Braver & Newer You: 10 nuggets

Cory Allen (00:00:00) - Before we become aware we're going through life and we're basically having our lives formed around us. We're living in a state of reaction over a long period of time. What happens is that our life kind of takes on the shape of its own, and it feels like it's out of our control.

*Sarah Milken * (00:00:21) - Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, doctor Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wipe the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hi good peeps, this is the next episode of the Flexible Neurotic Podcast.

*Sarah Milken * (00:01:10) - I'm Doctor Sarah Millican, the flexible neurotic. Today I have a guest who's an author, podcast host, and influencer with over 400,000 on social media. His posts are so good that you want to screenshot every single one of them. His daily thoughts on mindfulness and mental clarity reach over a million people each week on Instagram. His podcast is all about personal growth and he chats with thought leaders in self-development. His new book is Brave New You A Roadmap to Believing that more is Possible. It's exactly that a detailed roadmap that will take you through pages and pages of your own notes. We were just talking about that before the recording, the podcast. He's also been a leader in the meditation space for 25 years. I think a lot of us could use a little bit of that. And his name is Corey Allen. Hello.

Cory Allen (00:02:07) - Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

*Sarah Milken * (00:02:09) - I'm so happy to have you here. I just told you, you're in Austin. I'm in L.A., my AC wasn't working and I'm already in a full sweat.

*Sarah Milken * (00:02:16) - And you're probably not. And you're. But you're not having a midlife sweat. You're having an Austin sweat. I'm having a little bit of a midlife sweat.

Cory Allen (00:02:25) - I will tell you that. I mean, sweat, sweat y you know what I mean? But, like, I will tell you that whenever I read the audiobook for my first book, it was during, I think, August or something like that. And so it was 110 outside. And so of course, you can't have the air conditioner on. And I have a studio in my house, but still there's an air conditioner, so no air conditioner. So I was reading it all day and I have a bunch of gear turned on, so it was adding heat to the room. So I was like soaking wet. Reading this book about mindfulness and being in the present moment. I was just finding.

*Sarah Milken * (00:03:00) - Your inner strength, but you probably lost £10. It's like a sauna.

Cory Allen (00:03:03) - Yes.

*Sarah Milken * (00:03:04) - So Andrew Huberman, ideal scenario, but you needed to do the cold plunge right after.

Cory Allen (00:03:10) - It's for real. Yeah. It's just like drinking pickle juice the entire time.

*Sarah Milken * (00:03:15) - I love it. Okay, so the intention of this episode is to dive into these ideas of elevating, reinventing and figuring out what's next for us in midlife. I know you're not a midlife woman, but I know you're married to one. And you're a thought leader in a lot of these things. So for my demographic, for this podcast, for my platform, we're midlife women. And your book was so amazing and detailed I was like this could take this could be like a five hour episode. So what I did was I went in with my kind of midlife woman lens and picked out ten things. And I'd like to go through those ten things. There's probably 39,000 things. but it's really sort of like the ten things for midlife women to become the braver and newer version of themselves. Is that cool?

Cory Allen (00:04:08) - Yeah, I love that and love that. Also, you know, you noted that I wasn't a midlife woman.

Cory Allen (00:04:13) - I mean, I'm curious if anyone listening, you know, the sound of my voice. Up until then, they were like, wait a second.

Sarah Milken (00:04:19) - I know I've actually had 3.

*Sarah Milken * (00:04:20) - Or 4 men on the podcast, so. But I think everyone just assumes that whoever I have on the podcast is going to relate to the topic. but I, I in your book, you talk about how people who elevate their lives. There's one thing that they have in common, and basically that they believe that there's more possible for themselves that this just can't be it all the time. Tell me a little bit about that.

Cory Allen (00:04:49) - Yeah for sure. I mean, it's a great place to start. I mean, ultimately, what happens to all of us is that before we become aware or self-aware, we're going through life and we're basically having our lives formed around us. We're living in a state of reaction, you know, because we are growing up, becoming adults, figuring out who we are, what we like, kind of what the world is like.

Cory Allen (00:05:13) - And in that we're just reacting to a lot of things and everything we experience, we don't learn, and no one teaches us how to be present, how to be aware and intentional about how we're living in our lives. And so, because life is challenging and complicated, we continue to live in this momentum of reaction to what's happening in front of us, not thinking about really what we're doing, but rather just doing it in and reacting to what we happen to experience. And so then over a long period of time, what happens is that our life kind of takes on the shape of its own, and it feels like it's out of our control. And so because these patterns of living and thinking that we get into over a long period of time over, you know, the majority of our life seems so familiar, we mistake that for all that's possible. Right? And so we're like, it's not what it's not all there is. It's just what's happened. And so we think, oh, well, this is quote unquote normal.

Cory Allen (00:06:12) - It's like, no, these are just the things you happen to have experience up until this point. These are the thinking habits and the behavioral patterns that you've instilled in the reason why they seem so finite. And this is what limits a lot of people, is that because they form so gradually, it's like it happens so gradually that we don't notice that they're forming these different ways of seeing the world and in these patterns of living and ultimately these patterns. It comes down to thinking about ourselves, you know? And so it happens to gradually that whenever we find ourselves in our 40s or 50s, then. We're like, well, I lived an entire life. I and I've tested the boundaries of this and that, and this is what there is, you know? And anytime you catch yourself saying, this is what there is and, you know, not something that defies the laws of nature, you're not going to be like, well, I'm going to go dunk on LeBron. You know, it's like, no, it's like, you know this is the general ecosystem of my life.

Cory Allen (00:07:10) - Like you, one should listen to that because it's like you're literally saying out loud the limiting idea. And you're defining your reality by saying that. And whenever you begin to hear yourself drawing those boundaries on your own existence, that's an opening point of wherever your awareness can raise, and you can recognize the issue from the beginning. And that's kind of how we start in the book, is noticing and learning to be more mindfully aware of your own thinking patterns and what is arising in the present moment, what thoughts and feelings are arising so that you can recognize those and then choose intentionally to act differently in that moment and think differently about yourself, therefore creating a different outcome of your future.

*Sarah Milken * (00:07:56) - I love all of that because I also think, like as midlife women, I tend to describe it as the hamster wheel. It's like we're moms, we're wives, all the things. But sometimes it begins to feel like Groundhog Day and the hamster wheel and like, you're never going to come off of it. And it's sometimes it takes like an outside disruption or, you know, somebody gets sick or something happens to actually get us off that hamster wheel.

*Sarah Milken * (00:08:23) - And I think for me and for a lot of listeners, it's not waiting for that thing to happen. It's kind of trying to drum up enough internal fire and energy to get our own selves off of that hamster wheel, and that's really hard, like you said, because we've been doing the same thing over and over and over again for so many decades.

Cory Allen (00:08:44) - Yeah, absolutely. And you're so right. I mean, generally people. Have big growth moments, especially whenever there's traumatic intervention. That's whenever someone's like, well, I quit my job and I, you know, moved to Thailand or whatever, and this and this and this. And, I think the key is, you know, recognizing that you don't first off, that like making big changes. And this is something I point to in the book, like making big changes all at once isn't necessarily a great idea. It's not a bad thing, but it is impulsive because and so if it's going to be impulsive, it is kind of rooted in some reactionary type of thing, because you're not really thinking through it and giving it time to unfold so that you can be mindful of the details.

Cory Allen (00:09:26) - but that is actually should be an encouraging sentiment because, you know, whenever we are flipping the script a little bit, instead of waiting for something to happen to us to get us off that hamster wheel, we can recognize, like, okay, I want to make a change. And that's like A1. That's the first thing that you need to do. And some of you recognize that you want need to make that change. Then the heartening part of it is that you're like, well, I don't have to shave my head and, you know, quit my job and completely turn my life upside down.

*Sarah Milken * (00:09:58) - By a Pausch and get a new.

Sarah Milken (00:10:00) - Wife. But exactly. Have the whole.

*Sarah Milken * (00:10:02) - Midlife crisis thing. Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:10:04) - And because also those changes, because they're impulsive and reactionary, aren't sustainable generally, and they come out of desire and generally delusion. It's because there's a root problem that we're trying to fix. And we think, if I make this massive shift that is rather chaotic, that will fix what this thing is.

Cory Allen (00:10:22) - But it's like, no, that's just going to create another form of distraction that you're going to have to work to until you actually find the real problem, right? Which is ultimately wanting to have some say and control and direction in your life and new and a new way that feels fresh. That's why someone has the midlife crisis and they go buy the Porsche and they're like, well, this will be a way I can re-identify myself. It's like, no, you're re-identify ING yourself using things outside. You need to re-identify yourself on the inside with the way that you think about yourself. That's how this works. I don't know why I'm getting so aggressive about this. I'm just feeling like, no.

Sarah Milken (00:10:56) - It's right. You can feel.

*Sarah Milken * (00:10:57) - The midlife energy like.

Sarah Milken (00:10:59) - Oh my God.

*Sarah Milken * (00:11:00) - What's next for me? I totally get it. And I think another thing that you talk about in the book is I think so many of us are focused on the material, and we think that by buying something or taking that trip or whatever, that somehow that's going to fix us.

*Sarah Milken * (00:11:15) - And research does show that novelty, you know, that we seek novelty every 5 to 7 years, and that's cool, and that's okay. But you're talking about a different kind of a different kind of change, a change from the inside, not necessarily the car, the thing, the house.

Cory Allen (00:11:34) - Oh, totally. Because all that stuff is just it's all nonsense, you know? and so the cool part about small change is that, you know, whenever someone's on that hamster wheel, they don't have to burn everything down and start over. They can realize that, like, I want to make a change. Let's get clear on what that is like. Even you could say, I don't know where I'm going, but what am I? What do I not want to be a part of anymore? What are what are the ways that I think about myself? The ways that I present myself to the world, the ways that I let other people or kind of, or the world have some say over me that I don't want anymore.

Cory Allen (00:12:13) - Let's start with letting go. Let's start with creating boundaries and things like that. And you can create these small changes where in moments you could be like, you know what? I'm actually going to speak my mind. I'm going to start speaking my mind. In this moment, I can start creating space for myself in my own life. That could be something. It's something small, it's something incremental, and it's an easy thing to start doing after you kind of get clear on something that you want to change, and then after you get used to that change in your life, you can then go, well, you know what? What's something else I want to let go of, you know? And you're like, you know, I don't like, like friends of mine that just, you know, like gossip and talk shit and are negative. And I always feel drained after I'm around them. Like, I don't want that energy in my life anymore because I want to feel full and energized, not like, anxious.

Cory Allen (00:13:05) - And let me, you know, so I'm going to spend less time with the people that make me feel depleted. And now you've made another small change. And then once you practice realizing and allowing and letting go and kind of separating from a lot of things you don't want to be associated with anymore, then you could say, okay, cool, I've created this space for myself. Now what are things I want to add? You know, what's something new I want to do? What's something? What's a new way? I want to, you know, realize myself in the world and you can start making those changes. And that's a really beautiful way to progress, because that type of slow, steady progress is sustainable. And it also becomes really ingrained in. And who you are and how you present yourself to the world. And another really valuable thing of this iterative process of slowly making these small changes that, you know, like we feel good when we accomplish a goal. And if you set an attainable goal for yourself, something small like that, and you just make one little change in your life, you feel good about yourself.

Cory Allen (00:14:12) - This starts building your self-confidence and your self-trust and your self-belief, and allows you to believe that you know what? I can make another change and another change. Another positive thing about taking that approach, is that as you start to make this shift in your life, the people in the ecosystem of your life do not have a resistance to it, because that's one of the big issues. You know, if, say, we're in midlife and we go, you know what, I'm done with this. I'm going to make this change. I'm getting I'm getting full sleeve tattoos. You know, that's what I've always wanted. That's what I'm doing. And so you're like, you go, you do it all at once in one weekend, and then everyone you see for the next two years is like, you know, oh, my God, what happened to you? But, you know, you go, you get one that you like, then you get another one. People are like, oh yeah, they got a tattoo.

Cory Allen (00:15:01) - Oh, they got another one. Then they got.

*Sarah Milken * (00:15:03) - Like my husband with golf right now is that. Oh yeah, he just picked up golf. Oh yeah. Now he like wants to join a country club. Oh yeah. He's taking a golf lesson. And now it's like becoming this over the past year. It's become like it's own thing.

Cory Allen (00:15:18) - Yeah yeah yeah. And that's great because that way it's not like you know it's gradual and it's organic and people can accept it. And you can also, you know, give yourself the time, the space to redefine, you know, who you are and how you think about yourself in a, in a more organic way.

*Sarah Milken * (00:15:37) - And then there was me. I was like, hi, I'm starting a podcast, and I've never had social media before, and here I am. But for me, it was like having that idea and like bringing it to myself and like being public about it. It it was slow growth, but I had to like just come out and do it because sometimes you just have to like, step off the hamster wheel and be like, okay, I'm here.

*Sarah Milken * (00:16:00) - I have zero followers and zero podcasts and here I am, I'm going to start.

Sarah Milken (00:16:05) - Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:16:06) - No, that's great. That's great. And I mean, to me that is one of those types of small changes. You know, it's like. Because like you said, it was starting with zero and being a cool. Let's work towards building this and becoming what you are today.

*Sarah Milken * (00:16:21) - I think what's hard about being this age and older is being a beginner and starting something from scratch feels very foreign. Like for me I you know in my mind I was like wait like I got a PhD, I did all these things and like now I'm like starting way at the beginning at ground zero. And it's very hard to sort of recalibrate yourself to being a beginner again.

Sarah Milken (00:16:50) - Yeah, I.

Cory Allen (00:16:51) - Think it's I mean I like doing new things pretty consistently because of that. I like to feel I think for me with the one of these useful things is having a relentless curiosity and openness to what's fresh and what's new and something unique.

Cory Allen (00:17:10) - And I want to always be learning about things. And I mean, I find it really fun. Like, I think it's really fun to get into something that you know nothing about and kind of get in that beginner's mind, because then what I do anyway is like, how I handle it is I'll look at some space or something that I'm completely unfamiliar with and I'll say, all right, let me be a beginner and try this and get familiar with this newness. But then I think, how how is it? How am I thinking in this moment, in a relationship to this new thing? Like, look how present, spacious and unassuming my mindset is? Now let me apply that to the things I'm good at and see how much better I can get at those. Because once we get good at something we in, a lot of times we shave down our curiosity and our openness and flexibility to new information around those things, and that limits our mastery, you know? And so I like to kind of like use that, apply that, that template of original mind to things already know and ultimately I'll try to do that just in life in general as much as possible.

*Sarah Milken * (00:18:18) - That's a great point. And my husband's much better at it than I am. I always talk about this in my on my Instagram, like he's like the master hobbyist along with his career. It's like, oh, I'm going to take up piano. And then he becomes like a piano expert. I'm going to take up golf. And I think for me, and you touched upon this in your book, too. I don't feel like I have as many tangible hobbies. And we'll talk about this towards the end. But you do talk about how self expansion and self transformation can be a hobby unto itself. And I fucking love that because I was like, oh my God, I feel so much better about myself.

Sarah Milken (00:18:54) - Nice. I love that.

Cory Allen (00:18:56) - And it's the best hobby, you know, because it changes everything else.

*Sarah Milken * (00:18:59) - But it's so hard because it's not a tangible one. So you go to a dinner party and someone's like, what do you do? And you're like, oh, I'm a fucking self expansionist.

*Sarah Milken * (00:19:07) - I mean, you know what I mean? It's like my husband can talk about the golf and the piano and I'm like, I'm talking about this woo woo and tangible thing.

Cory Allen (00:19:16) - No, it's all in the language in the in it. So in the confidence. So whenever this is like whenever someone asks me like, what do you write about? What are you into? I'm like, I'm interested in human consciousness. And then everyone's like, Holy shit, tell me more about that. And it's like, well, gladly, you know? And so it's all about the packaging, you know, you're just going to market it.

Sarah Milken (00:19:37) - Or whatever you do. You have to own your shit.

*Sarah Milken * (00:19:39) - At this point, I think.

Cory Allen (00:19:40) - Yeah, yeah. But if you if you talk about being interested in, you know, consciousness and the human experience and researching that within yourself and the world, then it becomes this cool philosophical existential exploration as opposed to like, well, you know, being like, what do you do? It's like, well, I had a terrible childhood.

Cory Allen (00:20:05) - And so I'm trying to autodidact actually teach myself ways to recover for 40 years.

Sarah Milken (00:20:11) - Right.

*Sarah Milken * (00:20:11) - Or you're just you're you've taken up golf.

Sarah Milken (00:20:14) - Yes. Sounds a.

*Sarah Milken * (00:20:16) - Lot easier. okay. So in going through our ten things here. So number one, in my mind reading your book, then the first thing I saw was we have to overcome our mental stories. And that was like the first of the ten things that I noticed in your book. And our mental stories in my mind is like your inner bitch, your inner voice and all the things that come with that. Can you tell us how you manage? Not your inner bitch, your inner inner mean boy or whatever?

Sarah Milken (00:20:50) - Hey.

Cory Allen (00:20:51) - I'm just looking at the real missed opportunity that I didn't call part one. You know, defeating your inner bitch.

*Sarah Milken * (00:20:57) - Yeah. You should have called me. I could have helped you.

Sarah Milken (00:20:59) - Through that.

*Sarah Milken * (00:21:00) - Because I'm the queen of that.

Cory Allen (00:21:02) - Yeah, I mean, I, I deal with it like this. Like. If it's just a negative arising thought that happens in the moment.

Cory Allen (00:21:11) - The best way to deal with that for me, is simply shining the light of like reality and truth and objectivity on it. So if I'm about to do something and I have this limiting thought of no, like, you can't do that, you won't be able to do that. Who do you think you are or whatever the thing is? I will immediately snapshot that thought, separate it from me in terms of like, you know, my identity. It's not me. It's just something that arose in my mind. And then I look at where's the proof? Like, look at reality. Where are the facts? Well, there are none. There's nothing that says that I can't do this. This is just a negative thought that's arising. And then, you know, from there, after recognizing it, exposing it, I should say, for what it is, it's very easy just to let it go. And I generally my response to it is immediately taking action.

*Sarah Milken * (00:22:05) - There's so much comfort in the safe, known things.

*Sarah Milken * (00:22:08) - But comfort is great because you can predict, but it can also get really boring and really stagnant at the same time. Like, we like the comfort of having a home and potentially a spouse and kids and all of the things. but that can get boring at a certain point, too. And we're kind of seeking newer meaning and more novelty and all the things.

Cory Allen (00:22:31) - Totally. And what's funny about comfort is that comfort is actually pretty discomforting. But you have to look at it and, and really pierce through it and look deeply to see that that's true. So whenever we have all of the things that we're comfortable with, this is the hamster wheel. It's like, you're okay, well, I'm doing all this because this is providing this quote unquote stability in my life. But really, as you said, like at the beginning of this podcast, it's making people miserable. So it's like you have this illusion of comfort, but it's really just familiarity.

*Sarah Milken * (00:23:01) - Yes, 100,000%. Well said. Okay. Number two, we kind of just touched on about it's we need to manage our self-limiting beliefs.

*Sarah Milken * (00:23:11) - It's the second of my ten things of becoming a braver new or you. Can you tell us like if somebody says, okay, you know what, Corey? I want you to go on stage and give this speech. You've never done it before. How do you talk yourself from going from the place of, oh my God, I can't fucking do this to actually doing it, because I think that's the point where so many of us are at. It's like, who am I to do this? How can I be scared and do it anyway? Do I just hold my breath?

Cory Allen (00:23:43) - And there's a couple of approaches. Okay. So for example, the last talk I gave was to like 1500 people in a theatre, and it was the first time I'd given this particular talk. It was on a very specific topic to a specific audience. You know, it was backstage hanging out, waiting. And I started like, I don't necessarily feel nervous. I just start feeling excited. And then that turns into just energy.

Cory Allen (00:24:10) - And the then I just get like, I don't know, I just get excited to go out there and do the thing. And the reason why I think that for me, that is possible and I should, you know, say that sometimes if I'm doing something where there's going to be a lot of eyes on me, like something like that, I will feel and experience some of the animal symptoms of like, maybe I start my adrenaline starts going a little bit, right. but it's not nervousness, it's just excitement. Right? The way that I deal with it, I look at it is like it's all fun and curiosity just all about the perspective. So if you're like, backstage at this thing about to give a talk and you're like, oh my God, you know, like, this is horrifying, I'm going to go out there, I'm going to my mind is going to go blank. That's all. Looking at it through the lens of fear and as if the audience is against you. But the thing is, is that they're there because they want to hear from you.

Cory Allen (00:25:06) - So they're on your side, right?

*Sarah Milken * (00:25:08) - That's a good point. That's a good point. It was just that Kathy Heller's it's her turn to podcast three day summit, and I was on one of the panels as a speaker, and I'd never done that before. And I was like, oh my God, there's 300 people. And I said to Kathy, I'm like, how am I fucking going to do this? She's like, Sarah, you're just going to be you, and you're just going to come up there and you're just going to talk about, you don't need to memorize this like a speech. You're just going to share your story and talk about it. And she was so right. I don't even remember what I said, but everybody was clapping and coming up to me after, and I was like, Holy shit, did I just do that? That doesn't mean I'm not going to be scared the next time, but I know that I've done it once, just like you said.

Cory Allen (00:25:49) - Yeah, yeah.

Cory Allen (00:25:50) - And also like fear in those areas, like most performers like, their fear never goes away, even when they're in it for 20 years. They're not just like, oh, I'm totally just my heart rate doesn't change at all before I go on stage. You know, it's in that or it's unnatural as a human to be in front of a lot of people. So you're going to feel a little weird, and your rods and cones is going to get a little.

Sarah Milken (00:26:13) - Wonky, to quote Kramer.

Cory Allen (00:26:14) - But it's just recognizing what's happening and changing your mindset to move into it to just what you said of like, you know, like I could be scared and be get, you know, tight and everything, but like, fuck this. Like, let's have some fun and you just go out there, you're there for a reason. This is like one of the things I touch on in in imposter syndrome, it's like you were invited because you're capable. They didn't just bring you in and invite you to give this talk because they had to.

Cory Allen (00:26:41) - They're like, hey, get out there and do that. We know you can do the thing. So just changing the mindset to like, I'm here because I was asked and I was asked because I'm good. So that's clear. No, that's the objective truth of that. And then let's go out there and have fun. And if I'm in that situation, let's say I do start feeling a little weird. I'll be like, oh, right, you're going to die. Billions of people are alive right now. Trillions of people have lived. Everyone lives and dies barely anything matters like this is just nothing. It feels big because it's a lot right now to me. But it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Once I leave this place, like no one will remember or probably think about this.

*Sarah Milken * (00:27:24) - So we could we could rationalize everything. You're like, the whole world is falling down and people are starving.

Sarah Milken (00:27:30) - So you could rationalize everything. It's like, this.

Cory Allen (00:27:32) - Is not big, a big deal.

Sarah Milken (00:27:34) - Exactly.

*Sarah Milken * (00:27:35) - I do love how in the book, though, you captured this idea that overthinking is a form of resistance. Yes, because that is so fucking me. I'm like rumination station and it really is a form of resistance, the overthink, because then you kind of pull yourself out of conflict and you're like, well, I don't have to do that. I don't have to do that. That's too hard.

Cory Allen (00:28:00) - I just noticed it in myself one day, you know, whenever I was really overthinking something very simple and I was like, why, what is this? And I, you know, and this is kind of what I do with everything is like, I'll notice something and I'll be like, I need to like, study that and figure it out and really analyze and go deep into it. I joke about I call myself like the Jane Goodall of my own consciousness.

Sarah Milken (00:28:22) - I'm just like.

Cory Allen (00:28:23) - Following my mind around, like taking notes. I'm like the the ape is doing this now. Interesting.

*Sarah Milken * (00:28:28) - Your wife must think that you are insane.

Sarah Milken (00:28:33) - Or she's probably.

*Sarah Milken * (00:28:34) - Like, don't overthink my brain. Like my daughter. She'll go, don't use your, like, weird psychology podcast shit on me.

Cory Allen (00:28:44) - It's funny. yeah. So I just. I'll notice something arising and I'm like, this needs investigation. And I just start analyzing from, you know, from rather zoomed out perspective. And yeah, I just noticed, like, oh, I am coming up with reasons not to move through this because of X, Y, and Z, whatever it is. And generally it's like misdirected energy. A lot of times it's like you get caught in your head and you're like thinking, thinking.

Sarah Milken (00:29:12) - Thinking like you're.

*Sarah Milken * (00:29:13) - Circling the drain.

Cory Allen (00:29:14) - It's totally, totally, totally. And it's like, no, we need to move this into doing instead of thinking. But you become a weirdly enamored with the thinking in a strange way, and it turns and, you know, then it turns into resistance, because then you're also like, well, now I don't have to do anything.

Cory Allen (00:29:30) - I can just sit here and like, you know, rock back and forth and for a while instead of, you know, instead of actually doing anything.

*Sarah Milken * (00:29:37) - But again, I think you need, like, someone else to yell at you or maybe not yell, but like my mom, for example, like she was a career woman, she never really focused on, like, lifting weights and working out. And I said to her, I'm like, mom. Like the key to longevity, like all the research is talking about, is exercise and muscle and all the things. And she's like, I know, but I hate it. And I'm like, I do too. And so, I mean, honestly, I bugged her for two years and then I just finally called a gym, made her like a personal trainer appointment and like, was like, you're going there three times a week. And she called me last week and she's like, I just had my Dexa scan, my muscle, blah, blah, blah, and my bones.

*Sarah Milken * (00:30:20) - And she's like, thank you for making me do the thing I didn't want to do. And I guess my point is, is like, sometimes we can't always do it on our own, and sometimes maybe we need like a friend or a spouse or a kid to be like, okay, get the fuck up and do it. Yeah. And I hope, I mean, I think I have with this podcast and my Instagram, it's like sometimes you just need someone to say something in a specific way where you're like, okay, I've heard that all before, but this time it sounded different from this person.

Cory Allen (00:30:52) - Yeah, totally. And it's good to I think, you know, you can vocalize that need to people too. It's like, I have a good friend of mine that, you know, if I'm talking about something, I'll be like, yeah, I want to, I'll do this. And he's like, well, I don't see you promoting that on all your channels. So what are you doing? I'm like, oh, right.

Cory Allen (00:31:10) - I need to close the gap between that. You know, what I'm imagining and what I'm actually doing. What are my actions? Let's bring this into reality so it's good and I'll be like, tell me if you hear me talking about something and you hear me basically, you know, just you see a blind spot, then please tell me, because I want to know about that blind spot so I can take action. So it's really good to have people like that to vocalize those things. So if you're like, I want to get to the gym, but I feel there's resistance, then tell someone you know in your life that is authentic, like, hey, will you help me get my shit together and just remind me? And it's, yeah, you're right. It's so useful.

*Sarah Milken * (00:31:45) - Yeah. Sometimes it's just hard to do it on your own. Okay, so number three and ten things about becoming a braver new midlife view is chill the fuck out. You called it. Be relaxed. Be intentional.

*Sarah Milken * (00:31:57) - Don't focus on the future. Focus on the present. That was a much nicer way of saying.

Cory Allen (00:32:02) - I mean, I prefer I like both of them.

Sarah Milken (00:32:04) - Both of us have said.

Cory Allen (00:32:06) - yeah. I mean, the the reason why chilling out and being present is important is because of what I started talking about the very beginning of this podcast. If you are tense and just frantic all the time, you're going to be living in a constant state of reaction. And if you're living in a state of reaction, it means that you're not clear and you don't have intentionality in what you're doing. And so you will end up living a life where you are consistently post-event processing, which is basically doing a bunch of stuff, and then later thinking back to it and going, oh, why did I do that? I wish I hadn't said that, I wish I hadn't done that, why didn't I do this? Why did I do this instead of in the present moment, being clear, being able to consider like what your what repercussions your actions have, what actions that you have, you know, what you're doing will get to closer to what you want, what you actually want at all.

Cory Allen (00:33:05) - And then also the extra added bonus to that is that the expansion of the body being a more calm and relaxed state makes it to where your mind expands, and you're able to think more deeply, feel more deeply. You're able to hear people you know more deeply. And all of that just compounds and adds up to a richer, more connected human experience.

*Sarah Milken * (00:33:37) - Now this leads me into the next one, which is meditation, and it's part of chilling the fuck out. Meditation obviously could be 95,000 episodes, and I know you've been doing it for 25 years and you're a thought leader in it. But for the average midlife woman like myself who's like, I don't have time to do that. It's annoying. I don't understand it. I don't know how, like, I have to pee. I want some snacks, you know, whatever it is.

Sarah Milken (00:34:07) - Oh my.

Cory Allen (00:34:08) - God.

*Sarah Milken * (00:34:09) - but what are like, if you were just to break it down into, like, I don't know, a few concepts of, like, why do we need it? What's the easiest way of doing it? What's the shortcut? Until we can get to the long form of it.

Cory Allen (00:34:24) - The short form version is that, you know, I think a person should ultimately understand, like what it is that they're going for. Like, why are you doing this? Because if you don't know the why, then it's going to be pointless and you'll have no dedication. You'll have no commitment to doing it because you know why you're doing it. There's no.

Sarah Milken (00:34:45) - Reason. Oh, because.

*Sarah Milken * (00:34:46) - Corey told me to.

Cory Allen (00:34:47) - Yeah, that's I mean, that should be a qualifying reason. No. because there's no it's not meaningful if you don't have any of a why. Right. And so we could look at the most kind of just boilerplate level of it. It's like you will feel less anxious and you will think more clearly, because if you're less anxious, that means that you'll enjoy your life more. You know, you won't make decisions out of fear. You'll make them out of excitement and curiosity. And if you think more clearly, it means that you'll have deeper relationships, a more successful personal life.

Cory Allen (00:35:31) - You'll know yourself better, which means that you can then continue to shape your life in a way that will make you feel happier and more fulfilled. You'll connect with your children better, you know, and so on and so on.

*Sarah Milken * (00:35:44) - What's the bare minimum, Corey?

Cory Allen (00:35:46) - That of of actual meditation.

Sarah Milken (00:35:49) - Yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (00:35:49) - Actual meditation. Because people are like the three minutes. The 23 minutes, the 17 minutes. Do you listen to a guided one? Are you supposed to just do like you're talking about in your book, the Rise and Fall of the breath, like break it down for us.

Cory Allen (00:36:03) - Yeah, yeah. So I mean, the bare minimum would be being full on anxious, reactive pinball, human on autopilot and just, you know, remembering now and again when you can remember to stop and take one single deep breath and relax your muscles as you exhale. That's the bare minimum.

Sarah Milken (00:36:27) - Of just maybe.

*Sarah Milken * (00:36:28) - Maybe slightly more advanced.

Cory Allen (00:36:30) - Yeah. I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm going to ratchet up a little bit. I'm, I'm saying if somebody is really struggling and they're just a whirlwind, each time that you remember to go, hold on, stop.

Cory Allen (00:36:40) - One deep breath, breathing in and relaxing the muscles in your entire body as you exhale like that for that person who's in chaos will be useful, you know? But let's go. Let's say we're not at that peak state of chaos. if every five times a week you have to do it seven times a week, if you spend five minutes where you just turn off the phone, turn off the laptop, whatever, and sit close your eyes. You don't have to do anything other than just take slow, calm breaths in and exhale and just kind of relax the muscles in your shoulders and neck as you exhale. And just pay attention to your chest rising and falling, just noticing your breath going in and out. And just do that for five minutes. And once you do that, you know the important part of it is compound gains, because you'll do it once and then someone will go, well, I didn't really feel anything or I feel a little bit more calm, that's fine. But then it won't be enough for them to want to do it again.

Cory Allen (00:37:45) - Then if you do it 2 or 3 days in a row, you'll notice like, okay, you know, I actually feel a little bit more calm, but still, it's not a ton difference. If you do it five days in a row for a couple of weeks, I would say two weeks. What will happen is that, and this is one of the things that I, you know, post on Instagram is like the mindful awareness fades in. Right? So this isn't like a light switch doesn't click on it. One day you're like, oh, I'm a levitating Zen master. It's like you will slowly slow drip. You'll yeah. You'll slowly start to realize things in your life. For example, you'll be in a conversation where normally you would have just had this reactive comment that would have been defensive or negative or whatever, or avoidant, and you will recognize the desire and the urge or what would be normally labeled as the impulse to say that before you actually say it. And you'll notice there's spaciousness there in the present moment.

Cory Allen (00:38:45) - So instead of saying something like, your partner says something and you would just have some sarcastic or cynical or reactionary comment because you're annoyed, you would feel the annoyance, you would recognize that you're annoyed, you would notice the horizon comment, and then you would go, oh, well, like, I guess I'm not going to say that because it's a shitty thing to say, and instead I should actually have a conversation or or just not say it at all. Or acknowledge what they were trying to tell me, as opposed to just being defensive and aggressive. And that little mechanism, that process continues to expand and get deeper and deeper and deeper until every aspect of your life has that type of depth and mindful awareness. And that's where the intentionality comes in. That's where you start being able to make these clear decisions, really, about who you're going to be in the present moment. And what that does is not only gives you great control over yourself, but it also gives you this great, deep sense of calm and peacefulness and presence.

Cory Allen (00:39:51) - And then those feelings bring rise to compassion and optimism and clarity. And the reason why I'm trying to make this super short, but the reason why that happens is because pretty much everyone is in their nervous system state is in the the sympathetic mode, which is the fight or flight mode. That means that, as I've talked about a lot throughout this podcast, your reactionary, you're just living off of impulses. You're living generally with a low level state of anxiety that fluctuates to high level peaks of anxiety throughout the day. It's because you think the mind doesn't distinguish what's happening outside of your body in terms of a context, it just reads what the body is doing. So if your heart's always beating, you're anxious, you're pounding coffee, you're reacting to things, your body's tense, your mind thinks, your nervous system thinks that your environment is not safe. That's why you're stuck in this fight or flight mode. The sympathetic nervous system state. Through meditation, taking calm and slow breaths. Send signals to your mind that your body is safe so your mind and your nervous system starts to respond to that because it goes okay, cool.

Cory Allen (00:41:10) - The environment is actually safe, I can relax, I don't have to be in this reactionary fight or flight state. I can calm down. And that moves you over to the parasympathetic nervous system state, which is known as the rest, and digest state, which your body naturally switches over to that for a few moments after you eat, after you go to the bathroom, after you have sex, different things like that. Because you wouldn't do any of those things if you weren't safe, right? So you're generally.

Sarah Milken (00:41:37) - Right.

Cory Allen (00:41:38) - But so your, your, your mind, your, your body automatically goes to those that state then. But through the consistent meditation that consistently taking these calm, relaxing breaths every day, what happens is that you start sending enough signals to your brain to where it goes. I my body is physically in a safer space. More and more regularly. I can pull out of being in that fight or flight mode and start to introduce some of this restful parasympathetic nervous system state. What's amazing is that if you continue the meditation and as you, you know, desire to expand the time that you do it each day, even to ten minutes over, you know, three months, six months a year, you will go to where your nervous system is constantly and the parasympathetic rest and digest state in the fight or flight state becomes the freak occurrence as to where someone who is always anxious and reactive and feels like a whirlwind them to feeling calm and spacious and like, oh, that feels like an oddity to them, right? It flips it the inverse to where you're always calm, you're always just clear and intentional and peaceful, and rarely do you actually feel like you're in that jittery, jittery, whirlwind, reactionary state.

*Sarah Milken * (00:43:01) - Now wouldn't that be nice?

Sarah Milken (00:43:03) - It is.

*Sarah Milken * (00:43:04) - That's two two little questions. Number one, does it matter if how you breathe, is it in through the nose, out through the mouth? Does it matter if you only breathe through your nose?

Sarah Milken (00:43:17) - It doesn't.

Cory Allen (00:43:17) - Matter. It doesn't.

Sarah Milken (00:43:18) - Matter you.

Cory Allen (00:43:19) - I mean, there's a million techniques in million schools. What's important is that you're breathing calmly and and slowly and gently, you know, because think about again what is what are we doing? We're trying to send those signals to our minds that our body is safe. So just relax. And and I always tell people, because this is, a kind of a combination of techniques, it just expedites the process, something called PMR. So like progressive muscle release or relaxation. So whenever you're breathing, I'm sure you noted earlier, like whenever I mentioned exhaling, relaxing the muscles in your body. And I say that with each exhale, just try and relax your shoulders a little bit more and you exhale again.

Cory Allen (00:44:04) - You just relax them a little bit more and you get to a place where you just feel like it's maximum relaxation, where you're just like, okay, I'm here. We just keep focusing on that and you'll notice little nuances. We can just keep sort of softening and softening. That is really useful because one it, you know, gets the signal to the mind of the body's safe. But there's a technique called progressive muscle relaxation, which is actually, it's a way to reduce anxiety on a kind of a, neurobiological level. And it's essentially that it does have the added thing of you exhale and relax all the muscles. Then you breathe in and you kind of tense up a little bit again, and then exhale and relax everything again. And you're just trying to get that deep, deep physical expansion because of course, you know the issues are in the tissues as they say, all of the, the, the emotion and and tension does build in our muscles. And so in trauma generally does that too.

Cory Allen (00:45:00) - So being able to, to release and expand those, those the muscles and the whole body really, really is useful in reducing and detoxing ultimately. and I mean that in a kind of a suppose a metaphorical way, not a metaphysical.

Sarah Milken (00:45:17) - Exactly.

*Sarah Milken * (00:45:17) - But what about like a it's almost like you get double double bonuses if you were meditating during a massage.

Sarah Milken (00:45:26) - Sure. Yeah. Right.

*Sarah Milken * (00:45:28) - Like I was thinking about like I had a massage a couple weeks ago and I was like, okay, I can't look in my phone. I have I'm going to be here. I'm going to stay present. But if I meditated along the way, maybe I would have gotten like double, double bonus points.

Cory Allen (00:45:43) - You do. I that's what I do. It becomes it's totally psychedelic. It's like you're tripping. It's it's amazing. I highly recommend.

Sarah Milken (00:45:49) - It. Yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (00:45:50) - Okay. I'm I'm going to remember that for next time. And I think the other thing I was going to say is. You know, when I went to high school, you know, we didn't have cell phones, we had payphones.

*Sarah Milken * (00:46:00) - And so I couldn't reach my parents or text a friend if I was having some kind of, like, drama or something happened or whatever. it's just so different now. Especially, like being a parent and your kids having 24 hour access to you. And I'm so grateful that they connect with me. But sometimes I'm like, did I really fucking need to know that right now? You know, and having that a phone where you're constantly being bombarded, not even just with social media, but it's like messages from your mom, messages from your grandma, like a message from your boss. Your husband's annoyed with you. Why was the credit card bill, you know, whatever. And it's like your nervous system is like constantly reacting to this thing that you're holding in your hand.

Sarah Milken (00:46:48) - Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:46:49) - Yeah, totally. It's bizarre. I mean, I grew up, you know, the internet. I mean, I suppose if you'll say the iPhone smartphones did come out in 2007, I was like 25.

Sarah Milken (00:47:00) - I mean.

*Sarah Milken * (00:47:00) - I was in college and I was like, we can send an email, like.

Sarah Milken (00:47:04) - The internet.

*Sarah Milken * (00:47:05) - Like what?

Cory Allen (00:47:07) - Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's it's crazy how much it's changed and the pressure. But you know, of course, just recognizing the problem and then creating the solution, which is, you know, here's how I deal with it, is I batch time with stuff. So it's like, who's your what notifications come through in your phone or not. You know, you make it where only your kids can text you. And it's like, that's enough.

Sarah Milken (00:47:30) - I'm just kidding, right? Totally.

Cory Allen (00:47:32) - Not really. I'm sure it is. But you could be like, you know, I look at my phone once every three hours for ten minutes, right? And it's like all the texts and emails and and social media messages, whatever. Like you can work through them and then boom, put it down. You're back in reality for an hour or two. And then like, I check my email like a couple of times a day and it's like, okay, there's a million emails, but let me just knock them out or delete them all right now, as opposed to every three minutes.

*Sarah Milken * (00:48:03) - I know it's very hard to get out of that that feedback loop because you're like, I just want to clear the shit out of here. And then you get back into that frantic mode. okay. Number five, appreciate how far you've come, and don't compare yourself to others. I know we've touched on this a little bit, but I heard that Sam Walton, I think he said something like when he passed away at the end, he said his last three words were I blew it. Kind of like he spent his whole life, you know, working for this empire, this thing, this money. And now looking back on it like, well, that's great, but oh my God, I sacrificed so much. but in terms of, like, looking back on how far you've come, why is that so important?

Cory Allen (00:48:50) - It's because it's a great way to build self-trust and confidence. You know, all of, like, life is complicated and it's difficult, and we're all constantly overcoming things while meeting challenges.

Cory Allen (00:49:03) - We're all growing. We're dealing with really hard shit because just being alive is full of tragedy and problems and confusion. And what happens is that we normalize our reality so quickly because it's actually, again, it's an evolutionary feature. It's like we have to normalize things because it's it's an adaptability thing to deal with the new challenge, to deal with the traumatic experience, to deal with the rising level of stress. We normalize it. So we're just like, oh yeah, I'm adapting to this. I can deal with it. This is what's normal. And let's just keep going, keep moving forward. And what that does is it moves the goalposts for us, and we never feel like we are accomplishing everything. We never feel like we're meeting these challenges. We never feel like we're really growing and becoming stronger and can be self-reliant and self trustworthy. And so if you stop and you look back and you think about like, alright, who was I ten years ago and who am I today, you go, Holy shit, look at all the stuff I dealt with.

Cory Allen (00:50:06) - Look at what I've been through, you know, look at how for you example, it's like, look at how all of the challenges, I'm sure you know, you've had with your children. Just raise anyone with children raising your children, just the things you never thought you'd have to deal with that you never even expected. You didn't know their problems. They came in. You recognize them. You dealt with them. You learned how to do it. You're stronger. You're wiser now, you know, and apply that to just everything in life. It's like so taking a moment to reflect on that and just appreciating everything you've been through, not only does it make you go, wow, I really have done it. You know, I made it like, first of all, if you're alive, you're crushing it.

Sarah Milken (00:50:45) - You know? So it's like so there's that.

Cory Allen (00:50:47) - Just from the very bottom level. But like then you can flip that. And shift your mindset. So then next time you you see a challenge, you meet a challenge that you think is going to be really tough.

Cory Allen (00:51:00) - When you look back and you go look at all this other stuff I already did, like, I can do this because look at what? Look what I've already done here. Like, I've overcome these challenges. I've made it through life, I've grown, I've expanded. And this is just one more thing that's going to be in the rearview mirror of things I've conquered and accomplished. So just remembering how tough you are, how capable you are, and the present really can help you move forward with confidence into the future.

*Sarah Milken * (00:51:25) - I also think it's interesting when you do it with someone else as well. Like my husband and I were saying the other day, we were talking and he's like, Holy shit. Like, if we actually think about what's gone down in the last two years, it's really crazy. And I'm like, I know, like, how did we do this? Like, how did we get through all of these life moments? And we're like, still standing here in one piece and like, we have a good marriage and our kids are good, but it's like there were a lot of things, like parents in hospitals and this and that and kid getting into call, like all these things.

*Sarah Milken * (00:52:02) - A kid going away to college. but, you know, it was kind of nice, like taking stopping and like taking stock of like, holy shit, we did all of that.

Cory Allen (00:52:12) - Absolutely. Yeah. It's beautiful that you.

Sarah Milken (00:52:14) - All did that.

*Sarah Milken * (00:52:14) - And we don't, you know, you don't always do that. but like in a marriage, it's a partnership. It's like. No, I mean, at least in my house, it's like everybody's got a role. You know, there's certain things he does. There's certain things I do. And it's kind of a it has to be an equal balance of some sort.

Cory Allen (00:52:33) - Yeah, that's that's fantastic.

*Sarah Milken * (00:52:35) - I mean, it's only taken 27 years, but who's counting? now, the other part of how far you've come in my mind from your book is the idea of, like, comparing yourself to others. And how do how do we stay out of that? Because it is so, so hard. People you work with, the carpool moms, all you know, all the people, all the things the peanut gallery like, who am I to start a podcast? Everyone's going to think this who am I to do this? Everybody's going to think that how do we get into this sort of staying in our own lane?

Cory Allen (00:53:11) - I think that comparison can be useful for motivation, and that's about it, you know, and not even a sense of like, I want what that person has or I want to be where that person is.

Cory Allen (00:53:24) - I think you can look at under the person and try and deduce a bit of a roadmap from them. What do they do to get from point A to point B? Like what moves did they make and what can I learn from that? How can I apply those to what my goals are? You know, and in terms of comparison, I mean, I totally get the natural instinct to compare. Again, that's another evolutionary equality. We look at someone else. We feel insufficient whenever we see someone that we perceive to be more successful than their. And then we tell ourselves that we're better than that person somehow it's.

Sarah Milken (00:53:59) - Something very, so true, so true. It's not a very useful system because.

*Sarah Milken * (00:54:05) - Then we like, throw them under the bus for something else. You're like, oh, he's a really good writer, but he cheats on his wife. Exactly. You know, so, like, we think of some other shit to tear the person down.

Sarah Milken (00:54:15) - Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:54:17) - and so, yeah, I think that just recognizing the unfolding of what's happening again, it's trying to protect you from being vulnerable, trying to, you know, protect you from distorting your own image of yourself.

Cory Allen (00:54:29) - It's just all a mental protection game, you know, that comes from, insecurities. Right? And so I think that exposing that line of thinking for what it is and then remembering that each one of us has our own individual and unique life experience and what we can bring to the table, we have our flavor. Like you could take, like you could take. I like how you're kind of translating my book into your language. As I'm talking to this, I really do.

Sarah Milken (00:55:01) - I think it's the inner.

*Sarah Milken * (00:55:02) - The inner bitch language.

Cory Allen (00:55:04) - Yeah, yeah. Brave new bitch. That's the name of your version.

Sarah Milken (00:55:06) - That's it. Wow.

Cory Allen (00:55:08) - That's amazing.

Sarah Milken (00:55:09) - Brave new.

*Sarah Milken * (00:55:10) - Bitch. Making midlife sexy again. Let's go.

Sarah Milken (00:55:12) - Yes.

Cory Allen (00:55:14) - That would be. That sounds like a bestseller to me. but, like, you could take you could literally just read each chapter and then rewrite it in your own language, and it would be a totally different book, right? Like you could literally just copy it and rewrite it and be like, here's here it is.

Cory Allen (00:55:30) - In my words, it's going to come out totally different because it's being run through your filter, right? And your mind and your life experience and everything that you know. And so all of us have this incredible value, and we just have to remember that we have to recognize, like, okay, I'm comparing myself to this person. Little insecurity, a little bit of trying to protect myself from being vulnerable. That's just this natural process that's happening. And I'm going to move into constructive ness. Always just redirect to constructive this, you know, where it's like, cool. That's that happened. Let's let that go. Now how can I take that? Use them as inspiration I love that.

*Sarah Milken * (00:56:11) - I was just going to say that like, can you take that comparison? And you could either like categorize it as a trigger, like, fuck her. I hate the, you know, whatever or inspiration like, oh, she, he or she is doing that. Maybe I could do that too. Or maybe I could do my own thing because they're doing it.

*Sarah Milken * (00:56:30) - I can do it 100%.

Cory Allen (00:56:32) - Yeah. So just channeling into inspiration and remembering that you have a innate sense of value, truly, because you're the only one that's lived your life.

Sarah Milken (00:56:41) - Experience, I.

*Sarah Milken * (00:56:42) - Love that, okay. And in your book, you talk about there were three questions that you laid out for trying to figure out. Like when you get caught in social comparison, like, how do you shut the inner bitch up and go, okay, like, let's get to the bottom of this in the first question, you say is, am I being authentic? The second one is, am I enjoying it? And the third one was what's my why? Is it still my why? I love that I kind of go through that with myself sometimes because with podcasts there's like this idea of like podcast burnout, like, oh my God, I've done over, like for me over 100 episodes. Like, why am I doing this? Does anyone care? Yes, of course I have a lot of listeners, but like, is that enough to keep doing this? Like blah blah blah, like, should I just burn down the house, you know, all these kind of things where, like you said before, where we.

*Sarah Milken * (00:57:33) - We go to these crazy extremes and I have to keep coming back to myself, like, okay, if I woke up tomorrow and I didn't have my podcasts on my social media platform, how would I feel? And then I'm like, okay, I'm not shutting it down. I just don't want to do it today.

Sarah Milken (00:57:48) - Yes, exactly. I know exactly, but it's.

*Sarah Milken * (00:57:51) - Hard to stay out of those extremes. But I think the authenticity question, the enjoying question, and what's the Y kind of like bring you back to okay, what's what's really happening here?

Cory Allen (00:58:03) - 100%. 100%. Yeah. Because, you know, especially just whenever we're tired, like our minds.

Sarah Milken (00:58:09) - So oh my God. And I'm like, running away. Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:58:15) - If we're hungry and tired then it's a nuclear, you know. so yeah, that's a great exercise. And and you're so right, you know, like, and I've done over 500 episodes of my podcasts, and, you know, it's the train that never reaches the station.

Cory Allen (00:58:29) - You know.

Sarah Milken (00:58:29) - You just.

Cory Allen (00:58:30) - Always go. And it's easy to think like, oh, God, what am I like, how am I going to do this?

Sarah Milken (00:58:37) - You know, some days.

*Sarah Milken * (00:58:38) - I'm like, I'm blowing it up, I'm done. I'm doing something totally different. And then my husband's like, are you sure? Are you really sure? You just really hormonal entire.

Sarah Milken (00:58:47) - Yeah, I.

Cory Allen (00:58:47) - Think about like, oh, that was my social media. Sometimes we're like, I'll be I mean, I'm like half a million followers. It's like, not that many. Like, I don't know.

*Sarah Milken * (00:58:56) - And I have like 55,000. And I'm like, everyone's like, how did you get it so big? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Cory Allen (00:59:03) - Yeah, it would never.

Sarah Milken (00:59:04) - And then I think it's always comparison. Totally.

Cory Allen (00:59:07) - And I'll be like, it doesn't really matter. And I'll think what you just said, I'll bet. Well, how would I feel like if it was gone? I'm like, oh, I would hate that, you know? Yeah.

Cory Allen (00:59:14) - But it is funny. Actually. It's funny. I was like, Arthur, Arthur Schopenhauer is like a Westerner philosopher that he had. He has a great quote, something to the effect of like success and money is just like salt water. Like the more you drink, the thirstier you get.

Sarah Milken (00:59:29) - Oh, for.

*Sarah Milken * (00:59:29) - Sure, for sure.

Cory Allen (00:59:32) - The point is, learning to be grateful and present with what you do have.

*Sarah Milken * (00:59:36) - I know, but like you said, sometimes it's just like the monotony of it. And then you've you've recreated a different hamster wheel. But then I try to like, remind myself that this is like the hamster wheel that I enjoy, that I actually want to be on. I'm just tired sometimes.

Sarah Milken (00:59:52) - Yeah, 100%.

*Sarah Milken * (00:59:54) - Okay. Number seven, we've touched on this a little bit is failure is okay in becoming the braver new midlife version of yourself. Is there a failure of yours that you want to talk about, or something that you feel like took you from point A to point B?

Cory Allen (01:00:11) - Yeah, let's see.

Cory Allen (01:00:12) - Failure is good. That's where you learn everything. I don't know, it's all perspective, you know. Okay. I think one that I would say it was pretty was sizable was I had this I have a group of author friends that are all, you know, successful number one New York Times bestselling authors that we have this mastermind group. And basically we all share our tactics or ideas or strategies, our kind of business numbers, everything to just help each other in our careers. And I this idea, a couple of years ago, about or a year ago about us doing like a theater tour of doing live speaking, and whatnot. And. Everyone is on board. And so I thought, okay, well, how am I going to bring this to life? And so I don't know how doing a theater tour work. So I don't know any of that stuff, but I just thought like, all right, well, I know a lot of professional comedians. And so I reached out and one of them said, hey, do you have, like, a tour manager, you have an agency, what's the deal? And he's like, yeah, let me make an introduction.

Cory Allen (01:01:16) - So I had a meeting with them. I told them this idea for the show. Then they said, great, I do clubs, but let me set you up with this person that does theaters and, and, or, you know, stadium type bookings. Had a meeting with them. everything. They love the idea. it was like a lot of work ended up, doing a deal with Live Nation as, as a promoter, we're looking at a bunch of stuff getting in, etc., etc. basically it was like, you know, it was a lot of work to go from not knowing how it works to dealing with, you know, Dave Chappelle's agency going from zero to to that was exciting and also just a lot of effort. And then some things happened, scheduling wise and various other things to where after all of this effort of building this huge thing, getting it sold, getting it sold to Live Nation, getting a lot of money involved and everything, and even getting a venue involved, the first venue, having to actually cancel it after all of this work and energy built up.

Cory Allen (01:02:19) - So one could look at that and take all this work and all this stuff, you know, and then it didn't work out like, this is the worst. I'm embarrassed. Whatever. But literally my reaction to it was like, well, that was awesome. Like, I met a bunch of interesting people. I learned how you set up, like, how do you set up a theater tour? I made all these connections. I figured out, you know, a couple of hard truths and I, you know, just learned all this stuff, and. Wow, that was really amazing. So now now, going forward, if I'm a part of something like that again, I totally know how to do this. I know it's possible to just, boom, make it work and bring it to life. And, I was just like, that was a win, you know? So I think it's just really about perspective and not this not to say, you know, to be delusional about things.

Cory Allen (01:03:11) - My approach is just like, what is the use, like of looking at something and being like, oh, I'm going to have a pity party or I'm embarrassed. It's like, no one cares, right?

*Sarah Milken * (01:03:24) - You're also a very obviously a very good compartmentalize because my husband is the master compartmentalize and he's an entrepreneur. So, you know, it's like he's had a million failures and million successes, and he has an ability to kind of move on to the next thing and take what he's learned from the previous thing and move to the next. But I don't know if it's the female brain or whatever. I'm like, I'm trying to become more like that and less of a hot mess.

Cory Allen (01:03:53) - Yeah. I mean I guess I just think about it like very literally.

*Sarah Milken * (01:03:57) - So does he, I'm like you're the most literal fucking person I know and I hate you, but I love you too because he's always like Sarah. What's the next step. Like why are you thinking about three weeks from now? Like what's the next step? And I'm like, take the next step and shove it.

*Sarah Milken * (01:04:15) - And he's not meditate. He's just naturally like that, which makes it even more annoying.

Cory Allen (01:04:23) - yeah. I mean, I just think, like in any of those type of situations, it's like, what what usefulness can we extract from it and then write, you know, note it and move on.

*Sarah Milken * (01:04:33) - And I think we think that other people care more than they do.

Sarah Milken (01:04:37) - Of course. Yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (01:04:38) - Like everyone cares for a hot minute or maybe like three girls knew about it, like, oh, she started a podcast and it failed. Whatever. But then everyone's on to their own shit.

Cory Allen (01:04:48) - Totally. And if you need to get into the sort of like. I don't know, theatrical part of the brain, then you can think like, well, they didn't start up. I guess at least I at least I tried.

*Sarah Milken * (01:05:00) - Right, exactly. I mean, there's so many iterations of it. okay. Number eight, finding meaning through growth. And then you have this idea where you delineate the differences between meaning of life versus meaning in life.

*Sarah Milken * (01:05:14) - I love that. Will you talk about that?

Cory Allen (01:05:16) - People generally think about the meaning of life. They confuse it with meaning in life. So the meaning of life is just living. It's very cut and dry like, well, what's the meaning of life? It's to live. Okay, cool. So now what? So what people are really looking at whenever they see meaning of life is they they mean to be saying the meaning in life. So what is meaningful to you in your experience? What is meaningful to you personally? Right. And so those things have to be cultivated. They are inherent. There's no meaning in life until we create it for ourselves. And so how do we create it? It's through identifying what we like in life, what brings us joy, what makes us feel excited? What things do we love? Who do we love? And then consciously applying more effort and energy and consistency into those things that make us feel those those way. Doing that over time cultivates a richness and a resonance with those things that bring value to our existence, and therefore they generate the meaning that we're looking for.

Cory Allen (01:06:27) - The nice thing is, when you continue doing that, prioritizing the things that make you happy and make you feel the sense of of wellness and energy and love, then that creates a sense of purpose. Because you have this thing that's meaningful to you or things you're putting energy into it. Now you feel like, hey, you know, this is why I'm here, is to do these things, to go through these experiences. And then that generates a sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment is just meaning plus time, you know, meaning, action. You know, plus time equals fulfillment. And when we feel fulfilled, then we feel what I call the the afterglow. Like the afterglow like happiness is this afterglow of feeling fulfilled. Happiness is something to attain. That's something that arises after we feel that sense of purpose and fulfillment.

*Sarah Milken * (01:07:22) - I also love how you talk about how these things that we create meaning from. They don't have to be inherently amazing, and they don't have to be the same as anyone else's. They can just be what you find goodness, clarity, and enjoyment in.

*Sarah Milken * (01:07:39) - Like, I guess my husband finds that in golf. He used to not. He used to hate it. And then this past year, he's become obsessed with it. I have no idea why. I think it's also because he says he's like, it gets me out of the office. It gets me outside. I get to interact with like a curated group of people who I really like. And he's like, it kind of hits 12 birds with one stone. I'm like, great. But when I look at it, I'm like, oh my God, that sounds like my worst nightmare. But what you're saying is, it doesn't matter what his is or what hers are. It just matters what your yours is. And it doesn't have to be this, like hugely amazing Mother Teresa thing. It can be as basically innate as golf.

Cory Allen (01:08:21) - Yes, absolutely. And in some cases, I think it should be a name, you know, because like if it's something seismically large, then it might not be something that you're actually really interested in.

Cory Allen (01:08:35) - It might be something that you're trying to aggrandize because you think that it needs to be big. Generally, the small things are where you'll find stuff that really excites you, or the things that no one else is interested in. The secret is that things that become big become that way because someone was interested in something that was small and did it really well and had an authentic, genuine connection to it. And then it became big.

*Sarah Milken * (01:09:06) - So true. I try to think of all the things I try to make my kids do. Growing up, they were like, oh yuck, I hate that. And I never made them do it once they, like, sign up for soccer. And someone didn't like it. I was like, okay, fine, you're out. But at least you tried it. I think for us, speaking as myself and for midlife women, a lot of times, like we put these pressure on our kids, like, you have to try this, you have to go to the painting class, you have to take the ceramics thing.

*Sarah Milken * (01:09:30) - But then we don't do the things the same expectations on ourselves. We're like, I'm not doing something new. That's weird. I'm not trying that totally.

Cory Allen (01:09:37) - And again, it's like just having that clarity that you just mentioned is really valuable because you can recognize it and then apply it to your own process, you know?

*Sarah Milken * (01:09:45) - Okay. And then number nine is who you're doing it with.

Sarah Milken (01:09:49) - Yeah, yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (01:09:50) - It's mindful of who you're with. And you talk about this idea of the five people experiment.

Sarah Milken (01:09:57) - Tell us yeah. Yeah.

Cory Allen (01:09:58) - There's a saying of like the five people that you're closest to are the combination of who you are. Right. So if the five people that you spend the most time with, if you like those people, if you'd want to be more like those people, then you're in a pretty good situation because it means that they're kind of the aggregate of who you are. Right? So it's a good way to consider just sort of like the company that you're keeping. What influences you have in your life.

Cory Allen (01:10:27) - and then flipping that around and thinking, if you enjoy the qualities of these people and you see your, you know, these different aspects of yourself and them, then you can think of like, oh, well, what parts of me are in these people? And you can then be mindful in trying to be a stronger version of that, you know, for them in those situations to then increase, you know, the, the positivity in their life as well.

*Sarah Milken * (01:10:51) - I think another interesting aspect of this is being a midlife woman and the age that I'm at and you're almost at, if you added seven years. but is this idea of friendship audits? Yeah. You know, like, not every friend is a lifetime friend. Some people just come into your life for that, like rocketship moment and then kind of disappear that, you know, different friends for different things, different friends for different times. And like, I even know, like with myself, I'm in this sort of like personal growth moment.

*Sarah Milken * (01:11:28) - So I feel like the friends who are part of their own personal growth, I can resonate more with right now because we're sort of in the same boat or as like some of my friends who have, let's say, younger kids, they're kind of in like mom mode, and I'm sort of kind of veering a little bit out of mom mode and back to me mode. So it kind of changes your friendships a little bit or the priorities of your friendships, and.

Cory Allen (01:11:57) - It's not a bad thing. It's like we have this thing in culture where we feel like it's, you know, if someone starts to sort of become distant in a relationship, that it's like, oh God, this is a tragic thing. It's like, no, we're all like these, you know, we're just crossing through these different timelines of all these different moments in each other's lives. And, you know, they resonate at different times and in different ways. And it's just a part of being human, you know?

Sarah Milken (01:12:22) - I know you just.

*Sarah Milken * (01:12:23) - Feel so guilty and weird and it's personal. You feel like it's personal, and you just have to remind yourself that everyone's in their own kind of version of their transition, which I try to remind myself the other all the time. Okay, number ten, this is going to be our final one because like I said, there could be a hundred. Don't settle. I love that it's so fucking juicy because it's so true. I feel like by the time we get to midlife, we're like, okay, I've been married to this person for a thousand years. I've been living in the same city. I've been doing this. I've been going to this exercise class three times a week and we're like, this is it. This is what my life is. This is the comfort zone. And you're saying in your book, no, no, no, no, no, don't get stuck in your grooves, kind of edge out of the grooves a little bit and don't settle.

Cory Allen (01:13:14) - Absolutely. Yeah. And this brings us back full circle to the beginning.

Cory Allen (01:13:19) - Whenever I was talking about how just the patterns of our existence become, well worn over time and normalized, and we adapt to what we've been doing for a long time. And once we begin raising that self-awareness and we start looking at the things that we want to let go of, the changes we want to make, the new things we want to introduce into our lives, then that raise of awareness allows us to see ourselves from a new perspective. It allows us to see the landscape of our lives with a different type of clarity, as if we were looking at it from someone else's eyes. We can see all these things, and then when we're able to see these things, that's when you have this moment of choosing. I'm not going to just go on with this because it's what's familiar. I'm not going to settle. I'm going to move into the unknown because as we talked about earlier, like, you know, growth lives in the unknown. Like if you're in the safe space, if you're in the comfort zone.

Cory Allen (01:14:28) - There's not going to be any growth and you're just going to be you're going to probably become more and more numb and less energized and less passionate. And that's then the fertile soil for resentment and for negativity and all these other things. And so just recognizing that there's all this possibility, all this potential and that you really are worth the effort and you really do have the power to make those changes and to improve and change wherever you are in your life right now in the ways that you want.

*Sarah Milken * (01:15:09) - I love that and I think like taking it back to my life. Women. I think with our longevity getting longer and all the sort of health things that are making us live longer, and the intentional choices that we're making, like lifting weights and drinking water and doing all the annoying things that we have to do. The second half of life is quite long, and so it's like if you're packing up your bags and just just saying, like, this is it for me at 50. Wow. Like you have like you could have 30, 40 years to go.

*Sarah Milken * (01:15:43) - And that's what my husband keeps saying. He's like, Sarah, we're going to be empty nesters at 50. Like we can rent out our house. We could like get a condo in another state. We could, like, do something totally fucking different. Our kids aren't going to be here. And like, you know, our, you know, both of our sets of families live here. But he's like, there's airplanes. Like, we can come back, we can live in different places. And I'm like, okay, but he's totally right. Like, because if you look at your parents, you're like, oh my God. Like they're amazing, but they're sort of living the same day over and over again.

Sarah Milken (01:16:17) - Especially.

*Sarah Milken * (01:16:17) - And he's like, there's another way to do this. There has to be another way to do this. It's a little bit more textured.

Cory Allen (01:16:25) - Yeah, absolutely I agree I believe he's correct.

Sarah Milken (01:16:29) - Yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (01:16:30) - And I'm like okay okay okay. And he's definitely like the one who's like pulling the rug out and going, okay.

*Sarah Milken * (01:16:35) - We got to like think of, you know, some kind of cool things to do at 50.

Sarah Milken (01:16:41) - Totally. And it's not midlife crisis.

*Sarah Milken * (01:16:43) - It's like, let's do it together, but let's change the environment.

Cory Allen (01:16:47) - Yeah, in a good way. You know, if I were sitting with both of you and he was really pushing for it and you were like hesitant, I would say do an experiment.

*Sarah Milken * (01:16:56) - Oh, totally. I told them, we're not selling our house.

Cory Allen (01:16:59) - Yes, but do an experiment where you go, we're going to you rent the house?

Sarah Milken (01:17:03) - Totally.

Cory Allen (01:17:03) - But for three months.

Sarah Milken (01:17:05) - Yeah.

Cory Allen (01:17:05) - Or even for one month.

*Sarah Milken * (01:17:06) - He's agreed to all of that. I'm like, I'm not pulling the rug out from under me. Okay, so before we wrap up, I know we've talked about so much stuff, but if you had one piece of advice for midlife women who are looking to uplevel, looking to kind of create that newer, braver version of themselves, what would it be?

Cory Allen (01:17:24) - I would say, listen to what that voice in you is trying to tell you, and don't talk yourself into dismissing it.

Cory Allen (01:17:36) - The feelings and the thoughts that you have that are instructing you, the signals, the yearning of like, I wish I could do this, or what if I could do this? Listen to that shit, because that's the true self. That's your your authentic, intuitive voice trying to communicate to you, to tell you what's going to make you happy. And we are taught our entire lives to ignore that voice, to talk ourselves out of it, to find a way to listen to what we think the world wants us to do instead of just listening to what we want to do. So I say, listen to that voice unapologetically and follow it. Let it guide you, because that's what is going to lead you to what's going to make you truly happy.

*Sarah Milken * (01:18:29) - Women no shit.

Sarah Milken (01:18:32) - That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

*Sarah Milken * (01:18:34) - Just speaking on behalf of all women okay. Where can people find you.

Cory Allen (01:18:39) - On all social platforms is hey Corey Allen and then my Substack, is quite active. I'm always posting my newsletters over there every, every week.

Cory Allen (01:18:49) - and then my website is Corey Allen. Com and if you want to read a little bit about the book, you can go to Brave New youtube.com.

*Sarah Milken * (01:18:57) - Oh my god. So good you guys, I'm going to read the title of the book again, Brave New You a roadmap to believing that more is possible. If I didn't have it downstairs, I would hold it up and show you all my notes. I'll send you photos after I want to thank you. I loved your book. I loved our amazing discussion today. I can't wait for my husband to listen to it and be like, oh, she's going to become a meditator now. All the things I want to thank you and just say that your book says that the only secret you have is to just start living as who you want to be. That's right. That's it Corey. Yeah that's it. Right. That's all we have to do.

Cory Allen (01:19:38) - Is just get out of your own way. Yeah. And start doing it.

*Sarah Milken * (01:19:41) - Hallelujah. Thank you so, so much for being here.

*Sarah Milken * (01:19:45) - I've loved this conversation. Hey, peeps, it's me again. I listen to this episode with podcast host, author, and thought leader Cory Allen so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listen to a long episode, I'm like, oh my God, I love that. But then I can't even fucking remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget. Summary. In this episode, we dig deep with our golden shit shovels in a conversation about self-help inner work and choosing you in midlife. Golden nugget number one. From reaction to intention, Corey emphasized the importance of moving from a state of reacting to your life to a state of living with intention. Living in a reactive state is letting life happen to you and form around you. I know you guys can relate to this when it feels like suddenly your life is not yours anymore, and your midlife magic is just a thought in the back of your mind where he explains that this is more normal than we think.

*Sarah Milken * (01:20:48) - Because let's face it, life is challenging and complicated, and without taking action, we live in the momentum of reaction to what's happening in front of us without being present and thinking about what we want to do. So peeps, what's the key here? Action, action, action, action. I'm always saying little steps and it's so true. With little tiny actions comes intention. And then we can begin to build our lives and experiences in a way that we want them to be. Remember, we have agency in everything and no one is coming to rescue us and we can't buy it from Amazon. There are so many possibilities. Take action. Be present. Meditate. Corey says, especially if you're feeling tense and frantic, which are huge signs that you're living in a state of reaction and break yourself free from the patterns of living that you are used to. If they aren't making you happy, consciously make the decision to do something different. These are moments where we are re-identify being who we are. This is why it's so important to be present.

*Sarah Milken * (01:21:55) - I know it's scary and it can be uncomfortable. Believe me, I'm doing it with you. But we have to break away from what seems familiar if we want to experience significant change in our lives. Golden nugget number two letting go. Letting go sounds easy, but I know it can feel so intimidating. It can mean letting go of your routine. It can mean letting go of your limiting beliefs. The inner bitch that's constantly going off in your head, or letting go of friendships that no longer serve you. Letting go can mean new boundaries come in, new goals come in, new relationships and visions for the future. This is a process of separating from things that you no longer want to be associated with. This is a process of creating space because when we want something new in our lives, we have to look at why we don't have it and let go of the limiting behaviors and thoughts that's preventing us from coming in. And know, peeps, this isn't going to happen all in one day. You don't need to rush to let go of everything right after you listen to this episode.

*Sarah Milken * (01:22:58) - Although I know it's tempting, it can be a slow process. You can't just burn everything down. Believe me, sometimes I'm like, oh my God, this podcast is so hard, I'm just going to shut it down. And sometimes I'm like, I can't do the dumb weights anymore. I'm just gonna stop. We have to go at our own pace, take breaks, resets. Let's think about one thing that we can let go of today that will help us feel better about ourselves. Just one little thing. One little action step. See how that goes? Iterate again. Life and midlife especially is about iteration. We are all experimenting and learning as we go. Golden nugget number three. They are just stories you're telling yourself. I love this one because it's so fucking true. Mental stories play such a big role in my life and all of our lives. I know you guys feel the same from the stories we are telling ourselves about who we are, how we're supposed to look, how we're supposed to be, what kind of moms we're supposed to be, what kind of career women, what kind of stay at home moms, and the stories we're using to compare ourselves to others.

*Sarah Milken * (01:24:04) - It's so easy to get stuck in your head about this or that. And Corey says, when this happens and a negative thought comes through, the best way to deal with that is to shine the light on the reality of the situation. Spotlight it. Is there proof that you can't do something? Have you even tried? When I was at the Cathy Heller event for it's her turn to podcast, the three day summit, I had so many thoughts and stories in my head. How am I going to speak to 300 people? I've. Never done that before. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I even qualified for this? When I took a second to think about it, I remembered well, I was asked to be here. I was asked to speak here. So yes, I'm qualified. That didn't mean I wasn't scared. And although I was nervous, I recognized the thought and I was able to dismiss it and its validity. Corey suggests after the recognition takes place, to immediately move into action.

*Sarah Milken * (01:25:01) - Like you know how that is. Tick tock. For me, this was moving forward, not memorizing a speech and just fucking going for it. Speaking at the event and continuing to prove to myself that I can do hard shit even if it's scary. Golden nugget number four. The ten things, the ten things to a braver and newer you. I know this was a long episode, and as always, I want to make it easy for you to retain all the information for the midlife fucking brain, just like me. So here's a recap of the ten things for midlife women to become the braver and newer versions of themselves. Number one, overcome your mental stories. Number two, recognize and dismiss the negative voice in your head and take action. That's that inner bitch, that inner mean girl. Number three identify your why. Why the fuck are you doing this? Number four meditation aka chill the fuck out. That's what we really need. Number six when looking at social comparisons that you make in your head, try to see if you can use it as an inspiration rather than a trigger.

*Sarah Milken * (01:26:11) - Number seven failure is okay. We learn from experience. Number eight find meaning through growth. Number nine be mindful of who you are doing it with. Who are the top five people you're surrounding yourself with? And number ten, don't fucking settle. We don't need mediocrity. We don't need to keep doing what we've always been doing just because it's fucking easier. The second half of life is long, longevity is increasing. We have more years. Let's make them meaningful and create the lives that we want. Okay you guys, the gold is dripping off these nuggets. Grab it, use it. There are three things you can do. First, subscribe to the fucking podcast. Second, share it with some friends who like midlife shit. And third, write an Apple review. Writing reviews is really annoying. It's an extra step, but guess what? It really helps the podcast grow. If you think your little review does it matter? It does. If you went to a show and everyone said my clap doesn't matter, there would be no clapping.

*Sarah Milken * (01:27:14) - You all matter. DM me. You know, I always respond. And of course follow my Instagram at the flexible neurotic duh. Love you talk soon.