Transcript for Episode 07
00:05
Hi, good peeps. Welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. You know that friend that you can call to ask anything? That's me. Dr. Sarah Milken. I'm known to my friends as the flexible, neurotic. What is flexible, neurotic even mean? Let me be neurotic by take out my golden shovel to dig deep for all the golden nuggets in the hottest topics from parenting, to education to neuroscience, and maybe even some beauty secrets. So we can all start living more flexibly. Come join us for edgy conversations with rad moms. Innovative thought leaders and well being practitioners helping you find that sweet spot between chaotic and gel. If you're craving that sweet spot, grab your golden shovel with me. You will walk away with nuggets you can start using today.
01:01
Hi good peeps. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic. I want to introduce you guys to a very special person named Ryan hadden. Ryan hadden is a certified life and spiritual coach hypnotherapist and certified meditation teacher. With over 16 years of experience with clients around the world. A sought after public speaker for corporate retreats and wellness events. Ryan does private workshops such as stepping into your purpose, the work life balance and finding your center. Ryan was a keynote speaker for the visionary women's 2020 virtual event that I was part of and a featured speaker at CIA's 2020 Global wellness event. She's also the in house life coach at Courtney Kardashians website poosh where she writes mind body spirit articles, you can find one of her articles on my website at the flexible neurotic calm. While living in Hollywood, Ryan realized she wasn't living the life she wanted and was searching for happiness in all the wrong places. On her path of healing. She sought out mentors, healers, spiritualists, and a tribe of people to grow and learn alongside. This journey eventually led Ryan to work with other women, helping them heal from toxic relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, codependence low self esteem and so many other issues. In so doing, she discovered a passion for helping others, which solidified her commitment to growing and changing. She is a mother of four and lives with her husband and children in Pennsylvania. Hi, Ryan.
02:48
You have to tell me what you're drinking. Yes. Oh my goodness. This is called the Golden mind. Which you wouldn't want to drink that it's tha omega threes. MCT. Oil tumeric. Ginger, maka prebiotics. You're hitting all the magic this early in the morning. Mm hmm. How do you get that in western Pennsylvania? I don't know. Where do you think I live? Why
03:14
did you order from Amazon? I know. It seems like another planet from LA because I came from LA. It does. The whole world is based on La and New York according to the news, right? That's right. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I want to tell the audience how I met you. I was walking with a very good friend of mine and mentor, friend Tor. Her name is Angela Nazarian. And she was actually the podcast guest on my first episode. And I was on a walk with her. This was pre COVID. And we were talking about the second half of our lives. And she's about five or six years ahead of me. And I was just picking her brain. How did you get to the next step? How did you move from having kids and being a full time mom, while she did teach one class as a professor to sort of figuring out who she is now. And in that episode, we went through all the specific steps she had recommended to me, and one of hers was you have to call a life coach. And one of the ones I know is Ryan had it. And I thought life coach like pet just sounds so foreign to me. And is that like a therapist, she's like, she said, No, it's not a therapist. It's just someone who is going to listen to your story and help you figure out what you're good at what your strengths are, and what your next steps are. And so I made this call to Ryan, we had an immediate connection. We scheduled the time to talk in a couple weeks and then COVID happened. So it was sort of like perfect timing like a completely magical thing where I thought oh my god now I have all this time and COVID where I'm trapped in my house.
05:00
And I get to talk to Ryan. And so that's how we met. The interesting part about this whole thing, I guess I call it my internal shit shovel is that all of this stuff has been on my mind, obviously since before COVID. And in the first couple episodes, I talked about how because my mom was a full time career person, I always thought that that's what I would be to. And then I had my first son J. and poof, my want to leave the house kind of just disappeared, and I had this magnetic attachment to him. That just said, Sarah, you have to stay home. And it went against every single thing that I had grown up thinking for myself, I was in a situation where I could afford to live on the one income, whereas I know some people had and my conditions were such that I was able to have a babysitter come in here and there during the week. So I felt like I had the psychological freedom of leaving the house and not feeling like I had to be in the house every single minute. So my job with Ryan has been How the fuck to I move to my next stage of my life, and leave this super mom mentality and move into this. Let's dig into Sara. So my intentions for this episode as they are for all the episodes of the flexible neurotic is for us to dig deep with Ryan in an edgy conversation about how can we find our sweet spots between neurotic and chill. And here we go. So Ryan is going to take out her golden shovel with us and tell us how she found her center and her sweet spot between her internal and external selves balance in her family and community. And as she'll tell you she has an incredibly textured and rich story because she has led to very different lives. Her first life. She's like a cat. Her first life was one that was related to her younger years in Hollywood with her first marriage and her first two children and the other life that she's in now. She is built after she hit rock bottom in Los Angeles and has found her sweet spot between chaotic and chill. What do you think, Ryan? I think I might say something. What do you got? I can tell sounds mighty fine. I think I have arrived. Yeah, and that you're going to help us find it. So in this episode, we have four intentions. The first one is to hear Ryan's journey of finding her soul's purpose, and how it relates to her strengths and passions. Number two, it's facing the second half of life with strength, beauty and inspiration. Number three, how raising kids the second time around has been different the ryan should have would have could does. And number four Ryan's golden nuggets for how we can try to recreate ourselves in the second half of life. So you're on Ryan, we take us through your version of life before you found your personal Center and the second half of your life when you found your sweet spot. Oh, that's a lot. How much time do we have at least an hour?
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Well, I want to say first that I love that we found each other in the COVID container of change, because that's what happened. Truly it was. So many of my clients are coming through this period of time, or they're renegotiating everything. So you were right on track with this idea, I got so lucky. Oh, I mean, everyone finds who they're supposed to work with. And that's such a blessing that these people show up. And I've had my own versions of mentors and healers and spiritualists, and just people who are a little few journeys ahead that I could look to. So I'm always grateful that they show up at the right time. So and I'm glad we paired up and this idea of getting ahead of the empty nest, because that's like the dreaded empty nest. So you're in that pocket of time before then when I've like I've given everything and now Who am I? Right? And so that's actually a question always worth worthy of asking, Who am I at in relation to my life? Do I still feel that sense of purpose around my parenting? Do I feel in my relationships? How am I in relation to the world I live in? Every time we have the courage to take that inventory, if you will, and take a look at what are my old beliefs? Am I still just like doing what I think I should be doing? Or is this actually calling to me right now? Is it time to renegotiate a new version of me and that takes a lot of courage. Sarah, not everyone wants to do it. And I think that's what I love about coaching and why I chose to go into this particular field and I know coaching has got a certain stigma to it. But what's so great about it is it's really not so much about going into the past. It's really about where you are right now, not so much how you got here, and where do you want to go? And so we kind of create that together. So Angela was pretty on track with those are the strengths of a coach and there's certainly many many strengths of going into the past and renegotiating
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trauma and old age old patterning and things like that there. And we actually did come up with when we work together some old ideas that you had that weren't serving you, for sure. And I can't wait to talk about that when we get to the hypnosis section, because that was really sort of undoing a lot of old tapes that I have playing in my head. Now, in terms of beginning this self recreation journey, we keep hearing, finding your center is center the right word. And what does that mean? Well, I think we're always leaning out of Center, the whole world has us on a program of, you'll find your happiness here, once you get married, once you pair up, once you have children, once you have this in your bank account, once you're fulfilled, once you have this set of friends and the social stress, so we're constantly that's like, when you're out of center thinking those things are going to deliver you that feeling of peace, fulfillment, and calm. And so it's letting go of those full errands, because those things can satisfy and they're fun, and it helps you build a big life. But when we're leaning into that for our center, and I'll unpack what I think the center is that those things are all tenuous, they all actually can fall apart at any given time. And you know, a lot of people in COVID, realizing that now, because of this pandemic, all the things that they had counted on and move their lives towards, or they're having to relook at that. What does that mean? And I don't feel like the community I live in is safe, I don't feel like I can depend on my government or I can all these different things that we're never really strongly in place to begin with. So how do we find that place where we can count on for security for a sense of safety, for a sense of continuity, and that's within your own self. So that's what I call the center. And most of us are running from it, or hurdling away from it, because of lots of different things that have come up in our past because of the conditioning of our society. Because if we truly knew our power to create and manifest, that would put a lot of people out of business, you know, if we really understood that it's about curating and cultivating our sense of contentment with what we have. It's not about getting more it's not about acquiring, it's not about attaining, it's okay to set those goals and move towards them. But knowing that on your way towards them, you're still in a sense of connection to you, because that's what will deliver you peace. Would you describe a center sort of as your anchor to the world and to yourself, I'd say anchor to yourself so that you can participate in the world and not have it blow you this way. And that, where you're, this doesn't work out. And now I'm crashed against the rocks. And the person I love doesn't love me anymore. And I'm crashing, it's like, we have to go through all those feelings. Yeah, so without your center, you're sort of floating with no paddles. That's right, and you're allowing everything else to dictate the quality of your life. And those are just, you know, not ever things that can be counted on for that, necessarily. They enhance things, they're glorious, they're fun, they're, it's more love, more enjoyment, all those things are fantastic. But if that connection to you isn't in place, you will destroy all of those things. Because you're constantly seeking something else somewhere else, or you're constantly trying to add to it. It's never enough. It's never enough. It's like you get the job you want, you get the house you want. And then you're automatically looking for the next thing. And I think what's interesting is, you know, in our lives, we meet people who move or they change colleges or whatever, because they're trying to find an answer to that lack of center or lack of knowing who they are. But wherever you go, you are, as the quote says, so we sort of have to fix our shit inside, before we can look to anything else to fix it. And I think that that's what's incredible about working with someone like you is that you actually break down the tools to help your clients figure out what that center looks like and feels like so that they can feel aligned and even recognize what it feels like to have a center and to be centered as a mom. And obviously, you're a mom, too. Do you think that perhaps for a certain period of time, like me, for example, my kids could have been my center, or they were my center for all of this time. And now that they sort of are more independent, and they're 16 and almost 14, that now I'm sort of trying to figure out what my center looks like without my kids being at the center of it. Yeah, I think that's always interesting when our identity is tied up in our mothering, that is elusive, right, because you won't be needed after not after a period of time it shifts and changes your center of their lives. You know what I mean of how they look to you. I mean, we are their higher power for a period of time. Until then they they become disenchanted. They realize Oh heck, you're just a human
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You're making mistakes and like they have to exert their independence. And that can feel like if you have put them at the center and your identity and really had that as something you leaned into, instead of knowing that you are holding complete without that extension of them, then it's going to be a hard fall for you. Because you're going to feel so fish of rejection. My kids, yeah. Even when my kids went to sleepaway camp for seven weeks, a couple summers, and it was just my husband and myself and the dogs, I was like, shit, is this what it's gonna feel like with emptiness? There aren't voices, there aren't things to keep you busy. And then it sort of you're left with yourself, like, what do I do in this world? Who am I without my children as my center? And I think, for me, I'm an erotica, as we know. And so for me, I always knew I would have two kids. I was like, okay, husband, wife, two parents, two kids, like that's an even number. That makes sense to me. But there was always that minute of being tempted to have a third kid not because I wanted to have a third kid, but because I thought, well, if I have a third kid, then I don't have to think about what's next. For me, it would be like, for me, it was a time filler. And when I really thought about it, I realized that if I had another kid, it would just buy me more time, but then I would be left in the same place 10 years later. Absolutely. Many people do that. Yeah, it does take up a lot of time, it does give you that instant feeling of being needed and wanted and purpose. And obviously, if you've done that, there's no mistakes. you're you're you're, it's all good. You know, yeah, it's all good. There's no judgment. And sometimes I'm like, maybe I should have had a third kid. But I just knew for me, I grew up in a house of two, I knew two. And I just knew for me, because I had this idea that I was going to be a career person, that having the third kid was just gonna hold me over for another few years. And then I'd be back to where I started. So that's right. And that's great. And so you instead of doing that, you realize I need to figure out different kinds of tethers for myself to feel like you use that word anchoring to feel anchored in my life, regardless of who I am as a mother, right? These are just roles we play. They're not who we are. Yeah, that's what's really hard about this sort of second stage of life is, as your kids become more independent, you're like, Wait, who am I wait, they don't really need me. And I told you before we started recording, my son Jake just got his driver's license yesterday. So I'm like, Oh, my God, I'm really unnecessary at this point. Yeah, you've lost your driver status. Yeah, exactly. I'm like God, I was needed to take him to volleyball and to, you know, go to staples, device, school supplies, and whatever. But now, it's like, now that's gone to. It's definitely an interesting time. Going back to something you said a few minutes ago, I think the COVID thing has been really hard and really good in certain ways, in the sense that it's forced us to all look inside, because we're basically in our homes with our immediate family, you know, as mothers. And what's interesting about it, is that some of my friends have said, Oh, well, COVID did this, and COVID did that. And I've really thought about this. And I know we've talked about it before, too, is that COVID didn't create a lot of these things. A lot of these issues are self limiting beliefs we had before COVID happen. But then when our buisiness turned off for a moment with quarantine, like a spotlight came out from the sky and just shined a really strong light on us saying, Hey, you guys, you have all of these issues inside of you. Take the time stop. Think about it, look at it. And that's really hard. But I don't think COVID caused them. I think it forced us to stop running around. And then with the extra time we had to get our shit together. Yeah, I think that's true. And I think some people have stopped, and some people have numbed out, you know, and some people have done other things. And some people are realizing that they can't stay in the same relationship any longer, not one second longer that they've been tolerating, or they can't stay in the jobs. I think it's it's really activated anything that was latent. It has, like you said, put the spotlight but just made it so that you'd have to really pull it all out into the light and take a look at it. How's this working for me now? You know, how does it work under duress? How am I going to show up in the world? And the question that I always ask is, who am I in relation to this? Like, just like you're asking about your parenting? Who am I in relation to being a mother now and to my child, you know, who am I in relation to the world? Is this enough? Do I feel fulfilled, and that might be true at another time, it changes over time. And I think that's, that's appropriate. I think a lot of people are sifting through and I think you're right. It's really a powerful time to do that.
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and powerful can mean more than two things. It can be the silver lining, like things that are amazing about it. And introspective, it can also be really difficult. Because when you start looking inside, it's like, wow, you start digging with your ship shovel. And you're like, there's so many layers here that I have to uncover. So I think one of the amazing things about having the opportunity to work with a life coach, or at least be able to access life coach information on somebody's website, or all of the amazing books that are out right now is having the tools to help us find our center. So I think it would be great if we could kind of go through a few of your tools in your toolbox. I know, the ones that stand out in my mind that I want to talk to you about is number one, how you figure out what your triggers are. And that sort of feeling when you get that like contraction in your stomach and you're like, oh, and then also finding a meditation practice. Because I know that is really key and you're finding your center toolbox. So can you take us through the sort of trigger routine, and then we'll go into meditation? Sure, I think so much of what we do in our life is unconscious, so much of how we you know, we have like 30 to 60,000 unconscious thoughts a day, most of which are negative, and habitual. So just having that awareness of that, I'm having a thought, and a thought creates a feeling. And then a feeling creates the perception, and then it creates a personality. So first, start there, notice the thoughts, and you obviously can't catch every single one. But notice that where that thinking is so in a trigger sense, you know, triggers are this great idea or triggers point to where you're not free, you know, points to where there's still work to do there's healing to be done. Can you give us an example or a couple examples of what a trigger might be? It might be that your husband says, You don't pull your weight in the home. And right away, obviously, that's annoying when someone's not you're living with someone and they're not feeling like you're doing your part, right. So that can be triggering, but ultimately, it's just his opinion. And so if you feel right with, you're like gay, that's not true, that just not even real for me, I'm doing everything I can do. And you're okay with that. But if it really it's nying on you and eating at you, and you're like I just are and you're sitting in your ceiling, well, then you're carrying that around, that's a trigger. So figure out, what is this about? Where do you feel invalidated? Where have you felt invalidated? How are you continually not able to stand in your truth and speak up? You know, and talk to him about that? Listen, it's just noticing that it's not about him saying that it's about your reaction to it, and what is behind it. So I think that's where you can start to unravel what is taking place between you and another person. So if they are continually doing something that's irritating, you just know, it's not about them. It's about you. And that's powerful, because so many times we're like, I need to get them to understand. And that's just insane. We can't make anyone do anything or see us in a certain way. It's just like an exercise in futility. So again, just taking the focus off of them, bringing it back to me, and bring that curiosity Why am I triggered right now? Why is this so upsetting to me, and maybe a tool would be to go write about it, write it down something about writing, so it gets out of the head, put it on paper? Take a look at it, and maybe look at when this has come up in another time? When has this popped up? How is what is this a thing? Why do I keep recreating the same situations with people or the same trigger keeps popping up again, and again, that's just a really great hack to be able to figure out why your triggers are there and why they are just still pointing to those places where they're shadow where there's evolution to be had, and staying with your own experience. Right? turning down the volume of reactivity, as a parent to you're annoyed so much of the time when someone doesn't do what you ask them to do or you're on your fifth ask of the same thing. And you immediately want to go mental? Yeah. And you're like, why does this disrespect bother me so much? What is it about? Do I feel like they're not going to turn out like, these are all the conversations that go in my head, they're not going to be respectful in life, I'm doing a bad job parenting like, this is a whole narrative that goes on under the surface, like pick up your towel.
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I think catching the story, the net that you've attached to the fact that they're teen and they don't want to pick up their shit. So I think it's just keeping that personal narrative out and noticing how that's going under the surface is helpful. So then that's where the self talk comes in, like, hey, it's okay. Instead of going letting your mind go off on this whole tangent like I'm doing a terrible job. I'm a terrible parent. They're not going to be able to function in society, like whatever that how it just escalates. So I think catching it in the beginning and knowing that Oh, wow, there's a towel on the floor. That's really going to upset me because I said it five times. So let me self soothe
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my walk away. It's not about the friggin towel. I think those are the price where I'm not going to give up my serenity to myself.
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Like they don't get that power to do that. It's easier said than done. It is so much easier said than done. Because you also don't want to be a pushover either. Like, oh, yeah, fuck the towel, whatever. It's just sort of noticing the trigger walking away from it and then circling back to it. I mean, if it's appropriate, yes, yeah. And when you're not an emotion, mind, you know, where you're just in that neutral space, because it doesn't serve anyone The next thing, you know, you're yelling, and you're like, wow, you know, you've lost your center, you've lost that place that you're just you're not in a teaching place at that point, as a parent, to be able to do that. It's the same when you're in an argument with your with your beloved, you know what I mean? Like, you're just like, when I want you, when I need you to see my point of view, I've lost the plot. I've lost my center, unlike leaning out instead of leaning back into me and be like, Hey, you know what, I'll be right back. And maybe you don't exit as politely as that. You slam the door and walk out.
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Your boy.
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I think that's, that's it, it's really putting your relationship to you first. And that's the number one thing about a center, like, what do I need? How is this gonna play out for me, and I'm unwilling to walk this out in this habitual way, this dynamic that I have with you over and over again, because it doesn't serve me. I don't feel good. And it's about my relationship to me. I don't like myself, when I keep doing that. Right. That's how we build self esteem is trying doing something different, and not doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I mean, that's the definition of insanity. Totally. And being a parent, I think you're tested on it all day long. And sideways. Yes, it's the master class. Oh, my gosh, that's a really good name for it. Because it really is the master class. It pushes every single button known to man and like you said, it's like, when my son was in middle school, I'd be like, you didn't make eye contact with my friend when she walked in the house? And he's looking at me like, okay, yeah, like, what teenager boy is gonna make eye contact with every single person they meet, you know, but my mind, like you said, is like, Oh, my God, people are gonna perceive him as disrespectful. And they're gonna think that like, he's not a good kid, and then his teacher will be mad, and then he's not gonna go to the best college and you create this whole long narrative, that it doesn't serve anyone. But it's catching it. That's it, it doesn't serve anyone. And it certainly doesn't serve you and your relationship to him what you want to safeguard, right? I mean, you have a sacred contract together. And so as much as you can, you have to deal with all the, you know, if your ride that line, like you said, of like holding them to task, but making sure you're in check when you do it, so that you like who you are when you're showing up. And that way, you know, I mean, there's so many great people talk about conscious parenting, like shefali sabari. There's just incredible people. Yeah, this is stuff that everyone is trying to not just get through parenting, but have it be something that can polish you into being a better version of who you were before you entered into parenting. Yeah, that's an interesting way of looking at it. Because I remember being so annoyed when he didn't make eye contact with someone. And then the other day, someone came to my house, and she said, You know, I was really impressed with your son. Like, when he met me at the door, he made eye contact with me, he asked me a couple questions about myself. And she said, I normally don't meet kids, you know, who are that age? Who will do that? And I thought clock should have met him two years ago. No, I mean, but the point in telling that story is that I actually went back to him later that day, and I said, Jake, that person who came over today, she said, X, Y, and Z, and I just want to tell you, like how proud that made me feel that somebody that used to bug me, like actually got turned around? And how does that make you feel? And he sort of put a smile on his face, like, Okay, I got a gold star, you know, but I think kids also need the positive feedback, too, because we're so reactive in so many negative ways that to get sort of a random compliment out of nowhere is really, I'm sure for them kind of self satisfying to be recognized. It's so true. You do it for a girlfriend totally. Like why what happens with kids or you just feel like it's just about curbing these behaviors all the time, when really, it's also about, you know, you extinguish the negative by not paying attention to it, and really just keep validating all the positive. I really like how you know, because I have a toddler who's dysregulated. And it's like, I really like how you picked up that pencil, you know, and, you know, instead of like, stop throwing the pencils, I love that you brushed your teeth on the second as Yes, great. It's the small wins, right? Definitely the small wins. That's right, that builds they're wanting to show up in a positive way. So they're getting positive attention instead of the negative which is attention also. Right. It's also recognizing it as a parent that certain things are just developmentally appropriate like most teenage boys and Middle School, don't want to stay
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And talk to their mom's stranger friends and acquaintances. So obviously, most of that is normal. But then sometimes as a parent, we're like, fuck really, you couldn't like get your shit together just to say hello and look like I parent Did you? Well, just for that one minute, because it's about me. It's all about me. It's all about my narrative. It's about how I look. Yeah. It's all about my narrative. Now in terms of reactivity and keeping our center I know that meditation is like your jam, and I struggled with that I still struggle with it. I have to be honest, I did not meditate this morning. Although I should have in preparation for this discussion today. But I was busy like fixing the printer putting signs up in the kitchen. Like, please don't order Postmates Don't let the dog bar don't run the blender like being my neurotic self, but at least they gave him notice. But can you tell us how we can fold in meditation as a daily practice? Sort of like flossing? I mean, meditation most people will say it's a pain in the ass. It's boring. It's so hard. How do I not think about thoughts when I'm telling myself to not think about them? And I remember saying to like, Can I just think of meditation like flossing? like nobody wants to floss, but we do it because it's good for us. And the dentist tells us it's good for us. How can we turn meditation into flossing? Oh my god. Buddha is just like a what?
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Yeah, you know what, it might start out that way. And here's the thing, just start. The ego doesn't want you to meditate. So that should make you a little mad. The ego wants to run point ego wants you to look good. So it's like no motherfucker said we're sitting down you know? Like I don't want my because my ego is going to say we got laundry to do we got important things to say we've got places to be you know, people to entertain like so it's got a whole list of reasons why you shouldn't do it because it actually doesn't want you to drop past the mind. But why? Because then you know your true self you know that sovereign being that you are because you're a soul you're not the ego the ego is a tool. You know, the ego is just a tool that like the mind, like the body. It's like a mind Fokker. Yeah.
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So that always that's always helped me to like just sit, just set your timer for a couple minutes, like you said, set yourself up for success. Then after a while it just like flossing, you start to love that clean feeling between your teeth and you feel like it's like not changing your underpants when you don't floss, you know what I mean? It's like roads. Yeah, you start to feel it's like that spiritual hygiene in that same way where it's like, I need to remember that I am not the ego, I am not the mind, I'm not the body, I am a soul having a human experience. So I'm going to touch into that. Let me start with three minutes. Let me just drop past the 30,000 to 60,000 thoughts, which are exhausting. And that aren't actually me, I am not the thoughts I am the person thinking the thoughts. I'm the being thinking them. But I'm not those thoughts. I'm not identifying them. So that's what we kind of recognize when we start to meditate that you're breathing or coming back to the ground. Depending on what kind of meditation you do. But it's super simple one is just come back to the breath, very intentional, deep breathing, notice thoughts as it comes up on the screen and come back to the breath. Just notice them, don't be upset about them. Because the brain just off gassing. That's what it does. That's its job, just booming. It's perpetually thinking things. And so what we want to touch into is that part of you that does not think the part of you that knows the part of you that is being. And so when you start to get glimpses of that in your practice, again, meditation practice of just that consistency every day, no matter what it doesn't have to be the morning people think if I if I didn't do it in the morning, I blown it for the day doesn't matter, do it while your kids playing Legos on the floor, close your eyes, just focus, do that intentional breath, drop into that silence some days, it'll you'll get that sensitive, you won't. And that's okay to stop the judgement of it. There's no like master meditator, you get better at it. And you start to recognize the thoughts. Some days are more dancing around than others. And that's just part of the ebb and flow of it. You move into acceptance around it. That stillness that you curate starts to be what calls you to it rather than this feeling of duty. And like one more thing I got to get done, and sometimes it does. It's like you said, changing your underwear flat, the cleanness you feel when you floss your teeth, you don't think about it, you just do it. Right? You just do it and let go of all those excuses of why you can't or you're a busier mind than someone else. You're not you're a spirit having a human experience. And you need to remember that in order to have a life of quality that's not reactive. That's not dependent on all external factors. And when you practice meditation, you start to drill down into that knowing and what's fascinating about it is if you actually look at the research, and you look at brain mapping, they show a meditating brain
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versus a non meditating brain and they're markedly different, right? And so it's sort of the scientific research is taking some of the woowoo out of it and saying, look, you guys, you're actually changing what your brain looks like with meditation. And it's very powerful. What would your thoughts be on varying meditation? Because I know some people say, including me, like, oh, it just seems so boring to like, always do the same thing over and over again, do you get the same benefits if one day it's to music and one day, it's not and absolutely, that's on you. It's your job to keep your meditation exciting. And something you look forward to, I have a lot of rituals that go along with my meditation. So I find like on days where I'm dragging my feet, I have all these other things that I do around I have like, all my woowoo stuff of you know, bowls and your crystals, you buy crystals, my oils, tuning forks, I have Java malls, I have all these rituals that go along with it, I like this, I have this beautiful incense that came from Saudi Arabia called Ooh, these wood burning pieces that I just love the scent of. So it's like, if you love a candle, if you'll find all the things that make it joyful, you know, we love rituals, we love we're creatures of that, we used to have much more of that than we do today, in our times. And so that can just draw you to the practice itself of creating these props, if you will, but you don't need them. But it's fun. And I find that sometimes I just my body is smart, I'll just get into start doing it like this, I'll do that I'll start banging the bowls, I'll do my different things. And all of a sudden, then I'm in the zone. And then I just sit down in my body and mind, notice what we're doing. These things are ways to remind me, okay, we're gonna get quiet. Now, this is what's on the menu. It's your ritual. It's like making coffee in the morning or tea or drinking warm water with lemon. That's what I think is interesting about meditation is this notion of trying to fold it into your every day and make it like flossing. I've been trying to do that for sure. I mean, we could just say fucking do it and drink the Kool Aid, which is sort of what we're saying with flossing and meditation. Now, if we take meditation, and kind of maybe take it one step further, or maybe it's a variation of it, you can explain that. But I know that one of your favorite modalities is hypnosis, but not like the hypnosis you see on TV where someone you know, is convinced to do something really bizarre. But can you tell us why you love hypnosis and why it's important for us? Well, we have a subconscious mind that runs 95% of our life. And that's pretty staggering. So you can have the conscious mind makes decisions. And this is what I'm doing today. And then the subconscious will override that. So give me an example. I don't know, I'm going to not bite my nails. Okay, let's say that today, I'm not going to bite my nails or pick an addiction. Okay, like that. I mean, it's that's a very minor one. But no, but it's basic, it's good. But it does affect people with self have self esteem issues around it, like why can I stop because what's happened is at some point along their journey, at a time when they were nervous or afraid, or there was a feeling that was hard to integrate, they might have put their finger in their mouth and bit and had that click, and that feeling that click, and then they felt a feeling of relief, like Oh, oh, okay, and they just keep going satisfying. That was satisfying. Exactly. And so the subconscious makes a note of that, oh, that felt good that had that worked. And so the subconscious is job is to keep you safe, right. So it records every emotion you've ever had, any experience you've ever had. And so it's keeping track of all of those things. And then next time, a big feeling comes in next thing, you know, compulsively the finger goes in your mouth. So the subconscious mind saying don't do that again. But the subconscious, like we have to do this, this works. So you can see how it kind of feels like a sabotage. It doesn't intend to do that. But it does actually sabotage your best intention. So that's, you can see that on a small scale. So what we have to do is rewire that through Hypnosis is a way to do that. And also through just through consciously knowing it's a subconscious thing. It's not about willpower, it's about really just renegotiating you know, use that word again, your relationship to biting your nail. So then next time you feel that stress and that anxiety, you're going to have a different tool in place, you're going to say, I'm going to want to do this and I'm going to do this instead. And maybe you drink a glass of water conscious is not going to feel as good in the beginning. But you try to find that thing or it's something else you've already take a walk or you do your breath work or you do your meditation or you do something else that can create that connection between safety and that big feeling that's coming down the pipeline in for that example. Yeah, I know for me personally, we did hypnosis as it relates to the second half of my life with this whole podcast is sort of about and you created a 20 minute meditation that sort of used all of my buzzwords from the things that we talked about on various occasion and you will
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them into a very beautiful meditation that I could listen to twice a week sort of trying to undo this performance driven tape that I have in my head that everything I do, I have to do super well. And it's about perfection, not about growth. And I think that especially in this journey that includes you feel like you're being judged, you know, when you start something new. And I think for me, being the private person that I am, and wanting to do this podcast, which is super public, and then have to have a website and an Instagram to go with it. It was like, boom, all my vulnerabilities and my self limiting beliefs were out there, and you created this hypnosis tape that was like, hey, Sarah, you're going to start small. It's your turn, you've nurtured your children, you've nurtured your husband. And now it's going to be your turn to figure out what your next step is. And I found it extremely helpful. And I'm wondering how someone at home can tap into this hypnosis tool if they don't necessarily have you. Thanks for bringing that that up. Because it's important to note, why is it effective is that when you're guided into hypnosis, you're going into this brainwave activity, that's a beta state. And that's when the subconscious is most receptive. So you can learn self hypnosis and drop yourself into that state. And I think on my website, I might have a sheet on that so empty, so then you can drop yourself into that state, you might not get as deep as you might with hypnotherapist, but there's other ways you can do it. So you'll get into the state of state where the subconscious is most impressionable, most of us are in this beta state. And then we dip into alpha and we definitely go into theta, but we have to intentionally get into that state to renegotiate the subconscious mind and upload those new ideas like we did with you. And the subconscious wants to keep you in your comfort zone, right? Because its job is to keep you safe. So it says don't do this, you can't do this, this doesn't work, stay where you are, don't take a chance don't take a leap of faith. And so that's what we sort of negotiated in our work that it's absolutely okay for you to put yourself out there. Right. It's okay to let go of all these limiting beliefs. And then we uploaded this idea that it's okay for you to make mistakes and all those things that somewhere, you might have not had permission to do that. And then here we are, right. I know. Here we are Episode Three of the flexible neurotic goal, you should
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know, it's been tremendous. And I hope that some of the viewers will have some way to tap into it, whether it's through a hypnosis coach or going on to your website, because I definitely think it's something that can be one of our tools in this self recreation toolbox that we have. But I want to get to you now now that we've done some of the finding your center tools by Ryan hadden, I want to learn more about Ryan Hatton. I know that you had a first marriage in Los Angeles of super glamorous Hollywood life, and two kids in that first life. And then you had a hit rock bottom moment that you pulled your ship back together. And now you live on a beautiful farm with your second husband of 12 years in two more children. So I think it's interesting as a parent and a mom to sort of talk to someone who's been there, done that, and maybe like highlight how it's different the second time around. And if you ever think about what a coda show does, and how your parenting has changed from the first half of your life to your second half of your life and your do over Yeah, you know, I'm sure I've grown as a tremendously as a woman in the last 17 years or so since that rock bottom time. So I'm sure I've adjusted things with parenting, I've adjusted I certainly have less of a identity connected to my mothering. Once you've gone through a first pass of it, you're like they just grow up, they have their own personalities, they have their own interests, and I really have never felt they were an extension of me and don't know why I've known that we've talked to them and i a lot about reincarnation, and we talk a lot about like, Oh, thanks for picking me this round. So I don't know, I just I do have that detachment. And I'm really good friends with both of them, you know my son's 21 and my daughter's 19 that's not to say they haven't had trials and tribulations and I even then you do question yourself, do they have the right ethics? Do they have the grit to get through this you know, these these stages but at the same time I'm raising these other little ones coming up behind them? So I don't know if I would say I did this different or that different I just think I am different. So it's about you and it's about you're reacting to them or your the way you're nurturing them. Yes, probably
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So would you say that the set of expectations perhaps that you had with your first children were altered or lessen to some degree are different than your second set of kids? Maybe, maybe I, you know, I don't I don't actually I don't I don't know, per se, I feel that my life externally is different. I live on a farm. We were in the heart of Hollywood at that time. And so that's a lot of people, places and things. And that does affect children to some degree. Yeah, that was gonna be my next question. You have two kids that you're raising in Hollywood, and then you have two kids that you're raising in Pennsylvania, out of the sort of center of Los Angeles craziness. And just the environmental change alone can serve as a reset for you. I think so. I think my two, my other two when we lived in I was a single mom in LA for a long time. So you know, I had a lot of other things going on. I was trying to get work going. I was like dating I had there's other elements that I don't have today. There's much more steadiness if you will, we were going out to restaurants more, we're going to movies more, there's so much less of that. Now. Now I'm on a farm, I have another person that's in a loving relationship. And so they're I'm seeing how that they're going to grow in a different way. So that's sort of a fascinating petri dish, if you will, like how does that play out? I'm more relaxed. And I and we'd love for picnics on and then we go take the goats for a walk, we go do like it's just different input. Right? I love the goat photos on Instagram. Yeah. Now, do your older children ever talk to you about how different the lives are for their two younger siblings, and it was for them? They do. I think that was a hard move for them when we moved here, because they were eight and 10, or something like that, or 10 or 12. And, you know, so that was a culture shock for them. So they've had time to know that this is we've been here a long time, not 10 years. So they, I don't know that they feel that they wish it was different. I think they're grateful that they had what they had they loved having the altar themselves. They loved that time. They say that, like I do feel like when you're a single mom is just you and your two kids. You guys are a team. We were a team. It was us against the world, it felt like that a lot of times, you know, so there's a really tight, tight bond there. I think that was probably a bigger adjustment for them to need to fold someone in and have more children with them. I think that was that's a struggle. Do you know what I mean? And so they walked through that with as much dignity as they could bring. But I think they love their siblings. Now they love that they have these two lives. And I think, you know, they have something stable, that feels good. So they remember a lot of what happened in Los Angeles and their lives in Los Angeles. Yes. And me going through that those dark times. you've alluded to that. So I'm just going to come right at it like yes, I definitely had, you know, those dark nights of the soul. And so they were two and four when I got sober. So they were very little, and so all into my recovery. And so that was another thing like now it's just part of who I am. It's what I do. But that time I was it was all new. Yeah, it was new. And I was really, I was really working very, very hard to stabilize myself and find that center within myself. And then I had these little kids. And then I was single after that. So I can imagine all of that is made up part of who they are. I mean, they used to come to me healers with me, they would come to meetings with me. It was their normal, you know, and your second two kids don't have that. I mean, they don't have that element. Right. But I think it's made them there's a different ingredients and that soup that is fascinating and amazing. That's like Brazilian soup is what it is. It is. So it's neat and see what they do with it. They're cool people. I love. I know, it's funny on my website that I just finished, I wrote about my kids, and I go, they're good peeps. And I think as a parent, that's sort of what we want. We want our kids I mean, ultimately just to be good, cool people. And I think if you can say that, then you feel like okay, I got my goldstar parenting I hope for now. Yeah, and so true. So in terms of shifting gears, I mean, you are dropped dead gorgeous woman in Hollywood, on a farm in Pennsylvania, wherever you are. And I know that obviously your whole life right now is based in spirituality and meditation and these sort of ethereal things, but being who you are and coming from Hollywood, you have to still be into maintaining your exterior. Oh my god, yes. I think you can have inner and outer beauty. I think it's, you know, I'm all about my lotions and my potions and all of that stuff. So you didn't give up any of that leaving Hollywood and going to a farm? Nope. In fact, I think it's become more important because I don't go to the facialist I'm doing it all myself. So I'm doing like all the different things I do rollers and face massages and like all of those things and then my skincare What's your favorite
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Like your bottom line if like if you could only take one thing, like a tool, yeah, what would it be? God, I don't know. I've just found this new skincare that I'm in love with because it's like worked so well and it's all natural. All of it. It's like unheard of. I don't know how they do it. They have retinol. They have like skin pigmentation, antidotes. It's like it's incredibly from Australia. It's called Emma Lewisham. Oh, wow. How do you spell that? It's m m a, l e. W. I sh. Am Emma, Lewisham. Well, that's a mouthful. So I will put that in the show notes so that everyone else can look for it. And the whole line is amazing. Oh my god, do you have two favorite products from them? I love the serum, the hyperpigmentation serum and then I love the retinal oil. So like who would have thought you could get an all natural retinoid that's, that doesn't irritate the skin that's amazingly effective. Like as soon as I started using it, I saw a change in the quality of my skin. I mean, I'm your skin is like immaculate. It's insane.
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Oh my gosh, I'm turning 50 this year, so it's good again.
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My god, no, you totally do. I'm like, I'm all over it. And I'm sure being the in house life coach for poosh you're sort of flooded with beauty treatments all day long. And all there been all the beauty tips? No, because people don't think of me that way. They think I'm like sitting and meditating. I'm like, Hey, guys know, you know, maybe they haven't seen you because you're writing a lot of the articles. But then as soon as they see you, that will definitely all change. No, that was a big compliment. I had like a conference call with Courtney. And she was like, Oh my god, what's your skincare? What are you using? I was like from the queen of skincare. This is good. Right? I'm like Courtney Kardashian is asking you what skincare you're doing. Ryan hadn't I mean, talk about a compliment. That's insane. That's funny. And it made me laugh. My husband laughed, because it's always like deliveries coming to the house of like boxes of creams and
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Well, yeah, it's sort of like Amazon's my best friend over here. That's on my website, too. It's like, you know, my husband's like, what could you possibly be ordering now? And I'm like, just don't worry about it. Just keep on moving.
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And how would you say that sort of maintaining your exterior is I know, some people would judge it and say, Well, why do we care about what our exterior looks like? All that matters is what the interior looks like. But I guess the way I see it is for me, my exterior, my interior are both important. And is that okay? Absolutely. Oh, my God. Yes. You know, I think it's all it's about. And I noticed as I've lived here, more and more, it's less and less about what other people see. And it's more about how I feel. And when I look at myself, and it's self care, it's about honoring this beautiful vessel that I have I good food, I eat clean food, I do all the things that they all go together. It's like pieces of the puzzle. And if the way I look brings pleasure to other people, then that's wonderful. That's amazing. But I don't do it, like I once did was to validate who I was. Because that's all I felt like is a tool that I traded on. Do you know what I mean? That's the difference. Those were your Hollywood days. Yes. So now it's more secondary. Yeah. And the Hollywood promotes that. Like I said before, it's inner and outer beauty and they go together, and they don't have to be exclusive. They really don't. It's fun to you know, I appreciate it. I know that's how I see it. I feel like external beauty kind of sometimes gets a bad rap and people are judgmental about it, or this person got filler or Botox or this or that. And I'm kind of like, Who the fuck cares. Everyone should do what they want to do what makes them feel good, just like you said, when COVID happened, and I was trapped at home, I still put makeup on. I'm a makeup person. And I put makeup on, put my leggings on, or my sweat pants or whatever. I can attest to that. I did see you. I was like good god, I was in sweatpants. And like
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I was in leopard leggings with mascara and full makeup. But it wasn't about anyone was seeing me it's like you said I was just seeing myself I passed by a mirror. And it's not about being perfect, but it's just for me, being put together makes me feel more centered makes me feel more like me. Now that makes sense. And also that you're honoring what you've been given, you know, and so making sure that that's not the only thing that you're taking care of, because that's so hollow and empty. But it's like if you're doing everything else and it's just part of the fun of having a body to begin with right now and I sort of feel like if you get a car wash and you'd get your car detailed. For me I wouldn't just get the interior detailed, which is what we're doing in this golden chute shovel and flexible and erotica, by for me, it's also about getting the axe here detailed, you know just keeping my shit together looking the best. I can
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impossibly look for me. And it's not about other people's standards. It's just my own. And I think that's especially hard now with social media, but it's just being confident enough in yourself and not judging other women for what they're doing. Because what's good for you is not the same thing as what's good for someone else. Right. But I do think that people who do all the different things that they do, if it sets an unreal standard of beauty for our girls, for our women, and are all together as peers, that's the part where you're like, this isn't, this isn't holistic, do you know it's not for the best, because we're have this standard of what we think it should look like versus what real life is. So that those are the only parts that little stumbling blocks, if you will, around, I agree. It's finding the middle. And I think there are times where my daughter and I will be watching tik tok together looking at Instagram, and we have very honest conversations, like, the way she looks, that's not normal, you can tell that that's been altered a little bit with Photoshop, or maybe this or that. But we do have those honest, parental kid moments of like, you and I both know that this is not real shit. Because I have to just make sure to keep that in check. Because if you're not doing it as a parent, like who else is doing it, like we have to call the shots and make the boundaries around it. But before we wrap up, I want to do a little fun shit about Ryan. I know we did a couple a few minutes ago with your beauty secrets. But I want to ask you a few more fun shit questions. So here we go. What's next on the bucket list? Gosh, Almighty Well, I'm putting a book together. So probably that that's probably my biggest. That's a big thing. Yeah. Wow. And do you have a title yet? I don't right now. I'm just curating a lot of the writings that I've done, and just putting them together and seeing how it speaks to me. So that's what I'm doing right now. And I love writing. It's a passion. It's a really, really something I love to do. So that's definitely a bucket list. And we can find your writing on your website and also in poosh. That's right, my website and then on my Instagram, mostly because I read a lot for Instagram. And they're usually pretty lengthy. And my husband's always like, these are the posts. So you know, yes, whatever. He doesn't have to read them. We want to read them. That's right. Just like it Marcus. Totally move on. Okay, so number two, is there anything that you've learned in quarantine, that's now on your bucket list? Just that you can't balance at all? You know, should lest we ever forget that this just time and again, you can't be all things to all people. And certainly when you're building a business and having baby goats at the beginning of quarantine and like having kids home and homeschool and all those different parts and pieces that it's okay, give yourself a lot of a wide berth. To be able to just ease up on the perfectionism yet again, in every quadrant is key. So I really did have not just that I learned that but I had an experience over and over of that just to let go of whatever ideas I had fantasies of what it should look like and just be with what's happening. You really want flexible dates. We said at the same time, James.
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Okay, secret pleasure. I love frosting out of a Betty Crocker container with the spoon. No, I know. I'm like a trans fat girl. What can I say? What's your secret? pleasure? popcorn? popcorn. Okay, butter, no butter. No, I like it with ghee and burgers? Yes, of course you do. ghee and brewers yeast. Oh my gosh. Okay, I'm gonna try it. Try. It has to be with me. No, I'm gonna try it. My daughter has those two ingredients in the kitchen. I'll try it. Okay. And then what about I normally ask people what woowoo things do you want to do? But I'm gonna ask you what woo things have you not done that you would like to do? Oh, gosh, well, I was planning to go I want to go there's these sacred vortexes around the planet and I want to go I want to make an admission to go on all of them. And I actually was going to one with my daughter into loom. Oh, I remember that. And it got canceled. Yes. And I cancelled it. Yeah, so that was that's a sacred vortex by so I'd like to go there and like really sit with that energy and meditate and like, I know that sounds way woowoo but that sort of I had this permission to travel and do that. No, but is it like an organized retreat? Once you get there? There are some and I do want to do some that are organized. I want to go to Avalon and do like Glastonbury in that area. That's one of them. There's another place in Machu Picchu that I want to go to a specific spot that holds a lot of sacred energy. So it's like just traveling to those spots in the world. How many are there
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I heard there's like eight to 10 Okay, so you can just look up in Google you look up what sacred vortex locations. I have different people that are different healers. Yeah, sacred water says that we call it world. Yeah.
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I'm gonna do that right after this. Okay, favorite TV show in the past or something you're watching now. Oh my god I love the last kingdom and Outlander. who haven't watched that. I've been watching Outlander. Oh, it's so good. So, so good. So good. But did you watch the poll darks? Yes, I did. Like Poldark. I like the pull darks too. I fell in love with those characters when it was over. I was traumatized. I know it is it is.
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But I heard they might come out with one more season. Oh, wow. Oh, I would love that. Amazing. Okay, what was the last thing you ordered from Amazon? A lot of technology and microphones and in different pieces and parts and recording different things. So probably that they keep coming all these little pieces. And they're not intuitive, right? It's so they're like, you need this that to go with this microphone to go with that just because I'm doing all these different appearances. And I clearly don't have the equipment that I need to do that. That's not a sexy answer. But that's the truth. I can't handle it. either. I open it, I hand it to my husband, I'm like, please help me. Yeah. Okay, was intuition natural to you? Or did you have to work at it? Well, because I wasn't in the center before will loop back to that. I didn't trust it. It led me astray. You know, so I think curating that relationship to myself, I really do lean into it above all others. And that takes time. And how did you know when you could trust it? It was gradual. It was gradual. Because I started seeing i'd making good decisions. And my intuition was always right. When I was truly in that space of quiet without the chattering of the mind without the subconscious running things without preconditioning just really being in the moment, and weighing things out and developing tools and coming to decisions, writing things. And just sitting with instead of coming to answers quickly, I found that I could lean into that interest myself. And I was never wrong. Wow. Okay, that's definitely something we can all work on. Rarely wrong, let's say none. Never rarely. Yeah, no, it makes sense. Okay, so what's the smallest thing we can do today, to start our shift towards being centered or self recreation? I'd say watch your thoughts. Watch your thoughts. Watch yourself talk, watch how you speak to yourself throughout your day, just notice it and write some of it down and then come up with different ways of managing your life through the lens of how you speak to yourself and how you view life around you and your life will shift quickly. So it's sort of like writing down the 10 shittiest things that I constantly say to myself. Mm hmm. And coming up with their opposites. Oh, God. So give me an example. Well, like I'm not good enough, would be one, or I'm not pretty enough, or I'm not this or all, it's usually not enoughness. In some department, I'm not mothering enough. Whatever those are, it would be like I'm doing the best I can. And I really like how hard I'm trying, it would be like things like that. I can give myself space to make mistakes. It's just learning how to self soothe, but no one else has to do that for you. You have to do it for yourself. I agree. And that sort of this going along this self recreation journey, even for me with this podcast, it's like, no one else can do this. Except for you. All the work in this is on you. And that's the hardest part. But if it's not hard, I feel like it's not worth it then, because anything that's worth it is hard work. It doesn't mean it has to be saddening or disrupting, but just that we have to go through the obstacles and we have to live it just like you said. And somewhere we earn it in the doing of that, that it feels really our own. I mean, I've been handed things and some I squandered them. Yeah, it's not the same. And now what would be your bottom line advice for finding the sweet spot in the second half of life? Give yourself permission to reinvent, give yourself permission to throw out a lot of old ideas and really drill down into what you want that next part of your life to look like and empower yourself to do it. And do you think that finding a mentor or friend who can sort of honestly mirror back to, you know even what your strengths are? Because sometimes we don't exactly know what they are but finding a good friend to be like, wait, Sarah, you're really good at this. You're really good at that. This is an idea for you because sometimes it's hard to do it on your own. It is unless you're recycling those same tapes. A lot of times you're not seeing yourself clearly. So it does help to have someone else hold up the mirror and say let's think about what you really want and
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How are you going to get there? What are the action steps then you have accountability, which is always great because you can slip back into the veil, do it tomorrow, because again, the subconscious wants to keep you safe. So it's going to be like, ah, not feeling it today, you know. And so those are ways to like really propel yourself forward, find a good friend, find a good mentor, find a coach, find somebody who's going to help you come to your own truth, not their truth, your truth and help you build actionable steps to do that. Right. I think it really is about finding these small steps. Okay, Ryan, now that we've done our shit shovel for today, I hope that you guys have loved Ryan's golden shit life nuggets as much as I have. I've loved every minute of working with you personally. And on this podcast. And if the listeners want to find you, where can they find you? I think the most current place is my Instagram. I'm at Ryan hadden coach. And then my website's Ryan hadden, so easy to find me. love to meet you. Great, easy. Yeah. So I want everyone to think about all the shit that we can start doing today. What's your one small step, as we talked about with Ryan, and I want to thank Ryan for being one of my female mentors in giving me the tools and inspiration to continue to recreate myself. And hence this podcast. Ryan Hatton. Yay. Thanks, Sara. Such a pleasure. Thank you. The product. Yeah, so great. Lots of love. Oh, thank you. Talk to you soon. Okay, bye, Sarah. Hi, it's me again. I listened to this episode with Ryan hadden. So I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listened to a long episode, I'm like, Oh, I love that. But then I can't remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do the Golden Nugget summary. Also, if you go to my website and click episodes, then show notes. It's all written out. And the links mentioned the episodes are there too. In this episode, we found the sweet spot and finding our center and bringing meaning and purpose into our second half of life. Ryan is a certified life and spiritual coach and knows exactly how to do this. The first Golden Nugget, find your center, finding your center is finding what you need not like a Medicare, but what you really need to give yourself purpose and make you happy. What drives you and gives you purpose. Ryan says it's really like putting your relationship to you first. And that's the number one thing about a center, what do I need? How is this gonna play out for me, because this is not serving me. It's about my relationship to me, I don't like myself when I keep doing this or that. That's how we build self esteem is trying to do something different. When we don't like something, we shouldn't do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Ryan says that we have to ask ourselves, how's this working for me? You know, how am I going to show up in the world? And the question that I always ask is, who am I in relationship to this parenting? For example, who am I in relationship to being a mother now? And to my child? Is this enough for me? Do I feel fulfilled, this can change over time for sure. So without your center, you're sort of floating with no paddles. Golden Nugget number two, notice your triggers, it is important to notice your triggers because this helps you reflect on yourself. When you identify triggers and understand where they come from, you can identify points in yourself that need healing, or work to be done because there is something that is raw in there. And that what is upsetting to you may not be upsetting to the average person. This shows us where we have work to do questions to ask yourself when you're feeling triggered. When has this popped up? How long has this been going on? Why do I keep reacting to the same situations with people where the same trigger keeps popping up again and again. Ryan also says so if we are continually doing something that's irritating, you know, it's not about them. It's about you. And that's powerful. That's hard to really bring into your brain and comprehend. Because we have to figure out how we can adjust the way we are seeing things and take the focus off the other people sometimes and bring it back to us. Ryan says noticing your triggers, you ask yourself questions like why am I triggered right now? Why is this so upsetting to me. And one tool that Ryan does love is writing something down. She says it gets it out of your head and onto a piece of paper. So much of what we do in our lives is unconscious, we have like 30 to 60,000 unconscious thoughts a day, most of which are negative and habitual. So just having the awareness of that I'm having a thought and that thought creates a feeling and then the feeling creates the perception and then that creates a personality. So it's first
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Start there, notice the thoughts. There are trigger points to where you're not free. It points to where we still have work to do. Golden Nugget number three, find a meditation practice. Turn meditation into flossing, practice it daily and make it part of your routine. like nobody wants to floss but we do it because it's good for us. If you practice it enough, it will become part of your routine. Just sit set a timer for a couple minutes and set yourself up for success. And you know, then after a while, it's just like flossing, you start to love that clean feeling between your teeth. Meditation is spiritual hygiene. It helps you recognize your thoughts, clean your thoughts and calm your mind. It's also an essential tool for noticing your triggers. When you start meditating, you also become more in tune with your thoughts. And you can notice your thoughts and feeling spiritual hygiene in the same way. It's like you have to remember I am not the ego I am the mind I am not the body. I'm a soul having a human experience. It's super simple. Once you come back to breathing, you can get frustrated with meditation, then you come back to breathing again, just notice your thoughts come back to breathing. Fourth Golden Nugget, give yourself permission to reinvent. Ryan was able to move out of Hollywood and to a farm in Pennsylvania and reinvent herself and start new. This can apply to things from divorce to moving to a new job, you can reinvent yourself and that's okay. That's part of self recreation. Ryan says give yourself permission to reinvent. Give yourself permission to throw out a lot of old ideas and really drill down into what you want that next part of your life to look like and empower yourself to do it. The fifth Golden Nugget, you can't do everything. You have to be okay with letting certain things go. It's important to remember this or you will set unrealistic expectations for yourself. We have to ease up on the perfectionism in order to be able to self recreate. Gold is dripping off these nuggets. Grab it, use it. The resources and products mentioned in this episode are in the show notes. share this episode with a friend and subscribe to the flexible neurotic for more golden nuggets. And please write a five star review. It helps me grow as a podcast. Have a Happy, happy, happy New Year, heading into 2021 Let's try to use some of Ryan Haddon strategies for recalibrating ourselves in 2021.
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Good peeps, thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed finding our sweet spot today, and digging through layers of shit with your golden shit shovel, Subscribe, Subscribe, subscribe. DM me on Instagram at the flexible neurotic. Tell me which golden nuggets resonated with you. The ones that you're gonna start using today to start getting your shit together to find our sweet spots. screenshot it, send it to a friend. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic, inspiring you to gather, curate, incorporate, maybe even meditate.