Hard & Good In Midlife

Sarah Milken (00:00:00) - Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Half empty nesting or full? Empty nesting is hard. Midlife is all hard and good. Stop for second and think hard and good. Like that's my mantra for this year. The dumb fucking weights are hard, but they're good. Hey peeps, welcome to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. I'm your host, doctor Sarah Milken. Yeah, you heard that right. I'm a real PhD doctor. Long, long ago, like last fucking year, I was sitting in the midlife funk wondering, was this it for me? That day, I realized I needed to get off my ass and start my midlife remix. I dusted off my PhD, wiped the menopause sweat off my forehead, grabbed my golden shit shovel, and started digging deep to all my midlife bitches. It's not just luck, coffee, and hormones that get you through your midlife remix. It's action steps. Let's do this. Hey peeps, this is Doctor Sarah Millican and this is the Flexible Neurotic Podcast. If you're new here.

Sarah Milken (00:01:13) - Hi! If you're an oldie but goodie, hi! I'm so happy all of you guys are here. It's after the new year and I'm not going to lie, I kind of thought I was going to wake up in 2024 and be like a whole new me. I mean, come on, you know me. I probably didn't really think that, but I kind of secretly hope for that. Um, not that I need a whole new re hold me, but it's definitely been quite a year and I know there's like so much New Year's, new you, new 2020 for all of the things intentions, goals, all of it, I don't know, I'm not really feeling that right now because I do. Like I said, I do feel like it was a fucking crazy year for me personally and worldly and with the dog barking right now, because the Amazon guys here who's my best friend. But I just wanted to do this quick little mini sode here to basically say thank you. Thank you for being here.

Sarah Milken (00:02:17) - I am so grateful to all of you who have supported my podcast for the last few years. It has been such an amazing experience for me personally. And you know, Instagram. Husband and teen daughter and teen son have really loved the vagina talk, the midlife sweating talk, all of the Instagram showcasing of them and all the things. Okay, back to the year. Well, it's kind of well, it's not kind of it's horribly sad and really disheartening. And I don't know, I just got back from one of Teen Son's best friend's moms funerals and I don't know, I feel like this is the first parent who's like, our age of like one of my kids best friend's passing and teen son was in Japan over the New Year's week, and he texted me about her death and I just thought, oh my God, that poor kid. Like, how does he lose a parent this young? And look, I know that we all will lose people at different points in our lives, but I know my son was struggling with it and just thought like, how could this be? How is this even happening? But I'm happy that he was back in time for the funeral and spending time with their family at their house.

Sarah Milken (00:03:48) - And I have to say, it was such a beautiful service. They spoke so beautifully, every single one of them, about this woman's light and the energy she brought to every single thing she did. I'm not sharing her name only just out of respect and privacy, but just being there with my son and I, both of us just kind of shedding tears and I don't know, I held his hand so tightly when we sort of got into this circle. The service was in a temple and we were singing, oh, say Shalom. I mean, oh my God, I lost it, I really did. And Instagram Husband was like two people over from me because there were other people like scrunched in the middle and I was kept like trying to pull for him to get through the two people. But I'm proud of the kid who lost his mom because he's really, really showing up for himself, showing up for his family. And it's so beautiful watching that whole teen son crew show up for him. If you guys follow my Instagram or listen to my podcast, you know that teen son has this group of like ten friends and they've all been best friends family since seventh or eighth grade and probably spend every single day at my house.

Sarah Milken (00:05:07) - They're all like second kids for me. So having said all that, it's been quite an emotional day, but definitely an emotional year. And that's kind of what I want to talk about today. Look, I should be grateful, of course. Of course I'm grateful. I'm grateful for so many things. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. And I kind of feel empty sometimes, too. And I know a lot of midlife women feel that way. It's hormone hell. Your testosterone is dropping. I have not added testosterone to my midlife toolkit yet because I don't know, I. I just feel like I'm taking so many things like insulin resistance this, that, that. I just didn't want to add another thing, but it's definitely on the agenda, don't get me wrong. And I know that it kind of makes you feel a little kind of frumpy lumpy when you don't have enough testosterone. But my numbers are never 100% clear where they stand because I take birth control pills. I know birth control pills at 48.

Sarah Milken (00:06:10) - Oh my God, I've been on them since I was 14. I definitely have to switch over to HRT. But of course I have like all these things in my head of like, why rock the fucking boat when you don't need to? So that's where I'm at right now with that. The feeling kind of empty thing. Obviously it's probably a dump in testosterone. I probably have enough estrogen from the birth control pills, but I think it's kind of this midlife invisible feeling that a lot of you guys can relate to. I'm sure it's kind of like, okay, my oldest kid went off to college and barely speaks to me. Not in a bad way. Like in a good way. He's totally independent. He's having a great fucking time. He has great friends, he's doing well in school and like, he doesn't need to communicate with me every single day. But it kind of leaves me. And I'm sure some of you guys feeling like, oh, I kind of feel a little bit irrelevant, a little bit invisible.

Sarah Milken (00:07:07) - I'd say, raise your hand if you're feeling that way, but I don't even need you to because I know you are, because I get so many messages from you guys going, me too, me too. You might be a midlife woman listening to me and thinking like, oh my God, she's reading my mind. There are so many things that I am grateful for my family, my parents, my kids, my house, food on the table. But at the same time, you're like, why am I not totally satisfied? I started a podcast. I have done well with it. I've started an Instagram that goes along with the podcast and that's done really well too. But I sort of feel like it's like a midlife rite of passage to kind of rethink things again. And it's been three years since I started the podcast, and I love it, of course, and I'm so happy that all of you guys are here. But sometimes I think I'm like, okay, well, what's next for me? And it's not Debbie Downer and this mini soda's not Debbie Downer, but it's kind of like, let's get fucking real going into 2024.

Sarah Milken (00:08:15) - Not that I haven't been real before. I mean, you guys know, I talk about my vagina, I talk about hair loss, I talk about Rogaine and retainers and all the things. But I also feel like with New Year's and resolutions and intentions and all of that stuff, sometimes people feel like, well, fuck, like, I'm not going to start cold plunging tomorrow. I'm not going to start counting macros tomorrow. I'm not going to start running a marathon tomorrow. So why the fuck bother with all of these things? And I'm here to say you guys. Honestly, in midlife, if you can get up most days of the week and feel like you want to live that day well and that you're happy ish, you're grateful ish, you get to do the dumb fucking weights. You get to notice that it's a get to not have to. I've been trying to convince myself of that lately. It's like I get to do the dumb weights that are good for my brain and my muscles and my body.

Sarah Milken (00:09:14) - I get to okay, so I don't have the magic ten Steps of how to Become this new Midlife woman in 2024. But I will say, like I said a second ago, I have been a little bit emotional towards the end of this year just thinking about like the whole past year, what's happened personally, like maybe I have some PTSD, I don't know. I mean 2023 had so many joys. My son graduated from high school, but that was really hard. He applied to colleges. Amazing, but so hard. And there were so many glimmers. Like I said, high school graduation. My parents got to be there. We were there. He's made amazing friends, all of the things. But then you think, well, my job is done. He's baked and cooked. Like, am I going to be irrelevant now? And I kind of feel like this the last few months of this year, I think because of the atrocities and all of the loss that happened in Israel and being a Jewish mom and a Jewish woman.

Sarah Milken (00:10:22) - And feeling so deeply for these families that it kind of killed the end of the year for me. Not literally. That was probably not a good word, but it really put an extra filter and layer on the end of the year for me, of sadness and sorrow and deep, deep empathy for these families. Like, how could this even be happening? How could the world be standing and watching all of this happening and having a kid in college for the first time with all the stuff happening on college campuses while feeling slightly irrelevant? Just as a mom and a midlife woman, I don't know, it was. It's definitely been a lot. I had an Instagram post maybe about a month ago that was a picture of Instagram husband and me. And if you're wondering why I call him Instagram Husband, if you're new here, it's because Instagram Husband does not like Instagram. A husband does not like Instagram. He's kind of like a social media hermit, so I call him that just to be annoying for no other reason.

Sarah Milken (00:11:25) - But back to the Instagram post. There was a post that I put up that basically talked about hard and good, and I kind of feel like this whole year for me has been hard and good. Like, you know, everyone has not everyone, but a lot of people on Instagram that you see on social media, they're like, my word for the year is this my word for the year is that I don't have a fucking word for the year. I don't have the perfect word to kind of encompass all of my intentions for the year, but I am going to say I kind of have this mantra in my mind that is like hard and good things can be hard and good all at the same time and get your minds out of the gutter. I am not talking about sex, even though I probably should be talking about it, and my husband's probably wondering what's wrong with me, but that's probably part of the testosterone dump that I'm feeling. But in the Instagram post that so many of you guys comment and and liked and got into it with me, I listed okay, here are some of the hard and goods.

Sarah Milken (00:12:33) - Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Half empty nesting or full empty nesting is hard. Midlife is all hard and good. Stop for a second and think hard and good. Like that's my mantra for this year. The dumb fucking weights are hard, but they're good. I experienced just the last school year with Teen son with his senior year that I called the year of Lasts. Lasts the year of last, the last baseball game, the last prom, the last. So many things for him. Obviously, I have a daughter who's in 11th grade, but my last with him. Oh my God, firstborn. And the college application process. It's definitely not for the faint of heart. That is just I'm not going to lie, it's hard in every possible way. No one can prepare you for it. No one can prepare your kid for it. It's like childbirth. You just have to go through it. And then at the other end, it is what it is. And everyone turns out to be happy and in the right place and all of the things.

Sarah Milken (00:13:43) - And now I get to do it again with Teen Daughter in 11th grade. Holy shit, how am I going to do that again? First high school graduation again. So exciting, so good, yet so fucking hard. Why are there so many hard and good's okay? So how are Instagram husband and I old enough to even have a kid going to college? Holy shit. Like, how did that happen? I had my first live event that I called the Midlife Baby Shower, where we did not celebrate our kids. We celebrated ourselves, and I had an Instagram post that basically said, I don't have a baby anymore and now I'm going to take care of myself. Okay, so I have a few mini sods on this event that you guys can go back and listen to. But the point is, is that that was something that was hard and good. It was a joy and it was a glimmer in my year, but it was also so hard. I had never charge money before for something that was related to my podcast or my Instagram.

Sarah Milken (00:14:50) - And you know, we all have imposter syndrome. Like, how am I going to suddenly charge money for people to come to my event? It just felt so weird, hard and good. Then last summer, uh, teen son, it was his last summer at home. He went off to your for three weeks with his teen crew, yet it was so amazing. Yet it was so hard. He, um. Then let's see. We packed his bags. I'm trying to remember all of this in order. And off we went to Philadelphia for college. Move in. How the fuck this happened? I have no idea. Like, how do I have a kid going to college hard and good. You know, we feel so heartful as parents especially, you know, it's like, oh my God, he's going to college. And like, he has the opportunity to go where he really wanted to go. And we're so happy for him. And teen Son was baked and cooked. You know he's he's he was 18 actually.

Sarah Milken (00:15:52) - He probably just just turned 19. Yeah. He turned 19th August second. And then we went. So he turned 19. He was baked and cooked. He was confident. He was happy. And again so grateful. But hard and good. Teen daughter is now the only child in half empty nest. Woosh. She wouldn't say that's hard and good. She would just say it's fucking hard being an only child lol. Honestly, every single time that teen son comes home from college, which is not that often, she says, oh, I'm so thankful he's coming home and I'm coming out of only child retirement. You guys can't, like, bug me and only me all the time. Then we move to October 7th. Hamas attacks Israel, uh, takes hostages, kills, rapes, the whole thing. Oh my God, all of us crushed, mortified, terrified. The world has gone crazy. This is all been hard and good, I guess, as we try to find in everything. As a Jew, I really try to think about what the good was in all the stuff that's going on in the world with Israel and Hamas and the hostages, and the one thing I can think of, if you're a listener and a follower here, is that, you know, it's really brought the Jews more together, more together, not that we're not already together, but it brought us together in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Sarah Milken (00:17:22) - There are so many of us speaking up on behalf of the Jews as Jews or as non-Jews. Like I said before, having a Jewish kid first year of college during all of this, definitely, really, really hard. Um, and even if you don't have a kid who's been in college for the first year during the world crisis this year, I know you can relate to it because you can relate to a lot of things that happen in our lives that don't necessarily mean that they've happened to you, but you're like, fuck, that must have been really hard. Or how did you do that? Because I got so many messages from you guys checking on me, which was so sweet and so thoughtful. I can hear all of you now, all of your amazing messages checking in on me, the lack of, like I said, text from Teen Son in college. It's definitely a thing. I mean, I'm not saying he was a huge texter in high school, but like, now it's like, hello, are you there? But again, I'm so happy for him.

Sarah Milken (00:18:24) - It's fucking hard and good. Are you thinking of some of your own heart and goods? I mean, honestly, I wish I could, like pause this and go, okay, so if you haven't thought of your heart in goods, let's make that list now. But I do want you to think about either now or when you finish listening, because you probably did your 10,000 steps already. Just kidding. I definitely have not. I'm still in my outfit from the funeral service celebration of life, and I'm wearing tights and I'm fucking sweating down my legs because I dressed for the winter and it was hotter than I thought. So definitely have to re shower the midlife, you know, rinse off the core area, rinse from the lower half down. I am just saying, a lot of these hardened goods have been particularly emotional as a midlife woman because, you know, we are more emotional with our hormones all over the place. Second puberty, as they call it. I think what's interesting also about this idea of hard and good is recognizing that things in life can be so paradoxical, like a duality, like.

Sarah Milken (00:19:33) - They can be hard and good. Hard and good. Those are like kind of I mean, they're opposite things. I want you to think about that, because I sort of felt like that was really helpful to me in thinking about things that have happened this year that were hard and good, that were like, wow, that's amazing. But it still feels really hard. Or I'm so happy for teens on that. He's in college. But at the same time, I also feel so. Irrelevant and invisible. It's like, how can you feel grateful yet a little irrelevant and dissatisfied all at the same time? Again, not Debbie Downer just being fucking real. Yes. I'm so proud of the things that I've done and the things that I am planning to do. And you know what? To be honest, there's a ton of things that I thought I was going to do that I haven't gotten to, and I'm actually giving myself grace with that. The last month have been really hard, has been really like, hard for me.

Sarah Milken (00:20:36) - Just like I said, Teen Son, gone the world upside Down the new Year. I didn't talk about this on Instagram, but my dad went back into the hospital. He had like a gallbladder taken out five years ago. And, um, he had emergency surgery right after Thanksgiving, so that was really hard. He's okay now, but that was a brutal week. Um, so it's just kind of like we all have these narratives going on in our lives, you know, so many different strands of this. It's like aging parents, kids getting older, figuring out empty nest, figuring out like how to re interact with your spouse. Some people are getting divorced, and we all have these midlife narratives going on in multiple narratives behind our curtains. And yes, some of us share and overshare on Instagram and some of us don't. But however you do it and however it feels good for you is what you should be doing. I know that for me, I have felt a very strong sense of renewed meaning in midlife for myself and figuring out what's next for me.

Sarah Milken (00:21:46) - But then there have been lots of days that were over this past year where I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? Should I still be doing this podcast? Should I be doing something else? Why do I feel stressed out? And then I have to stop and think like, Sarah, this year is crazy. All the things that you've been through personally and just in terms of the world, like you have to give yourself some credit and I hope you guys at home who are listening or walking or shopping or walking your dogs or doing whatever you're doing, I hope you give yourself grace, because there's so much shit that we haven't done. And you look at social media and you're like, I haven't done this, I haven't done that, this person's done this, this person's done that. And it feels really hard. I think another thing that's really annoying to me and really hard in midlife, is when you go to a dinner party or you go to an event or you go anywhere and someone's like, oh, what do you do? And you're like, well, what do you want me to say? Like, for someone like me who's been a stay at home mom for 10,000 years, that sometimes feels like the worst question fucking ever.

Sarah Milken (00:22:53) - It's like, what am I supposed to say? I've been a stay at home mom for 16 years, and now my son went to college. And then I started a podcast. BA ba ba. It's like sometimes you're like, wait, why do I have to explain myself? Like, why do I have to feel embarrassed of like, hey, I'm just like, figuring out my life day to day. Like some days are fucking awesome days. And some days I'm like, what the fuck is happening? You just want to feel like your best self. You don't want to feel, um, disappointed in yourself or things that you haven't tried or haven't done. But there's so much runway in the second half of life that you really have to give yourself grace. So yes, the past month I've been much quieter on Instagram. I have been more in a contemplative thought process of just kind of processing the whole last year of like, what has happened, what's changed in my life? Like, you have certain levels of being proud, certain levels of feeling grief, and all of those feelings are okay.

Sarah Milken (00:24:00) - And I think that's what I want midlife women to know. If you've gotten into minute 24 of this mini mode of hard and good is that midlife is fucking hard, and midlife is fucking good, and there are going to be days, weeks, months that just feel kick ass, and then there's going to be days you're like, what the fuck? What's wrong with me? Do I need an antidepressant? Do I need like a hormone check? Do I need a brownie? Do I need a walk around the fucking block? I don't know, and maybe every day is going to be different and that's okay. And that's what I want to say to everyone. I want to wrap up my little heart and good mini sewed. I want everyone to think about what your heart and goods have been this year, because we all have them. A lot of them are similar or a lot of them are different. I am sending love to all of those who are in the heart and good stage of midlife. This is where the juice happens.

Sarah Milken (00:24:57) - This is where the transformation happens. This is where the growth. Happens. Life is meaningful because it's hard and good. I hope you have enjoyed this quick and dirty mid-life mini toad on Hard and Good. If you like the episode, send it to a friend if you like the episode. If you'd like my podcast, give me a fucking review. I know reviews are so annoying. Who has an extra minute to go into Apple Podcasts and write a review? I know I don't like the extra step either, but you guys, it's so helpful for the podcast to grow and I so appreciate and adore all of you. Listen to the podcast, share it with some friends, follow the Instagram account at the Flexible Neurotic. Love you. Happy new year! Hard and good. Do you? No judgment. Every day is a new start. And just because you didn't do it yesterday doesn't mean you can't do it tomorrow. The next day or a month after. Mid-life is hard and good. Do it the way you need it to be done.

Sarah Milken (00:26:00) - No one is judging you except for yourself. Love you.