Empty Nest Reframe…Yes, you can!

Sarah Milken 00:00:00  And now you're sort of like on your own. Do I get up and like, do the dumb and necessary weights? Do I take a walk outside? Do I meet a friend for lunch? Do I start writing a proposal for a book? Like what is it? Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, doctor Sarah Millican. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Welcome back to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm Doctor Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic. Today I'm getting comfortable in my track pants, my sparkly shoes, all my sparkles.

Sarah Milken 00:01:15  And you probably can't see this, but my bracelet says fuck. I think Teen Daughter bought this for me a few months ago. I don't know, I'm sweating. This battery keeps dying on my fan. It's not working for me. But right now I am going to unpack my emotional baggage. Let me tell you what's been going on lately. Teen son who I affectionately called teen Son on my Instagram. If you follow my Instagram, just turned 20 on August 2nd, he's out of the teen years. We made it to two zero. I even got him the ice cream birthday cake from Baskin-Robbins. Actually, this year it was from Carvel because the traffic was so bad. at Baskin-Robbins, I was like, not fucking doing that. So got the Carvel cake and said, and it actually wasn't as good as the Baskin-Robbins, but we'll leave that for another time. but I want to get into half Empty nest. As some of you might know, I have two kids. My son is 20, I call him Teen Son, but now he has a new name.

Sarah Milken 00:02:20  It's college son. He's just started his second year of college, so we've retired. The teen son name teen daughter remains teen daughter. She's a senior in high school. And you know what comes with that? Having a teenage daughter. It's a good time, let me fucking tell you. I've already gotten 47,000 texts of all the things that I'm supposed to be doing for her and all the things that she should be doing anyway. so back to Teen Son and Half Empty Nest. I call it half empty nest because I still have one kid at home. last year I was quasi I disastrous with teen son, college son being the first kid who left the house. You guys saw me crying on Instagram. You saw me having like some many BS. I'm not gonna lie, it was it was pretty, pretty consequential. And I know there are some people out there who are like, no, oh my God, it's amazing. And now I get to travel with my husband. I'm not that person.

Sarah Milken 00:03:19  I adore my husband, but I also adore my fucking kids when they're being nice. My daughter right now, because she's 17, is more on my shit list because she lives with me and I have to kind of manage that on a daily basis. Teen son, college son, whatever you want to call him. He's on a shit list for different reasons because he doesn't text me back. Texting with him is like texting a boyfriend who doesn't text you back. It's pretty hard, I'm not going to lie. So last year I talked about my year of last with teen son in high school. It was like his last baseball game, his last the last time I would bring a pair of forgotten baseball pants to school. It was. Everything was the last. The last prom, the like, everything felt so final. The good part about it, though, is that I was really present in it. Maybe because I was documenting it on Instagram, maybe because I was talking about it with you guys on my podcast.

Sarah Milken 00:04:18  There's a bunch of episodes you can go back to on that, and I really wanted to be in the moment and capture all of these lasts in that trajectory. and the way part of the way I did that was with my phone. I know it sounds crazy, but I, I screenshot a lot of things. I took photos of a lot of things so that when the year was done, I could look back on it and be like, oh my God, that was like the last birthday cake. That was the last prom. That was the last sports thing, you know, whatever it was. And even though it feels bittersweet and sad, it's like you have this whole like photo library of that entire year. So although it does seem sad, it just felt so comforting knowing that I kind of had this like mini library that was all my own. I didn't even have to share it with my husband or anyone else. It was like my personal library of like, everything that happened that year.

Sarah Milken 00:05:15  my husband does say that I'm the queen of, storage problems on my phone. I maxed out the storage every five minutes and he's like, what's wrong with you? You don't need to screenshot everything. Why don't you go back and, like, delete multiple photos? I'm like, why the fuck would I spend time deleting photos? Like, no, thank you. So there's no deleting happening. We just get more storage. That's how it works. Anyway, going back to college, son. So he went to college on the East Coast. It was like the whole thing. We packed up all the shit, we vacuum sealed everything. We sent it all there, then took tons of shit with us. And I have to say, like, I actually I thought I was going to be a basket case and I was remotely well put together considering it was my first kid, I think because I had been sort of really living it and really sharing it and really documenting it the whole year. It didn't quite feel as bad when I got to that moment.

Sarah Milken 00:06:13  And the classic teen son move was we were supposed to say goodbye to him the next morning, like at the end of our little trip to college, move in and we get a text that says, I need to go to a party. Is there any way and I'm going to be up late, is there any way you could come right now and say goodbye? We were in the middle of dinner. We had a call of fucking Uber, and he's like, and I don't want you to come into my dorm room because I don't want to cry and I need to make this quick. And my husband and I were like, wait, what? It was like he literally pulled the rug out from under us. But in hindsight, it was kind of fucking smart on his part because he cut the drama tremendously. It was like crying on the curb in Philadelphia for five seconds in front of a dorm building. Big hugs embrace. Parents get back in the Uber college son walks away with his roommate and it's over.

Sarah Milken 00:07:11  And then in like teen son Instagram. Husband Instagram husband as I affectionately call him because he hates Instagram. We went back to the hotel. I shed a few tears. Next morning I was good. Okay, cut to right now. He was home for half the summer. He did summer school, so I kind of got to have him back in the house again. And I have to be honest, as messy as he is, there's something really beautiful about the kind of like scavenger hunt through my house to find him. There's like, I don't know, the the wet swim trunks on the kitchen floor, because why not go in the Jacuzzi and then dump your swim trunks on the floor? Then there's, like, remnants of steak that he ate a breakfast. There's a piece of steak that's hanging out of the microwave. There's a protein shake that's like halfway in the blender and halfway in the sink and is annoying as all of those little things were. They were actually beautiful in their own way, too, because I was like, oh my God, he's back in my house.

Sarah Milken 00:08:16  We have our like energy back. We have our like family rhythm. and of course, his friends came every single night and it was a whole thing. Literally. Doorbell, doorbell. They all are on Snapchat. Like where you can see each other on maps as soon as Jake's plane, like, hits the ground. Within 20 minutes, there are ten boys showing up in my house, and we finally come to terms with the fact that I don't open fucking the front door anymore. He and his friends have to open the front door for each other. So one kid texts, another kid texts another kid. Because my husband and I were literally opening the door every five seconds. Then once they get in the house, it's everybody has an individual Postmates order. So then the doorbell is fucking ringing for ten different people, and I'm like, leave it at the door, leave it at the door. I retired from that job, too. So as much as I miss him and his friends, I'm a little bit happy that I'm over doorbell duty.

Sarah Milken 00:09:18  I'm over Postmates, doorbell duty and all the things. I will say though, it hit a little bit hard when he left. It was like, the bags are packed, I'm ready to go. And oh my God. And this time it was even harder in a weird way because I wasn't going. He had already moved into his place during summer school, and I had sent everything from Amazon, and he had done a lot of the moving himself, like dragging all the shit out of the dorm room and all that stuff. So it was kind of weird sending him off like on a plane and not being a part of the moving. It was kind of weird. And I had like, serious FOMO. My friends were going back to college with their kids and like going to Ikea and target and CVS, and I was like, am I doing something wrong? Like, should I be in Philadelphia? And he's like, mom, if you fucking come, I'm not even going to see you. I have like all this stuff to do for my fraternity and like, I have to get my shit together.

Sarah Milken 00:10:19  Like, basically he's not babysitting me. Of course, all my friends thought that I was going to get on the plane anyway, but I really, really didn't want to be hanging out in Philadelphia, like wet and sweaty with bad hair for no reason and by myself. So I didn't go. But it was hard. So you know what I did? I sent 7 million more Amazon things, so I just got a text from him on the WhatsApp group family chat, and it's literally an entire cart, like one of those rolling hotel carts. Of all the Amazon packages. And his quote on the bottom was, I didn't buy one of these. And I was like, Jake, what do you mean you don't want a fucking plant like a live plant for the air quality in your apartment? You don't want, steak knives. You don't want an air filter for your bedroom, you don't want a bathroom trashcan. I think it's different for boys. I think boys don't think it through, like all the little details.

Sarah Milken 00:11:15  Like, if you buy a bathroom trash can, that you would get the liners that go with that trash can, like, you don't just throw your shit into a trash can without a liner. and I'm not there, so I can't, like, hyper control it. and I have no idea how many Amazon back packages are in his place. Not my problem right now. I sent everything there, but we're back to not texting back for a couple of days. But I do see the red receipts, so I know he's like. It's sort of like a proof of life situation. Which is good. he is the fraternity like music jazz person. So I get photos from friends of him deejaying, so that's kind of fun. he won't let me post any of them because he's annoying. but I will say that it was easier this year, but still hard. And I got so many messages from you guys like, oh my God, I'm half empty nest. I'm dying. Oh my God, I've been crying for two days, you guys, the ugly cry is fucking necessary.

Sarah Milken 00:12:19  I cried this year too. It's an absolute must. You have all these built up emotions you need to get them out of your body. You're thinking about like you're not just thinking like, oh, great. I have, like, one less person to plan for for dinner. Like you're thinking about like, oh my God, our family feels different now. The energy is different. Like, every person in a family brings a different energy to the game. So I've come up with these nine golden nuggets that have helped me kind of like reframe the midlife mindset or like midlife mom mindset of like, what the fuck now? I have been with my kids for X number of years, and it's so much a part of my identity. Like, who the fuck am I now? How relevant am I? My whole identity is tied into my children. And look, I know everybody has a different version of this. There's women who have careers, there's women who have been stay at home moms, and everyone's version is different.

Sarah Milken 00:13:22  But everyone feels it to a certain extent and maybe in a different way. And I think for me, which I could probably do 18 episodes on, for me getting through it, a lot of it has been having this podcast and this platform for midlife women and for myself, because as much as you guys want me, I want you to because there's a normalization factor. It's like, oh my God, me too. I get hundreds of DMs every single week and I respond to all of them. And if I haven't responded to you, message me again. It means I forgot midlife brain out the window. but I really pride myself in the midlife community that we're creating here, and I think that part of what has saved me is having this platform, having you guys having something creative to think about, something creative to do, and something to get out of bed for in the morning. And like I've said, 40,000 fucking times, some people play mahjong, some people play pickleball, some people play canasta, some people become like marathon runners, some people write books.

Sarah Milken 00:14:31  It doesn't matter what the fuck it is or combination of a lot of those things. It's just having something. Because going from like what feels like 60, like 0 to 60 back down to zero like this with one plane, like going back and forth, or a car ride, a 12 hour car ride back and forth or wherever you're going. It's over. Your whole your your whole identity, this whole thing that you've bought into for so long, it's like a piggy bank. It's like I keep putting this microphone, it's like a piggy bank, and you've invested so much of your heart and soul into this being, this entity. And that entity leaves the nest and you're like, oh my God, where am I going to put my coins and my energy into now? And the hard answer is yourself. But when women come to that point and they drop that kid off, it's really hard to think of something to do when you're fucking upset and you feel useless and irrelevant and pointless. And some people might not feel like that, but I know that I did to a certain extent.

Sarah Milken 00:15:39  But part of what saved me was having this podcast and platform. and so I came up with these nine nuggets that have kind of helped me reframe what the fuck now. So Golden Nugget number one, celebrate your success. You have fucking baked and cooked a human being to go off into the world. I mean, there's no harder job in the world if you ask your career woman what the hardest job in the world is, she will agree with you. Being a mom. Being a mom is fucking hard. It's fucking boring and it's like a fucking hamster wheel. But at the same time it's the most rewarding, delicious, yummiest, best job in the entire world. So if you can stop and think about it and be like, I launched this baked and cooked, amazing, yummy human being, independent human being into the world. Pat yourself on the back. Being a parent is not an easy job. Golden nugget number two. Feel your feelings. That's the ugly cry. You guys, I know it's embarrassing to be the woman on the airplane having like, a mentee be I get it.

Sarah Milken 00:16:52  I'm that person too. I know it's embarrassing to be the person who's, like, crying on the treadmill filming themselves on Instagram. You may not be doing that. I am, and the only reason I'm doing it is because I want to share it with you and say like, hey you guys, it's not that big of a deal. An ugly cry is an ugly cry. Like, we got this, who gives a shit if your mascara's running down your face like it is what it is? Ugly cry, go with it. Like the thing with the feeling situation is feel your feelings. They're real and you deserve them. It's like stay. You can stay in, like the sort of sadness hotel. You just can't stay that long. So poke your head in, maybe take a nap there, spend a few days there, and then we need to move out of the Sadness Hotel into what are my action steps? What am I going to fucking do next? Because it really is an identity shocker to go from kind of manager mom to consultant mom.

Sarah Milken 00:17:50  It's it's honestly one of the hardest things that I've ever done. and husbands, spouses sometimes don't feel it the same way. And I'll tell you, like, my husband is definitely sad. He misses his, you know, afternoon, late afternoon, early evening Jacuzzi time with my son. All of it. I totally get it. But it's a different feeling as a mom. It's harder. It stings more. It's just facts. You're going to see a lot more moms crying on a curbside than dads, and dads need to learn to just let the moms cry and also be there at the same time. It's sort of like that gentle balance between like being compassionate and a caring spouse or husband, and also kind of just letting the wife or spouse be a little bit because it's like, as you know, you want to be helped, but you don't. And like, that's just being a woman. Facts. Golden nugget number three I kind of already touched on this. It's reframing your role. I went from major parenting manager, mom manager like who's doing what on this day and blah blah blah to literally like a consultant and like, I don't even, like get an hour late.

Sarah Milken 00:19:06  It's like a six minute consultant on the side. That's my job right now. Can you pay for this? Can you schedule this? Can you send me this letter for whatever? And oh, I forgot my black belt for the internship interviews. And can you mail that? That's my job right now. Like, how sad is that? I've gone from like, PhD mode to, like, basically lowest level on the totem pole. Golden nugget number four. Embrace your freedom, you guys. Honestly This is the time in our lives where we're still young enough, where we can make so many changes and we have the freedom of time. And if you have been focusing a lot of your time on your kids, you have more time. What's scary about more time for us midlife women is that we don't know what to do with that time. It's like we used to have sort of this, like structure of our kids put on us like an imposed structure. Now that structure is gone. So it's like, and if you don't have a job, you wake up in the morning and you're like, oh, like, I don't have to make sure that somebody has a water bottle.

Sarah Milken 00:20:15  And I don't have to wonder where the baseball uniform is. And that structure has just completely vanished. And now you're sort of like on your own. You're like, okay, do I get up and like, do the dumb and necessary weights? Do I take a walk outside? Do I meet a friend for lunch? Do I start writing a proposal for a book? Like what is it like? What are your things that have been like in the back of your mind? Of what's next for you? Golden nugget number five, the invisible string. Okay, this is how I describe the invisible string. It's either life. 360 just kidding. But you really have to think about how you, as a mom, have this invisible string that connects you to your kid forever, no matter where that kid is. And so every time that Jake would leave, like if it was like a fall break or a Thanksgiving, I would really remind myself, you know how, like, there's that kid's book, The Invisible String.

Sarah Milken 00:21:15  And I would remind myself that I had this string that was, like, attached from my heart to his heart. And wherever he went, we were still together. It's a really hard thing to embrace, going from having someone in person in your home to suddenly not there anymore. And I'm not going to lie, there were so many times where I walked into his room and I was like, oh my God, he's not here. Or I'm like, J go, he's not here. And it's a weird feeling. So I just kind of go back to this idea of the invisible string between a mom and a kid. Golden nugget number six. Trust the process. Oh my God, that is so hard for me. I'm a fucking control freak. I'm a neurotic. I'm not into manifestation. Woo woo. Even though I've gotten much better since I started this podcast, because I interviewed so many women and experts in the midlife woowoo space. that I'm really trying to embrace that, but I am trying to quote, trust the process in kind of feeling into it.

Sarah Milken 00:22:20  Like he's a really independent kid. He's off at school, he's really happy, and here I am, like doing my thing, doing my platform, building a midlife community and really trying to trust that our new relationship as like mom and kid away at school will just be the same but different. And and I have to say that it has been it really has been. It's just an you just have to get accustom to how it looks different. It's like a different manifestation of it. And I'm really just trying to lean in and be like, I got this, I got this golden nugget. Number seven maintaining and nurturing your relationship with your spouse or significant other. You guys, I've known my husband since ninth grade. We've been together for 27 years. Okay, you have to figure out a way to maintain the relationship. Kindle the fucking fire. I don't even know. And as your libido and your estrogen tank. And you now have more time with your spouse, you're like, holy fuck, but guess what? It's super important.

Sarah Milken 00:23:36  And for us, my husband has like 10,000 fucking hobbies. He like has a full time job. He plays piano like a crazy person. He plays golf like a crazy person. He can, you know, what do you call it? Program TV equipment. So, like, you walk into my house and you're like, nighttime scene. And unlike the nighttime lights come on. Like, that's how his brain works. And I'm like, I'll just sit here and scroll. Instagram. Honestly. So we don't have a lot of hobbies that we do together. That's something that we're definitely going to need to work on soon. But it's only been a year since the first kid left the nest, but when the second kid leaves next year, it's going to be fucking full on, or I'm going to have to be bathing in testosterone or something because something's going to have to shift, and there's no way he's going to want me playing golf with him. And there's no way anyone would want to watch me play golf.

Sarah Milken 00:24:27  The outfits might be cute, but there's no way I could fucking play golf. but we do do a date launch and a date night every week, no matter what. Like, it's usually on Fridays, the date launch. And if we can't make it, if one of us can't make it, we typically reschedule it for another day. because having that time with your spouse without, like, phones ringing and doorbells and Postmates and Fedex, it's really important. And if you don't have the solid relationship like the foundation of it down, it's going to be fucking a long and boring ride because it's a lot of alone time and a lot of together time, and you guys have to be able to kind of like, figure it out. And on top of that, midlife women and their hormones. And we won't even talk about menopause. That's like a whole other fucking episode or a series of episodes. But as a woman speaking for women having the hormone part and the mental health part, like all that going on at the same time as kids leaving and spending more time with someone.

Sarah Milken 00:25:34  I mean, there's nothing worse than listening to my husband chew. It's like, so fucking irritating. Like he chews. And I want to, like, blow the roof of the house off. all I can say is we have to invest the time into our relationships. Because this is the time where we start, like, itching for novelty. We need novelty. Everyone does. The research shows we crave novelty every 5 to 7 years. That's why people are having affairs. That's why people are having, you know, facelifts. Don't get me wrong. I'm going to sign my ass up to, buying Porsches and crazy cars and all these things is because we're craving novelty. So get really intimate with your spouse or your partner because you're going to have a shit ton of time together. Golden nugget number eight. This is going to be my final one is get dressed for success. I don't mean success like Forbes for 100 or you're going to get a fucking paycheck. None of that. Even though that would be great.

Sarah Milken 00:26:37  It means get your ass up, put some makeup on. If you wear makeup. If you don't, you don't have to. I'm a makeup whore. I wear makeup to the gym. I wore makeup to carpool. I wore makeup to carpool. I do all the things. But I will tell you, even in the pandemic, I put makeup on, I got dressed. Was I wearing fancy clothes? No. But, like, maybe like, one notch up from, like, dumpy, frumpy sweatpants where I have, like seven loads of poop in the back of my sweatpants. My husband would be like, what are those, like cruise ship pants? Then I realized I needed little sexier sweatpants, so I invested in those. My point is, you don't have to be dressed up. You don't have to be fancy. It's just pulling yourself together. Whatever version of that is for you. Like, for me, if I wake up and I have a greasy hair bun and no makeup on and sloppy clothes.

Sarah Milken 00:27:29  I'm not dressed for my success and success, like I said, is not how much money you make or any of those things. It's just for you. Like when you walk past a mirror, you're like, oh, I put myself together and I just feel in my bones that this is what we're craving. We're craving to be seen and to be relevant, not just to the world, but to ourselves. And when we put ourselves together, well, it just feels good. Thanks so much for watching. If you loved it, which I hope you did like, subscribe. Share it with other midlife women who like midlife shit. This whole platform is built on community and sharing things. I'm so happy you're here! Please follow. Follow my Instagram at The Flexible Neurotic and talk soon.