I have Okay, yeah. So I'm like at 15 and 17. So I'm getting close in terms of like, the empty nest thing, it's kind of scary, because your purpose has been sort of predetermined for so long. And then suddenly, that's gone. And you're like, Okay, wait, where do I fit in? Now, at the same time, you're hormonal, you're sweaty and feeling psychotic, your boobs are down to your knees, potentially. And you sort of feel like you're not, you're not needed by your kids. You're not feeling super sexy. So and you don't have a larger purpose. So what's left? And I totally get that. You know, I do I have to tell you anecdotally, for a lot of my friends who are empty nesters in their 50s. I mean, they're amongst us people who are having the best time yes, they miss their kids. The beauty is different from you know, I came to college in the US from India, I could see my family once or twice a year. And I was one of the lucky ones because I was able to fly back and forth. Right. But for these people, they feel like they see their kids unreasonable. I mean, they you know, drop them off in September know, their backpack by Thanksgiving.

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There's actually there's, there's a sense of, of renewed potential. And here's why I think the differences I think the difference is how you value yourself, if you have fallen into which our society forces us into doing me wrong, this motherhood I am only mother and this is the only role I have and you know, I live just so that I make, you know, bake bread or whatever, that you know, what

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people are baked, where I can't talk shit, so I'm really jealous.

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So that kind of thing. But if you if you manage to keep an identity that is multifaceted,

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then it's okay to tilt in the other direction, just like you tilted towards motherhood when they were younger. And I think that's a really important facet of resilience is to have multiple pillars in your life. And you know, spirituality could be one of those pillars. Yeah, that's what I really want to talk to you about because I think there's this movement, like towards this woowoo spiritual, something larger than the self. And I think there's a lot of women in midlife who are who are looking for that. Sure, like, who are like what the fuck is that? I don't know.

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Stand up, but I'm still kind of like I got one eye open, and kind of digging the kind of physical and sexual energy that I'm seeing here. But what is it? Like? What are we wanting? So what's interesting is that spirituality has been linked with religion, right? And has put a lot of us off, right? Everybody who went to church and was told, you know, missionary, post, marital, whatever, all that kind of stuff, everything else, everything else outside of that is bad. You know, for me, I was I was raised in a spiritual, not very religious family in India. And you know, there are Hindu priests that lead eight year old girls get raped. So in fact that shed, right, not subscribed to any of that. So for a lot of us, particularly in this midlife stage, we are questioning everything that we've been brought up with, and everything that's felt kind of long, but we did anyway, like I went to church for 40 years, but now I have died by that, you know, the, the priests are filling up kids and all this shit that's going down like, organized religion has exposed its hypocrisy in many ways. I know that many people still derive a lot of benefit benefit from it. And that's great. But for those of us who are sort of left out spirituality, the beauty of spirituality, the way I understand it, is, there is no question that we are somehow linked to something bigger, even science is proving it, science is just taking a little longer, because, you know, that's that science for you, we can take this slice of the universe, and it'll take you 10 years to sort of prove it, we also have a problem as as human beings were, in that in this rational state that we're in, like, everything has to be proven to us, therefore, I know what is good for me, but I have to see a study about it. So that's, that's part of our over dependence on our ego and rationality and stuff like that. But essentially, as as it is about that coming home piece, there is a big part of us that is immaterial, that is soul. And that part of us likes the mystery. And that part of us doesn't engage in relationships, or doesn't want relationships that are transactional, that's the authentic self piece that we want to go to. And sometimes when you come to that midlife space, and clear out some of that time, simply from not having to do some of the things you have to do in your 20s and your 30s. Like we talked about everything, your your careers on autopilot, blah, blah, blah, that that's what you come back to figure out. So we are trying to figure out what that relationship with something bigger than us actually looks like. And the good news is that whether you come at it from the east, or you come at it from the west with Christian mistakes, or whatever, you look at it from science, they're all actually saying saying the same thing, this energy resides within you, nobody outside. And that's just that itself, I think is so liberating. So it gives you that permission to spend a little bit more time with yourself, and figure out, you know, who you truly are. And I think that that's one of the hardest thing. I mean, I'll speak for myself, but on behalf of other listeners to in mid life is that I think all of us are looking for, it's so easy to go on Amazon and buy something and I always say like I was like waiting for my husband or Amazon to drop off a self reinvented identity, because it would be so much easier. But then you realize, I got to do the fucking work everybody else. It's like you want to have you want to feel fit and look fit. But you can't buy a trainer to do the work for you. You got to do the work. And it's the same thing with this reinvention journey. And I know you talk about this idea of vitality in life, and a life force. And I think you have another term for it. Wait, the I can't feel my life syndrome.

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Yeah. And that's, frankly, I think that's, that's a lot of us. The people I don't see having that are people that live out on the ocean, drink rum, and dance a lot of people who allow that freedom. And I don't I don't think in this current, I mean, again, I straddled the east and the west, because I grew up in India and festal very connected with India. But I've lived in the US. I've lived in Australia, I've lived in the UK. And this modern template is draining us a little bit of that of that life source. And you're and to your point about doing the work. And I'm learning this in my own life, because I'm in a very academic program that is all about its spiritual psychology. It's all about what I want to implement in my life. But there's a big difference between knowing it in your head and knowing your heart. And sometimes I have to put the backhand book away. Yeah, and sit down and really kind of what are we talking about? What is what is this particular meditation? And you know, that being said, the tool that has been proven across across the board, the tool with which to do this and to make that connection is meditation? Oh, that's like the $10 million topic. I don't understand it. Exactly. Well, it is hard. But here's the thing though. There's a misconception that meditation is sitting with your legs crossed and

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chanting ohm into the unknown into the ocean. And if you can, if you can, you know, shave your head fabulous like the bonus points, right? That's not true. There are many ways to meditate being out in nature can be meditation and your you know, your particularly for me, it's always been the ocean. That's why the move to Malibu. It only took me four years though, nobody's so interesting when I read that because I'm not like one of those people who likes to get my hair wet. Believe me, my family will tell you I hate wet hair. But there's something about ocean breeze and ocean sound. That's irreplaceable for me, because my husband's always like, Oh, well, we can move to Utah and the kids, you know, finish school and I'm like, Utah. It's like claustrophobic. There's no beach, I need to be near a coast. But I can't put my finger on why. But the ocean is just key for me. Yeah, and I think I don't know, see, this is one of those areas where I would say, do you need to know why? No, I don't. It's just an interesting thing of like, one element of that is so appealing to me. Is it the rhythmic noise? Is it knowing I don't have to, I don't know. It's just there's something about it. There are I mean, there's, there's a ton of research about the ocean in particular. But the thing about meditation is that your particular brand of meditation can be whatever brings you peace, whatever helps you to shut out the noise, and listen to the internal

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rhythm of yourself. And it does sound woowoo because it's also been bastardized and monetized in so many different ways. What's your meditation practice? Oh, I actually have multiple, depending on my mood, depending on my energy levels, I use guided meditation. So when I was starting off with meditation, again, keep in mind, I because I grew up in India, I've had own chants and mantras and stuff like that. It's in my blood, right? But I also have to dissociate from it. Because of everything I mentioned earlier. I was just so disillusioned by the by the way, the the the religion represses people, women in particular. So now I'm coming around to them again. So yes, it does include some chanting, it does include some home. I'm a singer, so I vocalize a fair bit. But when I was starting off, I really I relied on YouTube. I listened to guided meditations on YouTube. And it was as simple as I like this person's voice. I don't like this person's voice. And I put in my headphones and I'd sit in a place and let them just guide me until you you learn to focus your mind in that way. And trust me I'm I have two kids like you I got like a shit ton going on. I don't have all the time in the world to meditate. But I find that even 10 minutes a day. And some days I do it in the morning, some days I do it in the evening. It just depends on some days, I'm just walking on the beach.

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So it's just those moments of peace. It doesn't people get intimidated by it. Because it's, it's, there's no reasonable wrong way to do it. I know I think we're all looking for the right way to do it. Like you said, like we all want the proof. And we want to know exactly how. But it's interesting because there really are so many there's walking meditation sitting out in nature, meaning there's laughing there's sex, the sexual meditation

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is my favorite.

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Exactly my point right at the end of the day there is you can do this while you're cooking. Right? Any anything can can stimulate you and give you that give you that portal back to yourself. Here's the only thing is you can't fake it. You cannot fake it, you do not derive the benefits. You can practice it. It's frustrating the first few times when you're like, Oh, can I talk to my brain off? And you know, has the dog been fed? And you know, why is my vagina dry? Whatever. Right? It's really hard to switch all that off, but it gets better. You can do it. It does get better. It's like a muscle you got to keep practicing and I'll do it like everyday for two weeks. And then I stopped for two weeks. It's like I haven't hit a point yet. Or I'm so that it's a habit. And that's where my problem lies.

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You call that stopping the train? Who said you were like 40 ish. And you're like, What the fuck is happening? I need to get back to me. Tell us a little bit about that and what happened? So I'll tell you what really happened. The Universe told me a new one. I literally I had an anal fissure. And that's a tear in that you weren't expecting that. Were you? Oh, yes, exactly. So this is summer 4020 20 So I just turned 40

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I don't know I eat pretty well blah blah blah. You know there was no there was no reason for me to have developed this condition but basically your rectum tears apart it is the most painful fucking thing you ever got.

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A no sacks what's happening? I wish I wish I wish I had you know, I wish that was just happened. It just happened. It just happened. And I thought it was him.

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rides, you know, we've had babies like this stuff is like basics, right? But it didn't. And it continued for months. And there was a time when I stopped working. When I would sit in a warm bath, and cry, and cry and cry and cry and I literally my kids have never seen me so disabled. I would literally just lie on the bed and say, Guys, I cannot do anything today. I just can't anyway, long story short, I mean a sidetrack about advocacy during health, which, you know, if we have time we can get to and we went to a bunch of different doctors. Do you know that they can actually put Botox up? You're asked to tighten the tissue, but I knew about Botox in the vagina. Yeah, there you go. So this is so I had nine Botox injections, three different rounds of Botox, injections of my ass again, all this stuff that should have been going to different places and doing different things to me. Nothing, right.

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That's when I was like, Hold everything. Because I was also experiencing pain in my hips. I like my joints, everything. And I was like this is this is beyond physiological. And allopathic medicine, Western medicine will, you know, bless their hearts, they will solve your problem, but you break an arm, they will fix it. But what is going on in the system to create this sort of disruption? That's when I started reading and learning about the link between your emotional state your psycho spiritual state and your physiology. And a book I'll recommend for that, for anybody who's interested is the anatomy of the spirit by Carolyn Ness. That's, that's the one that NY SS. I'll put that in the show notes. Yeah, it's a great book. Because if you if you understand the chakra system, you know, we have seven chakras, energy centers in our body, she maps out how imbalances in each chakra, and the kind of physiological pain you will experience and for me at this time in my life, I the first chakra, where my asshole, technically is literally that right? I totally get that. Yeah, no love about security. It's about financial, it's about connecting to your tribe, it's just about feeling safe. And I was not the world was shaking my own personal life was going through some trauma at that point, of course, my house is going to explode. So that was truly I look, I hope you and I do this, because we want to share our journeys and we want to help alleviate pain if we can, to some degree for somebody, like you said, we know if you can help one person, definitely one thing.

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And that was my learning is that I cannot I cannot lie to myself, I cannot ignore my emotional state. Because for me, the messages were very loud. But hopefully you can stop it before you get to that point. And so what were the things that you were able to do to kind of get that like midlife fix of mind body connection that you so deeply needed? Well, I the first thing is sort of acknowledging that this is important.

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I, you know, we're very, there's a fine line, it's all about balance, right? There's a fine line between being financially responsible, and holding back something that is very important to you. So I finally got my husband to understand what was going on being in a warmer climate, San Francisco was foggy and cold. Being a warmer climate, I can't for me, being near the ocean exactly became so important to me that we made an investment that is a shitty financial investment. But that was an investment in me, you need and I get I guarantee you it is so hard for women to say I need to invest in me to there because we're so busy being on the receiving end and the martyrdom you know, all of that I'm the mother I will give up for my family all this shit that we don't supposed to do.

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It's

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more damaged people in the world is not helping the world. Right? Hurt people hurt people. So we need to each of us needs to take responsibility to heal ourselves in whatever way that is. Was that a long road for you and your husband? Um, yes, it continues to be it continues to be because I'm still in the process of getting the messages. This doesn't feel right. Because we some of us, I mean, a lot of us are so put to doubt. Right, again, we're playing we're playing a soundtrack from somebody else's soundtrack. That's that's the metaphor I keep using we're playing somebody else's soundtrack and now we got to start singing on our own songs. And if we're brave enough like letting other people hear them, so I'm still working on

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hearing what I need making sure it's not showing up somewhere else in my body and then figuring out what the what the associated action is what the associated ask is sometimes you can give it to yourself sometimes you're dependent depending on your family structure on somebody else. So was moving to Malibu part time at least? What all you thought it was gonna be for you? It was you know, it's really funny my hair was falling out for a couple of years all of this same thing right? There was nothing she you know, go to one doctor after the other try this try that somebody was like, you know, put your head and put some steroid injections by I'm gonna I'm gonna call you later. I like literally Yeah, it's a PRP in my hair too. Oh, sure. Yeah, so any of that right?

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It just at that point, like, there was no explanation like she didn't even give a shit about looking about looking at anything inside. Anyway, long story short, after I spent a summer in Malibu, my all my hair grew back. And my friends were like, Why did you do your hair? I was like, I got happy. Literally, literally. And look, I don't mean to say everybody should up and move to Malibu, that's not the point. The point is fine. What? What? Find that one or two things that is truly yours that you know is and figure out a way to get them for yourself without feeling like you're taking from somebody else. Or that you shouldn't stop shooting over yourself. Somebody said that a long time ago. I love I love that. That's that and whatever that is, that might be different. For some people. It's for some women, it's building that damn business. For some people, it's taking a break. You know, I've worked 20 years I've worked 25 years, I've never taken a break. My husband fucking hates the fact that I'm sitting at home and reading, but guess what? I earned this. No, I think and I think that that's what's so key about this midlife self reinvention journey is what works for you may not work for me sure what it's all about doing you and whatever that fucking you is and to not judge what everyone else is us are. Because who cares? Yeah, and people are not gonna like yours, either. Like you or your kids may not like it. If you're a widow, or a divorcee, and you decide that you want to date again, your kids may not like it. And that's okay. We're so conditioned as women to be liked and to be approved up all the time. It's that's the uncomfortable part. That's the courage pace. Well, you know what, I love you but fuck off. I mean, I also think I've talked about this in other episodes, too, is you can be a confident person, like you clearly are confident in yourself person. But there's a difference between confidence and courage. And I talked about that, because you can be confident but not be courageous enough to take the next step that might feel super uncomfortable or awkward or weird or whatever, or embarrassing. Yeah, and it's and it's so great that you bring that up because I am if you ask my friends, I've constantly been the one person Oh, you know, you're so sure of yourself. I've always been a leader. I've always been at the front of everything. I am just now building my college.

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How I feel phase 234 of my life, whatever you want to call it. I'm just now learning and I look I'll tell you I'm raising a daughter. She's 10 years old. Good luck to you. Mine's almost 15 I know it's tricky. 10 appreciate I loved it. I

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like back talk city. Yeah, I believe it I own mine has serious potential. She takes out her mind on that. But that if I can do one thing is if I can instill some of that courage in her as early as I can. You know that that is that is a wish for myself. But you are because you're modeling now when she's old enough to see it doing shit for you. It's like, yeah, moving to Malibu part time is not an ideal family scenario that works for everyone all the time, but it works for you. Yeah, and not everything's gonna be perfect. Yeah, no. And again, it really comes back to you know, people are going to disapprove of all sorts of shit. Like, who cares? I know who cares? People don't want you know, women of a certain age to wear shorts. Who gives a shit? I agree with you. I mean, the only thing I don't do is crop tops at this point. I would do crop tops. Yes, I find the right high waisted pants

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that's the only way but it's not because I don't allow it it's just because I don't think I would feel comfortable but I didn't work crop tops when I was 17 either. Yeah, so it's whatever it's whatever works for you right if you're 70 and you want to rock a crop totally go for it. I would I want to come and shake your hand I know and we know and now we're at a point where we want to elevate that we want to know have the courage like I'm I'm done with the I'm again I'm done with other people soundtracks.

34:03

Okay, let's get to pleasure and sacks and sexless marriages because I know you like that fucking topic to talk. It's so interesting to me but also a little bit scary. It is scary breaks my heart. I know. Talk about sexless marriages, pleasure sensuality diving.

34:21

I think one of my favorite and most ignored things in the world is sensuality. I blame the fucking patriarchy because boys are taught to be strong, but you have to define it for us. I think sensuality to me very basically is just the use of your senses.

34:40

Using everything that is I mean, I'm talking right now I'm talking about the five senses right we're not talking about a multi sensory bottles going into the into the orbit and stuff like that. Let's just Let's just keep it simple for the moment. You know, when you were so tuned, we're so lucky as human beings that human experience we're so tuned to having every one of our senses be able to

35:00

make us feel good. Like you smell lavender. Or you you know you put your hands on a warm beach or in clay or something like that we can receive this sensory input all the time. I love every time I go to some somewhere like that's tough and like me take my shoes off, because I want to touch it.

35:17

We don't allow ourselves those experiences women

35:21

just some degree, you know, we get massages, stuff like that men? Absolutely not. Absolutely not right? Or do the Who the fuck is doing that? Who's taking their shoes off when they're on a golf course or whatever. And I think that leads to this cutting off the sensors and this cutting off of pleasure that is available to us on a regular basis. So what are some of your pleasure things common? I'm very I mean, I'm a musician. I'm a singer. Right? So I've got that when I sing with somebody there is like there is a there's a harmony that goes beyond. I love to touch. I love to touch everything I'm not I have to say I'm not a big hugger. But when I'm in an intimate space, I like I love I could spend hours touching somebody's body and having them touch my body. But it's giving, it's giving that movement dance, swaying your hips, part of the reason I have like tears in my hips is because it was all that energy that wasn't, there's no place for it. So now you have you know, your mindful meditations, your tribal meditations, anything, all the shit that we're not doing that eventually, like I said, always comes back and ricochets. So I think I think the important thing here is, yes, does this lead to better sex with your partner? Of course it would. But again, this comes back to your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your sexuality. I went to a convent school. And I was told when I was whatever 1314 And quote unquote sex ed from a nun. Masturbation is a sin. Right. Good thing. I was a rebel back then. And I knew where she was like, let me show you. Yeah, I was like, listen up. I have an alternative view on this. I do have an alternative view on it. I don't think women touch themselves enough. Right? I just I don't we're always talking about men. Yeah. Why are men so like, sort of open about the masturbation thing? But like, women, it's so like, even for me, it's like, I don't know what there's something about being in touch with someone else seems so much easier than doing it for yourself. Yeah, it's interesting, right? Because for men, it's the opposite. It's like, oh, you know, we know we know boys jackoff you know, a little and blah, blah, blah. And even when I went to college, which was a very progressive in fact, an all women's college that was very open about sexuality. There was still many of us there who just figuring out this whole masturbation thing. I mean, the shame thing is you know, the shame does a number.

37:42

That's, that's a big one. I think there's a lack of information.

37:48

I guarantee you if you did a poll, how many people know the difference between your vagina and your vulva? Oh my god, we talked about this on the exam. So we don't even know women don't even know I had to pack in kids. And I the that's when I started looking at my giant because they put it back in like, oh, look, there's the baby hair. And I'm like,

38:06

what is that? I know and then you start playing around with it. I mean, of course I started masturbating long before that. But really getting into it. Look, let's maybe we cut ourselves some slack maybe the penis is just easier to look at because it's out there for everybody knows what a penis looks like. But maybe maybe that's part of it. Maybe and for men. I feel bad for men because the idea of how big your dick is and how much sperm you can shoot out and whether you know we can could also have a vagina with issues oh yeah know what I mean is that I think that this whole patriarchal mindset or whatever you call it impacts both genders I mean don't even get into a non you know non binary state honestly I cannot speak to it enough I don't I don't know enough about it I would love to learn but for just you know straight up sis men and women there is their unrealistic standards on both sides right and you can have you know for a man if you have a you know, four inch penis your your three inch penis or whatever you're like you're out there hiding all day, whatever. But I think that's part of the reason why male masturbation has been such a such an approved topic and female masturbation is not like men need to show they've been told that that's where the power lies. So are you talking about masturbation and sensuality in the Columbia School of spiritual taking an entire class on human sexual Okay, so tell me what midlife women need to know about how to cultivate sensuality how to get better at masturbation and how to involve their partners in it Your husband must be very happy in that house. Yeah, you know, yes and no, yes and no, there are good days and bad days for everybody. And you know, we're both aging Yeah, right. So that there is navigating. It's really interesting. You asked me this question because the class I was in right now was focusing on justice. Alright. You already as you age right. 20 minutes before God Okay, you got to give us the Columbia lowdown.

40:00

I'll give you so here's the here's the thing. Yes, there is a

40:05

there, we recreated a story that you can only have sex up to a certain age, lots, not a lot, there is a decent amount of people that have sex well into their 70s and 80s. It is linked to you know, positive relationships, positive emotions in your relationships, obviously, naturally, nobody wants to have sex with somebody they don't like. So if you're one of those lucky people that is in a relationship that is ongoing, you can both withstand the biological changes that will occur. I mean, men have Viagra, women have CBD, whatever the hell you want to do with your vaginal dryness or whatever your arthritis, I can know how to find a hip replacement. You know, you can still get some good head, whatever, right? You can navigate that assuming assuming you're with a partner that you want to do all of that. But

40:51

what's really interesting, what I find really interesting is that there is a number of women that have sex in their 70s and 80s. declines. Guess what? Because men die before they do. So there's a lack of partner so this is your permission to go out and find a younger lover.

41:07

Yeah, that's when Tracy tutor did Tracy tutor for she has a 29 year old boyfriend like Damn girl. Yeah, well, so that's it. So then the other question that this leads to, for me, and I'm sorry, from adding more questions to your question, because I'm thinking to all of this right now. The other thought is, you know, I was thinking there myself as I'm 41. Oh, yeah, I need my needed nice, like, 30 year old level. And I'm thinking about,

41:30

are we conditioned to be turned off by like, saggy, wrinkly skin? Or is there something innately in us that is that that is turned off? Right? And is that something we're told is not attractive? Or do we innately know that I'm not I sometimes think it's the novelty piece, because, you know,

41:49

they see because like, sometimes you see, like, men are cheating on their wives. And you see who the mistress is, you're like, well, their wife is 100,000 times prettier than that. Man. I think that's true. I think that I think the knowledge piece is definitely yeah, yeah, the new ones who comes with a lot of baggage. I think there's laziness. I think there's laziness. I also think, look, I'm one of those people who thinks that monogamy is I mean, I think we've been sold a defective product. Honestly, I don't think that there is some percentage of people that is okay with that this works for but I think for many of us, having one person to fulfill all of those needs is just downright unrealistic. But I joke but you know, what, I should have had a buffet, I should have had a man that I want to be friends with.

42:37

Right? And that's somebody I had sex with. And it's somebody who like, you know, fixes my like, you have friends who are you're going out friends, the friends that you confide in, totally get it. I think it's really hot. And I think that's where we come up to now. I'm not advocating open marriages, for everybody, but I am advocating for the conversation, the self awareness and the conversation. Because if you die, saying I didn't have enough sex, and I didn't have the right kind of set that kind of on you. That that is the ownership piece, again, comes back to you. Same thing for your ambitions. Same thing for where you want to live yesterday, financial constraints, I get that. But there's still the peace around. Who am I and what do I want that excavation is solely in your court? What are things women can do if they're not having an open relationship? Like let's talk about the sort of mid life pleasure treasure chest? Yeah, what's in yours? A vibrator? You know, funnily enough, I abandoned vibrators a long time. Really? I have a really good relationship with these two fingers. We know each other. We're monogamous. It's like a threesome. We know each other really? Well. I can get the job done quietly. I can get it loudly. I can get up quickly. I can take my time. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I like

43:54

I like to watch stuff sometimes. Okay, after hours stuff or read stuff. Like I like a story because you know, even even my imagination runs out every once in a while. Yeah.

44:07

I think that, you know, the, the everyday pleasure piece is important. It's not it's not sex. But again, it's feeling good body image for fuck sake. I mean, when are we going to stop looking in the mirror and pointing out deficiencies and being looking at us and be like, Hey, I like this. I think you know, I think that's a that's a big big SPS. So it is yeah, it is. It is. And you know, coming back to the Crafter conversation again, I think the pieces separating out what has been told to you, right? Like, if you're, you know, if you're a heavyset woman or if you're a dog or whatever, if you don't fit that mold. Do you actually believe that? If you believe it, you know, you need to you need to work on it either way, but the work is separate. You know, go to therapy, whatever work on and you can't live your entire life. Like if you're not going to love you with the counselors. Right? That's That's what I always think. And I don't mean in terms of other people.

45:00

I mean, it's your job to love yourself, it is your job. And that that's gonna be that's one of my other questions for you. How do you know there's this whole concept of self love? And everybody's talking about it? Yeah, that's a really mean. Yeah. And I actually did a video on this because I hate you know, not hate but like you. You know, there are so many buzzwords, authentic self is one of them. And we're just we're all saying the same thing. They've gotten a little over us.

45:23

I think I think self love is what we talked about in the beginning is, is courage. I think it's, it's going in there, it's making the time to listen to yourself, and then having the courage to

45:37

put yourself in situations in which you can your true self can live. And unfold. I don't know why this is what I want to learn in my in my two years in this program, why is there dissonance to begin with? Why can't we be born as a full? You know, this is me? And this is my, my energy? And then why can't we just be put into places that allow that energy to flourish? It doesn't seem like we are. So a lot of people think that the purpose of your life in this physical body is to is to go through that entire journey to find your pieces along the way. I don't know. But it just seems like that is the path we're supposed to be on. So you can live your entire life, which I think our parents generation, they're

46:19

largely obviously huge generalizations. You can live your entire life. checking off those boxes, you know, living a good life, having the picket fence, the house, whatever, the dog, and then you die if you know I live responsibly, blah, blah, blah. Is that your whole life?

46:34

I don't know. You get to answer that for yourself. Well, I think what's so cool. The cool and difficult about the self reinvention journey is that, I don't know, I feel like by midlife, you've sort of fucking earned the right to do whatever you want, like you said, with, with or without judgment, because people are gonna judge no matter what you think about it, or don't think about it or whatever. But I talked about this on my Instagram, too. It's sort of like, we've earned the right to become self obsessed. Like, we've already been moms but not obsession in a narcissistic way. But that obsession with Well, what feels good to me? Yeah. Do I want to have sex like that? Do I want to be doing this? Do I want to be living in the Bay Area? Or do I really want to be in Malibu near the beach? And I feel like by the time we've gotten to midlife, we've sort of earned this. I know you talk about this idea of discernment. Or it's like, my fucking way. Let's go, you know?

47:31

Yeah. Discernment, again, is cutting through the bullshit. Yeah, it's cutting to the other noises. And I wouldn't I would, I don't know self obsessed is the word I'd probably use self first. Self obsession is sort of like an Instagram kind of, like catchy version of it. Yeah. But it really is self love. It's like coming back to yourself, and what are my needs? What were my needs 20 years ago, got sort of put to the side. But I feel like if I don't feel like it's 41 I'm reinventing myself. I feel like I'm coming back to myself. Yeah, I feel like in my 20s I, because I'm literally if you knew me at 25. And you will know me at 45 that maps I disappeared a little bit. It disappeared. I went through the whole you know, did what society expected me to do blah, blah, blah said certain things act. It's the never war what everybody expected me to God haha. And now you know, now I'm back on track. And you know, God hold me to it. I would like to be on this path until until I die.

48:31

But there was there was something around Oh, I think that it becomes less jarring. If you try and keep up with yourself if you don't have that drop like I did. Because it's less jarring for everybody around you. Because the judgment piece I know, it's very easy to say fuck what people think. Right? And you when I say it all the time.

48:48

The judgment piece, unfortunately, very often comes from the people closest to you. And that's what's really hard. It's really hard when your partner doesn't get it. When you have to leave a relationship or when you disappoint your children. When you discipline your parents for fuck sake, your parents could be dead and they're still hanging over your head. Right? So we most of us don't give a shit about the rest of what the rest of what, you know, people we don't know about say I mean, a little bit maybe, but not significantly. But unfortunately, and again, coming back to that courage, unfortunately, it is renegotiating those relationships that you made, when perhaps you were not so brave.

49:25

And if you're a mom, I think balancing it out so that you put yourself in that time when you're raising your kids so that it's not a shock to them when mom leaves dad because she hasn't had you know, she doesn't love him or mom has taken off and gone to travel the world because she didn't do it. If you can put pieces of yourself into that phase the whole time. Then it becomes the template for the kids as well. It's something that they see if you're raising a boy or you're raising a girl and then be there's not this big. You know you don't rock everybody's world at the end of it. Plus, why should you live without yourself for a decade or so? And I

50:00

But how can women do this earlier? Looking back on your last 20 years, like, what could you have done earlier to get off the hamster wheel? Well, so I'll give you an example. Right. And I'll come back to myself because I think I've actually done a decent job of being pretty self, at least at least with my kids.

50:19

So I'll give you an example of a friend of mine who's like, you know, my kids eat pasta every night, my kids, my husband wants to pass every night and I want to make I want to eat like grilled fish, I want to eat healthy stuff. Why don't you eat healthy stuff? I don't have time to make me two meals. Why is your meal falling off?

50:34

Right, it's that kind of thing is that that a very micro level that then gets expanded to everything else? I think for me, going back to school at 41 was a big, it was a big statement for my children. I think it shows them that learning is lifelong, which I truly believe that it is. Be it was like, sorry, guys, you got to make your own breakfast because I'm in class, in fact, make me something

51:00

old enough? Like why the fuck not? I know. I say that to my kids all the time. I'm like, if you're taking the yogurt out, you can take mine out, too. Yeah. And they get it they get it quickly. Why not? Like why wouldn't they? I mean, that's, that's so natural, right? It's there we learn, we learn to have equality in relationships. Why should the mother always be the scapegoat? So I think it's I think it's stuff like that I have always, because I've had music in my life. So that's always been a space for me. So my kids know, when I'm singing or when I'm working. What are the doors close? They've always known that those are my boundaries. But I've also managed a look, I probably say one of the biggest things for my sex success in my life has been my time management. I'm a very good time planner. It's something so basic. It's not big and spiritual and lofty. But it's are those sort of like those whiteboards that are on your insert on your website? Yeah, the whiteboards have fun, but generally, I've just managed, I just make managed to make time for them. So the point is, with the kids, I have managed to

51:59

make time for myself, but then also be very available for them. That there's definitely been shit that's fallen off. You know, sometimes I don't get to work out and sometimes I don't sleep enough, or I don't get work done on time. It's been your key to that just to make sure that you're a priority.

52:15

For myself, yeah, yes, I have to everyday there has to be something for me. I mean, now it's like, you know, I'm suing your school, because even work like we make the mistake of making work or like me time, like, oh, you know, this is for me, I'm working for King, like, very few people have their work. That is their

52:33

right. So it's got to be something as something outside of that. I don't even think like, health care. I mean, like wellness and beauty. Like, I don't think that's me time, because there's so much pressure associated with it. Yeah, it's interesting that you say that because one of my other guests Eve broadsky. She said the same thing. She's like, self care. Like, don't it's not really a manicure a self care is what she calls unicorn time. It's that time for you to think about you what you want to be doing, doing those things that you want to be doing. Yes, get the pedicure, get the haircut, all of that. But you need your own, like sort of coming home to myself me time, whatever that is. And I think people implicitly understand that what's happened is that self care has been hijacked as a as a hashtag by the marketing industry. Right? Yeah. So it's like new cream, self care. Yeah, rocking like spy Mexico self care. And that that's when we people have gotten a little confused about what it's supposed to be. Those things are wonderful. And you talk about that, too. I know in your videos about how the things the material possessions, don't always, or very rarely bring you the joy that you thought it would. I mean, yeah, that's the that's the thing, right? Money doesn't buy love, right. And self care might get you like a smoother face, but it's not gonna buy that feeling of contentment, or meaning or that purpose to wake up in the morning. If you if you you know, spend money or your $1,000, cream, whatever, you look in the mirror and you still don't see what you like, like deep down, you don't see what you like, and then you know, your shit out of luck. So that's where the work has to be a big guarantee we could do a placebo effect on this right? But we could give you two different creams and see how different people react and I feel amazing with the $1,000 cream. Sure. Speaking like you know bonds that my grandmother used. Exactly. It's awkward for if you haven't done the work to go back in and truly love who you are. And listen, I'm not saying that every especially as we age, there are parts of my body that I do not like I've talked about this in my video like I have, I have like that old woman like saggy stomach now. I don't love it. But you know, what am I going to do? Am I going to beat myself up to the next who knows? 20 3040 years or am I just gonna deal and look at the other positive aspects of my life of my body of my personality of the joy around me? I think you got you have to keep reaching for it. Yeah, looking back on you know, I guess it's special.

55:00

Over the last six years where you have been like super focusing on yourself and getting back to you, like what would be some like key pieces of advice for women who are like, just have that like midlife, itchy feeling of like God, I want something I don't know what it is, what should I be doing? I want to be spiritual, I want to be sensual. I want to be sexual, but like, Where do I even start? You notice? So the two things come to mind do three things. One is you've got to clear out the space. Like a lot of people are like, oh, you know, I want to get fit. Well, are you going to the gym? Like it's so small? It's so basic, right? Well, are you? Are you doing anything in that space? And I mean, when I say clear out this space, I mean, starting to have that conversation with yourself. Making the time, right, we're so busy, even I in my meditation or whatever. Like, by the time I'm done studying for school, I'm done dinner and stuff, I'm gonna kill myself. But can you so somebody said I'll give you I'll give you a tactic that somebody uses. In one of the other classes I was in, they were talking about something called think time, where twice a week, you sit down for 20 minutes with the notebook. And you just puke out whatever's in your on your mind. That's an interesting strategy, because it doesn't involve you know, shutting your mind off and going into some other alternative space. But you can think time for a few months. And really then look back and start seeing some patterns. There's no judgment, there's no task per se, you don't have to fill out a bullet point list. You don't have to submit it to anybody. You just stare at that blank page. And you don't know what to say.

56:32

If you ask yourself right now, what am I feeling right now?

56:36

Chances are, you'd have something to say. Even if you wrote I feel blank.

56:41

And then you sit with it. And I feel blank. And I feel like everything around me is still. And I feel like I don't think

56:50

you know that there's a reason they call it you know, spelling and witchcraft, right? There's something there's something to writing, there is something to learn things are there. And a lot of people think that way. So I mean, that's one, I think the other one that is here and is so hard. And again, we throw it around so easily is stopped looking to the outside. Oh, my friend reinvented herself and she's a Pilates instructor now. And oh, my friend is on the cover of Vogue. And my friend just made you know, $200 million, selling a house packing God, I don't know. It's never gonna work. It's never, because of everything we've been talking about. The Self Love is going into who you are. Now, you know, and I'll tell you something. This is something that I have learned in school when we talk about positive psychology and I can share this link with you the idea that each of us has a set a steady set of strengths, somewhere between five and eight strengths that stay with us. Throughout our lifespan. They may move around in the order but they large, they've been validated, they largely stay the stable.

57:48

That might be a good place to start. Find out what your strengths are. I know we yeah, we talk about that a lot in the show. But sometimes people are like, but I don't know what they are. You know, so you take the survey, take this free survey. So minor, minor humor, honesty and creativity. Those are my top three strengths. Like I said, 25 year old camera 45 broken and like a 75 year old camera. We'll probably all have these. It's some of the other things we're moving at in a bikini thing. I believe that they will be down to my way. I'm loving them and

58:21

yeah, I'll need one of those contraptions to like build my nipples out.

58:25

But hey, maybe there's a market for that right? Yeah, for sure. A huge midlife market. Vagina creams, nipple cream, oh my god, there's got to be some sort of female Viagra. They've been promising it to us.

58:39

Get on with it.

58:41

So I think I think starting with tangible stuff like that, figure out what your strengths are. We're so busy being modest by the humility was the last of my strengths.

58:50

But we're so busy being moderns that we are afraid to say that's fucking self love. I am good at this. This is not for me. I don't want to have sex like this. I want to do this that self love. That's what it is. And again, I think it all comes down to courage. Yeah, I agree with you. And I also think an interesting thing that's come up a few times in this podcast, even with me, is my daughter gave me a birthday present at 45 and it was inscriptions from all of my friends saying like, what do you think of my mom? And just seeing that collection of I don't know 35 or 40 things all sort of having those same ideas like my researcher friend My pretty go to friend my like, pretty nerd friend, you know, whatever. I was like, Oh my God, those that's my those are my strengths. And sometimes you can't necessarily see them in yourself. But if you say to your spouse or a good friend, like, what am I good at? Yeah, they can typically tell you and you're like, Okay, well, what does that apply to? So like for me, I was like, Okay, I'm a good researcher. I'm a good conversationalist. Okay, podcast, and it's not always that easy, but sometimes

1:00:00

It's just having someone presented you. Yeah. You're gonna ask the question now. And a survey to be Yeah. So I will I'll send you the link for this strong survey. It's free and it's really takes like 10 minutes. I'm gonna make my kids do it this weekend. Because I think the idea again of like, what's strong with you is a really powerful one

1:00:25

we didn't do sexless marriages. What are your tips for that? Have nothing to say on sexless marriages because they're so sad.

1:00:32

Well, I just did a video on this right. And the reason I did number two, yeah, because video number one where I have just generated so much conversation. And what's really interesting is on YouTube, where the video was first posted, it was men, mother, men watching primarily and men commenting and they're all like, This bitch is holding out on me. And you know, I was harassed and blah, blah, blah, on Instagram, where my audience is primarily when it's women like you and me really talking about shit, I was the sexual one and shit, I wanted more and blah, blah, blah. And I think that there are so many things going on there. It's actually it's a topic unto itself. One of them being amongst many one of them being that we potentially marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons, towards this whole issue around shame. And, you know, we're asking for what we want. Three, which is one that's relevant, particularly in midlife is there there is also a decline in a sex drive for men that we don't talk about. We don't talk about andropause. We don't talk about the decline in testosterone. We don't talk about men losing their hair and losing muscle density and having like flaccid penises as and shying away from their partners. So there are so many reasons. And it's and it's I will say that even from these two videos, the number of marriages that are experiencing this is high. It's high. And I think it has many, many serious implications for us as a society because imagine that's the template that children are downloading. Right marriages without intimacy, relationships, without intimacy, there are huge psychological and physiological benefits of having sexual well being all through your life that we are missing out on. And then you feel everybody just feels shit. That's like that's basically it. You have sort of personal goals in your own marriage. Like even if you don't say them, like, Oh, I'm gonna try to have sex twice a week or

1:02:22

it's really hard because I'm one of those people that needs to be spontaneous. Like, oh my god, you can't put in the calendar like what's already

1:02:30

there and date night. Forget it. I'm like, don't fucking tell me I have to have sex or I can eat this.

1:02:36

Yeah, I bought sex with you, but not talk to you. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't want to

1:02:41

just

1:02:44

vorst. Yeah, but for some people, yeah, that's what that's what works. Because then it remains a priority then you have something to get excited for, you know, to go. I went shopping with my friend because she had her like, monthly sex night party coming up. And she wanted to try something new, whatever. Right? And the things that again, it's all so these are these are not great answers, because it all comes down to it. It depends on you. Yeah, but you know what's interesting, like, I didn't like the idea of date night, like, of course, I like to go out to dinner with my husband. But I felt like it felt very forced and weird. So I said to my husband, I'm like, we have to spend more time together. We're like moving houses, I'm doing this podcast, you're running your company, or kids or teenagers were wondering where everyone is, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, okay, every Friday, we're gonna meet for lunch.

1:03:29

And it sounded crazy, but it actually has been really nice. It's like he and I both know, that we're gonna meet for lunch. And then there's like, no expectation that like, we're supposed to come home, let the dog out, have sex, make sure the kids aren't near the room or whatever. It just became more about us as a couple. And that kind of like personal connection, intimacy, and like not the sex part. Obviously, that doesn't address the sex part. But it addresses the talking launch. No phones, just us. Yeah, the focus on the relationships. And that was like I said earlier, like when we were talking about sex in your later life, positive emotion. If you feel positively towards somebody, you're more likely to want to have sex with them. Everybody's Murat and if there's an imbalance in your household in terms of who's doing what, no, thank you, me my two fingers like good. Like, my best friends.

1:04:26

naming them Laurel and Hardy. Oh, wait, I bet your husband's probably like, Oh, she masturbated for this today. She's not gonna it's not me. I mean, I went to a stage when I was I worked for a publishing company that wrote erotica. So I so but and I ran marketing for them. So I read every damn book. So part of my work was I would like I would tell my boss and be like, I'm home reading, which meant touching myself because I mean, if it's a good enough book for faxing, you shouldn't be touching yourself. I can remember when all the women were crazy over 50 Shades of Grey D shades. Yeah, anybody like those

1:05:00

I mean, honestly, in your look at it, you're like, it's not even like the writing is good. It's like, yeah, it's a terrible book. Yeah, I would I would like, be embarrassed if my daughter wrote that grandma, right. So the funny part is, is like, it's sort of like the buying of the self identity or the buying of whatever. It's like permission. Yeah, it's like, it gives you the permission. It kind of gives you like, sort of an infrastructure to do it. Yeah. And I think so many of us are looking for the permission and looking for Okay, communist. Tell me how you did it. Tell me how you did it. That's why I said before we started recording, like with this podcast, like, even if someone only gets one thing out of this, yeah, like Kamala and her two fingers. Oh, I'm gonna try my two fingers. Whatever. Yeah, that should be the name of my movie.

1:05:45

My short series.

1:05:48

I love that my autobiography. Yes. But it's up like two pages figure one and finger Laureline Hadith.

1:06:01

You talk about manifestation and about putting something out in the universe that you want to come back to you. And manifestation is sort of like self love, sort of like all these topics. One key part of manifestation Do you want us to know about? So manifestation, again, is one of those things that everybody's talking about? Just like what the fuck why can I manifest anything? Yeah.

1:06:23

Yeah, exactly. It's doubling up as my egg. And I'm using this thing all wrong. I know. So I'll be honest, I have recently started to work with this. And what I'm discovering is that it's not. So the beautiful thing about spirituality, which I think everybody needs to understand is yes, you can be gifted. Some people are have more psychic abilities. And some people can see auras, and others can't. But this is actually available to all of us. So I think of manifestation as basically directing the energies around you to build what you want, right? Some people call it co creating, like you're co creating with your universe. And that's the role that you're supposed to play. And the way you do it, is to just continually regularly

1:07:14

visualize imagine the state that you want to be in Now the key is, in a quantum way, when they're talking about energy like attracts like, right? So you have to you have to feel like you're there. So for me for Malibu, I could do not, I used to have this image of me living by the beach, and I could see the kitchen counter, and I could see the ocean. And there was no pool and in my head, I was always like, well, I'm living with the Malibu I'm living somewhere by the ocean, there's going to be a pool Sure enough, the house that we bought doesn't have a pool. So I literally I literally built this house in my dreams and somehow came to it. So the you have to keep at it, you have to put the you have to put the emotion like this is this is there already like and you have to keep going at it and what what disrupts the energy flow is doubt. But how will I pay for it? But you know, is this you know, the school's good, but you know, I might be all this shit. You got to put all that out. And you just have to put your

1:08:17

pure desire pure love behind it. And just waiting to see, and it comes in different there. Now there's, here's the tricky bit. It comes in different ways. And it comes in different ways. So you just have to be able to see it. You just have to be awake enough to be able to see it. Unfortunately, there is no playbook for this stuff that is so esoteric. The only thing I can tell you that can work for me is have that vision. Draw it, write it. Did you have a vision board?

1:08:44

I've done vision boards before

1:08:47

you know i i Don't they my honestly all of this stuff has been the same thing. So my vision board probably if I look back at it now, but I did do what somebody told me a long time ago is right down on like different posts. That's what you want. And now that I go through it, this was like two three years ago, I wanted a dog I got a dog I wanted the I wanted more sunshine. I gotta Malibu I wanted the ocean. I wanted more. I wanted more structure. I wanted more direction in my career, and I ended up getting into this program that I didn't even know existed. That is so right for me. I have goosebumps every time. So here's the it's the willing suspension of disbelief. That is what I think the most important part of manifestation is, is you can put the visionary me dreaming all day. I want to have sex with George Clooney.

1:09:35

Yeah, but it's the it's the it's the the essence. It's not George Clooney. It's the essence of being with somebody that turns you on or that you are turned on by OR is powerful or sexy or whatever. So distill it down to that essence, until you do that. Don't give it big form. Don't give the building a name and a shape and all the rest of it. Come down to the essence of what you want and put that out there.

1:10:00

And then slowly build on it. But don't you think you have to be that energy too? So it's like you're fantasizing about George Clooney. But like, don't walk into your bedroom like a sweaty, hot mess and expect your husband to be like, Oh, wow, I'm super interested in this. You sort of have to be the energy that you're seeing. That's the fucking work. Yep, exactly. That's the like the like thing. But you know what, if you believe that you are destined to be happy and destined to have everything that you want, it's not work.

1:10:32

Right? If you are destined to be like Prague, you know, the universe is on my side. Yes, there'll be ups and downs. Nobody's saying there's no pain, but how you bounce back from the pain and how you continue to build through like that's a misconception we're not we're not thinking that there's there's a fucking utopia. There are no negative emotions, negative emotions have value that can keep us alive. You see, in Tiger you run it scares the shit out of you. But it also has to be in balance. And with this manifestation piece of this working with energetic these, you absolutely have to, you have to connect you to disconnect that dissonance amongst yourself within yourself, you have to step into it, you have to believe that you are, you know, fucking Aphrodite, and that you deserve you deserve great sex, if you don't believe that you're not going to get it. It's that simple manifestation where I look in the mirror every day, and I tell myself, I'm beautiful five times. It's not gonna work. If you don't believe it, it's not gonna work. I know, that's the hard part. It is hard to it's hard to believe it when you're feeling kind of hormonal and shitty and tired and frustrated. And like another of the fuckin same day again, it's hard to get out of that like zone. But then you have to recognize I'm feeling hormonal and shitty and tired. And this too shall pass the good buses, the bad buses, and we dwell a lot on the bad. We dwell a lot of times, we have to just shake shit up a little bit, like so bad, like move to Malibu or whatever. And you don't have to turn your whole life upside down. But even if it's just changing the routine a little bit. Sure, I'm a huge advocate. But I recognize that sometimes if you're depressed or if you're, you know, what if for whatever reason, if you're unwell if you're just not feeling it, it's hard. Sometimes it's as simple as I can brush your hand prints red lipstick, yeah. Right. Coco Chanel, like it's literally that simple. I don't I don't know if anybody's ever gone out into nature and felt worse.

1:12:24

Right? It is that I'm going to take a walk. I'm going to shake it off. I'm going to put on some music. If you are again, coming back to the senses. This is so this is input that works in our favor, smell something you like, cook something, you know, it's just there's some basic things you can do. And frankly, sometimes if it's a really shitty day, just fucking go bad. Yeah, my guess is end the day. All right. Fuck this day. It was shit. Everything's better in the morning. I know sometimes my husband I will go the status has to end. Yeah, we're not like we're unhappy with our lives. It's just like, God the stage just been like one shitstorm after the next. I just need to like recharge and have it be tomorrow. Yeah. And sometimes sometimes I'll go to bed before my kids. I'm like, cow. It's been rough. You'll see you're going to be doing that every night. My kids are 17 like my husband and I are out for hours.

1:13:15

I don't even let make them say goodnight to me anymore. Because I'm like, Dude, you're waking me up. Like I have no interest in that. I'll see you in the morning. That is exactly what's happening. My son is like you can go to bed and does I want to buy now. No, I have to or I mean, I would die.

1:13:35

Okay, before we wrap up, I want to ask you is there one thing from all of this that you would want women to know about creating a juicy midlife for themselves? When were teenagers, were all encouraged to play into this sort of Mean Girls syndrome, right. I was a girl that had a lot of girlfriends. I had good girlfriends, but I was really popular with the guys. And I was very proud of it.

1:14:00

The value that I derive from my sisterhood, from the strong, beautiful women around me, who continue to make each other stronger and more beautiful. And I don't mean in an aesthetic way. I mean in a powerful all loving way. I know is what's gonna hold me through whatever comes. So if you have and it literally takes one, two, if you have more than that, I mean fucking culture stars. If you have those people in your life, cultivate those relationships. Make the time don't be superficial, get deep, because you're going to need them there. It's gonna build through I really seen that in my own life.

1:14:43

I love that and I think now at this point in our lives, there's so many things that are happening people are getting sick or people are getting divorced your your aging parent. It's like we need those voices outside of our spouses. Yeah. And if I get if I could just throw the book that has been

1:15:00

Yeah, I believe that really started this whole transition for me was and when I say I don't mean menopause transition, I mean like this sort of like getting back to myself transition is women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, very dense book if they find it heavy to read, listen to the audiobook because it's beautifully decided. But man, I have to revisit that. Oh my god, like underlying, and I read I check in with that book. Every month, I just open a page. There's there's something there. And there's there. She talks a lot about sort of the sisterhood and the relationships and you know, laughter and supporting each other's children and raising all of that all of that beautiful stuff. Yeah. And like you said, you don't you know, I know some people look on Instagram, you're like, oh my god, that person is 50 friends or this person didn't end up it like you said it could be one friend. Just someone that you feel like you have that connection with outside of your spouse or if you don't have a spouse, someone who's not necessarily your sister. But just having that friend, I totally agree with you. Now if listeners were at want to find you, I dive into the commoner rabbit hole like I did and watch all the Instagram videos. If I have no filter, I just put out whatever I'm thinking and whatever I'm learning, and I just put it out. And that's why that's why there have been so many different topics. Yeah, I mean, it's common to live a and a camera live on Instagram on. I mean, I have a website. I don't use it very much, YouTube, and I'm going to be playing around on clubhouse very soon. I'm very I'm particularly passionate also about reaching out to men because like I said, I think the patriarchy has fucked everybody in many, many different ways and not in a good way. So I would like to create space for men to grow and evolve as well. So I'm hoping to do some more. I can't wait. I can't wait to hear that. I want to thank you for helping us understand how self love sensuality reactivation of sexless marriages, intuition, and following your dreams, even if there are naysayers and saying notice yet that we don't want to do anymore, and how all these things can help us build juicy mid lives that we're all looking for. I want everyone to think about what should they can start doing today. One small step two fingers right calm Nah, they love it. I want to thank them for highlighting the importance of our personal pleasure and spiritual treasure chests that help us to continue to form our mid lifestyles and hence this podcast. Thank you.