EPISODE 33: Midlife bikini wax of the soul

00:00

It's a full body fucking sweat.

00:03

Yeah, I get it. The boob sweat, by the way is like a real thing. It's a real thing. Yeah, we're doing that. I'm wearing yoga pants that I wore yesterday. But did you change your underwear? No. Okay, cool. That's what happened to me. The other days I had asleep in my sweatpants because I didn't have pajamas in the new house. And then I wore the same underwear the whole next day. I don't wear underwear. Yeah. No, fuck no. Fuck no. But what about like, it's like a vagina coffin. I know. I call it the vagina stew. Yeah, see now that it's not cute. You got to let her just let her be. There's nothing I'm sorry. There's nothing that's going to fit. It doesn't work. It doesn't cover if it covers the covers too much. I'm over it.

00:47

I don't know if you saw one of my posts on Instagram. I actually had like a fan under my dress after I got to blow dry. Because I wasn't a full vaginas. Sweat doubter. I was like, I can't I can't tolerate this feeling but I do are under you don't even wear underwear with jeans. Fuck no, dude, I am sons. Underwear. I just don't know how you do like the jean crotch rubbing in between. This is a good question. This is very important. Question number one. Your badge just kind of gets used to it. Okay, that's early on paper. It isn't and you know what? Sometimes kind of hot kind of turned. Yeah, I was gonna say Do you are you have you desensitized on there? No. Okay, it gets more

01:31

serious. You're like the gene robbed. Where's Aaron? Yeah. Okay, cool. Okay, I'm telling you try it. Okay. Oh, I'm gonna do that. Oh my god. Like sit there. Cross your legs. Have a drink in your like cute jeans with no underwear. And tell me you don't want to text your husband.

01:54

Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this.

02:36

Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken V flexible neurotic. Today I have a rad guest. She's a two time TEDx speaker with over a million views. Emmy award winning former TV journalist, business and entrepreneurial coach that helps entrepreneurs grow their businesses, leadership and storytelling skills. She has a very cool Instagram and defies all the rules of how we think we are supposed to act feel. And look, she's modeling and embodying becoming even more of yourself every day. Hold on to your seeds. You're going to get some psychology business spiritual life coaching and full on fucking whoo, whoo. Y'all love heavy give. That's a good can I use that one? Oh, totally. You did you write that yourself? That shit myself. Holy shit. That's good. Okay, cool. You can have I mean, I don't. I hope I can live up to all that today. But I know that was really well written. So nice. Yeah. Well, I do have a PhD. So it's like, I mean, I'm a half a brain. I mean, you know, I've been a stay at home mom for 16 years. But you know, I did change that you are a doc. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Can I call Can I say that? Can I call you Dr. Sarah today? Totally. If you want to. I'm gonna call you kids. Yeah, my kids are like you're a doctor of one. I don't get it. I'm like, shut up. Let's move on. Okay, your your current. How did I find you Abby? I've no fucking idea like the app like the Instagram rabbit hole. It's like somehow it's like, I find Christina Glickman who I know is like one of your homies. And then somehow there's like, Shelly, and then there's soul fire. And I'm having this like synchronistic synergistic like bizarre explosion of Abby given all of her friends. So here we are today. Hi. Hi. So glad we got to talk about your vagina coffin because that obviously, definitely Claire. I will tell you that I've never baked for a big sell.

04:38

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, though. Yeah, look like it. And that's not a bad thing. Because I have full fucking makeup on. Yeah, you look great. You take a couple Instagram selfies. Oh, yeah, totally. Because my kiss moment my kids love that. They're like, why are you even on Instagram? That's so scary, like cakes, but then all their friends go on and like, which is actually even funnier. Okay, so we're gonna talk about the intentions for this app.

05:00

Episode okay. Oh, okay, I'm a goal oriented person like you, Abby. Yeah, I'm just getting into embracing the curvy line, because I've been on this very straight line for a long time. Hence the hence the, you know bake sale. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but see if you want underneath you see the black bra under the white shirt? Oh, I know it's there. You know what I'm saying? It's there. It's like underneath, it's coming out. Okay, so, my intentions for this episode as it is for all my episodes of the flexible neurotic is for us to dig deep with our golden shit shovels. I'm sure you have many. Great and we're gonna have an edgy conversation that's going to help normalize and inspire midlife self reinvention journeys that I've been calling the midlife remix. I know you're only 30 Fuckin six. But you're close. Okay, you're getting sure I'm getting there. I mean, you are

05:55

underwear aware, but you fucking are getting there. Welcome, welcome. Thank you for it. I am grateful to be here.

06:03

We're gonna talk about how Abby learned the art of becoming rather than her previous path of dashing for perfect outcomes at any cost. This shift and shedding of her old self came after having a body breakdown and five over five years of undiagnosed sickness, and walking away from shit that didn't serve her anymore and all her old narratives. Abby's teaching women through her online platform private coaching and too powerful TEDx talks. And at the end of this episode, we're going to talk about one of her famous one liners, that we are all in need of a bikini wax of the soul. So you have to stay in listen to the fucking end so you can hear what a bikini wax of the soul is. Okay, we're gonna get hooked. It's so good, isn't it? First, I was gonna do it first. I'm like, nope, saving that shit to the end. We're doing some listen throws. Oh, okay. We're gonna get into the how and why of embodying and becoming more of ourselves in women's midlife is so important. I'm going to ask Abby to share what she teaches with our clients and what she has learned herself or living her life her way, and how we can all begin to do so. No more intro for Abby and her vagina coffin. You just wait. Abby, are you ready to blow up some old fucking narratives and stories? I am ready. I'm ready to blow.

07:24

Cool. Where's Aaron?

07:29

Yucky guy. Oh my god. Well, my husband listens to these episodes because I test him because I'm like, Dude, if I'm fucking doing this, you're listening. So it's kind of funny. And he's like, Eric has never and will never. Oh my god. Well, yeah, but see, we've been together 27 years and that's why Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So I've been like, supporting his shit for like decades. So he feels like he has to like put in his two cents and listen, so it's okay. He walks the dogs and listen to vagina coffins. I love that. Isn't that sweet? Why? I know. No, he's, he's, I've known him since ninth grade. I've talked about this on the show a million times. That's isn't that crazy? That's a lot of hairstyles, a lot of bodies, a lot of different versions of myself. I really love that for you. I know. It's part of my community. It's part of the PTA. Okay, so your podcast is called the full body. Fuck yes. Only you could have a podcast called that which I love. Because it's so fucking amazing. Yeah.

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I mean, I know what it means, but I want to know what it means. So tell us what it means. Tell us what we need to know what is a full body? Fuck yes. And how do we get that? Okay, great question.

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What is a full body? Fuck? Yes. So, for anyone that's listening, you probably have seen this meme kind of go around, where it says she finally gave no fucks and lived happily ever after? Yeah. ZeroFOX ZeroFOX. It's essentially what I'm hoping and instead of it being some esoteric idea of like giving no fucks and you're like, that's nice, but I do give bucks. Yes, you do. Of course, but you probably should give less bucks. And the ones that you should give have to be a full body. Fuck. Yes. Like, for instance, when let's say your husband proposed to you.

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I don't even know your story, but I'm assuming that was a football

09:28

game seven years to do that. But yeah, it was a full bodied Fuck yes. With a little bit like, why'd you fucking take so long? So long? Yeah, I think a lot of our dreams and hopes and goals in life are kind of like yeah, that's a fuck yes. But also like, why did it take that long? You know?

09:43

I hope my whole goal is not to have anyone be more like me in the world, but to be the deepest version of yourself. And if I can consistently give you the permission slip until you don't need one, to just go and do whatever the fuck

10:00

You want to do in this season of your life. And that's another big piece. You know, my first TED talk is really about breaking up with yourself. And these versions of ourselves and learning how to iterate faster and faster and faster, so that it doesn't become scary. And in fact, it's like a joyful process because the breakups are inevitable. And so I hope that by just sharing my honest truth, and being me, that inspires you to be you to be the deepest version of you in this season, even though maybe in your 20s, you were so sure this is what success look like, or you're so sure that's what happiness was. And then in your 30s, you thought it was this right, or you got lost in the kids or you got lost in the expectations. And then in your 40s, it's totally different. And in your 50s, and your 60s, right, and we're blessed if we're in our 70s and 80s, and 90s. And I just want you to give less fucks about those older seasons, and versions and lists that aren't even you anymore, and taking the time to reflect on what really want now, in this season, and having the courage to go for it. Whatever that looks like. I love the idea of seasons, and you're going completely out of water, which I love because you're Abbi, because seasons is like a few pages away. Oh, yeah. So I'm gonna jump out of the box here and say that seasons is something that's important to me, because which I've talked about on this podcast a million times is I got my PhD I was teaching at USC, blah, blah, blah, got pregnant with my son. I was 29. Like, I completely thought that that season of my life of my 30s was going to be being a full time mom with babies. Yeah. Which is beautiful. By the way, sorry, a full time working mom with babies. Okay, that was my plan. Because that's how I grew up. I grew up with two working parents, right. So after I had my first kid, I was like, I'm sorry, change your plan. I don't want to leave. And everybody was like, the peanut gallery is like, what the fuck? Like, you just went to an Ivy League school and you got your PhD and blah, blah, and wait, now you're gonna stay home. And I was like, sorry, I don't really give it like a fuck. Like, I got to do this for me. Yes. And so I saw it. And people were like, well, why couldn't you like work and have kids or why couldn't you blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, because that didn't work for me. Yeah. At that moment, like, I have to do this in seasons. And that's what that's the word I use. It's like, I'm going to be a mom and just a mom. I don't mean just like it's only a mom. But like, that was me. My primary focus was being a model. Yeah, yeah. For that for a certain period of time, then I would go back to work. And then that would be my next season. So I'm in that season now of my son is 17 My daughter's 15. And I'm like, what about me? I need to find me again. And this is my midlife REMAX coming back to me. And I love that for you. And I love that whoever's listening, my goal is that maybe

13:11

we don't ever have to, quote find ourselves again. Maybe we don't have to ever lose ourselves. Mm hmm. Maybe we're just consistently

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discovering deeper versions of ourselves, and giving ourselves room to explore what it means to be human. And why is that so wrong? And I think there's this narrative that I'm just really not available for where women are still essentially transactional. Here's what I mean by that.

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We are only seen, heard, loved valued when we have some title. Yeah, so it's what can you do for me, instead of like, well, who's Dr. Sarah, away from being a mother, away from being a doctor, away from being a professor away from being a wife, and a daughter and a friend, a sister, a CEO, and an author and a pot? Literally, the list goes on and on and on. I'm not available. And this is a big part of what I speak about, you know, you get to take up more room on the page of your life. You get to write narratives. I'm really sorry, but I'm really tired of like this. You were the main character. It feels a little Girlboss energy. Yeah, really not my shit. Here's what I here's what I am, though, is like, I mean, separate from any transaction I give you. I'm not somebody's daughter. I'm not somebodies wife. I'm not somebody's mother. I'm not somebodies boss or CEO or coach.

14:50

Those are ways that I express myself.

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But I me unto me, I'm sovereign unto myself.

15:00

And so I can't quote, lose or find me.

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I think that I didn't know though in my 20s that was even on the menu, right, explain it this way that I feel like a lot of women especially well intentioned, hand down the menu they were given. And so you get this menu and you're like, Okay, so like, we're gonna start with chips and salsa. Fantastic. And then like, we get to have a burrito or an enchilada or tacos, right? And like, maybe a spicy mark, get crazy. Yeah. And like, That's it, and you get handed this menu. And so you're like, Okay, from another well intentioned person who seems to be very full and happy and says, This is a good place. So you're like, okay, cool. And you read the menu, and you order your life.

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And then, hopefully, in your 30s, maybe in your 40s, and we sure as fuck hope by your 50s, you realize that that menu that was very well intentioned from a friend who was just trying to recommend a good place to you, there are pages stuck together. There's more on the menu. There's more options. Yeah, they didn't know they weren't trying to, like, be dubious, and like, hide something from you. They didn't know either. But there's so much more on this menu. Like for me, I had to sit with a really

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heavy conversation that I'm still processing, which is why I haven't spoken about it a ton yet, because I still need some space. But

16:34

I had to really sit with do I want children? Mm hmm. Or is this? what's expected of me? Because that's just quote what you do? Yeah. Do I want children because I'm nurturing and kind? And I enjoy actually being around children?

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Or is that just where we tell women how to use their nurturing, creative and loving capacity? That's a great point. Right? And like we hear these narratives of, well, there's lots of ways to be a mother, right? Oh, no, it's okay. ABS if you don't have kids, right? Your business is your baby. No, your book is your baby. There are so many ways to be a mother. I'm not available for that narrative.

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I'm not available. Motherhood does not have a total monopoly on love, and care and nurture, and creativity. Motherhood is one way to express that.

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But it doesn't own that. When I create a business or a podcast or a TED Talk. Those are not my children. Those are not my babies. I am not going to stand here and be filtered through the motherhood lens. Purely because I'm a woman. I'm not available for that. Yeah, I think it's also goes to this other sort of overarching theme that's in my podcasts and through a lot of your work that I found is just because you can doesn't mean you do right thing. Ding ding ding das because you can and you're good at it. And you are you have a vagina, you have a uterus, you have some sperm, just because you can fucking have a kid doesn't mean you should you want one you're going to who cares? Who cares? Like, who cares? There's plenty of plant. Like there's plenty of people on this planet already. Like it's gonna be okay.

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I think part of my message comes from the fact that I've never poked fit in. And trust me. I've wanted to I was sorority president. I've tried to you know, I was I was on Fox News, y'all. Oh, I mean, let's just call a spade a spade, right? I mean, I have tried to starve my way into acceptance. I've tried to dye my hair and get extensions. I have tried to pretend to be totally straight. Right? Because like, and I'm not, by the way, but like, I've tried really hard, Dr. Sarah to

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be accepted and to follow that straight line. And frankly, when I was younger, I was jealous of women like you who could play it so well. Like be this accomplished woman that just fits in any box. I know. But you know what's really interesting about that Abby, which I haven't talked about on this podcast yet, I don't feel like that on the inside the you know what I'm saying? So, let's do because if you I mean, you look at my life, I have a husband, two kids, a house, the whole thing, the golden retriever, all of that. But like growing up in I went from public school to private school, and that was a huge transition for me because it's just even just like the financial model it Everything about it was 100% different for me and

20:02

I in high school, I never really felt like I fit in. I was like the pretty girl who got good grades. But I wasn't invited to all the parties. I wasn't the coolest. So I had a boyfriend all through high school. Not this not my current husband, my current husband was before that boyfriend. But I had a boyfriend all through high school. And I'm not going to say just for that reason, but it was almost easier. It was like, I had my few friends, I had my boyfriend, I was a nerd, I did my schoolwork. But I always felt like I didn't really have a place. Yeah, I'm just really not available for making people feel like outsiders. As somebody who consistently has felt that way. I think that's a part of the message that I hope with, especially my first TEDx Talk is like, helping women to realize that it's really only us, individually, who can walk ourselves home, who can find ourselves truly and stand in that. And when we do, so we give permission for other women to do it to to realize that there's more on the menu, there's more ways to be human in this world, and you don't owe anyone including past versions of yourself, shit. You owe them nothing. And when I look back at like all of these Taipei over achieving goals that I had,

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what's so interesting is that none of them ever included happiness or fulfillment. I was so sure I knew exactly what was gonna make me happy. Yet that wasn't even on the list. So like, I looked back, and I was like, I was so sure that I was going to be a network news anchor by 30. Yeah, but those outcomes equaled happiness in your mind, even if you didn't articulate it. That's what you're 100%. It's like, if I get that me if I get this house, if I get this husband, if I get I nailed it, all of it, then I'm sure at the end of the race, they just like hand you happiness. Ba. Right. Except all along the way. You're not happy. That's the weirdest part. Yeah. It's like the woman who has everything but who has nothing, right. She's willing to defer everything in her life. Personal Connection, fulfillment, happiness, peace, fucking sleep, maybe a whole meal. I mean, I was my eating disorder was trigger warning for people. But like, it was it was really out of control for a while because the pressure was just so intense. And that was kind of expected in a lot of our industry. And so

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it's undoing so much of that to say, if I'm not in joy, right now, that's not success. If I in this moment, do not already feel myself. I'm not there's nothing external. And I know we hear that all the time. If I can, Hallmark, please Don't roll your eyes. I get it. Having said that, but for real, though, when you look at it, if yes, I would love to, like let's just say yes, I wanted to give a TEDx talk. But I will consistently say it's who we get to become, in the process of building the dream, that is our gift as the leader, the gift that what we create, whether it's a book of business, honestly, your child is a gift to the world, but who you become in the process of becoming the mother, which you're always becoming, in the process of becoming this leader of becoming this author of this podcast, or whatever that is, that's your fucking gift. Don't miss out on it. Because once you get up there, and they hand you that me by the way, it was beautiful. It was better than I could have hoped. It was heavy. My dress was gorgeous. The whole experience was everything I could have hoped. But it didn't make me me.

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It didn't make me happy. It didn't make me fulfilled. It didn't make us think, like as a listener, because I can relate it back to my own life. Yeah. Is it easy to say that? Because you you have it and you've already done it? You know what I'm saying? It's like some people are like, Well, you say you don't care if your kids go to an Ivy League school, but you went to an Ivy League school, so it's okay. Do you see what I mean? 100% 100% which is I call bullshit on myself. 100% I can see that and I love that direction. Because here's another component of that.

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I can say those things, because I've walked the walk. Yeah, right. I can say those things. So when a client comes to me and says abs, I really want to have a TV show. A really, I really want this. I'm going to be like you could not pay me enough money. Literally. They're not millions of dollars in the world for me to go on another TV set ever again. But I will help you get there. Mm hmm. Here's the thing you need to realize.

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However you feel about yourself right now. That TV show is not going to make you feel any better.

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If you're

25:00

doing it because of that reason, you will be fucking miserable.

25:04

So it's about the intentionality of why we're doing something that me felt so good, because I never did it for the me, right? I swear to God, because you're doing it for how it's going to make you feel. No, I did it in not even how it's going to, I had a fucking blast every step of the way. In doing this, I was in total joy, and flow and embodiment. I had a sixth sense, I had a deep intuition, like within the first day of that investigation of the thing that I did to win. Within the first day of the investigation, I turned to my photographer and said, I think we're going to win an Emmy, I just could tell, but that wasn't why I was doing it. If you're setting any fucking goal,

25:53

with the hope that you will somehow be greater praised, seen, validated, happier, more fulfilled, if you have your happiness tied to any extrinsic goal. It won't work. It just doesn't work. If you're coming to me as a client saying, I want to become a New York Times bestseller, I hear that all the time, I want to give a TED talk, I want to have a million views, whatever. Sure. You want it to be extrinsically successful that people it lands on but if that's your goal the entire time, it won't work. So how do you when a client comes to you with a request like that? Or a goal like that? What are your like? What's your advice? How do you flip that into what you're talking about? The first piece you write what is the intention of it, and if it's an extrinsic goal, it's not going to work. So my, my job is to hold space for you the incredible leader to get to see more of your core motivator. Because a lot of times, in the beginning, people come to me wanting fame for unhealed trauma. They want fame because they want to feel validated in a world where they haven't.

27:11

Now, I understand that so many of us have a lot of difficult lived experiences that were coming, you're coming to me as a client, having experienced and you want to be able to shed light on them, and inspire and help others. All of it is a really beautiful set of intentions. But if that's already not enough, it won't work. So we have to get back to like, what is your core motivator in doing so?

27:38

And so we're like peeling back those layers? And like have you ever now not felt seen? We have an of course all of us have. And so we got to get back there first? Mm hmm. So you're right, there is actually quite a bit of psychology in it in that I have to get back to like, Where were you when you were first told to put your hand down? How old were you when you were told you were bossy for the first time? Are you talk too much? Uh huh. You talk too much, boys don't like it when and then fill in the blank.

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Because until we talk from that space, you're always going to be carrying around

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an ungodly amount of baggage that can't fit on that stage.

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And that's another part of what I like to lift this narrative. Thanks for coming to my TED talk here. Here we go. I think I'm not available for

28:28

something I like to say it's called the bag of dicks. And yet, we've been sold bag of dicks at a number of categories. But the first one is that we were sold this idea that if we hustle and grind and slay and kill and crush and dominate,

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we will, quote be successful. Right? That's what it takes. And in order to have someone purchase your product, or be this big name, they have to know like, and trust you. And I'm going to ask you, how's that working for you?

29:03

Huh? You like it? Because we just like put some fucking as women glitter and shit on it. And we're like, No, we're Girlboss saying, you know, like, oh, no, we just get up at 4am and manifest dude, it's just the same shit. But with some glitter and pink font. Do not be fooled.

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The fact is that over the last two years,

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a majority of the entrepreneurs have come into the space are women. And yet statistically, more than 90% of them will never make more than six figures in their business. Here's the other weird fact. More than 80% of all buying decisions across every vertical platform. I mean, cars, houses, cell phones, clothes, toothbrushes, are made by women. And yet we don't sell like women, to women. When a woman wants to start a business, we say oh, what's your cute idea your little business?

30:00

As your side hustle.

30:03

It's not like cool. What are your investors? Right? Well, what are your main KPIs for the first quarter? Like we don't talk to you like an adult? Who can handle her shit? First and foremost, it's like, no, that's great. Like, come to a Tupperware party. Like, I'm not available for that. Doctrine is not available.

30:23

I will say that in this process of creating this podcast over the past year, it is slightly annoying when people are like, well, how are you going to monetize? What's your next step? Like, what's your bigger goal? And I'm like, I don't fucking have one. I'm just doing this. I also like, monetize, yeah, monetize, is also in the also in the bag of dicks. Okay. So let's try something else on instead of the monetize your message. If I hear that one, turn your pain into purpose. No, bitch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's some toxic shit. So you're telling me that unless I commodify my pain, it wasn't worth going through? Yes. Hold on.

31:07

Let's rewind the capitalist structure there. You're telling me that if Dr. Sarah wants to share her message on a platform, and if she doesn't make money,

31:17

right, in the economy, again, transactionally. Again, if a woman doesn't create some sort of external value, relating to me, then it's not worth. Right. And I think it's a really big topic for women who are listening to this podcast, because a lot of them are women who are in this midlife, whatever age that is for the 40. Plus, they've been out of the workforce, or they've been sort of halfway in the workforce, and they're trying to figure out what's the next iteration of their becoming? And then sometimes they're like, Well, my scrapbook company or my whatever. It's not enough, because it doesn't make enough money to pay my bills. So what's the point of it? Yeah, so then I want to get to a new way of looking at this. Okay. Let's try on instead of know, like, and trust. Just try this on with me. What if instead, it was seen, heard and loved? I love that has to start with us. First. Us the leader. First, let's first see yourself in this new season of you. What is making you come alive? What do you really see about yourself that you love? See, but you said in your latest podcast, you call bullshit on people who say they don't know what the fuck to do with their lives? Yeah, I do. Right? Tell me what that means and how it relates to this because there are tons of women including me a year ago going, Okay, I have a PhD. I'm 45 years old. And what am I going to do now? How am I going to find meaning in this world? My kids don't need me to bring their lunch to school every 40 fucking seconds. And where's my meaning going? Because I'm addicted to being needed. And I'm really not fucking needed anymore. Maybe you need you.

33:13

Right, but how do why was that not enough? I don't know. Because I haven't addressed I mean, that's why I started this podcast because I was like, I'm not having a midlife crisis. I'm having a midlife remix. I'm gonna have agency in this fucking thing. It's not going to happen to me. I'm going to make choices and take steps. I've no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I'm going to start a podcast all about figuring out what it is that we all want to do with our lives and with our vaginas, and our sex lives and our whatever. And come along with me. So I'm going to talk to people like Abby, and try to scoop up some golden nuggets so we can shovel some more shit and get to our midlife. I don't know, why are midlife becoming? So my question to you is how and why do you call bullshit on thing on when people say they don't know what to do with their lives? Because Dr. Sarah, tell me in the last minute of your share, in what were in that space, did you not know what to do?

34:13

Well, when I was 45, I was like, okay, so I could write a book. People are like, Oh, you're a good writer. You're kind of self deprecating. That could be funny. And I was like, put write a book about what? And like, then I was like, Okay, well, I could start a tutoring company. You know that. Let's step back. Yeah. Let's step back for a second. For any This isn't for everybody. Yeah.

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Here's where I call bullshit. Knowing what you don't want is just as important as knowing what you do want. So when you say this isn't working for me anymore.

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That's knowing something.

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When you say, I don't know, I just don't know.

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But you do you know?

35:00

But you're no longer going to be schlepping lunches for your kids. And that that stage season of your life is coming to an end. Right? And that you don't want to be fulfilled in that way any longer. Because by the way, you could have thrown yourself in some other place. Yeah, when it comes to that, but you knew that you didn't want to

35:24

rise that night. But I think we're all looking for, oh, I'm going to start a business and sell sweaters, oh, I'm going to start an online health platform. I think we're all trying to figure out what our strengths are so that we can figure out what that thing is because I feel like it's so much easier when you have a thing. It is because the world wants us to have a thing.

35:51

So I want to just get back to like some late stage capitalism shit here. Yeah, again,

35:56

women know how to relate to themselves by a title that somebody else bestows on them.

36:04

What I'm asking is like, Who are you without the title? I have? No, I mean, that's the thing. And that I actually did a bunch of Instagram posts on that, like, ask yourself, Who were you? Before? You were a mom before you were a wife? But I don't think a lot of us. A lot of people know they don't. And I was one of them. I am one of them. And that I mean, what's your answer? So someone's like, what do you do you go to a cocktail party? What do you do? You can say I'm a TEDx speaker. I'm an author of bubble all the Sella blah, blah, right? But what if I didn't start this podcast? And I'm speaking for a lot of other women right now. Like, I wouldn't be talking about my podcast. What am I supposed to say? Oh, I'm a self expander. I'm unleashing my midlife questions like What is and I know, you're saying that the label is not what we need. But we're so used to that label or definition. Yeah. But again, remember that the person asking you this question.

37:02

Got asked that question.

37:05

by another well, meaning person who handed them a menu that doesn't even include all the options. So do we stop asking people what they do? It's really fascinating, because my husband doesn't ask people what they do. And he's a very successful businessman. And he doesn't either. Yeah, that's the least interesting thing about it. And I go, why don't you ever ask people he goes, because I don't really it's not that he doesn't care. But he's like, I don't like it. When people ask me that. It's like, Hi, I'm Jeremy. This is who I am. And let's talk about whatever. And what we do comes up in conversation. Great. And some people say to me, I don't even know what your husband does, um, like, yeah, because he doesn't talk about him fucking self all day long. Well, but also, maybe he does talk about himself. He doesn't talk about what he does, yes. tivity wise in the world, he actually talks about who he is. And this is not to pedestal eyes, your husband or anyone else. But we do this with men, men are allowed to be more than just the thing.

38:09

Whatever the thing is, they're more than the business owner. They're more than the dad. They're more than the CEO. They get to have more things. They get to be Jeremy and Aaron and Brad and Chad in the world, they get to have their own unique identity. So what do women say when they someone says, Well, what do you do? And they're a 50 year old mom, their kids are off in college. What do they say I'm an empty nester. Like that's like kind of also. Yeah, when someone asked me when someone asked me abs,

38:49

nice to meet you. They wouldn't say abs. But you should.

38:53

What do you do?

38:55

I'll read the room, right? And we'll read the room. If it's like a bunch of boomers, boomers be boomin. All right, you know, they want me to give them their like LinkedIn answer. But if it's anything outside,

39:06

when they say what am I doing? I say my best. Now, this is my answer. I do my best.

39:15

Yeah, what does that look like?

39:18

Every day? I do what makes me feel the most happy and fulfilled, and positive. And excited I can be and I feel so fucking lucky that I've given myself that permission to do it. And it's great. And they're like, really? I'm like, yeah, like really? Those. That's what I do. Yeah, but then do you ever get oh, that must be privileged that you can like just, oh, yeah, and I go it yep, you're right. It's been a long, long road to get here. But fuck is it worth it? And I help other people to make sure that they can do it too. And I fight to make sure that the rights of others are protected so they can do interesting. Okay, and then they just glaze

40:00

over and walk away if they're not my person. Yeah, you and me and you came to me and asked me that question, you would fucking be like, alright, well, let me pour you another glass of wine. We need to sit down and have a conversation, because you're going to meet me not where I'm transactionally going to be expected. Does this makes sense? Totally. I'm not gonna check the box for you just so you feel comfortable. Here's another piece, y'all. It's the same shit. When some guy tells you, you should smile more is the same as you, you feeling like you need to answer the question of what do you do? It's the same thing. You don't owe them that smile. You don't owe them making them feel comfortable. You don't owe them a fucking answer. You don't owe them show. It's interesting. When my kids were in elementary school, I was standing in a parking lot. And I was talking to a bunch of parents. And this dad said to me, Well, you're just a housewife.

40:53

And like, I, I really never been spoken to like that in my whole life. And I like stopped myself. And I was like, Okay, I'm either gonna not say anything, and go home and be mad at myself that I didn't say anything. Or I'm gonna put this guy back in his place in a very nice way. So I was like, Yeah, I I guess you could call me a housewife, stay at home, mom, whatever. But I do have a PhD. And I'm a trustee of this school that your kid goes to school at? And he was like, ah, but why do I have to even say that? Why do I even have to do that to make myself feel okay. You don't. But also,

41:35

we're the torchbearers of how many women that have done it for us. Right? So that we could even go to college, that we could have these opportunities? Yeah, I'm doing it so that Gen Z's

41:49

never have to have this conversation at all.

41:56

So how do we get from this performance driven life that a lot of us are on? Where it's like a straight line, and we have benchmarks, and we check fucking boxes and get Emmys and get degrees? And do all this stuff? Be the perfect mom cooks 74 meals a day? How do we embrace the curvy line of becoming? It's messy? It's like you don't have a fucking answer. There isn't a really a goal. Like, if you want if your goal in life is to become the best version of you, or the most real version of you. It's gonna feel messy and swampy and not clear every day. So how do we embrace that curvy line when we're so used to a straight line?

42:42

Mushrooms I mean that that was always help. big proponent of drugs. No, we're gonna have to talk about that. I really think drugs are great.

42:51

drugs or drugs? Yeah, I was a late bloomer to drugs and maybe I missed the fucking boat drugs are great. But

43:00

here's my answer. I'm just gonna breathe into this because I believe that my words have power and that when I share them, they activate someone for this today.

43:12

And I ask you, if you can, obviously if you're driving, you're in the middle of target right now. wherever the fuck you are listening. If you can, I hope that you close your eyes in this moment too.

43:24

Because I'm gonna ask you an honest question

43:27

that can only be really received at the deepest and most honest part of you. And this my friends is what we call a bikini wax of the soul.

43:37

So I want to ask you the question

43:41

of these boxes that you are checking, you get up and you perform every day you perform being that sexy available wife you perform being the good mom you perform being the good employee, good daughter.

44:01

You perform every day.

44:04

And I want to ask you

44:07

what is that costing you?

44:11

What is that costing you?

44:15

Is it costing you sleep?

44:18

Is the costing you peace?

44:21

is it costing you fulfillment?

44:24

What's it costing you to perform?

44:29

My honest answer

44:32

this is going to activate someone today. Finally, a fuck it

44:38

is eventually I don't know when that will be and I believe it could be today as you're standing

44:45

in the makeup aisle at fucking target right now. With so many more things in your basket than you ever came in planning. I know we do it every goddamn time.

44:54

Okay. Somebody is going to realize today

44:58

that it costs too much

45:02

They, unto themselves are worth more.

45:08

When someone asks me

45:11

to be anything other than me any longer, it costs too much. It hurts me too much.

45:24

You want me to stay small, in the size of my body? And in my vision, and in my words,

45:33

it's too painful. It costs to watch.

45:42

Eventually, it cost too much for me. So now, when someone says, you know, you'd be successful if and then any other word after that, nope, my answer is no. Costume much. If somebody said to me, you know, you'd be really great. Having your own TV show again, cost too much. It costs too much.

46:05

When someone asks me

46:08

to make them feel more comfortable, by answering the question, what do you do? It cost too much. I don't owe that to them.

46:18

My job is not to make everyone in your life comfortable.

46:25

So I'm going to ask you,

46:28

What's it costing you

46:31

to perform?

46:33

And when Are you finally going to choose you.

46:39

And that is really scary. Because you know that it might cost you some of your relationships, it might cost you some ways that you relate to yourself.

46:51

It's going to cost you some friends.

46:56

It's going to cost you sometimes having your kid not think you're the best mom ever

47:01

going to cost you.

47:04

But it's going to cost you less.

47:08

Then what it's cost you so far to perform a life that isn't even yours.

47:18

I will not abandon myself ever again. I will not abandon myself.

47:25

Dr. Sarah, ever again.

47:29

In the hopes of shape shifting, and contorting and fitting and starving and smiling my way

47:39

into making you comfortable.

47:44

I'm not going to be everybody's cup of tea.

47:49

I'm not going to be liked. I'm going to lose friends. I'm going to lose relationships, I'm going to lose job opportunities. I'm going to lose some people's version of success.

48:02

I'm going to lose being called Skinny

48:06

or conventionally beautiful. Yes.

48:11

But if it doesn't make you say,

48:16

a full body Fuck yes about your life, then what the fuck are you doing?

48:23

Because if you don't like you, what does it fucking matter?

48:27

What does it matter?

48:30

So I think you to know what you want.

48:34

I do think you do know what you want. I just think that you don't like what it's gonna cost you because you've been willing to pay everyone other than yourself.

48:48

You're not willing to lose the praise of being the perfect whatever fill in the blank employee, mother, daughter, wife, business owner, entrepreneur doesn't matter.

49:00

That's why I call bullshit. I do think you know, but for you right now, it seems like it costs too much.

49:12

But eventually,

49:15

eventually, you're gonna have to choose yourself.

49:21

Or you become a really bitter, Catty, old woman. That's why they're there.

49:28

That's why we have that narrative

49:31

of have frumpy, old and I mean this an energy,

49:37

negative, Catty, gossipy old women, because all of their potential.

49:44

All of their greatness all of their ability to love and expand in this world was shunted

49:51

by a society and by them.

49:57

You have agency today, you don't have to do

50:00

Do it this way. There's more on the menu.

50:04

I think you know exactly what to do.

50:10

It's just kind of cost you.

50:14

But how much does it cost you already? To not?

50:18

At some point, it's not worth it anymore. And for me, it came in so many different forms.

50:26

I wanted to check the box, please hear me I did. I wanted to check the box. I wanted to marry my college sweetheart. That's what I was supposed to do. I wanted to check that box.

50:41

But the night, my face that his fist,

50:46

I had to run. And it was hard. And I'm not saying that I immediately was over him was like, fuck no feminist flag like, No, I was 24. And I had been in a long term, emotionally, eventually physically abusive relationship. So yeah, it took me a while to choose myself.

51:08

And I remember telling my mom the next day.

51:12

Or like, not even the next day, like a week later, like, I think I have to call off the wedding. My first response was, but my aunts already bought their plane tickets. But the hotel is already booked, I don't want to let anyone down.

51:27

And the best thing anybody could have ever said to me was my mom saying, You don't owe anyone including me. Anything.

51:36

You made the right move.

51:40

And in that moment,

51:42

I chose myself for the first time.

51:45

And I cannot tell you the amount of women that have sent me messages after hearing that TED Talk saying, I walked down that aisle because I didn't want to let anyone else down. I knew not to get married, but I did it anyway.

51:58

Because the fact is, you cannot win battles with people who are at war with themselves.

52:04

And the only person you should be afraid of losing is yourself.

52:10

And then finally, I thought that I was only worthy if I had some fancy job, even if it even I fucking hated it. But who was I? If I wasn't this famous TV person who was I? If I didn't have ratings, who was I if people didn't like and share my stuff? Who was I if they didn't give me constant affirmation. And it wasn't until

52:35

I wasn't on TV any longer that I could finally see myself. So did I know what I wanted to do next? No, but I knew it wasn't this. So to be fair, I knew.

52:49

Just because you know what you don't want doesn't mean you don't know what to do. It means you know, it's not this. You may not know what's the next thing? That's okay. Just know that you don't want to do this. Why is that not enough?

53:07

Because the cost, the cost that is costing you, whoever this is, it's listening, the cost to perform ventually becomes too expensive.

53:19

And I can't tell you what that is.

53:22

But I think you know,

53:25

you at least know what it's not. I just started taking one small step. And it started a long time ago. I'm 36. And I took my first step at 24 which was to leave that house barefoot out the front door, practically tripping over the wedding invitations that had been delivered that day that were supposed to go out the very next day.

53:49

But it's taken a really long time. In fact, it took me almost exactly 10 years to the day. From that moment that I walked out the front door that I gave my first TEDx talk. And I purposely if you ever watch it, I purposely am barefoot, because for me, it was finally coming full circle back home.

54:11

I was barefoot on that stage to honor the woman that 10 years ago took her first step.

54:19

And so I like to think that I'm actually two years old, because the first my first day ever on this earth as Abby bucking gib by myself, my own person,

54:31

outside of any title and any accolade

54:35

in any role happened that day on that TED stage, and whatever that is for you. I don't know what that is for you. And only you get to answer it. But that's a full body. Fuck yes.

54:48

That's it. And I want that for all of you. And I don't know what that is. And to be honest, that might be the moment when you said despite all of your pressures and everybody saying I'm this fancy Ivy League, PhD

55:00

The

55:01

beautiful, successful human, I want to stay home with my kids and be fully present to watching another human learn how to human. Why is that not enough?

55:14

Maybe that was your first step. Dr. Sarah, maybe it was something else. But you've been slowly taking full body. Fuck yes, steps don't diminish them.

55:24

All of you have been taking those steps, but at some point

55:29

it feels so good. Is my answer that it's almost comical when somebody says like, but how are you going to monetize your message like, Brad? Chad, Tom, Bob?

55:43

You don't know. And you don't get to tell me. And I don't know you anything. So stop asking me to smile.

55:50

Stop asking me to be performative. Stop asking me to make you feel comfortable about me existing in this world. That's not my job.

56:01

Okay, wow. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Yeah. Wow. Thanks, Oprah. That was fucking amazing. Whoo. I have so many things to say first. Oh my god. Second full body. Fuck yes. Third vagina coffin because somehow the fucking heat went on.

56:21

I told you I run hot. Okay, I'm just run hot. So I can't wear underwear. Because when I'm talking about this stuff. In the fucking room, I think I need a fan under my desk actually. Damn right on your badge. Totally. Another interesting part of what came up for me when you were talking? Is this idea of self responsibility. Yeah, I feel like so many of us, including me, are looking to get a box from Amazon that says, hey, bitch, here's your self reinvented identity, you are going to look hot. Have your stomach toned, and you're going to have a purpose every single day. And everyone's going to give you a million likes on Instagram. Like,

57:08

it never comes. It doesn't come because it's just one more box. It just never comes. And the hardest part about this reinvention journey is realizing that no one can do it for you. Nope, no one can find a coach that's like do these 10 steps and do meal badass, they're they're stealing money from you. If they promise you that, I don't promise you that.

57:36

I don't promise you that. What is the promise is the promise that you want to, you're saying we know how we want to feel. Because we know how we don't want to feel we don't want to feel in our current state of not being needed. Not really having a purpose. We may not know what business that looks like, or if that's like, you know, being a PTA president or whatever, however that meaning is going to come. But it's how we want to feel and all the little micro steps that are going to take us to get there.

58:12

Okay, we're just going to go there. Okay.

58:15

Purpose is bullshit. There is no such thing is purpose. Purpose is something that was invented in capitalism for unhealed overachievers to continue to work and break themselves to build the riches for a few white men. Is it meaning? I personally don't think there's any inherent meaning.

58:39

Personally, Mm hmm. I don't think that there is any inherent meaning or purpose of you being here. I don't actually think that I was raised Buddhist. And I don't think that personally, I own little take in this speck of the universe. That I chose to be reincarnated in this time. I don't even think that. Uh huh. I which is very liberating to me, by the way, because you can't mess it up. You can't miss out on your purpose. You can't fuck it up. Okay, you just can't. Well, then what's all the work? Even if it's inner work? Not me work or 10 work? Yeah. What is all the inner work for them then?

59:23

I don't know. Dr. Sarah, what do you I? What the fuck is it for then? I don't know. So this is part of my coaching, right? I'm not going to help you go build a kingdom on sand. I am not interested in helping you be one more influencer.

59:42

I'm interested in helping you become someone of influence in this world. And the only way to do that is by you becoming more you and if you think that you have to chase your big purpose in this world is not gonna work.

59:56

So it is becoming then that is sort of the

1:00:00

the end all be all of the journey. Like why would we say, oh, you know what beautiful old ass read redwood tree? What's your purpose? How do you find meaning?

1:00:11

We don't we let a tree just be a fucking tree, a deep, beautiful, amazing tree that is super connected to all the other trees through an entire network that we as humans are just beginning to discover their language. By the way trees have language.

1:00:27

The way that they build an entire ecosystem around each tree and then as a community and as a whole, and we never say

1:00:36

that tree isn't living up to its potential.

1:00:39

So why the fuck do we do it to ourselves? I'm not available. You right? But why do you get up every day and do your podcast and right your visit? Feels good. Right? But it feels good. Why?

1:00:52

Why does it feel good? Yeah, podcast? Yeah. Because I know that I have something worth saying. And I have stuffed it down for so long.

1:01:04

That there's a lot in there to say someday creative sort of expression. Yes. Right. Okay, like Forrest Gump. I completely hold the write that someday, just like how he just started running. And then he ran for no reason. And everybody else wanted to attach a reason why Forrest Gump was running. He was running to protest the war, he was running for happiness. Right? He was like I'm running because I like running.

1:01:31

And then one day he stopped, because he didn't want to run anymore.

1:01:37

Why can I give myself that same permission, I have this podcast because it feels good. I like it. I like helping people. It feels like a natural expression. I reserve the right at any point to not podcast anymore. Because it doesn't feel good. And I don't want to do it. Got it. I reserve the right to change my mind at any given time that I want. So for example, if you're an empty nester, your kids just went off to college and you're in your house and your husband's at work and you've been a stay at home mom for 1000 years. And you're like, yeah, what's next for me abs?

1:02:11

I would ask yourself a really beautiful question.

1:02:15

What do you not want to do anymore? sure as fuck don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. What else do you not want to feel?

1:02:23

Who are the people that you surround yourself with? Because you think you should, but that are draining your energy every time you're with them. Roll your eyes. Oh, god, there's Karen again. Let me pretend to like put my garbage can back so I don't have to talk to her right. Like, there's a list don't lie. There's a list of shit that you don't want to do anymore. Maybe it's that you don't actually want to pull put on a full like thing of makeup every day just to go to the grocery stores that your quote acceptable. Or the opposite. Maybe you want to get out of your frumpy, Lumpy sweatpants. No judgment and you want to put makeup on and you want to feel hot just for yourself. Literally just for yourself. Which is why I don't wear underwear with jeans because it right fucking good. I'm gonna tell you right now, y'all. I hope some of you send me some really cute pictures of you drink in a martini. Having your Rosae during your urine stone. And tell me how good that shit feels. That's the other thing. You're sitting there. You're like, you know what they don't know. I don't even have underwear on. It's your sexy. Tell me that you're not going to be like I'm a bad bitch. Like a little bit inside of you is like you know what? I probably never will. Because, you know, I'm Carol. I'm an empty nester. I want to own that I live in like Nantucket or whatever. But like Carol, don't tell me a 55 You sit in there with no underwear and your jeans and you're like, you know what? I could see how somebody would have sex in a bathroom. I could see that now. Because I'm that bad bitch.

1:04:04

Okay, so, for you, what are the things that worked for you? For you to live your life? In therapy? Okay, but you do talk about

1:04:15

SSRIs you talk about good friends. There's a lot about driving. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Okay. drugs don't have to be illegal drugs. Drugs are great. Right and what I was thinking when you were saying drugs, I was thinking like the whole mushroom battle thing. My favorite drugs that served me very well in my healing journey. Yeah, I've been first and foremost, Zoloft is fuckin great. And I personally have PMDD so I have very difficult mood swings, intrusive thoughts, depression and thinking about analyzing myself almost every month. It's a big part of a big deal. It's really intense and it's not my fault.

1:05:00

and some of it is hereditary. Some of it is situational from years of PTSD. Some of it is hormonal, literally like my gut biome and things like that. Yeah. And no matter what,

1:05:15

it's okay. There's absolutely no shame in this. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't try. I don't want to feel this way. And I didn't know a lot of us go through this. So one of the biggest pieces Zoloft has really been for me is that as I experienced these tidal waves of emotion that go up and down so much, Zoloft for me feels like little tiny

1:05:41

floaties like in a pool that helped me to stay afloat so that I know I won't drown does that mean it doesn't mean that you don't get upset, you don't get triggered, it just means that you're safe. I'm safe, because literally like, there was lots of self harm ideation that comes with my experience PMDD. So Zoloft has been really helpful. And another piece that I haven't heard people talk about is that I use different varying doses depending on my cycle. So I have a really good app that helps me chart my cycle. And I kind of go up as I'm going towards my period, so that I'm on a very high dose, right before the week before my period. And I started to taper back down. So I'm at a space right now, where I'm taking my lowest amount, my lowest dose right now, which is just 50 milligrams, I think, and then I'll go up to 400. And I go house cycle, because my body needs something different in different cycles of my time. I also work out differently. And I also don't work out personally who advises you on that, like who's the person for something like that? So my, my actual, like, MD doctor, I love her because she's an MD and an MD, so we lie that yeah, so I'm all in for the kitchen sink. Like give me Western drugs. Give me crystals, give me shaman, give me an anything that's gonna work for me. I'm not here to judge but I also like, do believe that we get to be pretty binary about it. Like only all science and only all holistic and I'm really about the whoo and the do my life, right. So it's like, I did a three part menopause episode. And it's like, you got to have some Eastern you got to have some Western, but you have to take the judgment out because later we're going to be judging shit and it's not work. And like, look, there are some things that just don't work. Right. Like I would love to tell you that I microneedle my face. I don't I Botox, my face. This. This is your book. I wish I could see and I wish I could tell you that it won't work for me. But there's some holistic stuff. That just doesn't work for me. Okay. Zoloft is another one. There's no shame in my game. Zoloft is fucking great. There's another thing that works for me talk therapy. I can't believe I wrote dogged so long in my life without a talk therapist, like that was just I have a lot of compassion. So I go every week. I have her today is great. I still have a huge story around. Why am I so messy? Sometimes I still feel like, I can't believe Aaron loves me. I'm unlovable. There are parts of me that are still just so shattered and broken. And I'm fucked up. And I still have all of these stories that I'm working to rewrite. But I just want to share with you at home like, I am not sitting here on a golden mountaintop figuring everything out, like just like Dr. Sarah, I am learning along the way and sharing in the work. Yeah, like I'm, I definitely still go through this. I have panic attacks still, like, but they're not as bad, right? I have between one a week to one a month at the best case scenario. And that to me is like a really big achievement. Like, yeah, I had one last night. Like a real one. Like I woke up in a full sweat. And I was like, okay, COVID hot flash, something's happening. I'm gonna die. Yeah. And it's real. It's real. And they're valid, and it's real. And then the other one for me has been my experience with MDMA. So, you know, I know that you need to I'm not saying you should take illegal drugs or whatever I need to say right now at the time. And I will have already done an episode with Dr. Ellen Vora who's a holistic I address. So she will have covered a lot of this. Perfect. So I am a big proponent in my personal life that MDMA in its pure form, which you know, St. Molly is different. But yeah, MDMA. I took hero doses of it over three days is the only time I've ever taken it in my life. And I owe my life to it. Like I can't explain for me who supervises that? Oh, I mean, I just like home like, Oh, I was

1:09:56

such basic bedsheet, but whatever. Here we go. Ready? Yes. I was at Coachella.

1:10:00

Hola, oh my friend did your fringe jean shorts on and a crop top? No, um, no, I had cuter, a little bit less basic, but I still wear the hat and the booties the first day. I do, um, my friend is a biochemist and made it in the lab. And like, everybody there had already done this journey once, and I was the new one. And they knew exactly what to do. So I felt very safe. I literally knew the person that made it. Um, we had a whole system about drinking enough water and snacks. And we had like, a whole system. And so I had a group of like eight people who were extremely supportive, like, and I felt very taken care of, like, very taken care of. And so I took that on high doses for three days. And it stayed with me for an entire moon cycle. Like I can literally tell you it lasted exactly 20 days in my Cisco, it was not just those three days, and I think that's something that I wish people could realize about a lot of these different types of medicine. And I call it that specifically MDMA for me and psilocybin mushrooms. What was the difference between the two frail, oh, massive. So Molly is like

1:11:14

a sledgehammer to your heart. Anything that you felt you couldn't be loved? For will come up? So for me over those next like that next month, I, I don't know how to say this. Except if you've had this experience, you'll like be nodding, go. Thank you for saying that. I haven't yet it's on my list. You like the row up a motion? And don't explain it. But you're literally throwing up you hurt. Yeah, like it comes out of you, it will come out of you enjoy and dance and crying and laughing. But anything that you thought you wouldn't be loved for is going to come out in MDMA. So for me, it was my giant reckoning about beginning this journey, which is a whole other podcast episode. But bigger beginning my journey of saying fully that I am bisexual. And like, what does that mean for me? And how do I want to express that for me? And all the pieces that I needed to start to do? How will you express that when you're married to a man?

1:12:15

That's a whole episode. Okay. Oh, and that's, I mean, that's a part of the, of a by person's journey is that

1:12:24

I'm attracted to more than one gender. So just because I'm attracted to a man doesn't mean I'm not attracted to other genders, but also doesn't mean I'm not attracted to men. Right. Right. So it's just that I chose to create a long term committed relationship with a man. That doesn't make me less spy, but that also doesn't threaten him. That's just the person I chose to commit my life to. That makes sense. Yeah. And I think that that's a whole other topic. Yeah. And I'm happy to chat about fascinating because I'm like, Wait, how does that play out? Is that like, an open relationship is that that's just and I think that's a that's a huge part of the narrative of bisexuals is like, Oh, they're going to cheat or like, they're not or they're not, actually there is no such thing as bi. Right. So one piece that I've talked about a bit is like when a man comes out as bi, they say that he's just on his way to being gay. And that when a woman comes out as bi, she's looking for attention.

1:13:26

Right, but she's not actually by an either way, the assumption is that you always have to be attracted to men. Hmm. Oh,

1:13:37

interesting. In Jaya, is that, Dr. Sarah, why is the assumption? Okay, so when we look at it, though, like think about it? What we look at is that how could it possibly be true? If a guy comes out is by he must be attracted to only men. And when women come out is by they're looking for attention. But they have to be only attracted to men.

1:14:01

That's a movie ship ABS not available, or stories, I'm not available.

1:14:08

My answer just to just sum that part up for everybody at home is that MDMA is like a sledgehammer for your heart. And that psilocybin scientifically rewires your brain. And that if you have felt like you, let's say because you live in LA, yeah, if you feel like you're driving on the 210, or the 10, or the five. Hey, imagine just some awful at four o'clock. Oh, yeah, we live it every day. My daughter's like, can you take me I'm like, you know, LA traffic, like, you know what time it is like what's happening now? So you take the exact same onramp in the exact same way, okay, every fucking day. And then, all of a sudden Siri gets in your air and is like, Yo, there is a back alley Canyon way. Beautiful. There's no cars, you'll be there in 15 minute

1:15:00

That's not two hours. Right? But you didn't even fucking know that there was that road. Wow. Right? So you've been going at this, and I learned response trauma, otherwise your whole life. And if you feel like you can't break a pattern, whatever that is literally whatever that is.

1:15:18

It's because your brain is like, I'm going to go there the fastest most known route, right? I don't even know there's a canyon road, like 80% of what we do is subconscious. Exactly. And so, psilocybin, for me, only my lived, okay, I'm not prescribing this

1:15:38

completely rewires your brain, and then have you had to do it, I typically do it for me, I typically do it about every six weeks, it's definitely not something you would even want to do very often trust me, like, when we were like, are you afraid of being addicted, like that you've never done have been because you're like, to fucking clear, I don't know, if I want my life back. You wouldn't want to do it that often. But especially also after I've had like a big processing moment with my partner. Um, you know, makeup, sex is awesome. But we tend to do some sort of medicine journey together, where we get to heal and rewrite literally in our brains a new way to relate to each other. Wow, we talked about something that really wasn't working for us. We don't like the way that we're responding to each other in this way, or we're healing, something that we don't like, that isn't working for us any longer. And then moving forward, let's rewrite literally a pattern in our brain of how we can start to talk about this differently. And so we tend to do this as like a healing. So like, you take the medicine, yeah, we take the medicine, and we go on a trail, we are out in nature.

1:16:47

And we just walk and it naturally just does whatever it shows, the mushroom, God will show you what you need to see. And I personally have never had what people would call a bad trip. It's because I'm dealing with my shit, honestly.

1:17:01

So I've only had really beautiful like, wow, I didn't see it that way. Or just total gratitude, total acceptance about something in my life or feeling radically healed about something.

1:17:18

Okay, I have a random question. Before we wrap up. If you were to become a parent, like, are there like three things that you'd be like, my kids have to know this? Like things you wish you had known in all of your decades? Like, what would I want my younger self? Yeah, more fair, just because, yeah, I think that's probably more fair. One of the biggest ones that I see on tick tock that I'm like, fuck, that's like, so cool like that. That's a thing now. But body autonomy. So knowing that if I didn't want to hug someone I didn't have to. And that's a really important piece. Because then when I did trigger warning, for those of you that have gone through this, I'm very sorry, as well, I see here and love you. But for those of us that have gone through various forms of assault, and the R word, and essay,

1:18:11

I, when I first the first time I had that experience, I was 10 years old.

1:18:17

And I wish that I would have known that it was okay to say no, but I didn't want the good girl was already ingrained in me that you don't, you're not rude, but it's my job to make other people feel comfortable. Right. So I was told at a very early age to smile at strangers and just be very friendly and accommodating. And so I would want to tell my younger self, that she has body autonomy. And that's not her job to make anyone else feel comfortable. If she's not comfortable. Whatever that means. She doesn't want to stay if she doesn't want to talk to that person. If she doesn't want to smile, she doesn't want to hug. She's not rude. Her body isn't up for grabs for anyone else, just to make everyone else feel comfortable. So if you were to flip that if you were a male talking to your male, younger self, or you had a son and I know same thing, yeah, a lot of your trauma has been related to men. What would you teach your son about? Well, I think that while there was pieces is that you don't speak to boys enough about this as well. Because they also go through massive abuse with in many ways, greater shame. Because of this looming, quote, fear which is so sad right of homophobia.

1:19:42

And we're just beginning through internalized misogyny to hold space for men to process this type of trauma that is rampant. And we don't even have full stats on because they can't see and hear and love themselves enough yet because

1:20:00

It's just too painful for them. So I think that it's really important that and like, when we look at most of the abusers, you know, that creepy uncle, it's not stranger danger, right? It's usually someone you know.

1:20:16

And those people, most of the time, we're also abused. I mean, like it's, it starts, typically doesn't start out of nowhere. And so it's been generation. So why, although I'm not going to become a mother, why it's such an incredibly powerful position that I honor and love for all of you that have or will or are,

1:20:45

because you're not just healing yourself. And you're not just healing this child and this next generation.

1:20:53

We know that the traumas that we carry scientifically, carry back seven generations. I know I just did an episode on it hasn't aired yet. It's crazy. This show trauma and the Akashic records and off. So when we heal, when you choose yourself, you're doing that for every woman that couldn't. When you help your child to choose themselves and their body and their safety, you're not just healing them. You're not just healing you. You're healing the grandmother and the grandfather, and the great, great, great, great grandparents, I have the chills.

1:21:33

That's the power of being a parent. And I think that's incredible. And I honor that for all of you. So anyone that listens to this podcast and thinks, I'm just a mom, I'm just an empty nester.

1:21:46

Like, you're never going to hear that for me, ever. And if you choose like me,

1:21:53

to express your creativity, and express your passion and your joy and your nurture and your love in the world, in other forms, then a human. That's just as valid. And just as generationally healing, because so many women didn't have that choice. It's I mean, even with small things, like I have a friend who's an amazing cook, cooking for me is my biggest nightmare. Like it's like something I just don't have in me I hate Yeah, it's not, you know, and she'll say to me, I don't understand how you do this podcast, Sara, like, it requires so much organization and like creativity, and you have to fucking get guests and interview them and organize a social media like, and I'm like, Well, I don't understand how you make dinner for your family five nights a week to perfection. Like I don't, that doesn't even like come into my radio, and then you have to go grocery shop for everything. Like I'm like, I'm like, it's so interesting how we're all so different. But it's all okay, as long as you're doing you, which is why I don't think there is no, no offense. But they don't think that there's a such thing even as midlife because like, How could 8 billion people seven to 100 literally be on the same path. Like that's just not on the same path. The midlife notion is sort of the second half of life. It's like yeah, but maybe it's not because here's the deal, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. And also, like science is going to make it that the average like I'm a millennial, we're expected to live to be 120. I know but that's a beautiful part. And the scary part is that a lot of women my age, like in that sort of late 40s, mid 50s zone. Yeah, are like gameover I'm be sweaty. I have nothing else to do. I told you though, right? That's it. That's what I'm saying. But you feel disgusting. Also because of menopause and hormones like you talk about hormones are such a tremendous, huge part of our, of our mental health. Yeah, that there's a lot of things that we can't account for if we're not trying to, quote fix them or taking a medication or using Eastern medicine. So it's like, we have all these feelings, but we don't know what to do with them. And we think life is over. But like you said, there's a million more years left of life because of science. There's no alien, we have to get our shit together to choose us and enjoy life. Because you've got so much left so much like oh my god, like maybe today is the day where you're like wow, okay, so I'm as they say on tick tock I am today years old. Right? But like that's how it felt for me on that TED stage. I was today years old and literally when people if you really want him to know what you do, but like, I am two and a half. I'm two and a half there is my demarcation. It's not like a midlife whatever. It's whenever you finally fucking shoot. Yeah, and I watch it become younger and younger and younger now and I'm so grateful for that. So I'm sorry that you were sold a bag of dicks. But like you

1:25:00

When are you going to choose you? Sincerely, full heartedly? Because what the key in my answer is, it gets easier and easier because the cost to not is too high. And choosing you is not selfish. It's not. It's someone tells you it is bye bye. So most radical thing you could do

1:25:27

Okay, so if people want to find you, where can they find you apps?

1:25:32

Come hang out with me. I'm a real person over social, especially Instagram. I'm at Abby gib. So come hang out with me there. I would really love to hear how Oh, ABB II? Why, like Westminster? Mm hmm. Or Downton? Yeah. And then give and I would love to hear how this episode landed for you. So please tag Sara tag me. Yeah. Shoot us an Instagram Stories. Send me a DM I genuine like I literally give a shit. I would like to know what parts landed. And then also you can listen to my podcast, which is the full body? Fuck yes. I wouldn't say it sometimes. I'm like, yeah, that's, that's I know. But when you look at the artwork for your podcast, too, it says that all metal or metal in a bar. Okay, I want everyone to think about what should they can start doing today. One small ABS step. I want to thank you for sharing some of her story. Her TED talks, her tools and getting comfortable of the messy of becoming showing up for ourselves and just doing us our way, the bikini wax of the soul secrets on how to live a life of becoming rather than just looking for outcomes. And for many of our listeners in the second half of life was still 300 more years to live as Abby says. And hence this podcast Abby gab.

1:27:00

Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listened to this episode with Abby Gibbs so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a long episode, I'm like, oh my god, I love that. But then I can't even fucking remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode, we discussed the art of becoming rather than the previous path of Daxing for perfect outcomes at any cost. Golden Nugget number one, only give a fuck towards things that matter. Abby's podcast is called the full body Fuck yes, which she breaks down perfectly in my podcast, it's so much easier to say not to give a fuck about anything. But let's be honest, that just isn't the case. It's hard to do. You're always gonna care about something, even if you say fuck it, it's important to just say for what you should actually say fuck it to. Those are the things that don't necessarily matter or make that big of a difference in your life. But the things you genuinely do care about a matter, you'll know, those are the things that make you feel something with your full body. Golden Nugget number two, break up with your old self. Think back to when you're in your 20s and 30s. You likely wanted different things then and acted completely differently than you do now. That's okay. It's not just okay. It's good. It means you are constantly evolving and becoming the you that's meant to happen. There's no reason to look back at the former versions of yourself and wish that was something different. All of those years come back with experience and learning new things. They create texture, you're currently your best. Knowing all of that do new things. Midlife doesn't mean the end of the road. It just means becoming a new you. Golden Nugget. Number three, you create your own story. Oftentimes, we try to label ourselves and the women around us. We sit there and try to fit the mold of whatever that label may be. If we're stay at home moms, we have to be the perfect mom to the kids and the best wife, The Stepford wife, the Pinterest, Mom, we do this because we hear from others that that's what you're supposed to do. That's what we see on social media also. But in reality, it's not. You have to create your own narrative. You get to do the things that feel right to you, or work well in your own life, not other people's lives. You'll always have to hear the judgment, the peanut gallery from others around you. But at the end of the day, you're all that you have. You have to create your life your best life on what you know is good for you. Golden Nugget number four, do things intentionally. There are so many times I hear that people are doing something because they think it will fill a hole in their lives. They think this one thing is going to make them feel better. And that really isn't the case. Think of it this way. If you do something that you think will make you happier, and then you do it and it does it now what you've just spent so much time on something that didn't

1:30:00

actually speak to you. You have to try and do everything intentionally and truly from the bottom of your heart that thing those things that you've been yearning to do, you'll enjoy the entire ride instead of just the final destination. It doesn't mean it's not hard, it just will be more meaningful for you. The gold is dripping off these nuggets who rabbit use it? There are three things you can do first is Subscribe. Subscribe, subscribe to this podcast. Second is share it with some friends who would like to hear some midlife shit. And third, write an apple review and I will send you a flexible neurotic mug if you sent me the screenshot. Oh and a force. follow my Instagram with the flexible neurotic. Talk soon