Midlife’s 10 Things!

Sarah Milken (00:00:00) - There are so many moments where you doubt your strength. Like what's happening to me? Am I a weak person? What's wrong with me? Why can't I handle this? Why am I over ordering online on Amazon? Like, is that really going to make me feel better?

Sarah Milken (00:00:18) - Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, doctor Sarah Millican. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this.

Sarah Milken (00:01:02) - So if you're new here, hi! If you're an oldie but goodie, hi, this is Doctor Sarah Millican, and this is the Flexible Neurotic Podcast, where we discuss all the Uggs and fabulosity of midlife.

Sarah Milken (00:01:16) - Today will be a quickie. I'm fucking tired. I know you're fucking tired. Teen daughter has her second prom in two weeks. Last weekend she had the S.A.T. 2.5 hours away, then drove back for prom that night. Teen son is home. Well, kind of home from his first year of college. I'll explain that one. He's only home for two weeks until he goes back for summer school. So it's kind of a little bit of a tease. Today is going to be a quick review of my first year of Half Empty Nest mom, with a little quick complaining session and a few other key things that have been on my mind. First of all, having your kid leave for college is not for the faint of heart. If you listen to me all last year it was called My Year of Lasts. Lasts. It was like last prom for him, last baseball game for him, last, you know, round of friends at our house. For him, it felt like a lot. Okay, so you think you're going to be strong.

Sarah Milken (00:02:20) - You know, you're strong. Then there are so many moments where you doubt your strength. Like what's happening to me? Am I a weak person? What's wrong with me? Why can't I handle this? Why does my husband seem like he can handle this and I fucking can't? Why do I feel sad? Why am I crying? Why am I pissed off? Why am I over ordering online on Amazon? Like, is that really going to make me feel better? Okay, so ten things I've learned this year. I've probably learned a thousand, but these are the ten off the top of my head. I'm sure you can relate to all of them. Number one, you're stronger than you think. I know everyone says that, but it's really fucking true. There were so many days when I thought, oh my God, what the fuck? My life feels so different with one kid gone. The rhythm is off, the energy is off. I feel like, I don't know, tone deaf or something.

Sarah Milken (00:03:16) - But the days do pass and the pain and heartache. Heartache dulls a bit, but it never completely goes away. Number two it's okay to cry. It's really hard. It's all really hard. You might be watching social media and it appears like almost every other half empty nester or empty nester is having what feels like a second honeymoon going on a cruise. Oh my God, she joined a mahjong group or a canasta group? She's playing pickleball. What the fuck? What's wrong with me? Why don't I have the energy to join a weekly group? Why don't I want to have an obligation on a weekly basis? That will probably add to my longevity. Because I'm kind of creating more social connections and turning my brain on. Is everyone playing pickleball except for me? Look, you guys, the answer is no. There are tons of us who aren't doing those activities. They're all amazing. But not everything is for everyone. You don't have to. I don't. That doesn't mean I won't next week, or the week after or the week after that.

Sarah Milken (00:04:24) - But today, yesterday, the day before the whole last year, I did not. So many of my friends are doing it and enjoying it and many are not. It's like just sort of finding your thing and what works. You have to figure out your version of fun or joy and that feels really hard. Sometimes it sounds stupid, but when people are like, well, what's fun? Sometimes you don't always have an answer and you're kind of embarrassed. Like the other day I was at lunch with Teen Son, who's home from college, and he's like, well, mom, what did you like to do in your little. And I felt kind of stupid. Because I didn't have this, like, amazing answer, like, oh, I was a dancer, or I love cheerleading or I was a really good painter. I was like, I have to think about that. Like, I don't remember anything specific. I played on a soccer team. I went to school, I did my schoolwork, I hung out with my friends, but I didn't have any, like special hobbies or passions.

Sarah Milken (00:05:22) - But the thing is that we have to figure out what works for us. Like you'll see friends or people on social media like going to a workout class together or going to spin together. Maybe you prefer walking with one friend. Maybe you prefer hiking with your dog. My point is, don't feel the pressure that because you are entering a new stage in your life that you have to do what everyone else is doing. The point is, you might have to do a little trial and error in figuring out what you do like, and that feels really fucking uncomfortable. You're like, why do I have to try new things? Oh, I didn't like that. This is so much work. And then it's getting to be okay when that change is like, okay, I'm the person who likes to work out one on one. I like to work out with a trainer. I don't like music blasting. I like it to sort of just me, be me, the trainer, my thoughts and kind of what I'm doing.

Sarah Milken (00:06:18) - Or I like to walk alone on my treadmill with bestie bestie, the cute little name for my £10 weighted vest. And a lot of times I see that as my alone time, my meditation time. Randomly, I'll go on a midlife couples walk with Instagram husband, but I have to be in the mood to want to talk. That's a thing you guys. Midlife, menopause, perimenopause. It's like kind of just seeing what the day brings or even that hour. Like sometimes you're in the mood to do shit and sometimes you're not. And getting okay with that and getting okay with being honest and saying like, yeah, I just don't feel like doing that. Like my husband the other day was like, let's go on a walk. And I'm like, I actually don't really feel like talking right now. So I got on the treadmill and it's not a judgment thing. It's like just getting comfortable with listening to your own self in your own brain and what feels good. Okay. Number three of what I've learned from my first half empty nest ear.

Sarah Milken (00:07:21) - The not texting back, oh, it's so hard, why the fuck doesn't he text back what's wrong with him? The thing I'm coming to learn, and I try to remind myself at least a hundred times a day is the not texting back is not personal. Teen son doesn't mean not to text back. He's not like, oh my God, I hate my mom. I'm not gonna text her back, but it doesn't mean it's not annoying and then it's not frustrating. I do make him keep his read receipts on it. Makes me feel better knowing that the text just says read. I know that sounds kind of lame, but that's how I'm dealing with it. It's not personal. I think we could probably use that mantra for just about anything right now. These days, with these hormones going, it's like the wind fucking blows. I'm pissed off. This happens. I'm annoyed that happens. I lose an entire night's sleep. It's not personal, guys. Okay? Number four, it's not just you missing your kid.

Sarah Milken (00:08:18) - And it's not just your weird midlife hormones that make you want to scream or cry. It's the fucking world energy. It's the world energy. It's not just you. It's not just me. I don't want to get into, like, a whole political thing right now. But October 7th was horrifying, devastating, heartbreaking, and life changing. And if you're Jewish, it can feel alarmingly more impactful on you and your family. How did this happen? Are we safe? Wow. Then we throw in for me and many others, having a Jewish kid freshman year in a college on a college campus that is a major hot spot. It's all over the news. This college has this. This college has that. Encampments, all the things anti-Semitism. Then you throw in fraternity commitments and studying for tests and you feel like, is he ever going to respond to my text? You're texting the black hole. Is he okay? Why isn't he responding? Is he seeing what I'm seeing on the news? Am I crazy? The bottom line is you're not crazy.

Sarah Milken (00:09:28) - And the world energy does feel really heavy and really hard right now. You're not alone. Number five, being a control freak by nature, as seen as part of the title of this podcast. Not the flexible part, but the neurotic part. The takeaway number five is you can only control what you can control. I have not mastered this, but this year has been a fucking masterclass in what the fuck is happening in this world. And can I make it stop? The answer is no. We can't make it stop. The only thing we can do is change our response to it. So I'm trying to remind myself that I can't control everything that I need to take a deep breath. I need to take breaks from the news. Like as long as I know that, like my son got from point A to point B, I have to take a deep breath. I can't change world energy and world affairs right now in this second or maybe ever. Number six having a kid who is off to college come home for a break and then leave again is not for the faint of heart.

Sarah Milken (00:10:32) - Like you think, oh, they're going to come back and then everything's going to be all great. They come home, they destroy the kitchen. They leave food trails everywhere, water bottles everywhere, blast music, invite the friends over. You feel like everything is back to normal. Oh my God, my nervous system seems calmer. My nuclear family, my crew is all back together. And then. Oh my God. He walks out the door for the airport and you wish you could go backwards again. This is my new normal. My new normal is getting comfortable with the coming and the going like, oh my God, it's hard. And I'm not gonna lie. Number seven having something to think about other than teen son in college or teen daughter being a junior in high school. Stressed college tours, SATs, proms and all the things you know, having this platform in my podcast has been a saving grace for me, but it's also a total pain in the fucking ass. It's a good distraction on some days, and then other days I'm like, what the fuck? Why am I doing this podcast? It's so much work.

Sarah Milken (00:11:40) - Does anyone even care? Is this all worth it? Should I just be walking all day to get 40,000 steps in and live forever?

Sarah Milken (00:12:52) - But I know that part of the success of this podcast in this platform has been the relatability factor. Like so many DMs on the daily basis, going, oh my God, thank you for saying that. Like, I thought I was the only one. Oh my God, thank you for talking about that because nobody talks about that. Number eight having a kid leave the nest does impact your marriage in some ways. My husband and I definitely miss teen son. There is definitely a little hole, a large hole. We all feel the difference in not having him as part of the daily routine. And so does Teen Daughter. As she has so eloquently stated, she's done being an only child lol. But she doesn't have a choice. It has definitely fast forwarded the upcoming empty nest plans, as teen Daughter only has one more year of high school then it will be next year, the year of last. We see that having one kid gone is hard and such an adjustment. Imagine two kids and it's just us and we don't have anything to.

Sarah Milken (00:13:50) - Argue about other than what the fuck are we going to do today? What's our next trip? what are our habits? What are going to be our new goals? What are our longevity like habits going to be? I mean, oh my God, I think it will for sure be harder for me as I don't have the full time job where I go to an office and kind of have my brain busy all day and 400 hobbies. So this is the part that I'm always talking about with you guys. No one is coming to save me or us. We have to do our own work. My husband has 400 hobbies. I don't, but it's not his responsibility to give me hobbies. I have to create my own. But we don't have to do it alone. We can listen to podcasts like this one and know that we're not the only ones who are going through this. Give each other ideas, talk about it in comments. Send messages to one another. You can talk to your friends about it.

Sarah Milken (00:14:48) - You can DM me, of course. Just be open to the conversation and know that you're not the only one going through this. Number nine. There is an invisible string between you and your kids who do not live at home, and sometimes the invisible string feels really strong. Like tight, juicy, cozy. So good. And oh my god, teen son texted me back. He even sent me a fucking photo. Oh my God, teen daughter said, thank you for returning all the unworn prom shoes. And the bottom line is, sometimes you personally feel more seen, so the string seems stronger. You personally feel more seen, so the string seems stronger. But the reality is that the string never really changes your love with your kids and your bond. That doesn't change our feeling. Seen as midlife women, as midlife moms, with our roles changing and going from kind of managerial mom to consulting mom, our relevance and our meaning in the world and within our relationships, within our family. Those are the things that are changing, not the invisible string.

Sarah Milken (00:16:01) - Number ten. Okay, you guys, I bet you could guess what number ten is. The whole emptiness, half emptiness thing is fucking hard and good. I know I feel like a broken record. Hard and good, hard and good. I know I keep saying that, but it really is the main mantra, I think of midlife and I repeat it to myself on the daily. There are so many things that are hard and good. There is so much growth for a kid to go off to college and for a parent to have a kid go off to college, where do you kind of lean back? Where do you lean in? What boundaries do you reinforce? What, like old rules that were part of your family when they lived at home? Like what of those rules kind of die off to the side? It's a lot. And I'm here to tell you that. I'm not sure that it gets easier. I just think we have to think for ourselves of like a whole trial and error period of figuring out what's next for us, what energy feels good for us.

Sarah Milken (00:17:07) - Okay, I'm actually sweating. I'm not sure why the air conditioning is not pumping. Probably because Instagram husband is at work and somehow it's like set to go off because he thinks I run the air conditioning 500 hours a day, which I probably do. Not gonna lie, I'm always having some kind of sweating or freezing issue, but you guys know what to do. There are three things you can do. First, fucking subscribe to the podcast. Just listening to it. One off doesn't help me. Number two, share it with some midlife friends who like midlife shit and three write a fucking review. I know reading reviews is so annoying. Like, who wants to take the extra step? I know, I know, me too. And you know you can always message me on Instagram. Follow me at the flexible, neurotic and I'm here for you.