Episode 11 transcript

00:05

Hi, good peeps. Welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. You know that friend that you can call to ask anything? That's me. Dr. Sarah Milken. I'm known to my friends as the flexible, neurotic. What does flexible neurotic even mean? Let me be neurotic while I take out my golden shovel to dig deep for all the golden nuggets in the hottest topics, from parenting, to education to neuroscience, and maybe even some beauty secrets. So we can all start living more flexibly. Come join us for edgy conversations with rad moms. Innovative thought leaders and well being practitioners helping you find that sweet spot between chaotic and chill. If you're craving that sweet spot, grab your golden shovel with me. You will walk away with nuggets you can start using today. Hi, everyone, I wanted you to hear this message before Episode 11 begins last week as some of you might know Dr. Laura Berman son tragically passed away. There are no words for this devastating tragedy and the loss of her son. I'm a mom of a 16 year old boy. I cannot imagine what her and her family are going through. We were going to release our episode earlier but decided to delay it in respect to Dr. Berman and her family. With Laura's go ahead we have decided to release the episode in conjunction with the release of her new podcast the language of love. We are excited to share Dr. Berman's profound words and wisdom this week as she brings teaching light expertise and energy healing to everyone around her. We're sending love and healing to Laura and your family during this difficult time.

01:57

Hi, good peeps.

01:58

I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, and this is the flexible neurotic podcast. My guest today is a world leading expert and therapist in sex, love and relationships. She is an award winning host of the nationally syndicated show uncovered Radio and The New York Times bestselling author of eight books. She hosted and starred in several TV shows including owns in the bedroom with Laura Berman, the Laura Berman show and sexual healing on Showtime and she has a new podcast launching called the language of love. Dr. Laura Berman.

02:34

Hi.

02:35

Hi. How are you? Oh,

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great. Thanks for having me on. I know it's so good to see you in person ish kind of unzoom us yeah, it's closest about seem to be getting these days. I know. I was just thinking about how I used to watch you on Oprah. And now I'm interviewing you. I'm like, How weird is that? Like, that's like a surreal moment for me, but

02:57

I can see.

03:03

I'm so happy you're here. I think this is gonna be such an amazing episode. I want to give listeners a little background on you. So after Laura's mother passed away from breast cancer when Laura was 40, and then Laura received her own breast cancer diagnosis in the same breast as her mom. In the same year. Everything changed for Laura. She was emotionally depleted, upset, debilitated, and her three sons and husband also struggled in a home where Laura was so distraught. Being a psychologist and a fixer, Laura was out of ideas. What could she do to get her life back on track. She had tried everything and all the things that she believed in weren't working anymore. She was on a quest to heal herself emotionally and physically. She had already written several books been Oprah's in house sex and relationship expert and she couldn't even find her own solutions. She started to dig into a field called quantum physics for answers. Wait until you hear this. Laura is a brilliant woman who has contributed so much to our knowledge of sex, couples and relationships. My intentions for this episode as it is for all my episodes of the flexible neurotic is for us to dig deep and an edgy conversation about how we can find our sweet spots in life. We're going to discuss with Laura how she's taken her golden shovel Do you have yours, Laura. I have a whole toolbox of golden my gosh and how she helped find her second life path postpress cancer and the loss of her mom and the sweet spot between living in a conscious state of intention and high vibrational energy versus low and dark energy. Laura has two intertwining life paths one of professional career accomplishments and the other finding her own personal path to healing for internal trauma from her own life events. The second half Her life has led her into a fascinating path of discovering how to love and be loved and to teach that I can't wait to talk about this. Hopefully at the end of this episode, we will know one, what did Laura's life look like and feel like before her mom passed away, and she received her own breast cancer diagnosis. What is Laura's second life look like now to facing the trauma and adversity in her life and using her curiosity facing the second half of her life, and trying to make sense and find meaning of what it means to love and be loved. And three, Laura's golden nuggets for how we can recreate ourselves in the second half of life. Even if we don't have an illness or traumatic experience to pivot from learning the lessons from someone who has been in those shoes. Most of you guys know, Laura from her nine books, her TV, her radio shows. So here we are, Laura, I want you to take us through a quick snapshot of your version of your life before trauma. That was a very sweet summary. Okay, so my life before all this began was great. I mean, it was very exciting and very busy. And I had three young children, my oldest, you know, around 10, my mom died was in eighth grade. My oldest was in eighth grade. And my youngest, I think, was in second grade, and was doing Oprah and getting ready to launch and started a radio show on radio and getting ready to launch with her new network own and two new ships that I was hosting. So I was super busy. And like, you know, you the flexible, neurotic, and most women and men, but I consider myself a recovering type A, I was anxious all the time. That was my Mo, like when you live with that level of required organization, in order to give you a sense of safety.

07:01

Yeah, for me, it's all about control. Yeah, no, that's all it ever is about. Yeah. And controlling outcomes, right, you're constantly putting out fires, anticipating fires, like that's the lens through which you live your life. And I also am so freaking busy. And I was flying all over the country and thoughts and, and I wanted to take advantage of all of these great opportunities that were suddenly being presented to me. And I think anyone would, and I remember I was at I belong to this women's group, a women's forum, and we would do a retreat every year with like, expert or a facilitator. And we were on the retreat, I always made time those two days, once a year, I always made time to do and this guy who I love, he's become a really close friend since then Robert ohata, who is an astrologer, he said to me, I think about things I wanted to create or think because you just have to land your plane, you know, you're gonna really crash if you don't land. And I felt that but what I kind of thought he was saying was like, Okay, do more yoga classes, slow down, meditate, meditate. Okay, we all you know, it was almost back then. And I think it's still for a lot of women, it still is not for me anymore. a badge of honor to be burning the candle at both ends. Yeah. Well, I think that's what's interesting about what's happening now with COVID. We'll get to that. Yeah, it's sort of that same kind of thing? Well, for me, my mother passing, which was, I mean, it's devastating for anyone who has who loves a mother, which most people do to lose your mother. It's something that happens, nature takes its normal course. But no one prepares you. I mean, you can't be prepared for the degree of grief. And it was also unbelievably beautiful and profound. And I now at this point in my life have ushered for people, both my grandmother's, my mother and my father, wow, over to the other side. But, you know, she was, it was a big deal for me. And it was a big deal for my kids because they were old enough to be really close to her and to feel the loss. And so I was really devastated. Deep, deep, deep, painful, incapacitating grief, that taught me a tremendous amount. And I talk about that, you know, in my book quite a lot. But also, within a year when I had cancer, suddenly, you know, at 40, a very rare, unusual kind, and then you just found it through a mammogram or how my routine mammogram I was fitting it in last minute before we left on Christmas break, to go visit my dad who's now a widow, and they're like, we got a biopsy right now. And then it was a really aggressive kind and it was they couldn't decide what stage it was and they couldn't decide what to do with it. So I ended up meeting basically, you know, intensive chemo, a mastectomy and reconstruction on one side and I had to lay on my Yeah, so all of this happened, you went on the retreat, your mentor said, Laura, you got to land your plane. Yeah. And then not long after that. My mom died. And then within a year, I had cancer as well. And I had to stop my life. I had no choice. And I told us, you know, how many people get a chance, and don't like to really completely stop their lives other than COVID? Right, exactly. As I move through that process, and discovered all of the ways that broke me open to real truth and love and healing and power that I never even imagined. You know, I sort of coined these circumstances and COVID as one giant one as Geez, you know, another

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curse on the show.

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Oh, yes, we do lots of cursing. Okay, repeat that, again. Another fucking growth experience. I like that. That's in my notes here to ask you. I'm so glad you mentioned that. Yeah. So my mom died was a big ole fge. And then me, you know, going through cancer, of course, and but the hardest part, as you alluded to was my kids. I mean, my husband actually was like, the greatest cancer years on the plan. Like he was so amazing, and just so supportive, shaved his head, took care of him. Yeah, he was amazing. And he handled it all really, really well. It was my kids who were really struggling, because they weren't young enough to not really know what was going on. And they weren't really old, old enough to have those super intense conversations. It's like that middle ground, right, and to really understand on a deeper level, and they just lost their grandmother, who they were really close to. And my oldest, who was at that point, in eighth grade, or ninth grade, has been a cancer survivor himself, oh, my God with all the trauma from all of his treatments. So you guys were carrying around this bundle of like, heavy, heavy energy. Yeah, it was a lot. And I and he was the one I mean, they all started struggling, but he was the one that I was most worried about, because he became suicidal. And, as you mentioned, you know, all of my usual therapy, medication control management. Now all my face managing controlling, everything was not working. And out of desperation, I ended up going through a friend to this psychic medium, who I credit with really setting me on the path to all of this. I didn't know what to expect, I knew she was well respected and did a lot of things with business leaders and stuff. And I went there, my main priority was protecting my son, you know, like that was nothing else seemed to map I read that story in your book. It's an amazing story. Do you want to give us a quick snapshot of that? Well, you basically said to me, oh, like as if this explains everything. He's clear sentiment, and I had never even heard that term at that point. And she explained to me that someone who's clairsentience, sort of like an empath is someone who can feel what everyone else is feeling, even those feelings they're in denial about. But in my son's case, as is the case with many children who are in math, and sometimes adults, he didn't know the difference between what he was feeling and what everybody knows. That's the interesting part when I read that, because my son Jake, my 16 year old, he is a very strong empath, as well. And so when someone else is feeling something, he's aware of it, he knows it, he feels it. He has to progress. There. Yes. That's the difference. See that I think most of us do. My son did it. And he was like, a cuckoo bird because he would be all over the place and nobody could understand it. And I think I at least was always steady, you know? And yeah, my mother started dying. You were the person who kept all the shit together. Yeah. And then I lost it like there was nothing else holding the right frequency for him. And so she said to me, which I didn't really understand this before. And then you know, she said, Look, if you really want to help him, you need to help him understand this help them figure out how to separate What's his and what isn't, but more importantly, you have to be really conscious of the energy you bring into the room with him. Because even when you go into his room, which I you know, you always do when I yeah, of course, we're all guilty of that high. Yeah, you know, I would open that door with a smile on my face and a peaceful ask them, but inside I was like, oh, Shadow shadow, Shadow shadow. When I was a day I was this day, how'd it go down and like inside, that's what was going on, and then that's when you would respond to so on this one occasion when I kind of had this lightbulb moment, and he'd always like poo pooed me a bit, you know, because he was really into science and I think even talking As I would try to talk to him about positive thought and things, you know, you're a 40 year old woman looking for meaning and self help books mom, like,

15:06

I know my kids. My kids say that too.

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Yeah, he just didn't want anything to do with it. But I told him what she said. And like, I don't know why I'm saying this. But I think what you're saying is true. And then I gave him the grounding hub that she explained to me how to get where you ground, your own energy, get really clear in your own energetic state, and then you send love from your heart into there. And I was just thinking, Okay, at least he's letting me hug him for tonight. Like, he did it. And he completely melted. And that was the beginning of really change. I mean, I didn't say a word after that. Because anything that you know, as a parent of a teenager or anything you are invested in, they were jacked, horse, I'm living it right now myself with a 14 year old daughter and a 16 year old son, well, anything you want them to do, just pretend you don't care. They'll do it. Totally. I just be really quiet about it. But I noticed he would start volunteering things. And then when I saw what it did for him, and in our relationship, when I saw what an impact I could have just changing my emotional state before I walked into the room with him. That is what led me to start experimenting on my husband and kids. But how did you get from meeting with this person who I guess you would consider an energy healer? She's a psychic medium. She's amazing. Her name is Greece rally. And she calls what she does reading the quantum field. Okay, so she's reading the quantum field, you start using it on your kids, I want you to give us examples of that. But like, how do you get into quantum physics, your book is quantum love. And we're gonna get into that yet. But in order to understand what the basis of quantum love is, we have to sort of understand what is quantum physics? That is you get to that you just ordered a textbook on it, like, how did you do that? I needed to understand what the frick was happening. Like, why is it that this even works? Because it did. And I, at that point was a skeptic. So when you say it did work, okay, so you gave your son this grounding how you explained it. And then I started being really, really clear questioning myself before I would go into the room with him like, Okay, what are you thinking about? Really, because a lot of times, like most of us, and certainly those of us that are Taipei's, and control freaks, we're often not nobody's right. But if you weren't feeling 100%, I mean, if you're being really honest with yourself, and you really want to say to him, how was your day? How was your day was? How was your day? Did you make it through? Doesn't the energy world know that that you're pretending? I wasn't pretending? So how did you get to that new place? Okay, so this is your perfect question. Because it has it really the brain and the body don't know the difference between reality and rehearsal. So what I would do it when I was really scared about him, and I really did think of, like, What if he had a bad day, I know he exam or I know he was going to be in some event with these kids that were bullying him or whatever, I would say, Okay, I'm going to choose to really just think about when he was four years old, before I go into the room, this amazing adventure we had together or I'm going to really imagine him and his Pure Essence of power, and peace, I would almost do like a brief meditation before I would go into the room with him, just to move my energy. This is what I started to realize experimented with it, I can think about anything, as long as it elicited the emotional state of that which I wanted to promote around you. Okay, so then later when my other one who was never sleeping, because he was too anxious, and you wouldn't go to sleep, and I was exhausted, and I'm about to start chemo and, you know, needed him to go to sleep, I would literally just lie next to him. And at this point, which I can explain to you I had experimented with how to move my answer running my business, I needed to understand how to help us work. Yeah. How does it work? Well, it's through quantum physics. And I explain it to you in a second how it works. But what I learned very quickly, and then needed to dissect to understand the mechanics of is that as someone who is rarely under by before this, I could actually control the energetic frequency of my body and it felt different and different emotional states. If you tune into your body when you're angry. You will feel very different sensations in your body that you will when you're happy,

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but do you verbalize it like for example, because I knew I was interviewing you today? You were on my mind and my husband was super crabby. He's usually not crabby. And he and I said, how's your energy feels really weird to me right now. And he goes, Oh, I just got this yucky like email from work, whatever. Like, didn't work out, blah, blah, blah. And I said, but like, you're like slamming the printer and I just want you to know that like your energy is wrong. Being off on me and I need to be in like a good space. But from what you're saying, I don't even need to say anything. Yeah, but I was like I just didn't want to go off on him because he was being such an ass. What every codependent recovery you are doing whatever the codependent on the planet does energetically, you're saying, you got to be okay. In order for me to be. Yes. And I wanted to go upstairs and just walk away. But I was like, I actually want him to like know that he's being an asshole to know, you can change his mood by changing Alright, so here's what you have to under, didn't have the time. It takes two seconds, okay, let's do it, I don't have the time just leave your take care of your frequency elsewhere. But you can once you practice it, like I can move my body into what I call home frequency that quantum loves them. You know, scientists have now been able to energetically quantify the energetic frequency of different emotional states. So the lowest frequency would be shame and guilt and hopelessness, right? If you hold those emotional states in your body or including in your mind is there in your mind or in your body, more than 51% of the time that is going to show up in your life. I love reading that in your book. And the same is true as you move up the quantum love scale all the way to listen elation, right, but anything from courageousness and helpfulness of the scale to ecstatic Joy 51% of the time living at a higher energy level like mean in an everyday way, it means that you choose. So like for instance with your husband this morning, right? If you had been already practicing and used to so like when my husband is crabby, and I don't want him to be or I don't want to, you know, sometimes let him be grabbing my business, right? But if it's going to affect me or I, or we're about to do something, so I want to have him fix my computer while he was like, Okay being annoying. So it was like, you gotta just give me a minute, like lay off of me for a sec. Yeah. So you move your body into that energetic state of that which you want to happen. So once you master this, what you would have done in a situation like that is moves your body into the home frequency of love and appreciation, because that's what you will feel when he fixes your computer. Okay. And even if you have to think about another time he acted in a way or even one of your kids or your pet acted in a way that made you feel love and appreciation, but you move into the energetic frequency of love and appreciation and hold them. And this is the secret to quantum love. And in fact, the secret behind the secret is everybody calls it a man I love that is that we're all human tuning forks, we are constantly matching energetic frequencies and finding the happy medium. And those of us who tend to be pleasers, or female, or codependent are more likely to just naturally match the other energy in the room. Got it. And there lots of reasons for that, versus holding our frequency so that everyone can match us and what starts to happen. And we now know and this is what I write about in the book is all the school signs about what happens in a love relationship. And that could be with your romantic partner or your kids, you know, people you're around all the time you energetically and train to one another. Yeah, we're gonna get we're gonna dive right into that in two seconds. Okay, so what I want to do though, is because I'm like you, I'm a nerd, and I like to break things down into steps that I can understand them. And once I understand them, I can actually try to use them. So for the listeners and myself, your book is quantum love. It's based on quantum physics. So you would say in step one of applying quantum physics to your life, would be to move your body into a home frequency. Practice that in a non triggered situation. Okay, so but a home frequency feeling, yes, would be equivalent to what

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if you were and I have got really short guided meditations on my website that you can do that take you right in there. Okay. But if you were to think about and amend, this is the key, you have to think about something as if it's in first person happening right here right now. So if you want to be in the energetic freak, I mean, anything you want, if you want to be in the energetic frequency of playfulness, let's say you want more playfulness, in your day to day or in your life or whatever you would move in your mind. Imagine a time in your life real or made up where you felt pure play, and all that play means To you and be there in your mind as if it's happening right here right now imagining all of your senses and what they would be, and you're not seeing yourself, you know, you're there. Right? So you're not seeing yourself who are there, that is key that actually changes your neuro chemicals, your body chemistry, it moves you into energetic coherence. So your brain and your heart are actually the electromagnetic fields aligned with one another? How do you actually make yourself see it through your eyes rather than you're seeing yourself walking on a beach? Okay, so let's say what was the time just off the top of your head? I'm sure there are a million you could think of but a time where you felt like unequivocal complete. All is right in the world love having a baby. Okay, so when you held your baby for the Mount, when you had it, probably when you held it? Right, right. Yeah, you're probably feeling good. Yeah. I was my whole body was numb. So okay, so you were holding when you look down at that baby, right? So if you're going to that place in your mind, you can look down into the baby's eyes. Oh, that's a good analogy. Okay. And imagine, you're not like looking at yourself holding the baby, you can see your arm. Yeah, you can see the swaddle. And you cannot different than watching yourself, walk on the beach and think of yourself in a bathing suit or whatever. No, I mean, if you want to do that, then you're not watching this up and looking down and down way over your feet, you know, and you're imagining what that would feel like, right. And so what you do is if you can do this, this is the exercise and I talked about this in the book that I found most helpful for getting started is that I would do that I would think of a time where I felt that home frequency feeling whatever that was, right? Which is always very easy to do, I would practice.

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Okay, so

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how does that feel in my body usually feels for me, and for many others, like a spreading in your chest, a bubbling loosening of your shoulders, like you know, it feels like in your body, you start to know. And then I would go immediately to a thought of the millions of things that stressed me out. And I would feel the difference. And I feel myself constrict. And then I would move back.

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So you're almost doing a

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biofeedback I move back to that other thought. And then I started to learn like what it feels like, oh, open, closed, high frequency is so amazing that I feel like I mean, this is not based on science. It's just based on experience. I feel like women actually physically constrict. Like if something bad happens to their kid, or somebody says something mean, and I feel like husbands or men, they don't process it the same way. Like my what happens to my children during the day or whatever doesn't affect my husband as much as it affects me? No, but it depends, like I would say, what happens to my kids during the day, depending on what it is right? affects my husband more interesting. Has it always been that way? Or since your sort of newfound energy? I think it's more so over the past 10 years, but I would say always, like he's always more effect like anything around physical safety, symptoms, wellness, that kind of thing he is feeling and on and worried about, and I'm not, Oh, that's so my job. And so not my husband's job. That's so funny. Yeah. And then I worry, and he doesn't worry about the social evolution. And he and all those things, got it. But I don't think it's a gender thing. I think it's a personality thing. And I think it's who really takes that role on in the relationship. But I would say that women in general, just biologically, we have a lot more communication in our brains between left hemispheres, we tend and therefore tend to be a lot more intuitive. But we also tend to be more physically responsive to stress than guys are who tend to move more to anger or disassociation. Yeah. Or just total compartmentalization. Yeah. And that's because they're not multitasker.

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Yeah. Right.

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Yeah. No, for us to compartmentalize because we are using, we're having several thoughts at once all the time. Totally. Yes. That's what's going on in my house. Okay. So, physics. In your book, you say step two, seems to be not to look for specific things. It's about looking for how those things make you feel. Can you explain that?

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Yeah.

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Let's see, like the best example I can probably in your book, you do the million dollar check. Yeah. Or let's say you're looking for love, right. Like I see this a lot with people looking for love. They're saying, Okay, I'm looking for a man who is loyal. Like, let's say they're not even saying he has to be six feet and make a certain income and have brown hair. And yeah, let's not say let's pretend they They've weaned off that, right. And now they're saying, I want a man who's loyal and driven and fun and kind. Okay, that might work. But what will work even better is if you can get clear on if you have that man who was kind, fun, loyal. How would you feel when you were with him? Or her when you woke up next to them every day to choose when you think about what you want out of love? And you can do this if you're already in a relationship, too. I certainly have

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many times. I

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mean, I don't make new year's resolutions. I make feeling resolutions, like how do I like this year, playfulness is up for me? But like, how do you create more, because that's really what we're always looking for? When we want

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that

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fancy car or that certain partner or have a kid or whatever, we're looking to feel a certain way? Yes, it's time to do. So how is it that you want to feel choose five key top feelings, and then start practicing moving yourself energetically into that feeling? So let's use the example like this podcast is about primarily about self recreation in the second half of life. So if we were to develop a list of how do I want to feel in this self recreation, once I've recreated once I've launched and like fully started to realize the new incarnation of myself, and is that the home frequency feeling ish? Well, you tell me what, how would you describe how you will feel when this is all like, when it's all done? Yeah, I would say I would feel creative. Uh huh. energetic, purposeful. Creative isn't a feeling how does creativity make you feel? Alive? Alive? Right. Okay. Live sided and slow. Right? Okay. So okay, let's just stick with that one for a minute. Okay, if you could imagine this six months down the road, or even another time that you have felt alive, excited, energized? And Flo? Can you think of a circumstance or a time you have felt like that? I mean, I could think of a lot. But I mean, I would say probably completing my PhD. Okay, so when you completed your PhD, even now, you can close your eyes and imagine a scene where, you know, maybe when you found out you defended your dissertation, or when I finished it, finished, or when you got back to where you that nobody finishes, 70% of people don't finish the dissertation. For me, it was when they came out and said, and you know, gave me the champagne class, like I knew I send it successfully, I think it was walking again through that with the gown on and, you know, and the hat and the diploma. So you're there in first person, as if it's happening right now you can imagine the scene around you look down at yourself, and you're down, aware of all you've worked for, and all you've accomplished and that you're actually about to become a doctor, and how does that feel in your body? As you're in that state? Are you asking me? Yes, I say I feel powerful. But where do you feel that sense? Really? Do you feel anything in your body? Oh, you mean like how I feel inside? Hmm, I feel excited. I feel I think for me, it was like an excitement and also like this sense of strength and determination and accomplishment.

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Yeah.

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So when you close your eyes, and you think about like, you know, six months from now, this podcast is number one, and like, let's just go for it. Right? Like everything that you want to happen has happened. And you're there like what is it really because it's really important, the embodiment piece, which is why it was so important. You alluded to the introduction to me kind of healing a lot of my trauma at the embodiment piece being in your body is really important to mastering this. And you like me, tend to live up here in your head a lot. Yes. Well, that's why I'm struggling with this right now when you're asking me because that Well, it's because I intellectualize everything

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I know. That's okay.

34:30

Yeah. And so I'm trying to figure out like, Okay, how do I get these intellectual thoughts into this? physiological, right? If you can start playing with that back and forth what will start to happen is that like, when I walk into a room or even before I get on with you, I just naturally move my body into home frequency, and everyone else just didn't trains to me. I want you to explain the entrainment because that's one of my questions. It's in your book, but I want you to explain it to the listeners because it's a fascinating topic. Well, basically, we're all at our core, pure atomic energy. We're made of atoms, you know, everything around us, us. And everything that seems solid is not actually solid. It's just vibrating atoms. That's all we are. And we seem solid, but we're not. It seems like there's definition between me and you. And there isn't right. That's the basic right? To truth. So when two atoms are entrained to each other, they rotate at the exact frequency, angle and direction as the other at all times. So this one changes direction at the same point, this like they just are moving in tandem those two is that that's like a husband and wife, or no, let's just talk about two atoms to start actually, yes, okay, those two atoms are trained. If I were to take this atom across the world to China, and start spinning in the opposite direction, this one would simultaneously start spinning in the opposite direction. That's what Einstein called spooky action at a distance because he was so freaked out by it as quantum physics came to the fore toward the end of his life, right. So same thing is happening and people in love relationships, there was a study at the University of Washington, where they found when they took a couple who was in a love relationship, one in a brain scan and one in another across the campus or building and they shined a light in one person's eyes, the partners, ocular nerves, and the brain or ocular centers in the brain lit up, even though they weren't seeing any I know, I read I read that I was like, wait, wha how does that even work? Yeah. And there's so many cool things like that, and the way that our heart rate synchronize, and our breathing synchronizes. So this morning with your husband, right? If you start to get really, really good at moving yourself into the frequency of connection, appreciation, and love, all you have to do is be in that energy without thought, and everyone in the house will match you. It's like a Jedi mind trick for your relationships. Because you are setting the energetic frequency that everybody else is matching. Now, that happens when you walk into a store as well, if you're holding your own frequency consciously and not matching, unconsciously, like everyone else is doing all around you. But it especially works in love relationships, where you are entrained. And so it works even better in a love relationship than it does with strangers, and more quickly than it does. Because you're almost anatomically and trained. Wow. And so do you find that if you work with one person in a couple, they can change the dynamics of the couple for that reason. That's what was so cool to me as a therapist is that I started realizing as I started honing these techniques that I could do couples therapy with one person. So great if I needed, right. Now I read your book, go ahead. I was just gonna say once you change it inside yourself, the other person matches you there. It's an amazing thing, because I actually read in your book that I think it was something you were counseling a woman who had a step sign, and the stepson was annoying to her. And you were like, okay, I want you to make a list of the things that you like about him or nice things that he's done. How does that apply to the energetics of a relationship, because we all have a long list of what annoys us about our partners. So in terms of like the quantum physics steps, I know like step three of your book was actionable steps, and you want to make a list of how you want to feel. So if you want to feel positive about your partner who is annoying to you at certain times, what kind of list would you be making? Well, I think one of the best ways to live in home frequency and create word, what you want in your relationship is appreciation. And what happens to every single one of us in love relationships is part of the I think the purpose of love relationships. I think they are alive learning lab on how to love and be loved better. Yeah, because when you're having a relationship with someone else, you're really just having relationship with yourself through that person. And that's all we're really doing.

39:26

That's a really hard concept to process. But it's relevant to the question you asked. Yeah, everything depends on the lens through which you view, in this case, your partner, because we're all so accustomed to blaming things on other people blaming things on circumstances. Yeah. And because of our own wounds and our own fear, and whatever else but like if I were to say to you now, look around the room you're in, and notice everything that's pink, in that room and in 10 seconds. I'm going to ask you to give me a list. And then we spend a 10 seconds. You look around the room. I see you doing it now and everything. Okay, you got it? In seconds for the sake of time. Yeah, I have a pink microphone and a pink pack of orbit gum. Right. Okay. Now without looking. Tell me everything blue in that room. Only the walls, like blue walls? Because I know that that picture behind you. Yeah, right. And you know that room? But you're not. So maybe it doesn't work as well, right? You're not looking for blue? You're looking for pink? Yes. Okay. So if you decide that your husband is grumpy, or selfish or not romantic enough, or an asshole or whatever, you know, if you decide that you have that story, I guarantee you, you will find so much evidence for it every single day. And where you put your you know, where attention goes energy. So how would I? So how would I flip that? two ways. One, you start looking just on a logistical level, you start looking for five things a day, that are really can appreciate about your partner, even the things that are quote, unquote, supposed to be different. Okay. And if you want things to improve between the two of you on a logistical level, you just start sharing that, you know, thank you for taking out the trash. I know you do it every single day. But it means so much to me that I have to take that stuff out. Right? You know, love it, you do it. So that definitely makes a difference. But on an energetic level, once you make a commitment to start looking for things to appreciate, now your lens is different.

41:34

Mm hmm.

41:35

You're not looking for evidence of him being horrible. You're looking for evidence of him being appreciate them. All. Right. So that's one way. The other way is to start thinking about how you would feel and the opposite situation. So if you you know, and I think I have examples of this a book, I remember there was one woman who was really like, triggered around New Year's Eve, because she always had to make it fun and exciting and write to her. And so instead of focusing on how she was the victim of this, and he was so sad, and despite her telling him several years, she wished you would do it he had and then what did that say about how he really felt about her. We have so many stories, so many stories. Instead of doing that, she got it from the energetic frequency and feeling state of what it would be like when, as if it were happening right here right now when he took over Mayor z and how she would feel and what it would be like, and she really held that frequency the whole day and looked for things to appreciate and decided, also, you know that it was going to be fine, either way, right? Because if you get to invest in things, you feel like your life is gonna fall apart. If this manifestation doesn't add, right, right, you're actually doing the opposite. And then next thing she knows, she shows up with all of a sudden, total surprise. How does that work, though, Laura, quantum physics, I'm telling you, it is literally the science, what they have discovered in quantum science is that, or in quantum physics, is that all things are possible on an atomic level, at all times. And, in fact, atoms don't stop moving, and become something until an observer observes them, which has crazy quantum physicists do experiments, they have to leave the building and do it in a vacuum. I know you have to tell us that you have to tell the listeners because I read this in the book. It's amazing. The physicists because of their even their unconscious expectations about the outcome of the study will affect the outcome of the study. So how those electrons behave is going to be affected. So they had the physicists leave the room and then compare the energy as to when they were in the room. And there were different outcomes. Yes. And depending on which experiment or was in the room, you know, it seemed random at first and then they suddenly realized, Oh, my gosh, it has to do with what the scientist is expecting.

44:07

So how do we apply this to our every day? So how it works, it starts with your beliefs, then to your thoughts, then your thoughts? The story you make up about things, the blue sky, the rainy sky, whatever, create your feelings. One of us goes out and hears it's raining and feels fear, because of our thoughts and our beliefs behind our thoughts and one of us feels joy, right? So it starts with belief, thought feeling. So we know that the lowest frequency and think of it like an old fashioned radio dial, you have all the different stations or energetic states and then you have the volume, right? So anything like shame, guilt, fear, blame, hopelessness, resentment, if you live in those a lot of the time and Your thoughts and feelings, you are going to have a lot more of those experiences and you are going to accidentally attract in a lot more people and experiences that support those feelings. That's quantum physics. Okay? So that's the science behind manifesting is that it's not enough to just say, like the chat, I want a million dollars to write yourself a check. It's about getting into the emotional state, as if you already have the million dollars. And in fact, often it means going back. I mean, I had to do this because I had a lot of toxic beliefs about money for my family, mostly that I would never be able to keep it and I was a spendthrift. So in my family money wasn't bad, or the source of all evil, you know, like, in some families, it was, it was more that I was going to be too irresponsible to keep it. And then I was a spendthrift. And I didn't even realize this at first, but I money never stayed. You know, and especially after the breast cancer thing, when I've been working for a year, I was really struggling, and I was really scared. And I started and I just kept feeling blocked around money. And so I started really exploring my beliefs about money. And I realized that it took a while. I was like, I really mean I love money. Money, I don't blame people, for I'm one of those people that thinks money is bad. No, I finally came to the realization and it was through a conversation my dad one day when he made a comment like that, and it's been on my mind that I really want to understand this. And of course, the universe delivered and he makes a perfect over comment about me being a spendthrift and I felt it in my life. I was like, Oh, my God, that's it. And so I really thought, like, Where did that belief come from? And all the time I started noticing when I had thoughts that were around fear that the money would stay around worrying that I didn't know, you know, how to balance something, or where did you take your brain to when you felt those feelings and had those thoughts once I started writing them down, so I wanted to get clear on what I was doing. And then I started challenging by questioning those beliefs. And I write about this in the book, too. This is what you know, one of my favorite writers is Byron Katie, who wrote love. Yeah, I read that before questions, right? I've had a really challenge your thoughts? Right? So that's a great tool, belief to thought to feel. And so how long would you say was that process for you to change that? Because I want listeners to have a sense of Okay, I can walk away today with a few things that I can actually start. It was, I would say, three weeks later. Wow. And that's is that's an every day journaling, project, after Realization. So it's been weeks or months of me kind of playing with this. In this case, you know, when there's a real pattern of blocks in your life, this is kind of how you work through it. And I just read on this book, but so I would say took me a little while to kind of get to that point where I could really, and I think it would have taken less time if I had a book like this that could walk me through it. Yes. It's an amazing book. I mean, I've like highlighted, I posted notes all over, I got two copies. I did, right. So I was kind of figuring out as I go, but I can tell you that once I got clear, not only on what my story have been, but how frickin ridiculous that story is, I'm not gonna lose it. Like I, whatever, I don't know about managing money I can learn and I know plenty like, you know, that's his story, my story outside his sphere, and I realized it and never questioned it. So once I got clear on that, and I really challenged his assumptions, and recognize that in fact, I'm not that spendthrift. So the Golden Nugget here is for listeners to know that they can change those.

48:57

Absolutely. It's not easy to change those core beliefs. You know, one of the stories I talk about in quantum love is this guy who I'm blanking on his name now, but he once told me a story about how he looked at beliefs. Like he had this epiphany one summer, he was staying a vacation house, and there was a garden around green grass, and 14 sitting on the porch, and a rabbit came up to the edge of the grass. And he told himself, I'm going to get that rabbit onto the porch by the end of the vacation. And so every day, we put a little carrot or letters or something just a bit closer, teeny bit closer, because if you take it and just put it on the porch, somebody would have never come. But he had to slowly coax it out of its sphere. And the same thing is true for beliefs. So you're not going to go from I'm a horrible unlovable person to I deserve all the love in the world just by realizing that you think you're an unlovable person? No, but I think you're making a great point because we talk a lot in this podcast about you're not going to self recreate overnight, you're going to pick these small little steps. That are attainable. So what I started doing okay, what's the next best feeling belief I can attach to, I may not be able to completely feel convinced that I'm going to have millions of dollars in my bank, one, you know, one day like maybe that feels, you know, weird to me or like, that won't really happen. But I can today recognize that not all of me believes I'm a spendthrift No, and that I actually can handle money. And if I don't know how I can learn to handle it, and I wasn't able to. So that's my next best feeling or belief right now. And then I'll just stay there until I was ready to move on to the next best feeling the next best feeling. So is that what you did through your whole self recreation journey? Yeah. And that's what I use the quantum love map for. Because you can identify areas of your life, your love life, your relationships. And like with money, I was way down in ego frequency. But in parenting, I was way up and home frequency. In my relationship, I was right in the middle, you know. And you can also see, there's a formula in there that I call the Effie, where you can see where you tend to live around certain issues in your relationship. So you can sort of see if you're in the 51%, positive zone or the 51%. So So zone, yeah. And what I mean by 51%, is that you can wear that lens just a little more than half the time, if you can hold those frequencies day to day, or just move back into them. I'm not saying you're like destroying yourself, when you suddenly realize you've been out of it for a while. Right? Yeah. And I also think it's an interesting point right now in the state that the world's in, I mean, I talked to my friends and my parents, and I'm like, you know, there are some people who are super negative, and it's Doomsday and nothing's going to get better. And one, is this ever going to end? And then there are other people who are like, this is what it is it stocks, but I'm going to use this time to work out to my life. Yeah, and there, there's sort of this like addiction to like adrenaline and cortisol next big drama. And is the world gonna fall down today and what's happening next, and those people came to this as drama attics? In other words, what I see that this whole COVID thing has been so amazing to me, I mean, it's horrible, horrible, I don't mean to say amazing, but there are silver linings in it for many silver linings. And the first thing I said when we first got shut down was what an amazing opportunity to all stop our lives. That's exactly what I said to Yeah. And by the way, what a great opportunity. Because what's happening is when we can't go outside, we go inside. And so all those people who were distracting themselves from their relationship, or from themselves, or from their issues, by planning the next thing or the next Yeah, or passing ships in the night and barely seeing each other between bath time and everything else. Like now it's gonna be right in your face, right? That's what I said. It's like, this is the spotlight on all the shit that we had before. Yeah, all the stuff that we swept under the rug is now like coming up and raring up and said, Look, you know, the money that you would have spent on travel, if you have money now, which I know a lot of people don't haven't been unemployed. But if you have that money that you can't spend on travel or events or dinners out, spend it on a little couples therapy, right, like, shift your relationship around, because I think this is such a great opportunity. And I actually am getting ready. I just joined the adjunct faculty of DePaul University in Chicago, but I am actually going to launch a quantum love course for clinicians. Wow, micro credentialing three to Paul, oh, maybe I can get another degree,

54:03

you can.

54:06

all over again, my performance driven so yay, oh my gosh. Well, there is a quote in your book that I want to read because I feel like it's sort of encapsulates a lot of what we've been talking about. It says, The key point to your book is the lesson that you have the power to create or reshape the landscape of your relationship, any way you desire, simply by creating a change in yourself first. And I have to say that that is like a very powerful statement. And I want you to go back and re explain that just so that when everyone walks away from this podcast, we know what we can control and what's possible. Right. All right. I'll give you I'll tell you a story to show you the point. Okay, when I first realized like, holy crap, this works now. done it with a really suicidal son. And he totally changed things for him. Now I'm doing with my kids stop and go to sleep. My husband, who I love, and part of the reason I fell in love with them is because and I'm not just saying this, like he's one of the most brilliant people I've ever met, and can run circles around me, which, you know, most of the guys I dated up till then were definitely smart. But at the end of an argument, pretty much anyone at the end of an argument was apologizing to me, even if it was my

55:31

fault.

55:34

It's a powerful place to be. So part of the reason I think I fell in love with him. And I think I even said this some time was because I could run not even one circle around him. I could not win an argument to save my life or debate or anything else. Like, this guy is not a lawyer, but I swear he could argue the Supreme Court. It's funny that you say that because my husband says that one of the reasons he married me was because I was the only because he's a pretty calm person, I was the only person who really got under his skin. Well, we always marry those people that are going to trigger our stuff. Yeah. That's why we're really having a relationship with ourselves through them. Yes.

56:13

So we were having he was upset about something. I don't remember what it was. But I remember we were on the deck of our like this deck in our house in Chicago. And what would normally happen is he would be telling me what he was upset about. And that in my mind, I would be what I call listening to respond. Right. So I be thing, I didn't really say that and, you know, just waiting for him to finish what he was saying so that I can then poke all the holes in his argument and all the reasons why it was unfair what he was accusing me of or not exactly do that. Okay, well, so instead of doing that, because I've been in this point, I started to notice I was doing that. Meanwhile, I've been doing a lot of this practice. And so I was aware. And I said, Okay, what would happen if I move into this zone that I now call, you know, the home frequency zone? Like what, what if I just changed, tried with him what I do with my kids, and I thought to myself, alright, well, what I'm clear on and he's still, you know, don't tell me all the things wrong with what I did. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, I love this guy. And whatever's going on right now is a blip in the screen of the whole movie of our relationship. And I know how to move myself into the feelings of love I have for him. And without saying a word, I'm still in the same position, same expression, I move myself into that home frequency away from listening to respond and defensive and angry and blaming, to home frequency love, optimism connection. And this man who had never loses his train of thought, lost his train of thought, became completely silent, sat down on the sofa next to me, and just kind of relaxed, like just sort of like, looked almost confused. And I was like, Oh, you know, and I lay my head on his shoulder, and then we had a completely different conversation. And that's because he could feel your energy shift and even know what he was feeling. Mm hmm. That's what's so cool about it. And what was cool for me is that I can't manipulate this guy to save my life. But I can now get

58:18

to do just

58:20

now your Jedi

58:21

energetics

58:24

and everyone's mood in the house by just making them all match me. And I'll say a word. But what do you do if your teenager is slamming doors and pissed off? And this on the other? Tell me what, like what you would do? Kids I think it's really helpful anyone with a mate to move into the energy of that which you fundamentally know them to be? Okay, interact with them as you know, they are not Oh, you know, you know, he or she's a good kid, you know, they mean well, you know, they're not evil,

58:55

that's my older son, whatever

58:56

else is going on with you. I never lose sight of your essential self, you know, you may think you're all these horrible things, or you may do these horrible things, but those are just behaviors you do and triggers. And like, I know who you really are, and your kids are the same like adorable souls they were when they were four and five. And so I do two things I move into the energy of you are a beautiful, adorable loving kind smart soul. I don't say that to them because I've been told assholes but I you know, I don't want to reinforce right it like a rug they step on it can be returned, but but I move I was told shover Yeah, not even pushed over just a dirt wrapped around a doormat. doormat. So, you know, I move into that state of love and appreciation and really connecting to that core of them. And then I say, Wow, you must be having a really hard day if you're acting that way. Because you are not someone who speaks to people this way, what's going on? Can I help you? Like, are you looking for something? Because what you have to understand is I'm certainly for teenagers when they lose that pair of jeans or like, you know, anytime my teenagers are being asshole, it's because they are afraid or they've been rejected their mind, socially, social media, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, you know, there's something happening where they feel bad about themselves and scared and overwhelmed by hormones sometimes. Yeah. And so it's not them as I mean, that doesn't mean you let them like, curse you out. And they're like, okay, honey, you're pure light. I mean, but you hold that frequency. And from there, say, it's not okay with me that you talk to me that way. Like, if you're upset about something I want to help. I'm your mother, I love you. I'm on your team. So it's sort of like giving them the benefit of the doubt before you go on the attack. Living not giving it to them, your relationship with them is that they live in the benefit of the doubt, I say. So it's controlling your sort of triggered response. Yes, but not up here. Right. It's your energy. Yeah, you you could go through all the motions of like saying all the right thing, but I've been here you're like, Oh, my gosh. So I want to ask a couple quick questions about falling in love versus quantum love. Now, your book, quantum love talks about a lot of things relating to love. And I know you are the queen of sex, and spicing up relationships. And I'm sure everybody wants to hear at least a few minutes on that. So I want to talk to you about what you have found with couples as the missing link in the bedroom. Because some people are like, Dr. Laura, I want to spice it up. I want to spice it up. But what is it really?

1:01:51

What it really is, I

1:01:52

mean, I think people do want to spice it up. But what I find in most relationships, yes, you know, maybe they need a little advice around positions or role plays or toys or whatever. But what people are really looking for when they say spice it up is they're looking for that intensity. They're looking for intensity, intensity of connection, intensity of sensation, intensity of experience, that we naturally feel in the very beginning of a relationship when there's all that novelty with it comes intensity, right? Because it's new and exciting, right? isn't like the three to five years is that what the research shows? Really, when your last child gets your youngest child gets around age three, then most relationships, what scientists say is that the infatuation stage when you really are feeling that intensity lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending how quickly you become committed. And, you know, so what can we do to increase the intensity? What I have discovered, you know, I used to just give people new tips, new tools, new whatever to try, which works for a while, but then you run out of those. They're like, how many sex toys Can I have? I know how much porn Can I watch, give you 365. And in a year to a year and a half, you'd be back for more, you know, year and a half if you did a couple of them twice. So it's really about what I call clients and sex, which I have a chapter about in the book. It's about becoming aware of the energy that exchange that sex is and the energy that moves through you during sex. And in your book, you I want you to talk quickly about the sparkly pink vagina. That was a really fun discovery. And boy I have I use that a lot because I think it's a good example. And it's a good quick example. Yeah, the sparkly vagina was a story of a client that was struggling, you know, with a lot of women do because she didn't want to fake orgasm and her partner was taking really long time and didn't want it to end until she reached orgasm and whatever you know, so we were playing with different ways to kind of accentuate the intensity and the energy. And so what I advised her to do is to go like I was doing with you earlier, where you put all of your conscious awareness into your heart center where you were feeling those sensations, he would put all of your conscious awareness into your vagina.

1:04:15

Okay.

1:04:16

And even better, you know, if you're having intercourse with your husband while his penis is in there, and you imagine the walls of your vagina, becoming like molten pink, sparkly, swirling energy,

1:04:33

lava, hot lava,

1:04:36

gorgeous, sparkling love lava that is swirling all around his penis, and surrounding it, or whatever is in there. Mm hmm. And what this woman found and what I have found consistently since is that, you know, he immediately not even aware he felt it, he immediately felt it and I can tell you, you know, one of my Husbands Perks of Being My husband is that he's my guinea pig. And you know he my nickname for him is send your root chakra because he is so like pragmatic and science based, like Pat's, me on the head with my quantum love stuff. Yeah, that's sort of how my husband is to go on with your bad self. But Lord knows. So I don't tell him when I'm doing an energy experiment on him where I'm pulling the energy up, or I'm pulling energy down and throwing it whatever I'm doing during sex. I don't tell him, I just watch his response. And then I tell him afterwards what I did. And I have seen time and time again as I test these things out, but he really feels it. So what would if aside from the sparkly pink hot lava vagina, what would another one be? Well, I

1:05:49

described a lot of them in that I know, but I'm just saying, for the, for the listeners who haven't read it yet.

1:05:54

Yeah, you were bringing that energize your ad, bring it through, and then shoot it out your vagina like bathing him in it. And I also use some tantric techniques where, because the male which doesn't have to be a man, but the young or the male, more male energy, and the relationship receives love and energy from their partner through their genitals. And the woman, the feminine the woman, female doesn't have to be a woman receives love and energy through the heart. And so when you are having intercourse, a man and a woman, for instance, together, or just the masculine and the feminine together, you're creating an energetic circle. So if, for instance, while you're having intercourse with your husband, you are imagine imagining love from the universe coming in through the top of your head flowing out your genitals into him so that he can receive it and then feeling it coming back through your heart. Making a circle down into your genitals into his every I'll try this tonight. Well, no, I can't because of my bladder infection. Oh, wait. No. Circle, basically. I like that. That's interesting. I don't have my phone on. But I want you to look up what Louise Hay says,

1:07:17

oh, I've seen that. Okay. Yeah. Say about bladder infections. But you want me to look it up right now? Yeah, real quick.

1:07:25

I think it's

1:07:26

relevant. Oh, my God. I haven't had one in a year. Okay, here. Ready? Yeah. Water problems.

1:07:35

This is becoming the source.

1:07:37

Okay, bladder problems. anxiety. Hmm. Holding on to old ideas. Fear of letting go and being pissed off? Who? Wow. Okay. Well, I'm a lot of work to do. that's relevant. Yeah. As your body's telling you something that is standing in the way of that which you want to manifest if you feel anxiety, and what was and what was that other one? that other one was really powerful. But second to the third one, I said, really stood out to me Hold on.

1:08:13

Wait, anxiety?

1:08:15

Oh, fear of letting go? question I'm going to leave you at because I'm just getting like, that feels really true to me. It's a version of what I was talking about with money. And myself, you know, that there is a core belief that you have. And the question to ask yourself, and to try and just brainstorm and be as wildly open with yourself as you possibly could be, is, if I were to be unbelievably successful. In this next endeavor I'm doing or want to do, what would be the worst thing that could happen?

1:08:51

You want me to answer that?

1:08:52

Okay. But I want that to be the area of inquiry because the fear of letting go, usually the fear of losing something, which has to do with your story about what's going to happen? Mm hmm. Future, right, right. That to me says that working through that helps you manifest and move more cleanly into those quantum love zones that will create what you really want to create my newly self recreated Sara right. Oh, wow, I love this. Okay, I have to wrap up with you because I know you have to go. But I want to say a few things. First, I want to say that if I had to write some post it notes for myself right now I would write what energy Am I putting out? I want to focus on what I want to feel not what I want, meditating and feeling what I want. What are we feeling thinking and vibrating stop focusing on what you want. start focusing on how you want to feel. It's not about material things. After our basic needs are met. It's about finding chances. Reading opportunities that match the frequencies of the feelings. We're looking for playful joy to juggling club feeling brainy, join a book club. We can do things to live in a higher frequency vibrational state to achieve personal meaning and satisfaction, especially for the purpose of this podcast. during a time of self recreation in the second half of life, no one is going to do it for you. You have to do it yourself. Right, Laura? Okay, I have a few last questions. Fun shit about Laura, what's next on your bucket list? I launch February 14, my new podcast? Yes. What

1:10:38

is that called?

1:10:39

It's called the language of love with Dr. Laura Berman. And it will be you can call in and all sorts of calls questions about sex, love relationships. Amazing. So now we can all tune into another podcast with the love expert. Yeah, anything that you have learned that's now on your bucket list after quarantine. After quarantine, I would say on my bucket list is really, I mean, what I've loved most that I needed to say bucket tube in order to enjoy is all of the creative endeavors like I've just stopped. Because I you know, historically, I'm a bit of an overachiever. So I've gotten really into the painting and drying and embroidery with the free time. And I have no artists. I mean, it's not like I'm extremely talented. But I have said fuck it to that. And just enjoying the process. You know, what I like about those activities is that you can't multitask. Yes, but I think it'd be good for you to do a little less multitask. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that's an amazing thing. Because yes, I can carry while watching like boring rocking stock. Okay, but you're not scrolling Instagram while you're painting. No. And I'm not doing anything else. And those things make me feel in flow. So I think that's a really important thing at all points in life, but especially when you're trying to kind of move yourself into higher frequencies to try to spend as much time as you can, around people and doing things most importantly, that make you feel like you're in flow. I was actually going to ask you that earlier. is high frequency the same as flow? Yes. Very, very similar was one of my questions. And you just answered that. Yeah. Interesting. Okay, secret pleasure. sex toys. Just

1:12:34

kidding.

1:12:38

Do you have a favorite sex toy? Well, I have a whole line of my own. I know. But like if you had to pick one on a desert island?

1:12:45

Oh, my favorite is probably the theme that's like the most applicable to all situations. Small. You can use alone. it's small enough to fit in between the two of you. It's very powerful. That's just a straight up vibrator. Yes. It's like a little cylinder. It's waterproof. And about this big, external. I mean, they're all those with the bells and the whistles and the pearls, all those things, but yeah, okay. favorite beauty treatment. The one thing I never go without is the benefit. salicylic pants. Okay, as I my 40s and those pores start getting bigger. I know I did the whole adult acne thing a few years ago, I thought I was gonna die. Okay, what woowoo things do you do for you? I'd say what things do not do. Exactly. Is there anything you haven't done that you want to do? plant medicine. I don't know. I would love to do I've never done plant medicine. But I would love to do Alyssa Goodman. My last guest she told me that she did that. And it was the most life changing thing out of almost everything she's done. Well, you know, I have I've met a wonderful psychiatrist and practitioner who does this. And this guy going on this journey with him because he does a therapeutic guided plant medicine journey. 12 years form them. So I am doing it this year. We'll see. Okay, great, favorite TV show or anything you're watching now. You know as soon as also my guilty pleasure. I love watching babies on social media. When I get like really stressed. I just sit on the couch and watch hallmark movies. Okay. It's like an oxytocin bath for your brain that has to be like really cheesy, like a hallmark movie. Yeah, that's sort of like porn though. Because you're like, oh, how romantic. Wait, let me find my husband. What was the last thing you ordered from Amazon? Probably something for the ecosystem. One of my kids is building for his oh my gosh, okay. Was intuition now To you, or did you have to work at it? It was unbelievably natural to me as a child, and then I completely shut it down. Was that because you were like a school nerd and you were trying to achieve academic, family and make fun of and it also started getting scary because I didn't really understand it didn't have a context for it. And so I was seeing things that weren't there. So quantum physics helped you get back to that. Yeah,

1:15:29

that's awesome.

1:15:30

What is the smallest thing we can do today to start our shift towards self recreation, make a decision. And I think it's really important not to get caught up in the how Mm hmm. Really focus on the why. And the what you want to feel if you focus on why you want to create you know, who you're trying to help, how you're trying to, you know, serve the world, what you want the effect and you know why you're doing or wanting to create what you want to create, and how you're going to feel when that creation occurs. That is where you start. I love now that we have our shit shoveled for today, I hope you have loved listening to Dr. Laura Berman and her golden nuggets as much as I have. I've loved digging deep with you. I could have gone on forever. I'm sorry you have to go pick up or take a child some digging deep with you with our golden shovels today on this podcast. If listeners want to find you where can they find you? You can find me on my website Dr. Laura Berman comm where I have actually reprogram right now seven days to jumpstart your sex life. You can find me on social media on all platforms at Dr. Laura Berman on YouTube. I have one minute videos on my 100 most common questions I get about sex and love. That's on the YouTube channel of Dr. Laura Berman and February 14, I'm launching the podcast. I know I can't wait. So I want all the listeners to think about what shit they can start doing today. One small step. I want to thank Laura for explaining how we can take quantum physics and apply it to our personal selves lives and love and specific things we can do in the journey called life. And for all the tools and inspiration for the second half of life and hence this podcast, Dr. Laura Berman.

1:17:20

Thank you. Thank you so much. I've enjoyed this. You are so welcome. Hi, it's me again. Before we get to the Golden Nugget wrap up I want to let you know that Laura also took me through a guided meditation during our conversation. It is 10 minutes long. It's an incredible example of finding the energy we want for ourselves and reimagining how we can feel great within ourselves and the world. You can find the link to the guided meditation in the show notes on my website, the flexible neurotic.com go to Episode 10. Back to the golden nuggets. I listened to this episode with Dr. Laura Berman, so I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a long episode, I'm like oh my god, I love that but I can't remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do a golden nugget summary. Again, if you go to my website, the flexible neurotic.com and click episodes then click on Laura Berman's photo. It's all written out and the links mentioned in the episode are there too. In this episode, we found the sweet spot and learning to reconnect with our partners on an emotional and physical level. We learn how to intensify our sexual and personal energies and how to deepen our relationships. Get Dr. Berman's book quantum love, use your body's atomic energy to create the relationship you deserve. Golden Nugget number one, everything is energy. Your body emotions and thoughts are all energy, emotions and thoughts are forms of formless energy. All these types of energies are connected your body emotions and thoughts. The way you hold your body connects to how you feel and how you feel affects what you think and vice versa. All of these energies are intertwined. Laura explains that scientists have been able to energetically quantify the energetic frequency of different emotional states and our emotions are energy that we put out in the world. One of my favorite quotes from her book is life is energy. Emotions are energy you are energy, your partner's energy at our core that is all each of us really is energy. The truth is simple, universal and powerful. Whether it's sadness, joy, fear or rage, emotions are nothing more than energy moving through our bodies. Golden Nugget number two, we are all connected. Laura explains how everything is energy. Everyone has energy. So when you are in a room with people, everyone's energies are Connect it. In these situations, you have to practice tuning into your home frequency, which is your main frequency of your body where you feel at the calmness, most pleasing state. And you can connect energetically with those around you all of our connections or exchanges of energy. Not only that, but since we are all connected, we are constantly matching each other's energetic frequencies, it's important to put good energy out there, so that the people around you will match your energy and bring good energy back. Laura says that the people who are around you all the time, like your romantic partner or your kids, you energetically train one another and match each other's frequencies. She goes on to say that if you start to get really, really good at moving yourself into the frequency of connection, appreciation, and love, all you have to do is be in that energy without thought and everyone in the household match you. She says it's a Jedi mind trick for your relationships, because you are setting the energetic frequency that everybody else is matching, golden nugget. Number three, you create your own reality. You have control over your thoughts, even your unconscious expectations influence what happens in your life and the outcome. It is up to you to shape your own reality. You have the power to create or reshape the landscape of your relationship. You can move into your home frequency and choose how you feel towards people, and the energy that you put out there. This starts with you and no one else. Laura even demonstrates this in her book scientifically. There's a story about physicists who are performing experiments. And depending on which physicist is in the room and what they are personally expecting to be the outcomes. The study outcomes actually change the simple subconscious of the physicist, change the entire experiment. Golden Nugget number four, when you hold negative emotions or energy, it will show up in your life. Similar to how we were talking about creating your own reality, the way you hold on to emotions will affect your life, especially when they're negative emotions. If you hold on to negative emotions, that's the energy that you put out into the world. And that is the energy that you will get back. Laura says the lowest frequency would be shame and guilt and hopelessness. And if you hold these emotional states in your body or in your mind more than 51% of the time that's going to show up in your life. Bottom line, we can define and influence the energies around us by harnessing our own energy as to what we want in our lives. The gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it, use it. The resources and products mentioned in this episode are in the shownotes please go to my website, the flexible neurotic.com subscribe to the podcast and sign up for the sweetspot newsletter. It will give you exclusive updates about my podcast secret golden nuggets that are not mentioned in the episodes and other cool stuff. Also follow my Instagram at the flexible neurotic talk soon.

1:23:12

Good peeps. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed finding our sweet spot today, and digging through layers of shit with your golden shovel, subscribe, subscribe. Subscribe. DM me on Instagram at the flexible neurotic. Tell me which golden nuggets resonated with you. The ones that you're going to start using today to start getting your shit together to find our sweet spots. screenshot it, send it to a friend. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic, inspiring you to gather, curate, incorporate, maybe even meditate