What’s In My “Midlife Bag”? Omg!

Sarah Milken  00:00:00  Get ready with me is, like, too complicated because I can't figure out the fucking tripod. I can't figure out, like, how to get the thing to stick. So I just brought some of my shit with me. Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, doctor Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wipe the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Welcome back to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm Doctor Sarah Malkin, the flexible neurotic. Today we're going to mix it up a little bit.

Sarah Milken  00:01:07  Normally we just do an episode with a guest. We get into all the mid-life golden nuggets of shit that we should all know and want to be doing, and today we're doing a little TMI. You're going to talk with me. I'm going to talk with you. It's a little ask me anything. It's a little get into the DMs. It's a little community talk. I get hundreds of DMs from you guys every single week. I respond to every single one. So if you're watching and you've reached out to me, you fucking know that. I respond. Even if you message me four times, five times, six times, I respond every single time. So here I am today. I'm going to get into my baggage. We're going to talk about it. I have real baggage and we're going to unpack my fucking bags. Look, you guys. This is why I lift the dumb fucking weights. I don't want to, but I have to. I have to keep my muscles, my body in shape.

Sarah Milken  00:02:12  I'm just going to tell you we turn the AC off in here because it makes noise and I'm fucking sweating. I'm really wet. I'm not really nervous, but I'm just misty. I asked Michelle, the producer, if I should powder my face. She said no. It was a nice little dewy glow, so if you're seeing some dew. She told me it was good. I guess it's better than looking like a midlife fucking artifact that's all powdered up and shit. So I'm adding to my youthfulness with a little bit of the sweaty glow. This is the natural glow. You can't buy it in a bottle. Okay, so the first part of this, we're going to dig into my bags. And then the second part, we're going to unpack my emotional baggage from dropping off. I used to call him teen son on my Instagram. If you follow me, he's now called college son because he's graduated. He's graduated from a freshman in college to a sophomore in college, and he turned 20 on August 2nd.

Sarah Milken  00:03:11  So he's no longer a teenager. He is a 20 year old. So welcome here. I hope this is fun. I'm going to be pushing the microphone in and out. I'm sure I'm going to fuck up the sound in some capacity and I'm sweating. So bear with me because I've never done this before. I was thinking about putting it on Instagram Live, but it's so unscripted and so all over the place that I didn't even know if I could handle that. And I've only done two Instagram lives. I don't even fucking remember how to like, get people on and respond to comments. So we're going to keep it simple for now. And if I decide I want to do it, Michelle's going to help me do that. Okay. So here we go. I'm going to dig into bag number one Actually, first, I'm going to take my fucking shoes off. Look at these shoes, you guys. These are Manolo Blahnik shoes. Literally 12 years old. You can't give shit away that you love.

Sarah Milken  00:04:07  Okay? Instagram husband who I affectionately call Instagram Husband because he's my husband who hates Instagram, which is so fucking funny, calls me a hoarder. Okay, I wouldn't say I'm a hoarder. I would say I'm a collector of fine things and some shitty things, and I'm okay with that. It's like the high low mix. But this is the pair is one of my special special pairs because of the camo and rhinestone vibes. I felt like it went well with the track pants and the silk blouse. We'll talk about the nipple covers later. So here we go. We're getting comfortable. Oh, as I'm stuck okay, so shoes down. I'm going to try to do the microphone in the back. Michelle is not working. Okay, cool. Okay. Element number one. This is what I call the bitch visor. The midlife bitch visor. I know it's unattractive. I know it's not sexy, but guess what? It saves my skin. And so many of you guys have messaged me telling me that you bought the bitch visor because I have shot my links and all that stuff.

Sarah Milken  00:05:17  Oh, wait, my phone's buzzing. Oh, that's a weird number. Not answering that one. I thought maybe it was teen daughter fucking harassing me from school that she needs a sign out note. I can't, it's too many things. college son never texted me unless he wants money or he wants something. Okay, so back to the bitch visor. Saving my skin from Alaska. I have terrible melasma. You might be like, no, you don't. Yes, I do. If I took my fucking makeup off, you would see it. It's there. It's deep, it's hormonal. It's a whole thing. So the bitch visor goes on. Whether I'm in the car, walking outside, all the things I have it in brown and I'm going to bust out. Here we go. I can also show you the gray. I feel like this is like QVC. Like midlife QVC. Does that work? And notice that it has a wide brim and I wear it while I'm driving, too.

Sarah Milken  00:06:11  Let me tell you why I don't wear one of my beautiful 37 hats that are in my closet. It gives me hat head, especially in the summer because I'm a little sweaty, sweaty, misty. So this kind of goes up high, clips into your hair, and you don't have the top hat head. I have volume, lack of volume issues in midlife. My hair is thinning. I use a shit ton of hairspray. I don't care if it's toxic, I absolutely need it. so the visor works for me. Hope you hop on to the visor trend because it's all the rage. Okay, so the visors go. This is my next in my bag item. Okay. Let me just tell you, this baby came to Miami with me. This baby came to New York with me. It's just that good. If you're sitting at lunch, you're having a fits a thon, I own it. You don't even try to hide it. Like everyone knows that women are age, are having overheating issues.

Sarah Milken  00:07:14  It's not a big deal, and everyone secretly wants one. So I'm just going to leave it right here. It's actually kind of nice. It's like crotch ventilation. Ooh, these pants are polyester because they're track pants. So that's obviously an issue for my, sweating. This is a dead fan. It's no bueno. It does not have battery. It's like my libido. It's. But my libido is going to fix itself. Guess why? Because I started Testosterone. Yep. I've been on testosterone for five weeks and I've only had sex once. No, I'm just kidding. Maybe a few more times than that. But, you know, they say, like, it increases your libido. My husband's like, really? Where is that? And I'm like, I'm working on it. It's only two milligrams a day and I'm rubbing it in my inner thigh. I know some people rub it on, like their private parts and all this stuff. I can't face that yet. I got to go one little step at a time.

Sarah Milken  00:08:08  Okay. Next. Shit in my bag. Okay. This water. This water is not sponsored. This water is my favorite water. This water is very expensive. And this water is delicious. Okay. Delicious. The bottle's delicious. It's heavy. It's a bazillion dollars. And my husband tries to make me drink tap water when we go to restaurants. I do not drink tap water. I've retired from tap water. So I buy boxes of these bottles and I keep them in my closet, and I allow myself to have 1 to 2 of these a day. It's the cleanest water, and it just literally drips down your throat after you take the plastic wrap off of it. Hold on. Watch. It's like silk. And I'm not even like sponsored or paid to say that I'm actually angling for the five gallon machine dispenser in my kitchen, but I actually don't want to share with my kids, friends or my kids. But an Instagram husband was like, no way you're buying that. But maybe that's like a 50th birthday present where I get like, the most expensive water in the world in my house.

Sarah Milken  00:09:30  Okay, these are my notes because I have to. Okay, you guys saw my camouflage old Manolo Blahnik. Like, honestly, this is like, you wear this from the car to the table in the restaurant. This is like. And this is not even a high heel. This is like a baby heel. No bueno. I'm 49 years old. It hurts. It's uncomfortable. It's annoying. Let's be honest. This is really what I fucking love. It's a Birkenstock. It has a shearling in it. Because even though I'm fucking sweating, my toes are cold. Like, what a weird thing. You're profusely sweating, but your toes are cold. That's why these Birkenstocks are amazing. Of course I have them in every color. And I also have the ones that are non shearling for those days where my toes are sweating. Okay, so enough about the shoe situation. I'm trying not to fuck up the microphone. Here's the other shoe okay. Sugar cravings. They're fucking real. Let's just be honest.

Sarah Milken  00:10:37  So Since I've not eaten lunch today, we are going to take a bite into these. Do I know if they're the healthiest on the market? No, but there are 70% many cacao dark chocolate bars from Trader Joe's. Okay, there are many. And they say, let's see how many 100 calories. So this is what works for me, guys. I can't do the no sugar thing. So the chocolate on the water is so key. Okay, so these are more tricks okay. Let's start with the microphone. Oh here's my pen. Hairspray. There's no rhyme or reason to any of this. It's just unpack my shit. So this is my favorite hairspray. I buy ten cans at a time. I have no idea where I get it. It's wherever it's available. It has the best smell. And anyone who blow dries my hair has one of these at their salon and I just leave it there. You can use multiple layers day after day and it just goes, look at this. And it doesn't leave it sticky.

Sarah Milken  00:11:48  It doesn't leave it hard. It's just like perfection. There's also many bottles. Again, none of this is sponsored. None of these people even know who I am. But you do. Okay. Microphone. Come back. Okay. Sravani protein powder. There's so many protein powders on the market. This. My husband says I'm a protein collector. Like powder collector. This is my favorite one. It's plant based. It has the fewest chemicals. It's called banana cinnamon. I know that sounds gross, but it's actually not. And I mix it into my oatmeal every single day. Perfection. Okay. We talked about the nipple covers. Yes. Even if I'm sweating, I have, like, hard nipples. I don't know why. These are the silicone nipple covers. Okay, this is like QVC. This is Sarah, the flexible, neurotic QVC. So you open the plastic thing, and there's usually two, which means there's two stuck together here or oh, wait, it is two stuck together look like this.

Sarah Milken  00:12:56  Then you put them actually on your nipples under your bra. Perfect. And then sometimes I sleep in them because I forget that they're on. It's highly attractive. Instagram. Husband loves it. Okay. Next. Okay. You guys always ask me for get ready with me. Get ready with me. Is, like, too complicated because I can't figure out the fucking tripod. I can't figure out, like, how to get the thing to stick. So I just brought some of my shit with me. Okay, you know how it's, like, all about double cleansing right now? I do the evil foam. It's a little Oily and you put it on, and then you wipe it off with, like, a wet, hot washcloth. Look at this. Really oily, really good, really sumptuous, if that's even a word. Okay. Then you rinse that off. Then there's this stuff called the Human Race Watch. It has a little bit of an exfoliant in it, and you put water on it, and then it foams up on your face, squeaky clean.

Sarah Milken  00:14:02  Sorry, Andy. No one will mind. Okay, wait. We're going to roll through this. just put the bag here. Hold on. Okay. Non-toxic deodorant? Yep. Caudalie. Like this? Yes. Of course, you still sweat. It's not perfect, but it does the job. And I don't smell and none of the things. Okay. Then this is the headband that all the TikTokers and my teen daughter wears it works. It's not sexy. My husband's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It works. Phone charger. Always in my bag. It's like a brick. Except I'm down to one. And do you see a high name? Tagged it? All of my son's friends and my son. I swear they must be taking them home. There are no phone chargers left in my house except for this one. And it has both of the cords because Instagram husband has an android who has a fucking android. It's so annoying. Get an apple, mister. Okay.

Sarah Milken  00:15:07  Perfume. Okay, I know it's toxic. We shouldn't be putting perfume on our bodies. All the things. I'm sorry. This is the best perfume. I don't, it's just baccarat rouge. 540 and yes, teen daughter steals it because it's expensive and she doesn't want to put it on her debit card. So that's why I have the miniature bottle. Because she took the big bottle. Okay. Look at this, guys. This is the testosterone compounded testosterone from the compounding pharmacy. This is what is going to turn my sex life on fire. It hasn't happened yet. I'm waiting. Instagram. Husband is waiting. You open it up. Do a little squirty poo like that. Then you have your inner thigh. You rub it in with your hand 20 times. You make sure you're not working out or taking a shower after. Then you're a porn star. Just kidding. You're actually not a porn star because I'm waiting for it. I'm having my testosterone tested in a couple of weeks to see where I'm at.

Sarah Milken  00:16:14  So that's testosterone. Okay, we're going to move into another part of the human body if I can find it. Oh. Vaginal estrogen. Okay, let's talk about vaginal estrogen for a second. The vagina goes dry in midlife. Your estrogen falling, your skin feels dry, your vagina gets dry. And if you haven't gotten it yet, it's coming. I promise all my friends who are like, no, no, no, I'm fine. They're like, oh fuck, I'm not fine. I was like, see, I told you, do it preventatively it always works. Okay, there's a couple things you can do. I use this little suppository pill situation, okay? It's called MVC. Some insurance won't cover it. Mine. I got lucky. We'll cover this, but we'll cover like stupid shit. Okay. I have to put one in tonight, so I'm just going to show you. See this pill? You just pop it in. No mess. Magic. You do it twice a week, okay? Life saving, life changing.

Sarah Milken  00:17:21  Do it. Okay, then you can also get dryness around like the labia, the lips, the whole, the whole thing. I know I'm totally grossing you out, but if you're in mid-life, woman, you fucking understand what I'm talking about. So I got the estradiol vaginal cream 0.01. So I do like a little quickie around the rim when I do the other thing. And it's like I'm golden. I've juices flowing, I'm golden. I'm actually getting divorced when this airs, by the way, because my husband is going to have a mental breakdown. Okay. I hope you're not bored yet because this is, like really revealing. Okay, I don't do that much on my face. So you saw that I double cleanse. Then I have the Shaunie Darden products. Of course, they're not sponsored and I'm just going to sell the shit out of it and make nothing from it like I always do. So one night I do the retinol serum, okay? I wash my face, I put the retinol serum on the next night.

Sarah Milken  00:18:26  I alternate and I use the lactic acid serum so 1111. And then this is called the hydration peptide cream. I put this on over it and I go to bed. End of story. End of story. Done. Okay. It's not that hard. It's not that many steps. Okay. We're almost done with this bag you guys. Tower mascara I used YSL until about six months ago. I ran out, Sephora was fucking out of it and I gave up. I got tower 28 not sponsored. So good people always ask me if I have eyelash extensions. I'm like, no, I don't. I can't get started with that shit. I can't have another project on my hands. So we just stick with a lot of mascara, okay? And when I'm not in the mood for dark chocolate, which is sometimes I have these mini Twix that I hide in my closet. My kids have found the spot, but I keep refilling them. They're so good. And I'm still wearing this headband, which is so scary.

Sarah Milken  00:19:29  I think I'm going to have to take the headband off you guys. Okay, that bag is done. We're going to move to the next bag. Here we go. This is a good one. Oh, okay. This is special. You guys, are you ready? This is part of my hoarding. Do you see how I have so many items at all times? My husband is OCD, and he's the person who has the nightstand that, like, looks like a scary person lives there because there's nothing on it. It's literally like the lamp and the Alexa. That is it. That is all mine is like he calls it the Dewey Decimal System because it's like a fucking library. There's books everywhere. Pills, old Hallstein, water bottles everywhere. If there's this much left, I save it, even though I've already opened a new one. He's completely repulsed by it. Okay, you guys know I always talk about the steamer. What? Instagram. Husband and I go traveling. We bring a steamer.

Sarah Milken  00:20:31  He sometimes brings the monster one. But this is the one that you guys keep asking me about on Instagram. It's called I, Dear Life. Don't even know what that means. Little pink steamer. Cute. I put it in the plastic bag just in case some of the water from the inside leaks. Okay. That little puppy's going away. Okay. Inner thighs, let's talk about this I posted this, I think I sold like 40,000 million bottles of this. It's called carp, carp, groin women's powder. I should have put it on this morning, but I had the testosterone in that area, so I couldn't do that. I have a lot of potions here, guys. It's like witchcraft. This prevents you from your legs touching each other or just sweating. I can't handle having my legs touch each other with moisture. Okay, it's getting better. This magnesium spray. Okay, I take the supplement, the pills, all the things. But if you want to sleep at night, this is it, guys.

Sarah Milken  00:21:35  Watch you rub this in. Helps with sleep so much. I even got Teen Daughter to use it and she's on her second bottle. Okay, as I'm moving the microphone. Sorry, guys. This is it. Are you ready? In the flesh with the fan? I gotta pivot myself. I'm not allowed to stand up because I cut myself off in the frame. So let me get organized here. You guys have all seen this on Instagram. Let me collect my shit. Wait till I get home and I have to unpack all that. I'll just unpack it onto my nightstand. Instagram. Husband will love that. Okay, you guys, I know everyone's posting about the weighted vest right now. Okay, all influencers, accounts, doctors. I just want you to know I was one of the first. If you go back on my Instagram stories three years ago, is this upside down? Where's the label? Yep. Upside down. Of course it is. Well I wouldn't I wouldn't it just be normal and easy.

Sarah Milken  00:22:52  Okay. There you go. Yes I have pink. Yes I have black. This is £10. You can get them in £8 as well. And I will tell you I just got all of green. It's my fall color. It's not fall yet, but when this plays, maybe it will be fall. I have no fucking idea. But look, you guys, it fits right over the boobs. It doesn't have a weird thing around your waist. You don't get a muffin top situation. It doesn't have weights that pile in. You don't feel like you're a Secret Service agent. It's like kind of sporty and sexy and cute. Like, you got to just own it. I can wear it outside. I can wear it on the treadmill, I love it. Oh, my boobs are hanging out too, so that's cool. But at least I have the nipple covers on. okay, I think that's the end of my QVC show of unpack my shit with me. You guys all asked me on DMs where all my stuff comes from and why I don't put links.

Sarah Milken  00:23:52  This is why I'm doing it here right now for midlife QVC for the flexible, neurotic, enjoy my expensive water that I'm not allowed to buy, but I buy anyway.