Transcript for Episode 06

00:05

Hi, good peeps. Welcome to the flexible neurotic podcast. You know that friend that you can call to ask anything? That's me. Dr. Sarah Milken. I'm known to my friends as the flexible, neurotic. What is flexible, neurotic even mean? Let me be neurotic by take out my golden shovel to dig deep for all the golden nuggets in the hottest topics from parenting, to education to neuroscience, and maybe even some beauty secrets. So we can all start living more flexibly. Come join us for edgy conversations with rad moms. Innovative thought leaders and well being practitioners helping you find that sweet spot between chaotic and gel. If you're craving that sweet spot, grab your golden shovel with me. You will walk away with nuggets you can start using today. Hi good peeps. This is the next episode of the flexible neurotic podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic. Today I have a very special friend and guest top selling Los Angeles realtor of the celebrities and Hollywood's elite Tracy tutors killing it. She is one of the stars of Bravo's million dollar listing. Tracy's best selling book is what she calls a no bullshit guide to analyzing big egos deflecting power plays and taking control of every real fear is a four letter word you might be thinking so if I'm not a businesswoman, what does this even have to do with me? It has everything to do with us. We are learning from Tracy how to step up and out even if we are scared. This is why the book is called fear is a four letter word. This book is changing how women see themselves in giving us the actual tools and steps to acknowledge our personal fears and move through them to recreate ourselves in the second half of life. Tracy and I are 45 years old Tracy Are you 45

02:17

I am.

02:18

I am starting over with what's next for me and Tracy has added her next stage in her self transformation. We are going to dig deep into the details of this and her no bullshit approach we can apply to ourselves and our life events currently. Hi, Tracy.

02:39

What's up Sarah? How are you?

02:41

I'm so excited to see you. I got dressed up for you because you're always fucking dressed up. And you're wearing a Flashdance sweatshirt off the shoulder with your hair in a hot ponytail with a tan.

02:54

Well, I do have a little bit of bronzer on for you. But I just worked out that was like am I really gonna like go get dressed up for another podcast that's from here up.

03:03

Yeah, I know. But I told your assistant via text yesterday that you weren't allowed to work out before the podcast because it was gonna make me feel bad.

03:11

I know. And you texted me last night?

03:14

Yeah, don't work out. Tracy before you get on this podcast.

03:19

I had to I ate a cheeseburger last night. So I had to get my fat flat on the treadmill.

03:25

Oh my god. Well, at least we know your real right. Oh, I'm real. All right. You're real. You're killing it. So my intentions for this episode as it is for all my episodes of the flexible neurotic is for us to dig deep with our golden shovels. You probably have many Tracy. I do in an edgy conversation about how we and all of us can find our sweet spots between neurotic and chill. I don't know if you're ever chill. But we'll see. Tracy is a killer dresser. Her clothes range and her juxtaposition of the high to low. She can make Azhar dress look like a designer dress. She is going to tell us how. In this case, we are going to find the sweet spot and learning to move through our fears. This episode is going to teach us to acknowledge that fear is such a bitch. As Tracy says we are going to find the golden nuggets to move through fear into the next stage of the second half of life. We will be using profanity talking about real stuff. Be prepared for it to get vulnerable open and with a lot of bad language. Ready? Yes.

04:41

Let's fucking do this.

04:43

Let's rock and do it. Okay, Tracy tutor. We all know that our childhoods play a major role in who we are as adults, the good, the bad, the ugly. So I know you could probably talk for five years about your childhood but let's just like do the highlights. It's the shark that the mom the power above. Just talk it out. Yeah,

05:05

I definitely had a dad that was a bit of an ego driven man. But he came from nothing. He was a second generation Armenian. His father came over after the Armenian genocide. They couldn't pronounce his name when he was in New York City. And so it was changed from barbarian to tutor and grew up in Van Nuys in the hood, went to high school, most of his friends landed in jail, and my dad joined the military and ended up back at USC. Somehow, he turned a corner there and started working for his dad in his small construction company that he had formed when he came to the US. And now of course, it's a giant public company, and he does bridges, tunnels, infrastructure, hotels, casinos, etc. Thank God, he does not do single family homes, otherwise, we'd have a serious complex.

05:56

And so what about the elements of that powerhouse of a father has contributed to the fucking killer Tracy tutor.

06:06

I mean, this guy is the guy that answers the phone with what do you want? But I might, I mean, nothing. I was just calling because you know, say hi. And know the holiday. Like we're just trying to sort out the schedule. He's like, I'm on the other line. Is it important, but like, he's the guy who will always take your call. He's the most loyal human being on the planet. But then, secretly,

06:31

he's just missing the finesse.

06:33

Yeah, he's definitely I wouldn't say he's lacking like the sensitivity chip. He's just lacking finesse on like, every level.

06:41

Yeah. And maybe the filter,

06:43

no filter, which, of course has seemingly found its way to me.

06:49

Got that one down.

06:51

But He's charming. He's fierce. He's got that grit, which is, I think, where I have gotten it from, and we're going to talk about that today.

07:02

So are there any parts of your childhood upbringing that you're skipping with your two girls? Or you kind of are just taking the positives and moving forward?

07:16

I don't believe in any of that. I don't believe in sugarcoating things.

07:20

I actually agree with that completely. Because I feel like the more honest conversations you have with your kids like mine are 14 and 16, Helder, Scarlett and Juliet again,

07:31

14 and 12.

07:32

Okay, so it's like the same thing. If you don't have those honest conversations, then you actually never build the trust with your kids. Because some people say, Well, I don't want to talk about that stuff with my kids. Because what if they tell people, I'm like, they're not going to share your dirty laundry? If you have a tight connection with them. They're just not they know what's right. And they know what's wrong.

07:55

Right. And I also think you're teaching them how to navigate life.

08:00

Totally.

08:01

If you look at historically how we've all raised our kids, how we were raised, how our parents raised, not very many of my friends or even myself, on some level were raised without some sort of veil of this is what goes on behind closed doors. And this is what happens outside of it.

08:21

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, my mom was like wear pantyhose. If you go out, I have like pantyhose, repulsion from growing up. Okay, like who even wears pantyhose. And you know, my mom didn't talk about sex and those kinds of things with us. It just didn't happen. And I don't know if it was the times combined with her. And she was an amazing mom. It's just we didn't have those kinds of conversations. But I'm having those with my kids now. I mean, we're like going in it. You know,

08:53

what's interesting is my mom, she sort of lived it the way I wouldn't say that she was as communicative about sex and stuff like that. Like, I remember our conversation about sex was like, 10 minutes long. It was like, Are you having it? And I was like, not yet. But maybe,

09:08

yeah, ours was like five seconds. Do you need birth control pills? Okay.

09:12

Yeah, there was no birds, bees situation going on. But hey, you know, I think she lived her truth. And she did the best that she can. And Now interestingly enough, she's raising my niece, Kate, because my brother passed away 10 years ago, and Kate was one year old. Wow. And so my mom sort of back in it again. And now she has this like new wave wave parenting, which is sort of a trip because she's 74. So that's kind of interesting to see how she's doing it differently this time.

09:45

Wow, that's amazing. Now, your kids in the process of getting on the show and all of that we're definitely going to get into because I feel like that's an interesting topic. But first, I want to ask you, do you think that a lot of our issues as women, in terms of self transformation kind of come from this base level of fear and need for control.

10:09

I do, actually, I think that was a piece of I think, why I maybe broke the mold a little bit and did what I wanted to do. And part of the reason that I have a little bit of that grit is I don't really talk about it, and I don't talk about it that much. In my first book, maybe that's book number two. But in therapy, I want to say I was maybe 16 or 17 years old, his therapist that I was seeing, I think, you know, my parents had gotten divorced when I was 10. I was a firecracker in high school. And I wouldn't say I was like, desperately struggling, but it was a good time for me to be in therapy, to sort through some of my feelings with that divorce and how to navigate the two of them and different relationships. And I remember the therapist said to me, once, it seems like you're in a little bit of like a golden birdcage, and you want to break out of it, but it's a pretty fucking cage. You know,

10:57

it's like the golden handcuffs, kind of.

11:00

Yeah, you know, like, they've set it up really nice for you. There's like a mohair sofa in there. We're really comfortable. There's wine. Why leave?

11:09

Yeah.

11:10

But the truth is, I really desperately wanted to have that independence and sort of break free and create my own thing. But I always go back to that, because I do feel like that's a struggle that so many people have, particularly women, I think men naturally and historically, leave the nest easier than women do. And I think that's part of why I think we struggle in relationships, leaving. And again, I totally like, flew off to left field there. But

11:41

no, I understand.

11:42

I find that whole process kind of interesting. And like, I think women need to start slipping that a little bit. And that's why I talked about my kids all the time and sending them sort of out into the world. Like with a little preparation. I don't let them off the leash at all. Now, how the hell are they going to do it out there?

12:00

Right now in terms of getting into the fear and the control part. In your book, you outline a step. And I guess for the purpose of this podcast, normalizing our shed and giving myself and listeners like real actionable Golden Nugget steps that they can take, I want to dig into the step one of managing fear. You are a successful real estate broker in Los Angeles at the time you're married with two kids, then Bravo TV comes along and is like, hey, do you want to be the female star of our show? That's always been man. How do you acknowledge that fear and move fucking through it to put yourself out there? What was your managing fear step?

12:45

I had gotten to a place I think just in my life, personally, where I had a lot of challenges just within my own marriage, creating a job for myself that I felt could be rewarding outside of acting. And then of course, being a mom. So it's like, by the time I was 40 years old, it's not that I hadn't been offered or had opportunities for different reality shows and stuff like that along the way. I had that fear back then, because I wasn't in my body enough to say, Oh, this isn't produced. This is what comes out of my mouth. I was an actor. So for me, it was like, these aren't lines that I'm memorizing or character that I can embed. This is me. And finally, when I got the opportunity to do a million dollar listing, and I remember when they asked me about it, I felt I mean, almost instinctually committed to doing it.

13:33

Something drew you in like some kind of gut feeling instinct was like, Yes, me.

13:39

Yeah, I wanted to go like towards the light

13:41

carolann if you like, but you also knew that your shit was gonna be blown up on a huge screen for people and your personal life was gonna go very public and very fast.

13:54

I mean, our show isn't historically, really, it's not a housewife show where, you know,

13:59

no, but you would see your husband occasionally or your kids, depending on what you decided with that you didn't know 100% of the time when you started?

14:08

No, I my husband was obviously really uncomfortable with it at the time and didn't want me to do it. Actually, I'm not 100% Sure. If I think there was a piece of him that was like, she's going to go do her. And that's going to pull away from me. And it's about me,

14:25

right with me or without me, and that was hard.

14:28

I mean, I of course, at that point was you know, 40 years old and said to myself, I'm going towards the light and you can either get on board and support me or not, but I'm doing it anyway. Because I want to do what's right for me and candidly, I don't know if this marriage is going to last and I'm okay with that.

14:47

But your marriage had issues in it before the show came along. It's not like the show came along and then bought by marriage. Let's be honest,

14:56

this show to be clear. I know people lose To be like, Oh, how could you go on a reality show and like, screw up your marriage? And I'm like, are you like 1940s? housewives? What is your problem? They were existing issues in our marriage that were long before and he was maybe appeared on the show in the first season like five times. But at the end of the day, that wasn't the issue. But of course, I was perceived as a career driven, terrible mother, who, whose husband left her because all she cares about is herself.

15:31

Yeah, I think it's such a interesting and layered concept of this judgment piece. And I talked about it in a lot of my episodes, because, as you know, like, I got a PhD I taught and then I took 16 years off as a mom. And now I'm coming back to it, and you, even in the last 16 years, you've see so much judgment both ways. It's like, you're damned if you stay home with your kids, you're just a housewife. Then if you go and have a career, then you're a non nurturing mom. And I think that one of my meanings and y's for this podcast is just to say, like, you guys, we're all in this together, and everybody's going to do their fucking shit differently. And let's be okay with that. I mean, even with nursing a baby, my mom didn't breastfeed me or my brother, and she had a full time career. And she was like, the best mom ever. And I think my brother and I turned out fine. Yeah. And I remember going to baby classes, and I only breastfed for six weeks, because my pediatricians like Sarah, just get the six weeks, you'll give a quarter of immunities. And I was like, I'm dying. I'm dying. Like the first day of the six week, I was like, Okay, I'm good. I go to the baby classes and crack open the can of formula, there was so much judgment in the room, like, you could cut it with a knife. And I was like, you guys, not everybody is going to do this the same? And we have to be okay. And did you speak up about it at that time? I did. And I was just like, I can't do everything, the way everyone else wants to do it just the same way that like some women were complaining about their husbands not stepping up to the plate with the baby. Sure. Well, I didn't have the husband issue, I had the breastfeeding issue. And I was like, I can't do this. Because it's not because I don't want to, but it's like making me feel sick. I don't have energy to function during my day. It doesn't work for my life. And I think that that's one big thing that I want to do with talking to people like you is that everybody's going to do it differently.

17:33

Sure.

17:34

And we have to accept everybody's own lane. And like with the social media thing, there are people coming out and saying mean shit to women all the time. I'm sure you've experienced it. Unbelievable. I haven't experienced it yet. Knock on wood. But I'm 10 days into this. Like I told you before we started recording, I didn't even have a personal Instagram account before this podcast. I started 10 days ago. And now I have 550 like amazing women following along joining the flexible neurotic community. But you know, I just want to say that to all the women who are putting themselves out there and trying to figure it out. Let's hold each other up. Yeah, some of us are going to be Tracy tutors and do it the unfiltered way. And some of us are not going to be the unfiltered way but always are okay.

18:22

I think the goal on some level is to be the unfiltered version of yourself, not me.

18:29

No, no, no, no, totally. But I'm saying whatever whoever you are, go for it. But don't hold yourself back. Because you're afraid somebody is going to judge you. There's always going to be judgment no matter what. That's very true. And I think that's what's so hard. But in terms of the steps of transformation in the second half of life, I think in your book, you outline as another step, I guess I want to explain to the listeners, your book is really about your transformation, but also about how you manage top dog hard nosed clients. So what I've done is I've taken the steps, you've applied to that and saying, hey, Tracy, can you help us apply those to our lives as women in recreating ourselves? So step two would be in your book, dig up information about the client before you get to the meeting. So I'm saying in this conversation, step two is dig up information about yourself, make a list of your strengths, figure out who you are. So can you talk about that?

19:34

Yes, a lot of people don't really want to talk about their strengths, particularly when they're coming from like a fear based feeling inside of them. You know, when you're challenged with that question, like what are your strengths? Do you ever see like the respect like people get shifty in their seat? You know, like,

19:51

yes, it's so hard, even me.

19:55

I don't want to be like, pat myself on the back too much, because then I'll be viewed This, but I also think it's important to acknowledge your weaknesses and know those as well. And I think everybody needs to do that homework on themselves, talk to the people closest to you, and ask them point blank and catch them off guard. Because that's when they're going to be the most honest and take a real assessment of yourself, you need to understand particularly at our age, what the hell your weaknesses and strengths are. Yes, in order to be effective, not just in your business, but in your personal life, it makes you more accountable, it makes you understand yourself a little bit more when you're like, here's what I'm good at. Here's like the four things that I think that are my strengths. And here's like four of my top weaknesses. So when you're in a social setting, or if you're in a business meeting, or you're in a an interaction with the opposite sex, you have a your own interaction going on inside of you, you have your in state. And that's when those four things pop up, sort of on each side of you, when you are sitting across from someone, you get a gut feeling, that's when you kind of know how to speak up for yourself and how to navigate the conversation and connect on a human level better, because you're like, Okay, I know where I'm strong. And where I'm weak. I've done the homework, and I've analyzed this person. And I think I have a pretty good idea coming into this meeting on what their personality type might be, what their perspective is based on maybe doing some diligence on them on social media, what their work is, what their passions are, and then you got to listen, then that will give you the tools that you need to decipher who they are going to be to you and whether or not you're going to be able to connect on an emotional level on a business level. And that's just, it's just human interaction, if we don't know our own weaknesses, and our own strengths, and those things connect with the person that you're in the room with, I mean, you can't just know them, and then like put it away. It's not like a little exercise, right?

21:54

You have to integrate it into yourself.

21:57

It's a full on exercise that you should be doing every day where you're like, Okay, I'm sitting up in this, you know, meeting right now. And I can see that the person sitting across from me is off their game today, they're disconnected, they're agitated, this is their experience of it, oh, boom, this is where I shine. I'm really good at being charismatic in a room. And so maybe I can shift their mood or parallel it. If they're excited, then I can be excited alongside them. If they're agitated, I can shift the conversation away from things that are making them uncomfortable. You got to take those strengths and apply them in a daily basis. And then kind of walk out of the meeting and assess like, did I do that? Like did I was I fully engaged and fully aware in that moment, and you'll start to see that it will become more natural. It's like working out. It's not fucking fun in the beginning. But eight weeks later, you're like, Oh, do I have abs and then all of a sudden, it becomes more habitual.

22:51

the creating of the habit, I think is definitely hard, especially when it comes to looking at your inner self and what your own strengths are. And I find it interesting to you talk about in the book, also, where sometimes you don't know exactly what your strengths are, you think you know, but you don't know. But you say that you can sort of bring in your close friends or family members, you refer to them as your family, friends and family and ask them like, what are my strengths? What do you think of me, you can also rely on those people who are honest and you trust to help you make that list for yourself. And I know like even for this podcast, I've talked about it when I turned 45 in February, my daughter made a gold box. She reached out to all my friends and said, Can you write three to five things of what you think about my mom. So when I got that box, I opened it up. And it was like problem solver. My nerdy friend, my stylish friend who always knows everything to a tee, my researcher friend, I was like, wait, these are my strengths. I'm a question asker. I'm a researcher. I'm a shit digger are. And when I saw all of my strings laid out in front of me, I was like, wait, I need to do something with this. And then the flexible neurotic podcast was born. And it wasn't like I planned on it. But once I saw those strengths laid out in front of me, it just became natural. So I feel like people who are searching to find their purpose or find a side hustle or something that they want to do on a larger scale. If they look at their strengths, or have their friends write them out for them, we can sort of see a bigger picture. Yeah. And I think that's so helpful. And related to that was your step number three of being a chameleon and I love that because it wasn't a chameleon, like you got to change your shit wherever you go. Why don't you tell us how you view a chameleon in this self recreation and living in the world.

24:51

I really think it's not about changing your spots or becoming just sort of this altered version of yourself. That doesn't connect to you personally, like you have to, again, you start with the basics and knowing your strengths and weaknesses and knowing yourself, and then you're able to take it to the next level. And for me, I think the chameleon piece is something that I've done really well. Now granted, I started dancing and being on stage, and I was in a singing group, Sara,

25:21

oh, wow, it was tragic.

25:25

But I studied acting for a long time. And that's a real testament to like, I think why I'm a good salesman, because it makes you explore certain parts of yourself and challenge your emotional creativity. And that I think, is a big piece of being able to shift so that I'm able to, you know, maintain who I am. But I can also transition in and be and create a relationship with someone that is the perhaps the opposite of me, you know, naturally we are attracted to people that are like us or want to be like us. I think Tony Robbins said that best I was like listening to a podcast that he did the other day, but I do think that's true. you're attracted to people that are like minded and excited. I mean, for me, like minded, excitable,

26:12

no, it's so true. Even with this podcast, it's like people are coming out from all over the country like me, too. That's me. That's me. And we have a common thread.

26:22

Yes. And I think that's what it's about. It's about finding the common thread with the person that you're sitting across from. And so sometimes that requires shifting a little bit from yourself and sort of matching or pairing the person that's sitting across from you, again, if they're excited, then you're going to be excited alongside them. You need to find commonality with people. And that's why starting with step one, and doing your diligence on somebody, and really kind of making them feel important. You know, sometimes you could be in a meeting, and you could be talking to the person sitting across from you. And maybe they mentioned something about work and say, you know, I heard I know that you've been with this company for two years, and that you were just promoted. Congratulations. And all of a sudden, they're like, Wow, thanks. That was a couple years ago.

27:07

Now. Because at the end of the day, everyone wants to be seen.

27:11

Yes.

27:12

Everybody wants to feel recognized. It doesn't even have to be in a big way. But just even like, shout out, thank you, or I saw you did that or kudos to you.

27:23

Right. And that's what's so interesting to me, and why I find it amusing that I've connected with people that sometimes are the opposite of me. And it's because in those first initial meetings, I think I surprised them, because they perhaps had done the homework on me, I'm really more referring to real estate than personal relationships. But they might have a perception of me from the show that they've seen me on. And there's something intriguing them about me, but I'm a little edgier, I speak sometimes out of both sides of my mouth, I'm forgivable. But at the same time, I can sit down across from someone who's from the Upper East Side that's buttoned up and somehow find my way into their connection. And that I think, is completely due to being able to be a chameleon and somehow find your way to connect with those people. And then once you find that connection, and it clicks, then you can like, let off little cues about yourself. And then they feel like Oh, she's like sharing with me, she's bringing in a part of herself. That in and of itself is what makes them want to pick up the phone and spend more time with you.

28:29

It's sort of like an authentic flexibility. It's like you're always Tracy fucking tutor, no matter where you are.

28:37

Always the same

28:38

way I feel like I am about myself. But you can be a chameleon and be flexible in terms of creating those connections with people that may not be like sports may not be your favorite topic. But you know, it's a favorite topic of the person you're with. So you go there and connect with them as Tracy tutor, but connect with them on their topic,

28:59

right? And then I think that that's when you inject humor, so obviously, I'm not sitting down and doing football pools or whatever. They know what those are called. Neither do I.

29:10

But you might eat the chips and salsa.

29:13

Yeah, so there either it's like insert humor about it. And that self deprecating humor sometimes is the best kind of humor to use when you don't really have a natural connection with the other person. Right? And I find that to be a really great way to connect with people.

29:29

And then I think that also goes to another step in your book where you're like, Own your shit. And owning your shit is owning your shit in terms of things you've done wrong or said. But I think it's also Hey, I don't know anything about sports, but I'm happy you love sports. So I'm going to talk to you about how I don't know anything about it and be self deprecating. And I'm going to talk to you about how much I love the chips and guacamole when I go to Monday Night Football, right? It's just like finding those small connections. And in terms of connections, I think it leads to another Step in your book, which I'll call Step four, which is intuition. And you say intuition is not woowoo. It's tuning into what's not being said at the table. So can you talk to us about that?

30:13

God gave women intuition. We know shit that we should not No, you know what I mean?

30:20

Totally.

30:21

It's like a look. It's a movement of a phone. Yes. It's like the way he walks through the front door, we like have that in spades. And why we don't access it more is fucking beyond me. Instead, we like hide it, where like, my intuition is like, he's cheating on me. But that can't be because everyone tells me We're so fabulous. We shut all that stuff down. But more often than not, our intuition is correct. And that's another thing that I really, really, truly believe in doing. And funny story as a little sidebar, I'm really passionate about that. And I fuck it up all the time. I was reading my book for the audible version. And they told me it was going to take like five or six days, and I like zipped through it in like two days. And after day two, like three quarters of the way through the day, I like stopped the producer. And I was like, Is this all coming out? Okay, because you're not stopping me. And I'm just like, I've read like six chapters, and she's like, I just need to take a break. And she's like, what's wrong? And I said, Well, I just read that chapter about intuition and speaking your truth, and I'm not following it. And so I'm just pissed at myself. And I need to go like, have a moment. And I think that that's something that we constantly have to challenge ourselves to do to listen to our inner voices, both at the end of every day at the beginning of every morning and set our intentions of speaking about it, because I think you don't want to appear like the crazy woman who can't shut up about what's happening up here. But at the same time, I think there's honesty in that, and you utilize that more and more, and you'll find out that people will deliver more information to you, you know, when you're when you're sitting across from someone at a lunch or a party, you're socializing, and someone says something and you're smiling, holding your cocktail. And you're like, wait a minute. That was weird. I mean, did she just kind of like,

32:15

throw me under the bus?

32:17

Yeah, that was really strange. You just kind of move on. And then you go outside, and you tell your girlfriend like that was really uncomfortable. And you don't say anything about it. I mean, this happens probably to women 25 times a day, good, bad or ugly. Whatever it is, I think that we have to acknowledge that because it's our greatest power against dynamics, male egos, all of that stuff, particularly in a business setting. I mean, they give you so many cues, because they have zero clue like men's intuition is like not even close to what we have been gifted with. But because we don't acknowledge it enough, and we don't utilize it enough. That's why I think we have a wage gap.

32:57

Yes. And I also think we can use intuition in ourselves in the transformation of ourselves. It's like, well, what feels good to me and what doesn't feel good. And there's also a not feeling good, just because it's uncomfortable, doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it.

33:13

Right. If you're not waking up and uncomfortable. you're striving for mediocrity, in my opinion. And I do think you should live in that space. You even doing this? I mean, I'm sure this has been like a Whoa, moment for you.

33:27

Yes.

33:28

But after you do it, it's almost like a high because it's like, I got through another day, I just I did it again. And it becomes easier.

33:37

Totally. I interviewed Tracy tutor. And like I go from mollica Chopra, the meditation research Queen of all intent to Tracy tutor. I mean, we're like hovering all over the place. And more good for you, though. Yeah, it's like the beauty of what I'm trying to do is say there are so many experts out there so many people doing rad shit that let's pick their brains. And let's figure out what they're doing and what their steps are so that I and everyone else can follow suit and figure out what our next path is. And I think that leads me into the next step that's in your book, after intuition is failure and keeping your shit together in failure. And you say that you have to ask yourself three questions. And I'm going to read those three questions for you. And then you can walk us through it.

34:31

Am I good? Because I can't remember them.

34:33

I know. That's how I'm going if I can read them to you. Number one, what can I do to prevent this in the future? Number two, what's one thing I learned about myself from this giant ass? No, I just got and number three, where did I make an assumption and why did I make that assumption? So let's start with number one. What can I do to prevent this in the future, give us an example.

34:56

Not being prepared for a big listing pitch. And putting it out there, you get a little big for your boots, when you've been selling real estate for 20 years, per se or doing whatever it is that you've been doing for a long time you get in a habit, it just happened.

35:11

You could be a super mom, too, you could be like the super perfect Tiger mom,

35:16

whatever it is, you get into that schedule in that format of how you wake up. And it's like, same place, same thing. And I think that when you're not preparing, and you're not constantly challenging yourself to be better than you genuinely are giving it up, and you're giving up that opportunity. And so by not I think preparing for everything that you do, whether it be a date, something for your kid, a business meeting, a potential job opportunity, then that's something that you need to be doing better, and that you shouldn't do again, like specifically for me, I can't go out the night before and socialize and have four tequilas and think that I'm going to be like, Okay, the next day and like at my best, these are mistakes that I've learned because I've sucked and done them and failed. It's just It's that simple. So you got to like, tell yourself like, why was I off today? I know why? Because I didn't get enough sleep.

36:20

Yeah, it's being it's being honest with yourself. We all fuck up. And we all have to move on. Right? And I think that that leads into the second thing of what did I learned from this? No, like, this person said no to me, or this book publisher said no to me. And instead of Will you say that you can fall to the ground and cry for two minutes. But then you have to get the fuck back up and move on or you're never going to push forward. So how do you learn from the giant? No. And like, what's the thing we can tell ourselves about that? No,

36:53

I'm gonna be totally honest, I still haven't fully figured that piece out yet. Because I think it changes for me. And depending on where I am in my career, there were definitely moments and there were so many doors shut in my face. And I couldn't figure out why is it because I'm a woman? I would question it all the time. Is it because I'm a mom, because I've had just as much experience as the guy that perhaps came in before me. And I'm fully prepared. And I did all the steps. I knew the comps. I'm ready for this. Like, why is the door getting shut in my face over and over? Again? I think the hardest part is when you don't have the answer. Right? Yeah. You don't know why the door was shut on you.

37:33

And sort of at the end of the day, after you've gone through all of those homework questions, and you did check all those boxes. Sometimes it's just out of your hands. And it's a clusterfuck.

37:43

Yeah, and that is incredibly true. And those I think are the hardest moments because you can't pin it. Right?

37:50

Yeah. And you want to give up, it's so easy to give up.

37:53

I know my personality, when I can't put a pin on why I didn't get something or why this didn't go my way. And I can't go over I screwed up here, I lost my temper there. And they saw a side to me that they didn't like and boom can done, I can then move on from it. But the times that are the hardest, and I think a lot of us go through the times where we really don't have the answers. And I do believe in embracing that failure, or that door getting shut in your face by allowing that emotion to sort of flow through you. And it's okay to be angry, we'd always don't have to operate from grace.

38:28

I think it's also an amazing lesson to live and show your kids, especially teenage daughters, it's like not everything's gonna be fucking perfect all the time, or even close to it. And there's gonna be things that happen that you don't have a reason for you don't know why you didn't get invited to the party, you don't know why you didn't make the top 10 friends get together in eighth grade, or 10th grade or whatever it is. But you just have to be able to sit down, swallow it have the feeling you have to have the feeling. Yeah, but sometimes there's nothing to do about it, or there's no reason for it. And you just have to figure out swallowing and moving to the next step. And I think that even me doing this podcast and my kids see me like in the ups and downs and moving through it. It's a great learning experience for them, but not everything's perfect, even for their own parents.

39:22

I totally agree. And that's something I think, particularly during COVID that my daughters have obviously seen a lot more. They've seen me sit in front of this computer and have to navigate interviews, and they saw me lose $30 million in real estate when the pandemic hit that we're in escrow. So they've sort of seen me really struggle this year sort of having to come out of four months of being totally shut down. And I don't really shelter them from that. And I think that's such a value add for them. So when someone picks on me on Instagram and says Why don't you post your daughter's Juliette will chime in. And she'll be like, because I don't want my mom to post me. I'm 14 years old, and I only post on my

40:08

Yeah, yeah, I know, I get it, I get it, it makes complete sense. And the third one was, where did I make an assumption? And why did I make that assumption?

40:19

I think sometimes, as much as we prepare for life, for a meeting, for a date, for an interaction, there's only so much we can do beforehand that is under our control. And then once we're in the room with that person, it can all go completely differently, depending on their mood, depending on something that you may have missed, or just depending on your inability to connect with that person, because their ego, or they're on the offense, and you're finding yourself on the defense. I felt that a lot. And I think being able to shift, it's taken me a long time to be able to do when you know that you've done something that perhaps shifted the meeting, and you're sitting there and you know that there's just nothing you can do. And you're like, God, I blew it, I hate, then you just I think at a point, you have to say to yourself, I've got to forgive myself. But

41:10

I think that moves into that perfect quote that you have in your book and your step about the 62nd roll. Yeah, what is that? Can you explain it to us?

41:21

My thing with the 62nd rule is, and this happened to me, again, story insert, and I talked about this in the book, but I was sitting at the Soho beach house with a big, big client of mine that was on the show with me that had the $500 million portfolio and a potential buyer on the other side that had an interest in quote unquote, purchasing the property. Sure enough, we sit at the meeting, I sit between the two of them, and they're talking sort of over each other because they're both big male egos. And so I figured I'm just gonna sit here and wait for it to get to the place where we're actually talking about real estate while I let too much time go by. And they I think we're starting to challenge each other and like the who's the bigger dog game with a lot of sarcasm and male ego. And so I tried to shift the conversation back to the real estate piece and see if this guy really was a potential buyer. And when I did that, my client said, Tracy, are you? Are we just moving too fast for you? It was really condescending and fucking rude. And I said, No, actually, Scott, I'm keeping up just fine. I just, we're here at five o'clock, I'd like to talk about the real estate portion not just let you to play off of each other and see who has the bigger ego, like a pissing contest,

42:32

right? And then the other guy who was the buyer said, Are you on your period or something? Ah, and I just in that moment, didn't know what to do. So I excused myself from the table because I couldn't get a handle on it. And I didn't have my normal bun liner would come back that would just put him in his place.

42:51

So that was when your 62nd rule came in.

42:54

Yep, I got up I went to the bathroom. excuse myself from the table. I paced back and forth. I fucking had like tears rolling down my face. And I was like, pulling the fuck together. I stood in front of the meter. I'm not even joking. In this Oh, house, I'm in front of the mirror. And I'm like, put the book together. And I'm like, do not like this is like the worst thing to be sitting between those two guys was just horrific for me. I pulled myself together. And I came back downstairs and I sat down and I was a little quick quiet for a minute. And they were still talking. And then finally He's like, you know, I'm sorry, if I offended you. I was just playing around, you know, I didn't really mean it. And I said, Look, the bottom line is if you ever speak like that, to me again, this meeting is going to be over. It's that simple, huh? I recalibrated. I came back and he was like, I'm really sorry, Tracy like that was a joke. And he had to he kept kind of saying how apologetic he was. And I said you don't ask a woman if she's on her period because she's chiming into a conversation. Yeah, it's not only highly inappropriate, but I don't know who the hell you think you are.

43:54

Yeah. But you stood up for yourself. And you did the 62nd rule was, you can acknowledge that something annoys you pisses you off or hurts your feelings. You can feel that feeling for 60 seconds, but then you have to step back in.

44:07

Well, particularly when you're in a business situation. So I had that freak out. And then I went back and I set my intention. I was super still I wasn't fidgety or freaking out. And I just said that I needed to say you ever speak that to me again in the meetings over and then all of a sudden I have my power back. And then I moved on. I like made a joke. And I said something to kind of move it along. But I took my power back. And that was really important for me in that moment.

44:31

I love that. I think that's a really good lesson for all of us of just sort of encapsulating in that 60 seconds of feeling uncomfortable feeling pissed off and then having to move on and move forward. For sure. Yeah. Now in terms of moving on and moving forward, Divorce, Divorce divorce, so you got divorce in what season of million dollar listing,

44:55

the first season.

44:57

Oh was the first season okay.

44:59

We knew we We're getting divorced during the show airing, but I didn't file until the end of the year and the production team had no idea until the show was already airing. And then they do that little blip on the end. like where's Josh altman at Josh just had a baby flag is just got married to Bobby and a $1 million wedding at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Everybody's like having this and then it was like black screen. It's like, Tracy is filed for divorce.

45:27

Tracy Tudor is a bitch.

45:31

Oh my god. And

45:32

I was like, Oh, this is gonna be a fun next season, when they're gonna, like annihilate me for filing for divorce. And I let all those things come through. I never really threw Jason under the bus, you know, with the exception of what he showed on the show. But the truth is, I continued, and I pushed through it. And despite a lot of the negative comments primarily from women, which was surprising, I was able to move on from it.

45:59

I think a lot of us as women, including myself, sometimes we forget that there's always another side of the story. Yeah. And we're all so quick to judge everyone, including myself. And there is another side of the story. And that takes two to tango. It's not like you were in a marriage by herself or you're in a business deal by yourself. There are other players.

46:20

No. And Jason and I had a really great marriage for many, many, many years. And so it was a little fascinating to me that there wasn't a benefit of the doubt. It became the typical up another couple does a reality show. And it's put, right, it was never about the reality show.

46:39

Oh, yeah. And as you you can explain it for two seconds. And then it's your job to move on just to keep your own mental sanity, because you can't change the minds of judgy people. But what we can do is remind ourselves how judgey we can all be? Yes. And take a pause. Take a minute and remember that there is another side, the part I like that you talked about in your book, in terms of the divorce is how you handled it with your daughter's you said Wouldn't it have been more terrible for me to stay in a relationship that wasn't serving me and show my daughters that settling is okay. Do you want to talk about that?

47:18

Yeah, I to this day. And when Jason and I sat down with both of our girls as a couple and said, this is the direction that we want to take this family. And we need you to trust us as adults who have been living in this marriage for much longer than you have been alive that our best case scenario is going to be co parenting the two of you in different homes. And that's something that I think Luckily, I've been so outspoken about how I raised my girls that I wanted them to understand. And I said to them, You know, I think that your dad and I are just at a place where you guys will be better served us as a couple are going to transition into being your parents and friends. That's what we think is most important. And fortunately, I'm not going to say that the kids didn't struggle. Of course, they struggled with obviously us not being under the same roof. But I think the honesty piece and age appropriate honesty, of course, the honesty piece about where we were, I think was a huge part of why the conversation continued and continued and continued until they began to see the light again, I began to see you know, the other side.

48:32

I listened to the podcast with Caroline Stanbury divorce not dead. And you know, it's true. Yeah, you are divorced, but it doesn't mean you're dead. No, your life does move on and shit does happen. And not everything works out. Right. And I think that kind of leads into one of the other strategies you talked about in your book where you're like, don't focus on the outcome. Focus on what you're doing at hand. You didn't just stop at divorce, like, Oh, I got a divorce. I'm dead. Now. You're like, okay, what's the next thing and so you were developing your grid. Okay, divorce moving on. And now in terms of like, don't focus on the outcome. Tell me like what you mean by that and your strategy?

49:17

I think so many women have an idea of what it might look like on the other side of a divorce. And that's where their head is, am I going to be able to take care of myself? Am I ever going to need anybody again? What if I don't and I'm alone forever. There's all this nauseous fear tied up in what different outcomes and divorces we've all seen it. We've seen divorces definitely across the west side of Los Angeles, where people have really struggled. That's why I felt like for me in order for me to jump off the fence and make the decision that I made. I couldn't focus on where I was going to be in a year from now. I just had to focus On, I landed on my feet today and shit, it feels really good. I finally let it go, I finally said to myself, I'm going to pull the trigger because I want to be happier.

50:12

And I think that we can use that in like a small step version to not just even with the wars. It's like I had a small step that I wanted to achieve today. And I did it.

50:24

Yes. It's such a great feeling. And I don't think we pay enough attention to it. I remember when I actually went to the attorney's office for the first time when I was thinking about doing and I wanted to know what it was going to look like and yada yada and he was like, you're just not ready and Call me when you are. When I walked into his office for the second time. He was like, Oh, shit. She's doing this today. Okay,

50:46

right.

50:48

But I do believe that it took that one step. And so many women struggle with that step of like, check the box and file, you're not going to die tomorrow, you're going to wake up and you're going to breathe. And then when you do, it's really rewarding. And then you're going to figure out what the next day is going to look like not the next five years.

51:08

Yeah, and it's not even just about divorce. It's the next step in anything in recreating your life. It's like, Oh, I want to become more fit. Okay, like I walked outside today, you didn't run a marathon, but you did the first step you walked outside, I want to figure out what my purpose is. Okay, so I listened to this podcast, it's all about like the first step. We can't accomplish everything in a day. But we can take these small micro steps that help us get to where we are. And we also have to figure out how to get back up when the step doesn't work out perfectly.

51:42

Absolutely. We have to figure out how to get back up. Then once you do make that one small step, then what the heck is the next step? next step? We're not going back because you're not going to go back. I made a mistake.

51:55

And we're not going too far into the future. No, you can't go back or far into the future. I mean, my husband will love when I say this, but he's always so annoying. And he's always like, Sarah, You're overthinking this, just what's your next step? And what's so funny is like, that's sort of become one of the themes of this podcast is he's like, Sarah, wow, you're really just doing the next step thing. You always give me shit about that. But it's true. I can't think about like, what this podcast is going to look like in a year, I can only think about what my next week or two weeks will look like, and the things I can do to make that happen.

52:30

I agree sometimes, it's like getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Did I want to get up and get out of bed when it was freakin dark this morning and go to the gym? No, I did not.

52:38

I know. I'm so pissed that you already worked out. I hate you.

52:42

But I mean, I think the same thing applies with life decisions. You got to get up and you're like what is today look like? I hate to say this. This is dirty. But my boyfriend says got to get up and suck today's deck baby.

52:54

Love you crazy,

52:56

but it's true. You got to like take the day.

52:59

It is true. But everybody's dick is going to be different. And that's what's key is because for you it might be jumping on the treadmill before we have this podcast for me. It was whatever drinking my cup of coffee so that I could function to have this conversation or tell you how to move the laundry basket off your fucking kitchen table in the background of the podcast. Thank you very much. I was impressed by that laundry basket. By the way.

53:24

I've carried that in.

53:25

I know that was really impressive. But I do in all joking and non joking. I do want to talk about one of your steps which is dressing the part because we have to dress the part and I want you to break that down for us. I mean, I know you I'm gonna list out your eight top things here and then we're going to talk about it quickly. Okay, you said these are the must haves for your wardrobe. Number one, a well designed awesome fitting skirt number two men's cut tailored white shirt. Number three high waisted denim. Number four a really well cut dress figure out what's most flattering. Number five, a little black dress number six trackpants number seven black blazer with a twist and eight great classic designer pumps, no kitten heels.

54:14

I take back the kitten yield back in. Okay, so

54:17

you take that one back, but you're saying if we have these basic items in our closet, we can dress the part for what's next.

54:26

Yeah, I mean, most of these are going to be investment pieces. And it's something that I think you kind of buy and the black blazer that is really well cut and tailor properly might cost you a little bit more money. And I don't think people use a tailor enough but it changes everything.

54:44

I'm obsessed with the tailor changes everything and with COVID I've been like panic, but thankfully I haven't bought that much stuff because the tailor can make a $14 t shirt look $100 I mean it's amazing.

54:59

It is my biggest asset and I can't say it enough, you can recreate a certain cut of a dress and a line dress, which I'm just done with like, I don't know why they were ever good. But an A line dress, we were on the phone the other day with a fan, my stylist and I'd given her a walk through her closet. And it was something that we spent an hour with her talking through, like just sort of revamping her closet. And she's like, I love this a line dress and Lauren was like, I think it's done. She was just like, Look, you have a nice figure, why don't we just take this dress that you love that's a little dated, and recreate the same dress for you. But that is on trend with what's happening today. And she's like, well, how am I going to do that? And we said, Take a tailor and have him bring it into a pencil skirt, or make it into a dress that hits you at the knee just the way it does now, but take all the fabric out of it. Have it be more form fitting to your body. And she did and the dress. It's like her favorite thing on the planet. And she was going to get rid of it because she knew that it was a little dated,

56:05

right? No, it's true. It's all the small thing.

56:08

A great white shirt. That's something I think you gotta buy a new one every single season. They always cut them a little bit differently. And it's what keeps you looking fresh. And on trend.

56:19

Yeah, and you can now get a white button down shirt that has the puff sleeve for example. And that might be only one season and you can get it from Zahra.

56:28

Yes, you can go with the stuff that's a little bit trendier at the lines like Sorry, I do it all the time. Right now. I'm like on a mission to just have everybody reevaluate their genes. Everyone needs to reevaluate their genes.

56:44

I have a trash bag full of jeans in my closet right now.

56:47

Then I get rid of them like every other season because the jeans that you were when you were 28 years old, or 16. If you're 25 no longer work, you've got to continually update that or I think bad jeans can date you more than anything you don't look pulled together and an old pair of jeans,

57:07

or leggings that have saggy needs. Oh, yeah, like certain leggings need, you need to refresh if you're washing them too frequently.

57:18

I've never even had a pair of leggings with a saggy knee.

57:22

I feel like sometimes elasticity in leggings for some people like they start getting old and I'm like, Oh my god, just buy one more pair of leggings. Even if it's from Amazon, Spanx, whatever it is,

57:36

oh my god, there's so many great lines.

57:39

I know so many,

57:40

so many great lines that aren't aloe that aren't $150 for a pair of leggings. It's just like, you just got to spend the time to do it. And you can do a lot of it online. I don't remember the last time I went into like retail shopping.

57:54

And the like you said it's just what's flattering on you. And what's flattering on you is not going to be flattering on the next person. I mean, I can't tell you how many pairs of Levi's jean shorts. I ordered the summer to find one.

58:05

When I ordered a bathing suit. It's a $2,000 spend

58:09

to save one.

58:11

Yeah, I'll get like two bathing suits, and I send the rest back.

58:15

I know it's part of the process, but you have to be willing to put the time and it's sort of like putting the time into yourself.

58:21

Yes.

58:22

Now in terms of your let's say personal life because I know everyone's like dying to ask you these questions. So I'm just gonna dig right in. You are 45 and your boyfriend is 3025. Okay, I thought originally it was 25. Then I heard 30. I'm glad you clarified the 25. I'm not going to do the math for everyone. I'm going to let everyone do the math.

58:48

That's pretty easy.

58:49

I'm not even gonna lay that out. They're hot, 25 year old boyfriend who is a celebrity trainer who we can all see on Instagram, your Instagram, his Instagram. How did that happen?

59:01

My friend Julia who runs Fredrik Eklund team in New York is a good friend of mine. And she was talking to me I said I was moving to Beverly Hills, and I needed to kind of find like a new place to work out and she goes, Well, why don't you workout at dogpound it's this gym in New York that is now in West Hollywood. And Frederick is an investor and he works out there and you'll love it. It's got great energy. I said Who should I train with? There's all these different trainers. And she said, Well, you're gonna love Eric because he's just fun and positive and lalala so cut to me and my gay bestie Diggy well, Andrew, but Diggy for short, would go in at 7am just twice a week. And I mean, first of all, it's like supermodels everywhere Victoria's Secret bottles, I'm like this is bananas. And then imagine myself at 40 I think 44 at the time and Diggy who's like tall and gay as the day is long walking through the door for like a 7am session. So he ended up becoming friendly with him with Eric. Yes, and I'm also friendly. With Frederick. And so when he first moved to LA, we all went out one night I saw him out. We had a drink. We had a couple laughs And then there was a night that we were all at the addition hotel, and he kissed me. And I kissed him back. But I was like, I pulled back and I was like, Wow, really? It really wasn't expecting it.

1:00:24

But really like, wow, that was amazing. Or really, you're 25. And I'm 45 or 43. Well, in the moment, I

1:00:33

think I was like, I don't know, three or four tequilas in. And so I was just like, you know, enjoying myself and dancing and having a good time with all of our friends. And he was flirtatious. But I just looked at it. I didn't think anything of it. And then when he kissed me and I pulled away, it was like one of those moments. And then I think we you know, obviously had a date. I think the next night it he took me out to dinner. And I was like what? And he called me said, Can you have dinner tonight? And I said again, like surprised that he's 25 and like making this effort? And I said, Sure. And he's like, do you like Thai food? And he picked me up and we went and had this Thai restaurant. And that was sort of the beginning of what was a very sort of casual, fun, light relationship.

1:01:18

But how long has it been now,

1:01:20

that was probably back in like, I don't know, maybe October of last year.

1:01:24

And so you're like a year now,

1:01:27

since we first met and started dating, but at the time, we weren't committed to each other. We were just seeing each other, you know, from time to time, and it was really light. And then I think in January, that's when it started kind of all of a sudden, we were spending two days a week, three days a week together. My friends were like you spending an awful lot of time with this trainer. Like that was super cute for a minute, like what's happening? I don't know. But he's so cute. And his body is ridiculous. And,

1:01:57

and he has a six pack a 10 pack a

1:02:00

pack. And then we just I mean, look at me. I'm like I get all hot when I start talking about it. But like it just sort of morphed into something. And we went to Mexico together and spent the weekend and we came back into this COVID thing and it just it morphed into obviously a relationship.

1:02:19

So he was your trainer became your hook up then became your boyfriend is he's still your trainer.

1:02:25

Yes. And I told him I'm like, dude, I'm getting ready to start shooting again. You need to get my ass in shape. And he's like, I'm so busy babe. And I'm like, not too busy for me. Okay, so free training, a really cute boyfriend and he's a lot of fun. And we're having a great time.

1:02:44

And how are your daughter's with having such a young boyfriend?

1:02:47

We've talked about it a lot. I think initially, they didn't really even understand how old he was. They weren't really like saying like, How old is he? Because he has a beard.

1:02:57

Okay, great. Tracy

1:03:02

appears older. He shaved his beard off once. I'm like, you're gonna have to grow that back.

1:03:06

Yeah, otherwise, it's like I'm dating a teenager. I have a 16 year old son dress.

1:03:16

They've been fine with it. But the truth is like my ex husband has been dating his girlfriend since get and she is 30. Now, so Oh, okay. He's turning 50. Of course, no one asked Jason about the age difference.

1:03:32

I know that was gonna be my next thing. It's kind

1:03:34

of fascinating. It's fucking annoying, is what it is.

1:03:37

It's like, you're a cougar.

1:03:40

Yeah, I hate that word.

1:03:41

I know,

1:03:42

I hate that word. Because I think there's a negative connotation that goes with it. I know. I just think I'm hot. And I'm confident. And I think the reason that he's attracted to me is because I have something to say. And obviously, I don't think it's any different than a man dating a younger woman. We were talking about it this morning in the gym with one of his clients. And his client was like, you're hot and you're just you're different. I said, but it's not different. It's really not. It's exactly the same thing. It just doesn't happen as often.

1:04:14

I get it and I think again, it goes back to that judgment piece. But if you're having a good time and it's meaningful to you then go for it. You know, and think about like your vagina workout that's happening at the same time. I mean, I interviewed Sherry Ross, the vagina whisperer gynecologist, and we just did a whole episode. I don't know whether this one's going to air before after that, but it doesn't matter.

1:04:37

I need to hear that.

1:04:39

It's amazing. It's all about a vagina makeover. And it goes into all the steps, all the exercises, but one of the main themes of it is use it or lose it whether it's with a man a vibrator, or this or that it's the use it or lose it and you're fucking using it, Tracy. Oh, I'm

1:04:59

using it. It's so funny because I don't think that a lot of people, they're like, I just don't I don't know, I just don't really like miss it that much like, I haven't had it like a year or two. And I'm like, you don't miss it, because you're not having it. You need to have it in order to miss it. And then you're like, if I don't get it, it's like anything, but I feel a woke. And that feels good. It feels good to feel desired. But I'm also in my own body. I feel sexier. I feel more confident sexually. Like, it's just something that I think we need to embrace, particularly, by the way, for women out there that are like over 38 y'all need to sort it out. Because this is some of the best sex I've ever had.

1:05:46

Yeah, but is it because he's 25? Is it because it's new? No, on Ain't that new. We live together. So

1:05:53

you know, we've been screwing for a year. Right? Okay. candidly, I would assume like a 25 year old wouldn't know his way around necessarily, because it's just like, you know,

1:06:05

jam, jam, jam.

1:06:07

Yes. Right. They're like less experienced with like, how to sort out a woman's body. Obviously, that is not my scenario. But I think that it's just me, it's my ability to be more open. It's my ability to like, understand what I like what I don't like and kick it up a notch. And I think that women in their 40s can do that, obviously a little bit better than women in their 20s

1:06:28

because they just don't know how to write. But if you're doing it with a 25 year old guy who's new to the scene in terms of your life, that's a lot different than like reigniting a 32 year marriage that you know, so what are your tips for that? If you were still married based on what you know, now, what would you do to sort of spice it up a little bit?

1:06:51

I don't know take like a tantric sex class.

1:06:54

I've actually seen some of that on Instagram. By the way.

1:06:57

I'm kind of into that. Like, that might be my next thing. Like I've heard through the grapevine that Gwyneth has done this and has like this incredible sex life. Paltrow I'm referring to, and I'm all about it. I would be so down to go away for like a weekend and do some crazy seminar and talk about tantric sex. I mean, if I can be perpetually coming.

1:07:19

Yeah. Can you tell me when you go on that?

1:07:21

Yeah. 100%

1:07:22

I'm sure my son will love it. Follow up

1:07:25

podcast.

1:07:27

Totally. I'll put my Flashdance sweatshirt on like yours. I mean, I have four. I've black. I've pink. I think I bought out h&m on the flash Gen sweatshirts.

1:07:36

I know, I was so glad when they came back. But I do think that the sex piece is important tonight. As far as reigniting like people that have been in relationships for a long ass time. Talk about it. People are doing things differently today sexually, and I think that people have different types of relationships. And if you're honest about it, you probably can't reignite it, but it's trying new and different things that you maybe haven't done before. Maybe that excited? I don't know.

1:08:00

Yes. Okay. So we talked about your vagina.

1:08:03

vagina, check.

1:08:04

vagina, check. 25 year old boyfriend, check with the beard check. Now let's quickly do what you eat and how you turn your body into what you've I mean, honestly, it's I just don't even know what to say. Well, I

1:08:17

had Shake Shack last night.

1:08:19

Okay, but that's one Shake Shack. Okay, but I'm saying like, You were always sort of fit but this is like next fucking level. So we want to know how many days a week you worked out and what you do, and we want to know kind of what you eat in a general way.

1:08:34

I think I probably work out five days a week. Some days are obviously like more intense than others. Today was sort of like it half ass. I'm sure Eric would agree. I was on the phone during half of it. He was like, are you gonna train Are you gonna text and I was like, sorry. I I am consistent as hell about cardio. And I don't run I don't like the crazy running. Like, I just feel like it breaks down your body.

1:09:01

I know. And your boobs go up and down. It hurts your knees hurt. It's just Oh,

1:09:06

it's just hot, really tough on your body. And I just have found that doing steady state cardio for a period of 45 minutes to an hour. If your worst case scenarios, you simply don't have the time at least 30 minutes minimum.

1:09:19

But you break like a real sweat. Oh, yeah. In 45 minutes of just walking. Oh, yeah, well,

1:09:25

I do a program on my treadmill where it's about heart rate. So I keep my heart rate between 130 and at the highest 150. It really for me for fat to keep it in the fat burning mode. I like it between 130 and 145. Got it and I sweat. It's more long term fat burning than anything else and my knees don't hurt. I can wake up and do it again the next day and I'm more consistent. If I like running and doing like hit training and I'm like killing myself four days a week then my body just breaks down and I'm just not interested in that.

1:09:59

Do you spend it all I can't it hurts my butt.

1:10:02

No, it hurts. My vagina hurts my butt spinning sucks. I hate it.

1:10:07

I mean, you have to keep your vagina intact.

1:10:09

Yes. And the last thing I need is bigger thighs. I came from a equestrian background, and I'm Armenian. So I'm like, thick. building my quads is like the last thing I want to do.

1:10:20

And what about food? What are Eric's rules on food? What's the philosophy? First of all,

1:10:25

he is not the one to follow. No, no,

1:10:27

but what does he tell you? Does he say no carbs, no sugar? No,

1:10:32

he doesn't tell me anything about my diet. He knows how to eat really clean, but he just doesn't have to

1:10:38

write. But what about you,

1:10:40

I personally all do intermittent fasting a few times a week, I am not militant about anything I do with food. As long as I feel good when I was actually at the beginning of this being a little bit more militant. Now I'm kind of where I want to be. So unless I have an event coming up, or a photo shoot, or God forbid, like something in a bathing suit, I'm gonna suck it up for a week or two prior and just eat a little bit cleaner. But for the most part, I would say that like, depending on my work, I always base everything about how I'm feeling. So today, because I didn't work out so hard, I'm probably going to do my version of intermittent fasting where I won't eat until two o'clock or three o'clock. And then I'll have a really healthy, nutrient dense, not like a Cobb salad that's not healthy. That's like basically eating a cheeseburger. But I'll have like a nutrient dense salad with a ton of chicken on it. And then I'll have a light dinner, and I'm definitely going to drink. So that's like a typical day when I don't have a hard workout if I have a really tough workout. And I really pushed myself which call that two, three days a week. I always have my celery juice in the morning, just as a note.

1:11:48

Do you make that yourself like in the kitchen?

1:11:51

I used to, but I was drinking so much of it that I had to have like 40 stocks.

1:11:55

That's what I'm saying. Where do you even put it? I interviewed Alyssa Goodman and like everybody's drinking celery juice. And I'm like, wait, but it's like too many stocks. Now.

1:12:05

Don't you don't even do it. Don't bother. Bristol farms has like a little juice bar. And so I just order it I'll walk in. And when I walk into the market, or when my nanny walks into the market, she'll order like a 16 ounce jug of celery juice.

1:12:19

And I thought you have to drink it fresh every day.

1:12:22

I drink it every three days. So like every three days, I get a new one by day five. It's kind of done. You could push it to day four, but I usually get enough celery juice for like three days.

1:12:33

Gotta do sweetener, or put anything in it. No,

1:12:36

definitely not. It's so it's so easy to drink. So I do that I usually take I have this Organa fi immunity that I'm obsessed with that I take in the morning that just has a ton of vitamins in it. And D I saw that on your Instagram. Yeah, I'm a big fan of their products. And then on a tougher day, if I worked really hard, I'll put together a protein shake, and I put them I mean, I throw it in there like I'm militant. I have like chia and flax and collagen and protein like because you don't get it every day.

1:13:07

Yeah, you're probably very regular to Tracy. Now. What do you do? What do you do about what are your legal secrets? anxiety? Obviously you don't eat brownies? Wrong.

1:13:20

I hate brownies. My daughter made gluten free brownies last week. And I was like, Oh my god, these are so good. So I actually do eat the stuff. Like I said, I'm less militant now than I was then. But no, I would not eat but what's your secret pleasure? What's

1:13:33

your relaxation?

1:13:35

Alcohol, like they love Eric because he comes home with like cookies and stuff.

1:13:40

And you're like, Where's the tequila? And I'm like, Can

1:13:43

I have a tequila on the rocks or I'll pour myself a glass of white wine. That's my sugar and my wine down and I don't intend on giving it up. It's my way of winding down for the day and I like it.

1:13:56

Yeah, my only issue with it is sleep. I can't sleep if I drink wine. It wakes me up in the middle of the night because of the blood sugar thing.

1:14:04

See I don't drink red wine red wine. I think I have a little sensitivity to so I can only have like one glass of red wine. So I'm a white wine rosae in the summer or a tequila drinker.

1:14:15

Wow. Okay, so this is going to lead us into the end of the episode towards the end of the episode we're going to do fun shit about Tracy even though this whole episode has been fun should about Tracy and her vagina and her boyfriend with the beard. Okay, what's what's next on the bucket list for you?

1:14:31

You know, I just did Bora Bora, which I absolutely love for me. It's always about travel. So my think my next one is I'd like to do Captain OSHA.

1:14:39

Wow, you'll have to spell that one for me later. Number two, anything that you have learned that's now on your bucket list after quarantine.

1:14:47

I think that's always been on my list. But I honestly don't care at this point what anyone has to say about what I'm doing. And I think this kind of stems from obviously being in a relationship and not seeing a A lot of people people don't really understand what it is that I'm doing because we don't socialize with that many people at the moment so fuck what people think.

1:15:08

Perfect secret pleasure other than Eric,

1:15:12

I know not really a secret either a secret pleasure buying gummies Okay,

1:15:17

good mine to favorite beauty treatment you've got to have like 500 I do.

1:15:22

I love Dr. Kasabian for injections. Like I think he just has a way of keeping you looking young and fresh without doing surgery. Got it? I don't respond to Botox. So he uses the amen on me. And so that's been amazing. And I also love Dr. Lancers products I feel like they're incredibly strong. So like when I want to get like, like right now I'm being militant about my skin because we're gonna get ready to start shooting again. So I'm on like, his seven steps. Half the time I'm like, is this FDA approved? Dr. Lancers products are strong that people always ask me about my skin. So

1:16:04

you mean like the blue bottles?

1:16:06

Yeah, but he's got like different sort of creams that you can get in his office that are stronger hyaluronic acids that are higher, where you can do all of this stuff for your skin that you don't have to, you know, at my age, it's this is not a wash and go situation.

1:16:22

Trust me. I know what whoo things you do. Meditation crystals, plant medicine, tantric sex. Listen, the tantric sex is on my bucket list.

1:16:32

But the wound things I'm all about energy, but I'm not crazy about it. Like all bring in someone else who's woowoo to do it. They did a whole thing on my house when we moved in here just to like wipe the energy and start fresh. And I believe if it works fantastic. I burn those damn candles, those intuition candles, right? I'll get on board. If it works. I'm all in. But outside of that I'm not a huge meditator. Meditation for me is in the gym doing something differently, like walking and just thinking about my day and my focus.

1:17:05

What about a favorite TV show from the past or something you're watching now?

1:17:09

Oh my God, we just finished Yellowstone.

1:17:12

I love that. So good.

1:17:14

I'm such like a cow. Like I love that because I love horses. And that's my jam. And Eric is like we're moving to Montana. There's gonna be a ranch and guns.

1:17:25

Oh, my husband thinks we're moving all the time. I'm like, No, we're not.

1:17:30

But I do. I love that show. And I just started watching a new one that I'm into that I've been show last night called Banshee on Cinemax. Oh,

1:17:38

I haven't seen that one. I've heard of it. But I haven't seen it yet.

1:17:41

It's pretty dark. But I like dark shit. I love a dark thriller.

1:17:46

I don't like dark shit before I go to bed because then I'm like having weirdest dream. I love it. What was the last thing you ordered on Amazon?

1:17:54

It's scary. How many times Amazon comes to my house?

1:17:56

Is Amazon your best friend like me.

1:17:59

It's to the point where there's like five deliveries a day.

1:18:02

My husband's like, get the shit out of the front door.

1:18:06

This is super boring, but oxy clean.

1:18:09

Okay,

1:18:10

interesting. All right. And by the way, I think I'm like an investor and champion sweats because during quarantine was all you were a sweat. So I was on Amazon like, Oh, this champion hoodie. It's only $15

1:18:22

click, and then you don't have to wash it. Now what about intuition is intuitions natural for you or you work at it? My intuition? Yeah, it's pretty natural. Okay, but you do work on listening to a better? Oh, God. Yes.

1:18:37

And then of course, I'll be like, your intuition is pretty aggressive right now. Maybe

1:18:42

don't share

1:18:43

it tonight.

1:18:45

Yeah, maybe filter that shit out.

1:18:48

Maybe sleep on it.

1:18:51

What's the smallest thing we can do today to start our shift toward self recreation?

1:18:57

Sit down and make a list for today. I just believe in living in the moment. Not for tomorrow. Not what happened yesterday. But like what's today about for you is today about being happy because yesterday sucked. Then make today about being happy. Do something good for yourself. Okay, what

1:19:13

would your bottom line advice be on finding the sweet spot in the second half of life other than Eric,

1:19:19

just do you? I've never been happier. I want to live my truth and I don't give a shit anymore. If someone's view of that isn't what they want it to be.

1:19:29

And you've obviously gotten better at that.

1:19:31

Yeah, a lot better. I think it's just an experience thing. I don't even think it is a show thing that's taught me things in different ways. But I think it really is just it's life experience.

1:19:41

Thank you, Tracy tutor. You have helped us dig deep into our second half of live shit shovel. I want to thank you. Thank you. Thank you. golden nuggets are dripping everywhere. Where can we find you your Instagram?

1:19:57

Yeah, I'm on social media. A lot at Tracy tutor if you're looking for real estate opportunities in LA, I'm at Tracy tutor.com. And that's really it. And we'll see what happens with the show.

1:20:09

Can't wait. Thank you love you talk to you soon.

1:20:12

Love you too, honey. I'm so excited for you, ma.

1:20:15

I'm so excited. Thank you. I appreciate it. Hi, it's me again, I listened to this episode with Tracy tutor. So I could summarize the golden nuggets for you to have actionable items to start using today. I know that when I listen to a long episode of a podcast, I'm like, Oh, I love that. But then I can't remember the specifics. This is why I come back and do the Golden Nugget summary for you. Also, if you go to my website and click episodes, then show notes. It's all written out and summarized for you. And the links mentioned in the episode are there too. In this episode with Tracy, we found the sweet spot in learning to adopt a no bullshit approach to managing our fears and finding our strengths. two keys and self recreation Tracy's 45 and she's doing it. The first Golden Nugget is to learn and acknowledge our fears, you will be stuck forever if you hide from your fears and don't accept them. When you accept and understand your fears you can work through them. Tracy says that fear is just a four letter word. This is the first step that you need to take the second Golden Nugget, make a list of your strengths. Take a real assessment of yourself, understand what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. This helps you be more effective. You can connect on a human level. Tracy says you know where you are strong and weak. So you can figure out how to connect with someone on an emotional level, a business level and just a human interaction level. Tracy also says I think everybody needs to do the homework on themselves. Talk to the people closest to them, and ask them point blank and catch them off guard. Because that's when they're going to be the most honest with you. And take a real assessment of yourself. You need to understand particularly at our age, what the hell your weaknesses are and strengths in order to be effective, not just in your business, but in your personal life. It makes you more accountable, can't just know them. You have to integrate and utilize them. The third Golden Nugget, be a chameleon. Don't be an altered version that doesn't connect to you personally. But start with the basics of yourself and take it to the next level. This comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses but capitalize on the strengths and shift them in certain directions when need be. We are also attracted to people that are like us or want to be like us. And finally shift a little bit from yourself to match the person you're talking to. ie if you're talking to someone who's excited, be excited, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to shape or shift who you are personally and change who you are entirely. It's just shifting in that situation to be the most effective. Tracy says, I really think it's not about like, you know, changing your spots or becoming just sort of this altered version of yourself that doesn't connect to you personally. start with the basics and knowing your strengths and weaknesses of knowing yourself. I think the chameleon piece is something that I've done really well. The fourth Golden Nugget trust your intuition. God gave women intuition for a reason. Don't hide your intuition. If you feel it don't shut it down. More often than not your intuition is correct. It is our greatest power against male egos and male dynamics. They give you cues because they have zero clue. Men don't have intuition lol. We don't acknowledge and utilize our intuition that it's time to start using it. Use intuition and the transformation of yourself. You know what feels good, and you know what you need for yourself. Tracy says God gave women intuition like we know shed that we should not know. You know what I mean? Like just like a look. It's a movement of a phone the way somebody sees you or looks at you. It's like the way he walks to the front door. And we don't access it. It's more than fucking beyond me Why? Golden Nugget five, embrace your failure. Ask yourself these questions after failure one, what can I do to prevent this in the future? Always challenge yourself to be better than you are. Prepare for every single outcome. preparation is key. If you're not prepared, you should not do that again. Be honest with yourself. What is the one thing I learned from myself from the giant ass? No, I got golden nuggets six. It's okay to be angry. have the feeling reflect on it. Give yourself 60 seconds to walk away and regroup in the situation. I call this the 62nd rule. golden nuggets seven. Don't focus on the outcome of divorce. Divorce does not mean you're dead. take it one step at a time. Golden Nugget eight. And finally, always dress the part. Have the essentials use a tailor. Know where you are going and what the appropriate attire would be. How you present yourself is just as important as what you say and do. Get Tracy's book fear is a four letter word and dive deep. The gold is dripping off these nuggets, grab it, use it the resources and products mentioned this episode are in the show notes. Like I said at the beginning, go to the flexible neurotic.com click on episodes and then click on show notes. share this episode with a friend and subscribe to the flexible neurotic for more golden nuggets. And please write a five star review. It helps me grow as a podcast.

1:25:59

Thank you.

1:26:03

Good peeps. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed finding our sweet spot today, and digging through layers of shit with your golden shit shovel, Subscribe, Subscribe, subscribe. DM me on Instagram at the flexible neurotic. Tell me which golden nuggets resonated with you. The ones that you're going to start using today to start getting your shit together to find our sweet spots. screenshot it, send it to a friend. This is Dr. Sarah Milken, the flexible neurotic, inspiring you to gather, curate, incorporate, maybe even meditate.