EPISODE 32: FINDING YOUR PERSONAL ESSENCE & MAYBE A SILK ROBE

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When I have my toes on the edge that thrill that excitement, I just think that's the way we're supposed to be living life not you know, sitting back with just the view

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Hey, peeps, welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year. I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD wipe the menopause, sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shovel and started digging deep to all my midlife pitches. It's not just luck, coffee and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this.

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Hi, good peeps. This is the next episode of The flexible neurotic Podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken V flexible, neurotic. Today I have a guest who is a serial entrepreneur, a top rated life business and brand stylist we're going to talk about what that means helping women create iconic female platforms, businesses and lives. She is also the podcast host of becoming iconic podcast. And did I mention mama for she has decades of marketing experience and is most recently the creator of her own signature mastermind program called Essence, where she coaches women in finding their true cause of themselves and how it relates to the world around them. Her name is Jen Spiegel. Hi, Jen. Hey, Sarah. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited. You're here. And I just told you before we started recording, like this woman looks amazing. And I'm like your makeup looks so pretty. She's like, I'm not really wearing any I'm like, oh shit. So you just have that like natural. I just took a sauna glow. We're gonna have to like talk a little bit about that skincare situation, Jen let you in all my secrets for sure. Yeah, because you know, we're in like the you know, the demographic for this podcast is like midlife. We're kind of in the thick of it ourselves. So if we could get any secrets from you, that'd be great. In this episode, we're going to dive deep with Jen and begin to peel back the layers of our midlife onions. Then you must have a golden shovel if you work with women on personal growth and expansion. Do you have 100? Yeah. 100 would be the sliver of what I have to offer I thought for sure. Yeah, my goodness. Jen says this is the time midlife in our lives and we're becoming iconic to ourselves by finding and owning who we really are. Midlife, midlife, midlife. So we're going to find out who the fuck Jen should be go really Ed's? You ready? Jen? I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's bring it. Okay. So we're gonna jump into Jen Spiegel and how her platform is helping women peel back the layers of the midlife onions and creating the lives and the businesses they want.

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You say you want women to begin to own themselves. And it wasn't until you realize that in your own life that you really started to feel like you had meaning and that you were figuring out who the fuck you were. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah, yeah, sure. That feels like a really long winded story, but to shorten it. And to give like, the meat and potatoes of what that was, is a lot of my life felt like it was happening to me. I kept asking the question like, why do these things keep happening to me? What am I doing? What am I attracting? And it was just one sort of life circumstance after another. And there became a point in my life and it wasn't like a distinctive moment. This was an evolution but an evolution where I started to really realize that all of these things were my greatest teachers. And when I started to look at the what we would call hard or difficult situations, or relationships in my life, and start to frame that in the way of like, what am I learning? What is this teaching me right now? I became so empowered through my story, where so many years I felt disempowered, I felt a lack of control. I was craving outward validation. I mean, I was hungry, to be validated by others. And in leadership. That was beautiful. Because obviously I built massive organizations where that came into my world, but when you're counting on that, for your energy and for how you show up and how you feel about yourself, so much of my power was outside of me. So it was when I started really standing in my power deciding. I'm going to take the reins of my life and I'm going to stop thinking why is this happening to me?

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and said why is this happening for me? And was there a specific moment that like you felt like shit this is really happening because I know for me in this whole midlife journey know obviously we all know the term midlife crisis, right, but I'm sort of seeing it as a midlife remix. And the reason I call it the midlife remix instead of the crisis is for exactly what you're talking about. It's like hey, you guys. Yeah, some of menopause and being in midlife sucks. But some of its like, amazing. And let's like use this opportunity and show that we do have agency and we do have choices and we can't, like you say, like, sit back and become the victims and like letting everything happen to us to us. And what choices can we make every single day no matter how small they are to REMAX. Right. Right. And that's our superpower. That's the one thing as a mid age woman who is still feeling vibrant and young, I think sometimes my birth certificates wrong. So I

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look at my wrinkles, just, I have to let the Botox run out. And then I come back and see where I'm at. And then you're like, Okay, there we go. That's enough filter, right?

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That's a true story. What happened for me, and what I believe happens to a lot of women is when we're not in tune with ourselves, so when we're looking outside of ourselves for validation for, you know, our little ideas of success, and we're grasping at that, we don't hear the whispers. And so I lived my life, one of my if we can call it regrets, but it really genuinely is something I'm still working through and will work through is not listening to my inner voice not hearing myself not asking myself questions, not hearing the whispers and the guidance and just being so quick to make decisions. And I was molding to everybody around me constantly. It was like shape shifting constantly. And so it was a particular moment. That was a brick in the head because I hadn't listened to the whispers. I wasn't tuning in. I wasn't taking the time to be with myself. And that came through hemorrhaging. I actually started to hemorrhage about two years ago, I started my cycle and it just was beyond the something I've never experienced before. And I again, not listening to the whispers and brushing it off. Oh, well, you know, it's menopause. My hormones are changing. I've been stressed whatever it was, I have four kids and ATS is, right. Yeah. So I just kept pushing that aside, because it was like plow through plow through keep going. And I eventually went into the hospital, they did all sorts of tests were like, No, it's menopause, like you're fine. You're menopause. Here's some clotting medication to get this under control. And it was two days later that I was hospitalized and receiving blood transfusions in the blood was leaving me faster than they could infuse it into my body. And that was a really pivotal moment in my life. Probably because one of the first real health scares I ever had. I've been very fortunate with my health. But also this moment where I had to stop. It wasn't even a choice of keep going through I had to stop. And I feel like this woman was planted in my life. I honestly call her one of my angels that came to Earth because I don't know who she is. I don't know if I'll ever find her. But she was an OBGYN. And she just appeared in my room, how she got there, who she was referred from, I have no idea still. And she said to me, this has nothing to do with your physical body. What's happening to you right now is a spiritual cleansing, because I just feel it. What do you need to me the chills like full body chills, ah, ah, no is powerful. And in the moment I just sort of thought looked at her as a doctor because she was dressed in that, but her message landed.

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And I thought what if this isn't physical? And what if this is actually a spiritual awakening? What if this is in fact my body cleansing from so much hurt that was still held in my body for all the things I desire to be but not giving myself permission to be for chasing the word balance and like, wanting everything to fit together perfectly, when it was about loosening the grip, like I was white knuckling and it was, it was working, I was highly successful. My family was gorgeous and beautiful and cared for everything was working. But I still had a white knuckle grip on my life. And that loosened the grip. And when I loosened the grip, I feel like everything changed for the better. And I didn't even know it could get better to be honest with you. And how long do you think that that from the moment that you were in the hospital to the moment that you actually started to see the change? Like how long do you think that was?

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It felt instantaneous. It felt like once I recognized it and acknowledged it that everything could come through and I became heightened. I don't know how to describe it. It sounds woowoo I get it

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Because in that room that sounded whoo hoo when she said that, that to me, she's even talking about chakras and like chakras. I've heard that but I don't know what that is right? And I'm not necessarily I haven't swung the pendulum so far the other way where I'm, you know, doing chakra work all the time, but I'm definitely more in tune with my spirit, my soul, I'm definitely more in tune with what is real for me, integrity, values, ethics character, what actually brings pleasure into my life, versus feeling like I need to show pleasure, what if I actually get to be in pleasure? And that change was so good, I can't go back.

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Can you give me an example of like, the pleasures that you have found recently that you didn't even know that you had? Yeah, I would love to dive into this. Because here's something just to acknowledge, because I know everybody listening in to you, and the beautiful advocate, you are for mid age women.

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Here's something we have that's really special that other women don't have yet. And this is okay. It's not a better than it's just, it just is we have experience. And so what I was in my 20s, growing, you know, to multiple six figures and 30s, holding the multiple six figures and now growing a second business that's built into that. I didn't always have experience I had the grit, I had the willingness I had the work ethic, I had the vision, I had the leadership, but I didn't always have experience. Now, I pair all of that with experience and something really beautiful starts to unfold where it's this confidence, this peaceful, beautiful confidence that I believe is the sexiest part of any woman, regardless of her shape, size, color, background, wealth, when you see a woman come into a room, and she's rolling her shoulders back and peacefully competent, not needing to prove anything to anybody. That is the most alluring seductive woman in the room, and I am drawn to her. And I started to ask myself, if I'm so drawn to that, why can't I embody and be that and what is it about her? I'm so drawn to that I have not yet let be seen or brought out. And so I just started practicing different things. For example, I was in the hustle culture growing my first few businesses and hustle culture told me I needed to get up at 5am and journal and write my affirmations and read 10 pages and get the kids off in the like, it was just this massive schedule of to dues at specific times. And that was what a high caliber, big leader in the world did. I thought well, what if it's not just that what if that did work for me? And what if something new could be, you know, grown or flourish from that? And so it started with putting on a silk robe. I mean, it's literally that simple. In the morning, I thought what would make me feel really feminine? What would make me feel really beautiful from the time I woke up without even looking in the mirror the way my hair looks? Or checking my breath. I mean, I'm talking about from the moment I stepped on the floor, and that was the feeling of silk on my body. And so I bought myself a silk robe. It took me a while actually to find one I had to be like I had an image and I just became her. And then I thought okay, I feel really beautiful and feminine this robe. What if I lit a candle and extended my morning into not having to do anything but actually built a relationship with myself and a romantic relationship with myself and what I mean by that it's not sexual, it's actually asking myself questions like What do you like? What makes you feel good? What sparks something in you what would today if it was a perfect day to do whatever you wanted to do? What would that look like? And what would that feel like? And those questions started to be like almost dating myself and getting to know myself and that's what's grounded me and anchored me into my leadership now. It's the it was the next evolution that next next phase I suppose and so little tiny practices can make the world of difference you think a candle lighting a candle in the morning when it's still the sun still rising and you're in a silk robe. I mean, women we love this stuff. Why are we doing that for ourselves? Now the Silk Road makes me think about the silk pillowcase that I have. Yeah, I do. Like I don't like sleeping on silk like silk sheets because I feel like I'm too sweaty for that right now. But the silk pillowcase I'm really digging I feel like it's like good for my hair. It's good for my skin and so I can relate to that sort of sumptuous luxurious feel. The soap robe I haven't gotten to yet is there. Is there a brand is there one that you like so much since you did so much research on it. I feel like we need to know well there are some and you know what

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Mine is not going to sound luxurious. But it truly is because it's me. There's some really beautiful ones out there, I wanted to come mono. So I knew I wanted a big sleeve. I didn't necessarily want it, I want it to be long. That was, I wanted it long and flowy. So I imagined myself and ladies, like do this for yourself. Imagine yourself walking to your kitchen to make your coffee. And that like floatiness of silk on your body, and how you would walk gently and gracefully versus stomping and like, Oh, I'm tired. And I mean, this is what we do. What if we don't have to feel that way? What if actually, you get to like almost elegantly walk and gracefully enter the kitchen. And it's like creating that for yourself. Those desires are not make believe they get to be your experience if you allow it to be and it doesn't have to be expensive. My robe came from Zara.

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Why do we judge ourselves? Like why do we think it's overindulgent or over the top? Or that we don't deserve that extra 15 minutes or that hour? Or that time with our coffee in the newspaper? Like why? Why are we so judgmental of that? Oh, that's a great question. And there's something loud coming through me. So I'm going to say it and I don't know where it's gonna go. But I feel like it's because we're judging others. And as women who write we, we look at other women, and it doesn't need to be a negative judgment, it could just be a judgment of how she's showing up and how she's living her life. Or maybe we're at a restaurant, and we happen to notice the way she's talking to our kids. We're constantly looking outside of ourselves. It's just what we have done. And I'm saying that that doesn't necessarily go away. But what if we actually spent more time looking inward more time with ourselves more time? Really nurturing who we are. And then that will stem this confidence, this poise this? It's like a courage to be yourself. Yes.

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And we are all meant to do something here. And people will say to me all the time, especially my clients, I want to find my purpose, I want to find my mission. What is it? Can you help me find it? Can you cultivate it with me. And we all share the same purpose. It's like we can relax the purpose is to come home to ourselves. That's our purpose. And the businesses, the things the house, the family, even our byproducts of that journey. And if we can just acknowledge that, like, what an empowering thought my purpose in life is to come home to me. Wow. So my relationship with my husband is no longer about what is he going to do for me, but what am I learning through this? And who am I becoming through this? My kids no longer need to validate me as a mom, and constantly tell me, they love me and constantly pat me on the back. Because I know that I am and who am I becoming through the beautiful teachers that they are in my life? You know, and taking time for ourselves? It becomes a non negotiable because that's part of our focus every day. You know, people say, Well, I don't wash my face. What do you mean, it's your face? Like, what does that mean?

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And so, if we acknowledge ourselves, spend time looking in the mirror and time in relationship, all of a sudden, now we're not judging others. We're not even necessarily judging ourselves, because it's such with such grace and pleasure that we're doing these things, that that slips away and we sink into this massive like, I want to call it like this comfy couch of love. And you're sinking in. And it just feels so good that you end up leading your days like that going forward. But how do we stay in our own lanes because I feel like with social media, and everything being so readily available, and this whole idea of comparison itis like there's this feeling of like yeah, I wear makeup every day. I wear makeup to carpool I'm wear makeup if I'm working out like that's just me. And I don't deny it. I don't try to hide it. But I know there are people who have been judgmental of that. They're like, why is she dressed to like go to carpool or whatever? And my answer is, I'm doing it for me for no one else. Like even during like the pandemic and locked down. I would still put my tinted moisturizer on a mascara. Not because I care but my husband thought or that my mom was gonna FaceTime me just so that like when I walked by a mirror I was like, Okay, I have my shit together. But that's my version of me. And I think that that's like part of the part of this midlife permission to be yourself as I think a lot of us do need to stop judging other people and ourselves and just live in our own lanes and whatever that is you want

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Botox, you don't want Botox. You like spinning but you don't like Pilates, whatever it is, but just kind of cut the judgement down a little bit like I have a daughter who just finished middle school. Middle school is the time. Like we're everyone's at each other's throats, you know, and everybody wants to just blend in and keep the status quo. But I feel like midlife is this time where like, Hey, you guys do it the way you want to fucking do it. And if someone's there to judge you, then you have to just toss them to the side and keep going, because it's never going to end. Right? Right. You have some good nuggets in that because a couple things come through. Number one, when we're judging or being judged, it's because we're triggered in some way some way you are mirroring to her, what she is capable of. You are mirroring to her what she has desire for. And so if someone says to you, I cannot believe Dr. Sarah, you got your makeup on? I am for drama. So used to be by now I'm talking about years ago. But yeah, but even if subconsciously, they're thinking that I would guarantee if we dug into it down at the core, she's probably not caring for herself. That doesn't mean for her makeup necessary. Have you had a bath recently? And like a long bath? Have you had a good conversation with a friend recently? Have you worked out? Have you done your nails? Like what is it that you're not creating for yourself that is being mirrored to you and it's triggering. So when we're judging or being judged, that's all it is. And that's to me, one of the best things for staying in my lane. So when I stay in my lane, and trust me, I've had some I've had some mean girls come in my life in the past that would attract me in the past, I would have stopped and gone into their lane and probably danced and done cartwheels and whatever I could to woo them to, you know, validate me. So there we go back to that validation inside of me, it was through those experiences that I realized it didn't matter what I did, they didn't want to like it, they didn't want to appreciate it because I was mirroring something. And so that's as women, when we can look at that judgment really starts to slip away, and we become less judgmental. And when someone judges us, it's not that it doesn't penetrate. But I look at it like we have this force field around us, you feel the vibration of that judgment, but it's not going to pierce you, they're going to come in. And that's really powerful to stay in your lane because that means you're focused in on here's who I am, I'm in integrity, I'm in my values, I'm showing my character. And it's not for everybody. But I can stand firm in this and know that that judgment is just not of Me.

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How would you tell women in midlife who are trying to scratch their midlife itchy is trying to figure out how to own themselves. Like curiosity is a general word. But like what are specific things that we can do to cure with curiosity to like, figure out what those passions are, like you said, like, figure out what the next step is? Yeah.

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Curiosity was a word I took on when I was in deep, deep healing. What I found in my experience is when I was looking at hard things, things that happen in my life, that whole victim mentality would just, you know, I'd be soaked in it. So for a woman listening, and it could look like this. Well, why does my husband not support me? It could look like this. Well, I have four kids, she has no kids. It could look like this. I don't look the way Dr. Sarah does, you know, I, I am overweight. Okay, whatever that means, however, we're judging that. So there's lots of things that come in our way curiosity comes in when we go. Why do I feel like I need my husband's support in order to walk forward and do what I'm being called to do? And so when I would ask myself, Why do I feel that way? Why and then the why came out of that answer, why do I feel that and I would come to the root, I would always through that question come to the root cause. And then I could do a lot of good work. There was a lot of forgiveness when I got to that root cause and I'll be honest with you, ladies, so much forgiveness came I had to forgive myself. I forgive myself for the way I allowed people to treat me and to give forgive myself for the amount of guilt I held through going through a divorce. I to help hold myself to forgiveness for how I allowed myself to show up sometimes when there was a lot of self forgiveness when oftentimes, we're waiting to forgive others, right? We step up and we're like, Well, you know, she did this to me or my husband did this to me or, you know, we're pointing his fingers thinking we need to forgive others. There's so much power in doing this work and

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forgiving ourselves, and I believe it comes with a gentle curiosity. Now, it sounds like you have tried many, many spiritual, quote, treatments, modalities experiences. Like, is there one thing? Is it breathwork? Like, is there one thing that you were like that did it for me? Because I feel like so many of us are on this like, self expansion journey of trying to figure out why what curiosity, but we can't quite put our finger on what is going to nail it for us, right? I believe healing and leadership, they must be married. And that is what's going to create something stable. So breathwork, for sure you go through a typical sort of therapy session, I suppose, where there's lots of questions asked, and you're diving into something. And at the end, you do breath and the breath, the rhythm of this breath is actually scientifically proven to change you at a cellular level. And what I love about it is it's breathe in the truth of who we are. So you're, you're speaking truths. You're saying, when, what do I want? What do I desire and breathing that and so it's very hypnotic. It's uncomfortable at first, the first few times it did, I was like, Ah, I don't know about this. And now it's a staple in my life. I have to be honest, I tried it last night. And I was a disaster, like, and when I say disaster, I just was like, this breathing is too hard. It has to be through the mouth. I like to breathe through my nose, this specific one, it just didn't resonate with me. Right. And I, and obviously, I'm not gonna bail on it. But I just I guess I'm just trying to get from you. Because I'm trying to get my head around the whole concept. It's sort of like meditation mixed with life coaching and breathing all together? Yeah, yeah, it's a supportive tool. It's just a supportive tool. And for me, it was the completion like the chapter was closed. So if I spoke about my childhood, and, you know, dug into some of that, and had some good cries through that session, at the end, it was like, Well, what actually is the truth of that story? So I'm not putting any more energy into what happened. Instead, I'm looking at it with a fresh perspective with a fresh set of eyes. I actually don't even think I need to speak about this anymore. Because I feel like I've healed that let's move on. It's yeah, it feels it's beautiful. That and I do need to add in, because maybe for some people, they're not open to that yet. And that's okay. I'm working on it. And there are different types of breaths. That's important to know, there's different types. The other piece is solitude. So everything I teach, is solitude. And that was a huge part in the evolution of who I am today. How do you define it, though? And how long is it? And how many times a week is it? Right? No rules. Because we always want to box everything. As a woman, I meditate for 20 minutes, because I'm supposed to says Dr. Joe Dispenza. daily practice, it is a daily practice every single morning, when I'm sipping that coffee, there are no to dues, nothing. I am simply sitting in solitude. And that's where I can hear. That's where I can feel. That's where I experienced the growth of me like the openness of the day, I feel so steady. So are you checking email, Instagram, any of those things, I will also touch on just your day start with real life. 11 o'clock, 11 o'clock, okay. And that's what I teach most of my clients, they can't believe it. But it doesn't, it doesn't work for everybody. I have some clients who have ADHD. And so working in a condensed form doesn't work for them. So they're more like take those moments of solitude sporadically throughout their day. So it's not a one size fits all. We are not linear beings. As women, we are so beautiful and complex and wonderful. So what feels good for me what feels good is condensed work time. I love a long morning, and I love a long evening. So I work diligently and condensed and amount of time in my day. And I work really well that way. Some women don't.

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We're used to titles like you're the CEO of this, or you're the mom of four, or you're the wife of blah, blah. But once you hit mid life, like for me, like my son's gonna be out of the house in a year and a half, and my daughter is going to be out of the house in four years. And I don't have a quote, job, you know, there's my pot, you know, my podcast, but what are we when we take away all those titles, and that's what feels like scary and feels sort of ambiguous and random and unknown. It's like, I don't think a lot of us can answer that question like what kind of answers should be be looking for in ourselves that answer like that answer that question of like, who am I without all of these labels?

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Like, what is coming home? And what does that mean? Yeah. And so what that brings forward to me is just not necessarily you, but somebody asking this question is there is a disconnect. And so it's not we see how we want to title it again, like my essence, I want to know what that is like, my essence is compassion, you know, and that might be an element of who you are. But leadership comes to mind with compassion, and empathy. And so for everybody, it's so unique and individualized. And to rather than put our finger on it, rather than declare it and proclaim it for a woman, what if that discomfort, that identity that you're really craving, that you actually just start sinking your teeth into it by spending that time alone, it's really loud and clear, when you practice that you really start to go, wow, I desire wealth. That took me a long time to say, for so long, I had so much shame around that, like who am I to say, I want wealth and who am I to say rich woman, it felt so uncomfortable. But I also know that that is a part of who I desire to be, so that I can share more and do more for other people, and that I can show my daughters and my sons, here's what it's like to hold that and be responsible in that. And I'm okay, proclaiming it because it comes from a pure place, it comes from my essence, it's not greed, it's not a designer bag on my body. It's memories and experiences. You know, I took my, my two younger children and my husband to Atlantis Bahamas, which is just such like, it's such a special place for us. And we went for two weeks. Wow. Yeah, it was beautiful. And I thought this is because I have said out loud, and I desire to be the woman that is able to create these experiences. It feels really good to be here right now and know that the days I didn't feel like it, and the days I question and the days I didn't feel steady on my feet, I continue to dig and sit in that curiosity. And because of that, I'm able to create this. So it's not an answer, necessarily, like this is what it is, because it's going to be so individualized. It's who you are. I mean, and without getting into all like quantum physics and everything else. I mean, it's it's, it's into love. I mean, that's where we can start because we're either making decisions in our lives out of fear, or out of love. It's one or the other.

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And so when you can start to say yourself, hmm, I'm not sure who I am. I need to know who I am. You know, Jen's talking about this, but I don't feel it. Are you in fear right now? Or are you in love? Because fear would make that frantic? Like needing to grasp it and title it love would be hmm, I'm really excited to figure out who I am until and to be in relationship with, can you be in love and still be stressed? Yes, because it's our human experience. But what we can do in those moments of high stress of overwhelm of burnout is to say, am I in love? Or am I in fear right now, I'm in fear. I'm feeling overwhelmed. The kids are bothering me, I'm trying to get something done. And I'm really recognizing that it's a temporary state 100%. And I think in one of your podcasts, you called it like a snag versus being stuck. Right? It's sort of like you can kind of go in and tinkle and twinkle with it a little bit. Not necessarily fix it, but that something is temporary or fleeting. And it's not like a Forever, forever burden. Now, would you say that essence is different than superpower? Because there's this whole idea of like, what's your superpower? What's your strength? Like in terms of trying to figure out what your passion or your purpose in life is? How do you feel like essence and superpower relate? Yeah, so essence when you can define it, or at least, it's a feeling, that's how I can I can best describe it. It's a feeling, and your superpower will stem from that we all have superpower. And this is the thing as women, we're so accustomed to watching how Dr. Sarah is doing something or Jen's doing something, and we're looking outside of ourselves constantly for the evidence, when you are the evidence in your own life, like for crying out loud stand up. And even if right now you're standing up with your back kind of hunched over because you're still not feeling 100% Certain. It's by standing up and making that first action towards you and what you want to have in your life and allowing that in that's what creates a superpower. The superpower is simply getting out of your own way. Women who look and feel powerful are the women who know that life and manifesting is for us and we can have anything we desire. That's the truth. And everything we're living in right now has been manifested good or not so good. And so it's

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allowing that essence that feeling that sturdiness.

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that knowing to then start folding out into the world, and then all of a sudden you start to see the evidence coming back at you. It's like a vortex just like, whoa, all of a sudden, you have money, miracles, I mean, it started happening for me. I woke up one morning and $14,000 have found money entered my bank account. I mean, these are real life experiences I've had, and it's come from this steady place.

35:26

I know that you use this concept called micro goals. So I feel like I want to give listeners like a real practical tool of like how they can sort of access that impersonal information. So can you tell us how a listener or one of your clients would create a micro goal mini plan for that? Yeah, yeah. And something's coming up with the superpower. Because I think this is important. So if somebody comes into my world and sits at the table with me, what she's gonna know is, none of it is outside of herself. Again, she is the superpower. Like, it's you. It's not a well articulated woman, you know, she can speak more clearly than I can. It's not that you are your own superpower. So once we land in that, and it can still feel uncomfortable, and it can still feel unknown. It's not this, you know, ever knowing and I still work at this every single day. But once we acknowledge that and go, Oh, I can release all these things of half twos. I can release these titles. I can release the comparison. I can release the hurts. I am the superpower of my life. I am the person is going to create how now can I set those micro goals? Well, it's just now taking that step. And it will probably be before you're ready. So one of the biggest things I find in women is being seen. This is something right for. You've had the I've heard your podcast, you've had these conversations being seen. feel so vulnerable. Yep.

36:59

Especially at 46. Yes, because what we know Instagram specifically, I mean, Instagram was built on if you were blond, skinny, young and had a great outfit, you were going to be an influencer. Well, it's not bad anymore. So that's the good news for all of us. It's not that anymore. And I don't even desire to do my marketing to that young, beautiful girl. She's in a different Lane than I am. What I know to be true is we're all craving, sincerity. We're all craving what we say as authenticity. But I mean, like real authenticity, not the shape shift. Yeah. Connection. It's like, wow, I resonate with what she's saying, I feel that energy, I want to have part of that energy. Right? Right. And so if we know that that's enough, because we've gone into our essence, we know where we are the superpower of our lives, and we know we're enough, we were born worthy, like you're worthy upon arrival, then now we set these goals of maybe for someone it's like, oh my gosh, saw my face on Instagram. I remember two, three years ago, I didn't even have Instagram three years ago. And the selfie thing got me I was so triggered is like what are these women with all these pictures of themselves all over their Instagram pages. So bizarre to me. I thought it was narcissistic. I was judging, judging, judging, turn that mirror around. What was saying to me is, I couldn't I don't feel worthy of being seen. Like I want to do a real I don't want to dance in a tick tock. I'm gonna like such a weirdo, right? And here's the thing, I don't want to dance in a real either or do a tick tock. And that's that you just hit it right there. That's the micro goal. What feels good, what feels good, what gets you excited to show up. And if it's a real and dancing and being fun, and that's your personality, just do one start. If for you that is super uncomfortable, like it is for me, maybe for me, like I journal through my posts. Those are my journal entries that day. I love pouring into writing. And so that's how I get to be seen in that day. That feels really good for me. And it's taking those micro steps just starting and not necessarily having it all figured out. And I'll perfected Is it ever perfected as the question is not and and just allowing yourself to see now people respond. And when you start to feel people respond, even just one person. That's what ignites that's that spark that gets ignited. Yeah. And I also think like, it's sort of this muscle where the more you use it, the more the stronger it's going to become, the more confident you're going to become. Because putting yourself out there doing anything new feels so scary. You know, for a lot of the listeners, including myself, it's like every single person is starting a business or starting a company, but you can have these micro goals just as like a person and I listened to one of your episodes and you were talking about like making a list of micro goals.

40:00

Have you know, like, the eight reasons why and like eight things that you want to do in a month? It's like get a manicure once a month, get a haircut, take my daughter for a horseback riding lesson. How can we how can women use that tool in just their everyday lives? Even if they're not starting a business or creating some being?

40:25

Yeah, cuz I believe we all love the chase a little bit. You know, we all have that in us. And it comes out in different ways. For me, it's definitely a business, I love growing a business and I love meeting a woman was an idea and creating something big with that. It's like, amazing. But what I know for women is we do compare. So going back to that for a second, we look and we go, well, once I hit six figures in my business, then I'll feel like a true leader, someone who can charge for my services or, you know, feel more confident because I have the evidence. Well, I too, started at zero, I didn't start where I am today. And so what it is, is creating these little goals for yourself that you get to applaud and like champion yourself along the journey go up, I reached it, and I always attached it to a gift. Like I love incentives. I love rewards that feels good for me. So I would incentivize myself, I'd say, Okay, if I work out, let's just use that rather than business. If I work out every day, this week, I'm going to go buy that Lululemon top that I really, really want, but I'm going to earn it, I love earning things. So I would earn that type. And when I bought it, it felt good. It felt burned, it felt like when I put it on my body is like Yeah, and it motivated me to do it again. And do it again, same with pedicure, I would say to myself, Okay, I'm going to reach out to people and build connections. And when I do that 10 times, I'm going to take myself for a pedicure, and I detached myself from the outcome, it wasn't 10 clients or 10 new customers, it was 10 new relationships that were starting to be built. And when I did that, and created that I would go treat myself to a pedicure. Yeah, and for women listening, it could just be like sending that email for the cooking class you want to take or the art class that you want to teach in an elementary school, or whatever it is. It doesn't have to be, you know, on starting, you know, a Forbes 400 company, but it could just be your everyday life. Like, for me cooking is a nightmare. So if I said to myself, like, Okay, if I make one meal this week, then X, Y and Z, I get what you're saying? Because you're sort of building momentum within yourself and that kind of confidence muscle. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes our vision is so audacious and big. And it feels so far in the future. Yeah, that we don't have that sense of, I don't know, willingness that fire in our belly to get up in the morning and go after it because it just feels so far away. So what could you do that motivates you that morning to get out of bed and pursue whatever it is health, business or relationship? You know, just knowing yourself? Maybe it's just that maybe that's what resonates. This podcast is like, gosh, I want to do more with myself. So how can you incentivize yourself? Well, I'm going to practice creating that space, that solitude space every day. And when I do that for a month, I'm going to go buy that silk robe, or I'm going to buy that silk robe, and then embody this, and one of the things I'm going to do is start sharing this experience, it doesn't even need to be something tangible, it could be that you actually go get the silk robe that motivates you to do it, but they call you right, the outcome is, this is what happened for me.

43:37

You talk about how transformation requires transaction.

43:43

And I want you to sort of explain to us like what that means. And let's just have like a, you know, a quick kind of conversation about it, because I do think there's a lot there. Mm hmm. Well, my coach actually is the one that says that and she's the one that taught me that and I I, I love it. Because here's what I know. I know when I invest in myself, so every coach to me, probably requires a coach. We're all growing. We're all on the evolution scale. So for me when I invest and purchase her coaching, which is the high investment most people, you know, it's high.

44:25

I know for me, that stretched me but I also know what it did for me. It allowed me to show that I believe in myself. That transaction is a physical exchange of belief. I believe in my idea, my whether it's life coaching my life or business, my business, I believe in it so much that I'm willing to invest this money and put this out there into the world because I know what I'm going to do through it and with it. And so that transaction can be the catalyst to incredible things it was for me and I just know the power of saying yes to ourselves.

45:00

We negotiate everything we negotiate, maybe I'm going to wait until I make some money and then I'll invest into this business. Or maybe I'll get that dress I really want once I lose the 10 pounds, we're always negotiating our desires. What if you started saying yes to them, and not with irresponsibility, but with a stretch, I love stretching, when I have my toes on the edge, that thrill that excitement, I just think that's the way we're supposed to be living life not, you know, sitting back with just the view. And there's, I think that accountability thing. So if I invest in a life coach, you invest in a life coach you in any someone invest in a course or whatever, when you're putting money towards something and your energy, you are going to be held more accountable. It's not just like waking up every day and kind of doing it randomly. And there's nothing wrong with that. But there is some accountability, like even if it's like The Five Minute Journal, where you know, at the end of every day, you're saying to yourself, like, what three small things did I do today? Yeah, towards my goal, like, did I walk? If it let's say, it's getting healthy? It's like, did I walk outside? Did I eat some green vegetables? And did I take my supplements? Like, those are three small things that most of us can manage to do? Right? But we don't do it all the time?

46:27

No, and it comes back to worthiness. Like, you know,

46:31

when we say yes to a coach or a mentor, again, we're saying yes to ourselves, but here's the thing. Speed is sexy. So when we start a business, can you find all this information on the internet? Yes. Will it take hours upon hours? Yes. And will you actually get their full insight their love their hands in your your life in business? No. And so it's really a decision. If someone's like, I really, I'm not building this business to build a legacy. I'm just doing it for fun. It's a side thing or, you know, my health, I'm just really wanting to improve it. I'm not really all in, then maybe that makes sense for you. But if you're someone right now, especially at our age, my goodness, we have so much life left so much the best part, like it's our best part going forward. It's not the worst, we've been told age. It's the best years are ahead of us, because we've gathered all this experience. We know who we are, we're standing in her. Now imagine investing in that dream. Imagine what you could do. Ah, the wisdom that comes through a woman or age the power. It's, it's just absolutely exquisite. I love watching it. So when women go through your essence program, like when they're done with the five weeks, like what is your goal? Like what what you see, like golden nuggets are they left with? Yeah, they're gonna leave. They're going to leave with such beautiful strategy attached to energetics around sales and marketing, their programs, products or services, whatever they're bringing out into the world, I work with everybody. Because I've had so much experience. So whether it's a product or program, it doesn't really matter, because I'm welcoming in the FEM PR newer, a female entrepreneur who wants to stand up and leadership and start to really refine and show up with her essence. So when we I come over to your Instagram, I feel you energetically I feel your certainty in your message. I feel that you are building a luxury brand. You're in this because the thing with leadership and with any of our businesses, we need to build trust, and how do you build trust? Well, by your community, knowing they can count on you, your community seeing that you're in the deep end, that you're not doing this just for $1, you're doing this to really make an impact on hearts. And so that's what they're going to leave with as I see it as steadiness, excitement, elevation. And I really it will be beautiful to watch just from an aesthetic point of view, what happens in their brand, their brand will really elevate. Now for the midlife woman who is not starting a business, but the business. They're trying their personal transformation is their business or their personal goal at that time. What can your strategies bring to them?

49:24

Yes, and because I'm a certified life coach, it's something I'm really proud of, actually, because people can really work with me based on what they're desiring in that moment. There's a lot of time people come in to grow a business and we spend the majority of our time working on mindset and healing and how to really elevate through their life. So it's interesting and it's really beautiful. So you would be able to come into my space and find that you're going to be inspired to create change and momentum and transformation. And I look at it as raising the bar of excellence. What we see as a standard right now, what if that high ends up being

50:00

Coming the the sort of the ground level, right we raise ourselves up where all of a sudden what seems so big becomes simpler and now like what now what can we do now? How can I show up in my life now? What type of community or or women can I get around I love networking women. That is one of my my specialties because we get to sit around the table with really beautiful humans when we are intentional about it. There's nothing like like minded, energetic people who are in your sort of vibration. And you can feel that like you know it, you're like, oh, that person, I'm not really sure if we're like, jiving here. But when you do find those people who are like in your lane and in your court, it just feels so good. And I feel like midlife is also this time where, you know, you can make new friends like I've made so many new friends and connections through this podcast, I bet. And you just and you know, you just keep building and building. Um, but before I ask you my wrap up question, we have to talk about your skincare for a minute, because as much as this podcast is about changing your mindset, finding your passions, you know, midlife pre mixing, part of midlife remixing is taking care of your shit. So let's talk about your skin.

51:19

So this is like a story, but I'll, I'll create a small story. So I always had problematic skin. I was medicated for acne through my teens and just very insecure. And your faces what is the first impression? I mean, everybody, the first thing you see is somebody's face. And so because of my acne prone skin, I was raised to spend money and invest in your skin. My mom always said your hair and your face invest. It's what people see. First, it is the first impression of you. So I'm really grateful for that. And it's not to say that it has to be perfect or you have to look a certain way. It's just that you're taking care of yourself. 100% Okay, so I work my way around with skincare. I love essential oils. I love them. I don't sell them, but I love them. And I really believe in essential oils for my skin, specifically frankincense that's made a huge difference in my skin. So I use it. I mix it in with my day cream. So Frank and I are in a really steady solid relationship.

52:23

I use oil during the day because I have melasma Okay, so for me to put oil on, it's like high sun come fucking find me. You know, nighttime. I do though. So I'm going to try that. Okay. Hi, Frank. And, Frank. I really love SkinCeuticals. Right now I'm on I actually like, this is the thing, I have this round table of women, I have a skincare professional, who I go to who helps me and supports me in my skin. So I have someone who's like, Hey, I've got this new product, try it out, see what you like, I love switching it up, be playful. And again, sometimes women are like, this is what I've used for last 20 years. And if that's what you love, and it feels luxurious, when you put it on your skin and you're enjoying that process. Amazing. But are you just slopping it on? Because it's what you've always used and it's simple and trying to be easy. I'd say well, what if you actually stepped into the woman? Like, if you had? Let's even just lowball it $100,000 in your bank account today. Okay, you had that. So money wasn't something you were considering? Would you be using that skincare? Would that woman who's in that posture in that life? Would she be making those choices? Every choice I make is from the woman I know I'm pursuing not from who I am today. So luxury, luxurious, beautiful products are part of me embodying and it doesn't mean it has to cost 1000s of dollars. I don't spend 1000s of dollars on nice things. It's just that I care. I'm intentional about everything I do. Yeah, I think caring about ourselves about where we're going. It's that it's that, like, when you stop wanting to personally grow. That's when it's game over. Yeah. And I think that so much of midlife and I, I've interviewed so many people on this topic, and it comes up over and over again. It's this permission to take that time for yourself. Yeah. And, you know, another part of that is not is taking the time for yourself to eat. broadsky calls it to be interested and be interesting.

54:34

And I think that that's a really interesting way of looking at it because a lot of times as moms, you know, we'll show up at a dinner party and someone will say, Well, what do you do? And you're like, I'm just a mom. I'm just a, I'm just a mom. And I think we're all so accustomed to these titles. And it's like, well, what could I say? Like, could I say I'm a personal expansionist. You know what I mean?

55:00

Like and really getting comfortable in like, Yeah, I'm a mom. And it's just like when your kids are going off to college and your label is sort of quote ending, like, what advice? Do you have Jen? For those moms who are like, wait, I was a mom. And now my kids are going to college, like what happens with our identity? Yeah. Well, there's going to be a level of forgiveness, again to self write that, because there's going to be a moment there where you're like, I lost myself. And you could sit in that and feel the emotion and the like, even a loss. Or you could say, rather than dwell, in that I lost myself, I'm going to be excited about finding myself, I'm gonna flip like, call it all the time, flip the switch, flip the switch and just change the perspective. And when you do that, everything becomes exciting and playful. Women, we don't even play very well anymore. Do we were so serious all the time. And you know, it brings me back to sort of that self care for a second is I hear women all the time. Like they say you have a massage weekly. And I had that before I could quote unquote, afford it. But I said, No, I go every week because I want to work out my kinks. Like I go with that mindset of like, work the kinks out of my body out of my mind, and I do the things that I know are gonna elevate me all the time. And maybe for you, you're like, Well, I can't make that work. What can you do? What can you do constantly to be in relationship with self? Yeah, can you go on a hike and take a bath? Yes, whatever it is. Sit and put your feet in the grass. ground yourself put your feet in the grass live now stop waiting that when I have this, then I will we're always this or that mentality? What if you get to be this and that. And if you're waiting for the money to come first, before you do these things for yourself, you're gonna be waiting for a really long time. But you understand you start to know is who am I going to be now to welcome in what I desire. It's optional.

57:04

Is there one thing that you want women in midlife to know about self reinvention and finding our essences, the word pivot is coming through and and pivoting is such a permission slip, you'd mentioned permission.

57:19

Nothing is permanent. Nothing is permanent. And one of my favorite quotes is you're not a tree move. And so rather than feel stuck, or stagnant or lost or unsure, those emotions that are not serving you, they're not elevating you. What if instead, you heightened your curiosity, but if instead you heightened the amount of self care and love you gave yourself What if you pursued yourself as much as you pursue the relationship with your children or a partner, whatever it may be? What if you just start to tweak and pivot how you've been showing up in your day, which then ripples into the next into the next. Pivoting is beautiful it's like a thrill it's, it's beautiful to try something and go ah, it doesn't feel right and pivot again and pivot again until you find your sweet spot. And when you find your sweet spot, that's where you get to really thrive. Ah, I love it. I feel like I could talk to you for 50,000 hours. If listeners want to find you Where can they find you? Well, they can find me on instagram i i love to play there that's Jen Spiegel and at SZPIG I E L so it's a funky name. Oh my god. You know many times I've typed that into Google Ra. Ah, I tell my husband every time I'm like if you ever doubt my lover commitment, my number I took on this last name okay, that that is the biggest sign of love ever. But I also I also love it because people have to think when they think about my name and the websites the scent same it's Jen Spiegel calm. There's tons of stuff over there and the becoming iconic podcast. That is my passion project. I love being on yours. This is a beautiful podcast thing. It's so nice to be able to serve and give generously to communities through a podcast. I just think it's such a selfless thing. And so I want to thank you too, for how you're showing so much. I appreciate that. I want to thank you for helping us peel back the midlife onion Jen. To get to our core to come home to get to our essences. I want people to think about what shit they can start doing today. One small step make a list. Make a small action step a micro goal I want to thank Jen for highlighting the tools and inspiration that helped us to continue to recreate ourselves in midlife and beyond and hence this podcast Jen Spiegel Thank you friend thank you

59:50

hey, peeps, it's me again. I listened to this episode with Jen Spiegel so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know

1:00:00

When I listened to a long episode, I'm like, oh my god, I love that. But now I can't even fucking remember specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. In this episode, we discuss the art of judging others, judging ourselves, setting micro goals to reach your dreams and being nice to yourself and perhaps wearing a silk bro. Golden Nugget number one seeking validation from others. It's so common to seek validation from others, it almost becomes addicting because in the moment, it feels great to have some compliment of us or just acknowledge the things that we're doing. But that addiction becomes deadly over time, because we start to greatly rely on it. And when we don't get it, we start to second guess ourselves and stress out. It's easier said than done. But we have to stop seeking validation from others and start finding it from ourselves within ourselves. Be your own cheerleader, pat yourself on the back in those times when you're looking for validation from others. Golden Nugget number two, take time for yourself. This is a non negotiable, you have to take time for yourself no matter what, whether it's at 15 minutes in the morning to drink your coffee and wear your soap robe or at night to take a bath or listen to music. It's so important to take the time and look inward to what you want, and what action steps would be good for you. By determining those and taking the time for yourself. Instead of constantly caring about everyone else, you'll fall into what Jen calls the couch of love that will surround you and make you feel better. Golden Nugget number three, stop judging others and stop judging you. As women, it's almost ingrained in us to constantly be judging. And that doesn't even have to be in a negative way either. We're constantly looking outside of ourselves and thinking about what everyone else is doing. I'll be honest, I'm guilty of doing that myself. We all are. But we have to wonder just how much easier life would be and how much better we would feel if we just stopped judging everyone and ourselves. And we all just lived in our own lanes. I mean, middle schools over guys. So we got to start living for ourselves. Just say fuck it and go with the flow instead of caring so much. I mean, come on. That's what I'm trying to do being that flexible, neurotic. Golden Nugget. Number four, what's making you judge on the note of judging others it's so important to ask yourself why you might be judging someone else or yourself. Jen brings up the fact that judging others comes from a place of mirroring your own insecurities. You might be looking at others and saying, Why is she wearing makeup in the carpool lane? Or why is she wearing that, but it really has nothing to do with her. But it's more about the things that trigger you the things that you might subconsciously be insecure about. Identifying those things can help you stop judging as much and start living your own best life. Golden Nugget number five, the superpower comes from you. Each one of us has a superpower no matter what it may be. The number one thing to remember is that it's coming from you. You're manifesting it not anyone else. Let that superpower drive you to achieve greatness without standing in your own way. Put those bullshit mental blocks that are telling you that you're not good enough aside and just let your superpower takeover. Golden Nugget number five set micro goals for yourself. Jen advises that each of us set up micro goals for ourselves. They don't have to be these huge grandiose goals of becoming a zillionaire overnight or an Instagram sensation or whatever. Because when you do that you're setting yourself up for failure. A true micro goal is whatever feels right for you. And something that's attainable. Just take those micro steps towards starting and the rest will come naturally. It doesn't mean that it's not hard. It just means that you'll get used to it over time and you'll become so addicted to the confidence muscle that you're building that you're going to keep going. The gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it use it. There are three things you can do first, subscribe, subscribe, subscribe to this podcast second, share with some friends who might like midlife shit. And third, write an app or view and send me a screenshot, share it on Instagram. And of course follow my instagram at the flexible neurotic Talk soon